It all started by accident.
"By accident?" I hear you say. "How can something like that be accidental?"
It's simple actually.
It all stems from that old adage: "be careful what you wish for" and for Gary Jones, no truer words were e'er spake...
Gary and his girlfriend Valerie or Val as she preferred, were classic 'couch potatoes'; their evenings mapped out by TV programmes. Admittedly, Gary had things he liked as did Val and whilst their tastes did overlap, Gary hated girly stuff.
That was until ABC started Extreme Makeover. Suddenly names like Bill Dorfman, Jon Perlman, Garth Fisher and Michael Thurmond became household names to him and Val and after just one show, Gary was hooked. They would arrange their meals around this TV show whenever it was on and since age was creeping up on them, not to mention the fact that both felt their bodies could be a great deal better, they were both able to identify with many of the applicants.
The end results were always stunning. Even if the getting there was a teensy bit gruesome at times.
One though was especially astounding. Gone was the ugly duckling, the bad teeth and fried-egg boobs, replaced by the beauty that stood poised and confidant before the camera.
"This has exceeded even my wildest dreams. Everything I could have wished for and more." she said.
"Huh! Lucky so-and-so." grumbled Val, who considered that perhaps her breasts could do with a bicycle pump.
"No shit! Even I'd feel that was 'everything I could have wished for and more." snorted Gary.
"Would you now?" said Val, eyebrows sliding up her forehead a couple of inches. Gary looked at her slightly shocked, before realising that she wasn't entirely serious.
"We-ell," he blushed. "I quite like the idea of breasts." He grinned and pushed 'breast-shapes' out with his hands from under his t-shirt. She shook her head.
"Is that all you think about?" she asked.
"Well no, not all." he said shrugging almost apologetically then pausing. "Okay, pretty much, but there's the thought of beer and one or two other things that occasionally pass through my mind as well..."
"Really?" she asked, her eyebrows rising further. "Such as?"
"Okay, you got me sussed." he said standing up and posing in much the same way as the woman on screen. "I admit it. I really wish I had a body like hers. It's not just the tits."
"You're impossible!" she laughed, slapping him playfully on the shoulder and they hugged, still laughing together.
The next day, Gary awoke feeling decidedly odd. Bleary-eyed, he pulled on a dressing gown and stumbled into the bathroom, plonking himself on the toilet seat as was his habit first thing rather than risk missing the pan. Getting up afterwards, he caught a glimpse of himself as he walked past the mirror hanging over the basin.
"Blimey!" he thought. "She's stacked." An appropriate comment, since apart from being dark-haired and brown eyed, the reflected image did bear a resemblance to Skyler (Pamela Anderson) from the TV comedy, Stacked (though not quite so 'stacked'), which didn't register fully until he reached the door, some three tenths of a second later, where he froze, his large, long-lashed eyes going very wide.
He shook his head, feeling long, tousled hair undulate with his motions.
"What the... ?" he wondered and moved backwards towards the mirror.
"Holy cow!" he whispered.
"Oh, do you like it duckyboots? I couldn't help overhearing you last night. I think I did rather well and it's all real, no implants. Better than that woman on the telly don't you think?"
"What? Who said that?" exclaimed Gary, spinning round and narrowly missing crashing down on the bathtub due to the redistribution of weight, most notably just below his shoulders at the front — lots of front; lots.
"Now don't you just look peachy when you're flustered, sweetie?"
Standing by the lavatory, was a man, least it looked like it was masculine — sort of. He was about five foot five, clipper-cut silver-white hair and quite round. He had a stud in at least one ear that sparkled and a cherubic face. Definitely male, but then again... Perhaps it was the pink tutu, white tights, purple Doctor Marten's, cotton wool-covered cardboard wings strapped to his back and a wand with silver, glitter-covered five-pointed star on the end.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Gary turning and looking directly at the... er, 'thing' in the little girl's ballerina costume.
"Well that's a nice welcome I must say." it replied, pouting. "Some people just don't appreciate the effort. I'm your fairy Godfather of course."
"Godfather?" Gary exclaimed. "What have you done to me?"
"Answered your wish and aren't you just darling." it lisped. "Positively ravishing — for a woman!"
"Wish? What wish?"
"The one you made last night lovipoohs. At the end of that telly programme." He waved his wand in that typical 'fairy' movement, where with a very limp wrist and pinky-finger raised, the wand swished through the air leaving a trail of sparkles behind it. When it stopped, there was a flash and a cartoon-style TV set appeared floating just above the bathroom floor showing him and Val and the last few moments of Extreme Makeover where Gary posed, the man's entire movement culminating in the thrusting outwards of his posterior, flicking the rear of the tutu into the air with a flamboyant flourish.
"You wanted to have a body like hers and well, here I am and there you are. Aren't you pleased?"
"Oh shit!" said Gary, dropping heavily on the edge of the bath, his face pale. The wand was swished again, leaving more glittery trails in the air as the TV 'poofed' out of existence with a flash and a puff of blue smoke. Gary rubbed his eyes, blinking. The man was still there.
"That's not what I meant... I am dreaming aren't I?"
"Not a dream, sweet-cheeks." It lisped in a sing-song manner then added in a more serious tone, "A dream come true."
"You're my fairy Godfather you say?" Gary quizzed, the concept of a masculine version of a fairytale princesses magical ally coming into reality in masculine form — if that be an adequate description.
"In the flesh — so to speak." he said twirling girlishly though clumsily, the wand leaving glittery trails as if to add emphasis to the move.
"Do I look like I'm joking?" he asked petulantly, striking a pose once again poking his butt out behind him.
"Joking? No, but I'm afraid I'm finding it very difficult to take you seriously in that get-up."
"I thought it was appropriate." he said girlishly, flouncing the frills of the tutu, the wings on his back giving a slight flutter as he jiggled.
"Appropriate for what?" asked Gary, finding it nearly impossible to maintain his composure.
"Being a fairy Godfather, silly!" he camped.
"Emphasis on the 'fairy' I presume?"
"Now, now. No need to be catty."
"So how many wishes do I get?"
"How many? There is no 'many'. I thought you'd be happy with this one."
"But it wasn't really a wish. It was just idle banter, you know, we were messing around"
"Well it sounded like a wish to me otherwise it wouldn't have worked."
"Well okay, I said "I wish", but I didn't really wish."
"A wish is a wish."
"That's rubbish! I've wished loads of times to win the lottery, but it never happened. I've wished umpteen times to get that special job, but that didn't happen either. Where were you then and why did you suddenly decide to grant this of all wishes?" said Gary hotly.
"Er... It sounded real enough to me." said the little man defensively.
"But you didn't check before you unloaded a full-blown sex change on me?" asked Gary. "No 'are you sure' dialog box to 'okay'?" The little man looked at the floor, pushing some vagrant specs of dust around with his toe.
"No." he said, finally.
"Right; that's what I thought. Well, it's obviously been a huge mistake sochange me back."
"Can't." said the little man.
"What? I'm stuck like this?" Asked Gary, his dark eyes widening to the size of serving platters as the little man looked more and more unsure of himself.
"Ah..." he said cautiously. "I'll be back in a minute. Don't go away." The little man looked agitated and with a 'phut', he vanished.
Gary sat down on the edge of the bath, head in hands.
"What am I going to do?" he asked rhetorically.
Moments later, there was the sound of arguing, well, bickering really; like two people having a bit of a to-do at the other end of a long tunnel. The sound got closer and closer followed by a flash then a 'poof' noise and out of the smoke stepped a skinny man in a gold lamé jacket, skin-tight leather trousers and a shiny satin shirt unbuttoned to the middle of his chest; a gold medallion nestled, sparkling in the 'V'. He was carrying a clipboard and had a biro behind his right ear. He also didn't stop berating whoever it was he was giving the ear-bashing to.
Seconds later, there was a slight crackling in the air, a small wisp of smoke and out of it fell the little man, who crashed to the floor just in front of Gary's extremely pretty feet. He too was arguing the toss, but his ranting was cut short upon impact with the bathroom floor.
"Ow! Bugger!" he said.
"Impressive." said Gary wryly.
"I've told you before, Cedric, not to do that. You haven't had the practice."
"But you did it." pouted the little man smoothing his clothing.
"Yes Cedric, but when I did it, I didn't fall from five feet above the intended floor and besides, I looked good doing it. Wouldn't you agree Mr Jones?"
"What? Me? Don't bring me into this. I just want to get back to normal." said Gary, watching the proceedings with interest and no small amount of confusion.
"Ah yes. About that..." started the skinny fellow, flicking through pages on his clipboard. "What appears to be the problem?"
"Well, Duh!" said Gary, his temper becoming once again inflamed. He stood and opened his gown, displaying his all too feminine figure. "Even you called me 'Mr Jones'."
"Ah." said the skinny man blushing crimson.
"That's what he said." said Gary sitting back on the edge of the bath and throwing an accusing look at Cedric, who immediately went and stood behind the skinny man, peeping out from behind his left arm.
"Ah." said the skinny man again.
"So you said — twice." said Gary. "Now what are you going to do about it?"
"To be frank Mr Jones, there's not a lot at this moment that we can do."
"What?! This was his mistake not mine. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I mean, there must be millions out there who would give their eye teeth for something like this to happen to them, but I really don't want this and haven't done from the beginning. I told Clarence that."
"It's Cedric." said the pouting little man, poking his tongue out at Gary, who studiously ignored him.
"Whatever. I told him that in the beginning. So why can't you just undo what you did and let me get back to my life?"
"Magic doesn't work like that. Each time it's used, it sends out ripples."
"And your point is?"
"Let me explain. It's like when you drop a stone into a still pond, the ripples move outwards from the point of entry, right? Well magic works the same way. The magic is the stone and the pond is your world. The ripples the stone makes upon entry represent the magic as it ripples outwards. The time it takes the ripples to dissipate depends on the magic performed. You could say that the type of magic performed in this case was a very big stone, sending out very strong ripples. We can't create more magic in your specific pond until after those ripples have dissipated and the pond is once again still. Changing you was big magic and it takes longer for the ripples in your pond to settle.
"Now if we were to change you back, it would be like dropping another stone into your pond before the ripples had gone — before the pond was once again still. The ripples would mix up and become distorted. There's no telling what might happen if we did that."
"How long before you can do something?" asked Gary standing up again. The skinny man sucked in through his front teeth like a mechanic trying to work out how much he could overcharge his customer for something that really didn't need doing in the first place.
"No more than a month."
"Maybe two, it depends."
"TWO MONTHS?!" Gary dropped back to the edge of the bath with a muffled 'thud'.
"Look, I understand how you feel, but magic takes time to settle and we have to let it settle."
"But what happens in the meantime? What am I going to say to Val, the people I work with? No-one's going to believe this."
"Ah, now we can help you there."
"We can cast a spell that will cause people who know you to accept that you are who you are, what you look like etc, but it will mean that you will have to wait the full two months before you can be changed back."
"And no-one will know that I wasn't er, like this before?"
"They may have a feeling there's something different, but they won't know what and they won't dwell upon questioning you."
"That's a start at least."
"It's the least we can do, after all, you're right, it was our fault." said the man with the clipboard, looking daggers over his shoulder at Cedric who immediately cowered. "We should have been a little more thorough before we started shooting spells of at the hip — shouldn't we Cedric?"
"I told you Stephen, I distinctly heard him wish..."
"Yes well. If that is all, we'll be off." said Stephen, cutting Cedric's excuse off by clapping his hand over the little man's mouth.
"Actually, there is just one more thing."
Stephen removed the biro from behind his ear again and flipped the pages to a blank one. "Yes?"
"You couldn't help out with the wardrobe could you? I don't have anything — and I mean anything except this dressing gown — to wear."
"That's no problem, Cedric?"
"My pleasure Stephen." said the small man, inclining his head. The little man went through the same ritual as before as he waved his wand, the sparkles building to a crescendo and both he and Stephen vanished.
"Now that was impressive." said Gary.
"Thank you." replied a hollow-sounding Cedric from the ether.
Gary still wasn't wholly convinced he wasn't dreaming. He opened the front of his gown to stare at the body reflected in the mirror.
It looked real and as he slid his hands from hip to breasts, it felt real. He gasped slightly as his delicate hands moved across his nipples, leaving them firm and tingling, the darkened skin around them, crinkling and producing yet more tingles as the temperature rose.
"Phew!" he said breathlessly. "I never thought..." He imagined he was feeling pretty much the same sensations as Val when he played with her breasts. It was a whole new ball game or should that be a game without balls now?
I know what you're thinking and yes, he did try out the rest, but rather than take this account into the realms of pornography, let's just say that he ended up with a look of wonder, jelly legs and found himself sat once again on the edge of the bath, a warm feeling all over and once the feelings had subsided, a silly grin on his face.
Just from this one um, 'trial run' shall we say...
Oh come on now, be fair. You can't expect to give someone a whole new toolkit and not expect them to at least try it out can you?
Anyway, as I was saying, his little 'trial run' was a real eye opener for him. It gave him a sensation that rocked his world, or very nearly took his legs out from under him. It was much a more intense sensation than he'd experienced as a man and his mind was racing at the thought of more of the same when it came to him and Val together — which would no doubt up the intensity some.
Drawing his dressing gown tightly round him or her I should say, she tip-toed back into the bedroom, slipping quietly in to her side of the bed, hoping not to disturb Val as she lay sleeping.