Chapter 1

The news came out of the blue just as I was getting ready to go and meet him at the airport, a senior officer from his regiment delivered the news and as soon as I saw him pulling up outside along with a pretty little assistant, I knew my husband was dead.

"I'm sorry Michaela" he said sombrely, "We know how much he meant to you"

"He didn't, of course he didn't, he didn't know that we were planning on starting afresh as soon as his latest tour in Iraq was over, he didn't know that it was to have been a last ditch attempt at patching up our marriage.

My tears were genuine though, he was a good man and didn't deserve to die in that festering pile of shit where the troops weren't wanted and where religious bigotry was not only rife but actively encouraged.

"Your brother's on his way home to be with you" he said gently, "He was with Gerry when it happened" he made the usual noises about the Regiment being a family and all sticking together, but I hardly heard him, I was numb.

Friends and neighbours called with sympathy and made me endless cups of tea which I didn't really want, they all knew him of course, everybody in bloody Hereford knew him, especially the women, he was tall, dark and devastatingly handsome and after one or two drunken nights with him and my brother Tommy, I realised just how much of a ladies man he'd been!

Eventually the front door bell stopped ringing and I was able to go upstairs and lie down, for some strange reason I felt tired, so very tired, but I was completely unable to sleep, it was after seven at night when I got in the car and drove to the off licence where I bought enough booze to get myself some sleep and I can vaguely remember noticing that it was well after midnight before I fell asleep on the sofa.

My brother arrived the following lunchtime looking haggard, unshaven and tired from the long trip from Iraq, no words were spoken as we hugged each other for what seemed like forever until he said softly,

"Hi kid, you look rough"

I smiled through my tear filled eyes and asked if he'd seen himself lately, then I packed him off upstairs for a bath and unpacked his kit before taking him up a can of lager straight from the fridge, he was sunburnt and muscular, far more muscular than Gerry and at six feet three inches tall, he was quite an impressive man, the sort of man not many people would want to get into a fight with.

"Only one?" he said with a smile and gestured to the can, but I'd beaten him to it and produced another one from behind my back,

He laughed and it made me smile, mind you, he always made me smile, even as kids growing up together, we were always the best of friends, next to Gerry, he was the most important man in my life.

"It'll get better kid" he said and took my hand, "It's something we all live with, or die with, he knew the risks"

He slept then until the following morning and he actually looked more like his old self when he eventually appeared and took me down to the camp commandant's office.

It was painful signing all the papers for Gerry's outstanding pay and his belongings, but thank God Tommy was with me, Gerry's body had been returned to Hereford and Tommy gripped my hand tightly as I looked down at his face in the coffin, then it was to the camp chapel where we held a small service for him and that was that, I was a widow!

The reception afterwards was a bit of an odd do, his mates in the Regiment held an auction of all his kit and paid ridiculous prices for gear they could have drawn from the stores, I found it very moving, but I knew from past experience that they always did it and when I was presented with the money raised I could only smile and nod my gratitude.

I wasn't allowed to buy a drink all night long and it was a good job Tommy was with me to help me get home, I can't remember how we got there, but I woke up with a king sized hangover the following morning to find a note from him saying that he'd gone to see the C.O.

I was on my second cup of coffee when he arrived back and hit me with a bombshell,

"I'm out kid"

"What d'you mean, you're out?"

"It means I'm terminating my employment with Her Majesty's armed forces, I've had it Mickey, Gerry getting slotted was the last straw, I've just been to see the boss and he was ok about it, he understood"

"Yeah but I don't, ever since we were kids growing up together, you wanted to be a soldier, not just any old soldier, oh no, that wouldn't have been good enough for my Tommy, you knew you'd get in the SAS didn't you, the toughest training and selection process in any army in the world didn't bother you did it? You never doubted that you'd get in, now after four years you've just decided to chuck it all in"

"Yeah" he said and accepted the coffee I handed him, "There's a bit more to it though kid, I've been transferred to the home troop, you know domestic shit and all that, the boss reckons my nerves have gone"

"Have they?"

"No, but I want out anyway, I've got a few plans"

"What sort of plans?"

"I'm twenty six kid and I've just decided that I don't want to carry a gun any more, I don't want to be a shadowy figure, I don't want to kill any more people even those who deserve bloody slotting, I'm going to tell you something about me and Gerry, but you must promise to keep it to yourself"

"Of course"

"We were asked to be seconded to an American outfit who were after the big boys, you know those on the pack of cards"

I nodded, "Yes Gerry told me about it"

"Well we slotted four out of the six we were after and then we found the other two in a house on the outskirts of our area, we trussed them up and were going to take them in for questioning when one of them started blubbing, his mate gobbed off at him to keep quiet but he wasn't having any of it, he was shit fucking scared that we would kill him"

"He was probably right" I observed dryly,

"Yeah, but the point is that he offered us money, a lot of money"

"I know about that too"

"Yeah but what you don't know is that we accepted"

"Rubbish, I know you and Gerry better than that"

He leaned over and squeezed my hand, "It's not quite as simple as that kid, the Yanks held a Chinese parliament in which we weren't included, there was a scream, a gunshot and more blabbering in Arabic, their captain came back and put it to us that there had been an attempted escape, they'd killed one of the rag heads"

"Go on" this was getting interesting,

"Oddly enough" he grinned wryly, "The one who lived was the one who offered the money and the captain left us in no doubt that we'd be wise to accept it along with them"

"So you did"

"Yes, our share came to just over half a million between us"

"Where is it now?"

He fished in his pocket and bought out a scrap of paper with an address and a load of numbers on it"

"There" he said quietly, "It's in a Swiss bank account with offices in London"

"Have you checked?"

"Yeah it's there all right, I phoned before I went to see the boss"

I sat back to think about it, but my head was spinning, then another thought struck me, something that had been niggling at the back of my mind since I got up.

"How come I woke up naked Tommy?"

"I undressed you last night" he smiled and looked at me challengingly,

"Look I know I was a bit under the weather, but I think that was a bit much don't you?"

"You'd wet yourself" he said simply, "If I'd have left you you'd have been all sore this morning"

""Wet myself?"

"You stood outside the front door and announced proudly that you needed to pee and as the widow of a war hero, you were entitled to pee wherever you wanted to"

"Oh my God"

"And then you fell over and I caught you"

I felt myself going bright red and I squirmed with embarrassment,

"I've done that before" I said in a voice that I didn't really recognize.

"I know"

"You know?"

"Yes, as I was undressing you, you came round and asked me to fuck you, your words kid, not mine"

"Oh Tommy" I said miserably, "What can I say except that I'm sorry?"