Chapter 7

Writing is hard work and writing about this is very difficult. Sometime, the pain is to strong for me to continue. I'm almost done. I will be glad to get this one behind me.

"Mary until you can begin to understand what you have done, you will never begin to understand his pain. So here are a few things I want you to think about until our next session.

Why do you want Mike back?

And

What do you think that you have to do to get him to even try to save the marriage?

Mike saw Kelli as soon as he cleared the security checkpoint at the airport. She looked absolutely fabulous! She saw him at the same moment and her first thought was how haggard he looked. She could tell immediately that he was really on the jagged edge with one foot already over the precipice. She waved and ran into his arms. They stood there hugging tightly in the middle of the flow of passengers making their way out of the airport.

"Kelli, you look wonderful. I am so happy to see you. When I first saw you a moment ago, I realized how long it has been since I've seen a friendly and welcoming face."

"Come on Mike, let's get your bags and get out of this mad house. I'm parked out front and if they haven't towed me yet we can make a quick exit." They grabbed his bag from the carousel and quickly left the airport in Kelli's Camry. Kelli kept glancing at Mike as she drove and again she couldn't help seeing how haggard he had become in just a short month. Mike looked over at her and then she could now also see the pain and despair in his eyes. Her heart broke at what she was seeing. She so desperately wanted to help him anyway that she could. Mike was very withdrawn and Kelli didn't try to force conversation on him as they drove to her apartment. When they arrived, she led him up to the second floor and ushered him into her home. She showed him where to put his bags in the spare bedroom and told him to meet her in the kitchen for some coffee.

Holding his cup cradled in his hands, Mike said "Thanks Kelli. I just didn't know where to turn to and what to do. I've been so lost and the pain in my heart is simply more than I can bear. This last month with my wife has been an absolute hell!"

"What is she doing to you? Do you want me to come back there and kick her ass for you?" Kelli gave a small wry grin and continued to ask, "Have you filed for divorce? Are you still living at home? Is she still sleeping with her asshole lover? Come on Mike! Tell me why you are in such bad shape."

"I guess I should just start from when I returned home. On looking back, I really hadn't done any real thinking about my marriage or my wife the whole time I was in Hawaii. Part of that is because I was with you most of the time and I guess the rest I could simply blame on ignoring the whole mess. From the moment I got off the plane, Mary was all over me. I mean she was acting the adoring and faithful wife welcoming her long gone and sorely missed husband. By the time we got home from the airport, I couldn't take it another second and simply blew up. I told her I knew all about her affair. How long it had been going on and how I felt about how she had treated me during the entire time. I guess I really blasted her. She actually had the balls to look hurt. I would have laughed at that if I hadn't been so hurt and angry. Over the next week, she kept after me. She tried to keep up her fake loving façade and just acted as thought I was simply having a rough time getting back into the family routine. Finally I was able to get through to her that I was going to divorce her as soon as legally possible and made her understand that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with her and nothing from her from that moment on."

"I figured that pretty much how it was going to happen when you got back home." Kelli said softly. "I knew that you really had not faced up to just what you were going back to and I was afraid that it was going to be to much for you to handle. You still haven't answered my questions."

Mike laughed harshly and said, "I can't get anything past you, Kelli. You always get to the meat of the subject and won't let go until you get what you want. Yes, I've filed for divorce but it's being held up because Mary hasn't hired her own lawyer yet and I simply refuse to pay for both attorneys. I am getting pretty frustrated and have thought several times of simply walking away. I really don't care if I'm divorced from her or not as long as I don't have to live with her or support her. My lawyer says that I can actually do that as long as I make sure that I give her an allowance equal to what the courts would normally require. I got a great bonus and a good raise when I got back to the home office so I can actually afford to take reasonably good care of my kids. Mary would have to keep her job to make up the difference. Her lover is gone. I don't know when he left or how long he has been gone. I really don't care because it's no longer important. I can't really explain why, but I'm still living at home and sleeping in our spare room. The kids and I are doing really well although I'm a little surprised about that. It's just that every time I look at the mean evil bitch I laughingly refer to as my wife, I get this terrible pain in my heart and a huge ache in my gut. Words cannot describe the hate and loathing I have for the way that she has destroyed our marriage and our family!"

Mike looked at Kelli and continued, "When I think about not only what she did but how long it went on behind my back, I get in an actual rage. I loose any ability to think and can only feel. I keep asking myself simple questions like, why? Was I that bad of a husband and lover? Did I do something so bad that I drove her into the arms of her lover? Was he so much more of a man than me that she couldn't help but chose him over me? If I hadn't had that time with you in Hawaii, I would most likely have lost my mind. My doubts and questions would have over whelmed me completely."

Kelli laughed lightly, "I can assure you that you are every bit of a real man, both in and out of bed. If there hadn't been so many differences between us, I think we might have been able to become a real couple. You certainly were able to ring my bell many, many times. I can only guess why your wife did what she did. There are simply to many reasons or excuses that prompted her to be unfaithful. She is the only one that can answer your questions. One day maybe, you will have the strength to ask her.

Pausing momentarily, Kelli continued, "The questions that you really need answer to are really quite simple. Do you still love your wife? Do you think there is any chance that you two could get past this terrible tragedy? Do you even want to try to forgive her? Its questions like these that are really the important issues that you must think about and try to discuss with your wife. You must also make sure that what ever you do decide to do, you must do that for the right reasons."

Mike and Kelli talked long into the night. Kelli had taken some personal time so she didn't have to go into work the rest of the week. Early in the morning, Kelli suddenly yawned and told Mike she had to get some rest. He was also exhausted. She gently pushed him towards the spare room and then she retired to her bedroom for some sleep.

They both awoke about noon and after showering and dressing, Kelli made a healthy and hearty lunch. Afterwards, Kelli took Mike to a local park so that they could enjoy the wonderful weather and each other's company. The rest of the week was spent talking long hours, taking walks through the park and enjoying relaxing companionship.

The last day before Mike had to return home was spent leisurely relaxing about Kelli's apartment. They did talk briefly about their relationship as well as many other topics. "I am a little surprised that we did not sleep together while I was here", Mike mentioned casually that afternoon. "I mean that we did have an affair in Hawaii that lasted several months yet here in Seattle, in your apartment, we have been as brother and sister. I wonder why that is? I still think that you are an extremely attractive young woman. It's just that..."

"Mike, we had our time in Hawaii and I believe that was really all we were meant to have with each other. Actually, I also feel much more like your younger sister now. You don't need me complicating your life right now. Your plate is so full of other things and there is no room for us. It's not a bad thing. It's just the way things are now."

The next morning as they drove towards the airport, Mike thanked Kelli for helping him so much in such a short time. "I guess now I know what I need to do to start on the rest of my life." Kelli looked at Mike with a question on her face. "I need to sit down with Mary and ask some of those questions that we have talked about. After that, I need to decide to go on with the divorce or not. If divorce is the answer, then I need to find a place and move out of our home. Staying there like things are now is just so bad for everyone. If by some miracle, divorce is not the immediate answer, then I... no, Mary and I need to get some help. We could never do this by ourselves."

Kelli smiled at Mike and knew that he was going to be ok now and she felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off her back. She did love Mike as a brother and only wanted for him to be happy. Later she watched him go through airport security and waved to him one last time as he looked back at her before turning the corner.

Dr. Phil sat quietly at his desk and looked at Mary sitting before him. She seemed somehow a little different but he couldn't tell for sure. She sat there for several minutes with her head down and looking seemingly at her hands in her lap until finally she was the one to break the heavy silence.

"Phil, I'm sitting here wondering how in all that is holy, how I ever got to this place. I guess what I am attempting to say is how did I get to be so fucked up? I've spent every last available minute just thinking about the last year and a half. If I took a knife and stabbed my husband in the heart, I am sure that I could not have done him any more harm. Also if I had simply drowned my children, I could not have been any more heartless and uncaring about their welfare."

"It seems that I have been the only one who has not been able to the horrible and selfish way I have been acting for way, way to long. So I really cannot tell you or my husband just why I had an affair. I really don't know. Can you help me?"