Chapter 76

Cindy, Dale and I flew up to Bolling early on Friday afternoon. Joyce met us at the airport in her Lincoln. Hans, in Mama's limo, was busy picking up Brenda and the children from the airport in Springfield. They were all expected to arrive at Mama's later that evening.

To say that Joyce was excited about Brenda's visit would be a gross understatement. She had already plotted out a campaign designed to woo Brenda back to us. In her mind, I was the only weak link in her plan. If I would just treat Brenda nicely, Joyce was certain her campaign would prove a complete success.

In her single minded concentration on Brenda's coming visit, Joyce had failed to pay very much notice to either Dale or Cindy. She was like that sometimes, too focussed on one event to take any interest in other happenings around her. I reminded her that other people liked to feel welcomed and appreciated too. After I mentioned this to her, Joyce stopped her gushing over Brenda, and paid more attention to both Dale and Cindy.

I spent an enjoyable weekend with Joyce, Shirley, and our children. I spent Friday night in bed with Joyce and Cindy, Saturday night with Dale and Shirley, and we didn't see Brenda until Sunday, when all of us drove over to Mama's for lunch.

Mama had phoned over to the house early Saturday morning to let us know that Brenda was tired and upset from the ordeal of her trip back to Kansas. Joyce was the one who spoke with her, because I was occupied in the play room enjoying having some contact with my children.

It had quickly become apparent to all of us that Brenda's return was more than the simple visit that she had spoken of. Brenda hadn't liked California. She didn't like being so far away from her family and friends. Right before she left to fly out here, she and Emily had one of their big fights. Both had said things they didn't really mean, and as a result, Brenda now had no intention of ever returning to California.

In my mind, I thought this had probably been Brenda's intent all along. I could see her picking a fight with Emily right before leaving, in order to give herself some justification for doing what she already wanted to do. Emily must have seen it too. Things like that had happened too often in the past for her not to have anticipated the possibility.

Mama had told Joyce that all of us should stay away from Brenda for another day. This was to allow her time to get her emotions back under control again. I was pretty sure it wasn't Brenda's emotions that needed controlling. Mama needed some time with Brenda, without the hindrance of any outside distractions, in order to consolidate the control she was trying to get over Brenda. Mama was mostly concerned that Dwightee and April not be taken again to someplace outside her sphere of influence and control.

Seeing Brenda again on Sunday had only increased my determination to try something different with her. She looked as beautiful as she ever had, and she also seemed unchanged as far as being willing to trade on her looks in order to get what she wanted. She made it plain to me that she hoped I would take her back again. In doing so, she attempted to place most of the blame for our earlier troubles on Emily's ability to talk her into taking actions she wouldn't have necessarily taken on her own.

"I'm happy to see you and the children back in Ridgeline, Brenda. Mama told us you were very upset about how you left things with Emily. She thinks it might be better if you took some time to get that problem worked out before we try to make any changes to our own situation."

"It is worked out, Kenny. I came back. Things will be like they were before, if you let me come back. I want us to go back to being how we were before you got sick." Brenda could see the effect she was having on me, could sense that my attraction to her hadn't disappeared, or even diminished. She posed and preened in front of me, confident that I would once again welcome her back. I was sure a good part of her confidence was predicated on what she had been told by both Joyce and Mama. She thought all she had to do was let me know she wanted to come back. Joyce believed that would be enough as well. I'd been conditioned by her to accept Brenda back.

"If we did that, it would only stay worked out until the next time Emily talks you into leaving again. I don't want to keep going through that. This time, for all our sakes, instead of letting you come back, I'm going to try to figure out something different, something that might have a better chance of working out for us."

"I won't leave again, Kenny. I promise. I know where I belong now, where the children and I need to be, and that's with you."

"I'd have to be sure that having you come back was the best thing for all of us. I'd need to believe that before I'd agree to anything. I'm going to wait until I am sure before deciding anything this time."

"I came back because your mother and Joyce both told me that you were now ready for us to start things over fresh again."

"If they told you that, then they both misled you. There aren't any fresh starts. We've both spent half our lives thinking that we could make things work by doing the same things that have failed for us every time. I don't want to keep on doing that. Your problem isn't with Mama or Joyce, it's with me. I'm the one you need to convince that being with you would be better than leaving it like it is right now. It doesn't matter what they told you, this isn't their decision to make, it's mine. I'm glad you came back here, and I really hope you decide to stay. As long as you are here, there's a chance we can work some things out."

"I came back for us to be together again. That's what I want." I could see that Brenda was unhappy with the tone of my words, and with the words themselves. She too had been conditioned by Mama and Joyce to think it was already a done deal.

"That will have to wait until I make the decision, if I ever do make it. Right now, I have more than enough to do just trying to rebuild relationships with the women who elected to stay here. I'll need to speak with Emily, to find out what her plans are before I'm even ready to give any thought to what should happen with the three of us. As far as Joyce and the other wives go, I'm sure you're welcome to spend time with them. I'd like to spend time with Dwightee and April too, whenever I come up here for visits."

"If you aren't willing to take me back, to take me and the children back, then I have no reason for staying here."

"You'll do what you want to do, you always have before. If you decide to leave again, it will just prove that I was right about nothing being changed for us. The only way you can show me that things are really different is if you stay and try to show me those differences. You already have Mama and Joyce on your side. If you leave again, you'll probably lose some of their support."

"You already told me their support was worthless to me."

"No. What I said was it was my decision to make. I also said I wasn't going to decide anything until I had reason to believe what I decided could work for us. If you leave here, I have no reason for trying to decide anything about us. When you were out in California, I left you both alone. I'm not the one trying to change how things stand now, you are."

Lunch was strained. Apparently Brenda had discussed everything with all of the other women right after our private talk in the library had concluded. From the looks I was getting from Joyce and Mama, I was in for some trouble once either of them got me alone. Even Gerta seemed upset with me over the way my conversation with Brenda had gone.

My Dad and I had a good business discussion about my plan for spinning off the Quick Snacks company from Macklinson's. I could see that Cindy was paying rapt attention to how my father was reacting to my ideas and suggestions.

"It's your program, Kenny. Whatever you decide to do is fine with me. The bankers will need to be told about this new direction. There might be a lot of paperwork necessary to reassure them that they still have some recourse to the assets and income of the program after you make it an independent company."

"That isn't a problem, Dad. It will still be a wholly owned subsidiary to our company, just like Macklinson's is now."

"Technically, that's true, but bankers like everything spelled out clearly to them. They'll want their position reaffirmed in writing."

"Give them whatever they need then."

I thought the discussion was over until Mama asked me a new question.

"Kenny, who owns the grain trading company? Is that yours, or is it part of the overall company, like the grain brokerage business should be?" I could see she was already maneuvering, trying to put me in a position where I might be easier to control.

In my mind, there was some justification for her making a claim on the brokerage company. The capital was all my own personal money, but I had made use of some company assets to make everything work out more smoothly.

What I already knew was that I wasn't going to deny Mama anything she wanted me to give her financially. If she wanted any or all of it, she was more than welcome to it. I was about to answer her that way when my father cut me off.

"Bertie, that will be enough of that. I won't have you jeopardizing the very future of our business because of some pique you happen to feel over a purely personal matter. Kenny owns both those companies, and he also owns all their assets."

"Mama, you know you can always have whatever I own. I won't be controlled by money though. Rich or poor, I'm going to do what I think is right for me and my family. If it suits your needs, I'd be willing to withdraw from any or all of what we currently own or manage together."

"You say that now, Kenny, but what if it actually came to you having to make that decision? You're talking about an awful lot of money." Mama was probing me, trying to find any weakness she could exploit to get what she wanted from me. I knew how important Dwightee and April were to her, and the promises that both Brenda and I had made to her.

"I'm willing to get up right now and leave everything, if that's what you want from me."

"What I want is for you to stop putting your own selfish needs ahead of what is best for this family. Brenda has indicated her willingness to return. You should accept her sincere offer to start all over again. It is important that you really try to make things work out in a way that is best for all of us."

"I'm not the one who is being selfish, Mama. I'm convinced that what you want won't work out well for our family. Not in the long term. It never has worked out and we've tried it many times. Unless something changes from all those past attempts, this reconciliation attempt would fail just like all the others. I'm tired of playing this Yo Yo game with Emily and Brenda. We all need to decide what we each want, then come to some sort of an arrangement that will accomplish that. What Brenda is offering me now won't do this."

"You can't be sure that it won't unless you give it a chance to work."

"I have given it a chance, and it didn't work. It's time to try something different. I can't make an arrangement with Brenda alone. She changes her mind like other people change their socks. This time I'm just going to wait until I come up with a plan that could possibly work. Nothing anyone else says or does is going to make me decide to do anything else before I feel I'm ready."

"At least take Brenda back to Birmingham with you. I'll watch the children for you while you two try to work out your differences."

I stood up from the table, excusing myself from it. I could tell that Mama was digging her heels in on this subject. We were about to have a real clash of wills if I stayed around. I went out through the front door and began the walk back over to my own house. I had to slow down after a few minutes in order to wait for Cindy and Dale to catch up with me.

Together, the three of us walked to the house. I already had my bag packed and was waiting downstairs for Cindy and Dale, when the front door opened and Joyce came hurrying in. As soon as she saw I was still there, she stopped and stood in place, ten feet away, just staring at me.

"Why, Kenny? You knew what I wanted from you. Why didn't you at least warn me that you were going to do what you did?"

"Brenda isn't ready yet, Joyce. She may never be ready. I'm not going to just go along with you and Mama when I'm already sure what you want wouldn't work. I'm not ready either. I knew that as soon as I set eyes on Brenda again. I haven't worked through all the feelings she gave me from the last time."

"It looks to me like you never intended to do what we both agreed you would do."

"I'll do what I said, when I can do it. I never had any firm timetable. You're the one in such a big hurry, not me. I can't just force myself to do something because that's what you want me to do. I want to put things back to the way they were, but not if I know it won't work out doing it that way. I'm putting it together, slowly, carefully, piece by piece. Right now, I can't give you what you want, not as far as Brenda and Emily are concerned."

"Mama's all upset. Brenda's making her worry that she's thinking about taking the children and returning to Los Angeles."

"I don't think Brenda wants to go back. Right now, she's just negotiating, trying to make the best deal she can for herself. Brenda will settle down, right after I leave here."

"Suppose you're wrong? Then what?"

"Then nothing. We have a problem because the two of us want different things now with Brenda. I'm still open to the idea of you getting what you want, I just need some time to make it so that I want it too. Right now, I can't do that. Brenda's been coming and going her whole life. If she goes again, she'll eventually come back. What I've done with her in the past hasn't worked that well. I'd really like to find a way to be with her that will work. If not, then I'd like to find another way, one where I wasn't with her, but I was with Dwightee and April."

"This is just what I meant when I told you that you hadn't really changed, Kenny. You make decisions based only on what you want now. You knew all you had to do was tell Brenda she could move back in with us."

"I didn't say she couldn't move in here with you, Joyce. All I told her was that I'm not ready to take her back right now. You're welcome to take her back if you want to."

"She wants you to take her back. She doesn't care about what I want."

"Are you taking us to the airport, or shall I call Hans to do it?"

"You can't just leave now with things all up in the air like this! You need to talk to Brenda again and get her calmed down. Tell her you'll come up to talk to her some more. Tell her next weekend."

"I'll call Hans. I'll be at the clinic this week like I planned. I'll talk to Dr. Fellows about what happened, and how I feel. This thing with Brenda is going to take a lot of thought. I was hoping that you and I could get our situation sorted out better before we had to start dealing with this Brenda and Emily problem. I'll call you tonight, We can talk about it some more."

"Don't leave like this, Kenny. I'm not sure I could forgive you if you did that."

I looked over at her. To me, her saying something like that was a very strange thing. I didn't think I did anything to need forgiveness for. This was my life too that she was trying to impose her decisions on. Her happiness was important to me, but I wasn't going to do something I knew was bad for me just so she could get her way.

"You better think about things before you say something like that, Joyce. I never agreed to try to get things back together your way. I have to do this in a way that makes some sense to me. Right now, taking Brenda back doesn't make any sense to me. I'm going to leave because my visit is over. I enjoyed being here, but its time to leave now. I'm glad I saw Brenda and the kids again, but, seeing her, I knew the time wasn't right yet for us to try to work things out. I know you didn't get everything you'd hoped for from this visit, but you got what was possible for me to give you. If you decide to set this thing up as a contest of wills between us, you're going to have as much success doing that as Mama did when she tried it earlier. I'm not going to be forced to do something I know I'm not ready to do yet."

Joyce was crying while I spoke. I could see that she was just as determined as I was about this. I don't think I was very surprised. I'd known for a long time how important all the other wives were to her overall happiness. She had counted quite a bit on having Brenda back with us. Her frustration and disappointment were obvious.

"I mean it, Kenny. You better not just leave like this. If you do leave, I don't know what's going to happen with us."

I walked over to the telephone and called over to Mama's house for Hans. While I was asking him for a ride over to Bolling, Joyce walked past me and then started up the staircase. She didn't say goodbye to Dale or Cindy either.

I could tell, on the ride out to the airport that Cindy and Dale were in shock over what had occurred between Joyce and me. I was pretty upset myself, but still believed I'd had no real choice in doing what I'd done.

I believed Joyce would come around eventually. I also knew that I understood better what she meant when she told me I hadn't changed. I still defied her will. This was something I almost never did before I got sick. Instead of defying her before, I'd find some way that I could go along with her, or else find a compromise we could both live with.

In that sense, my willingness not to give in or compromise with her was what she felt was proof that I hadn't changed from when I'd been released from the clinic. That was the single most important personality trait to her. Unfortunately, this was one of the changes in my personality that I most appreciated and embraced.

One of the things I'd disliked about the old Kenny was the way he wouldn't stand up to Joyce. I'd give in to her and then carry resentments about having done so. The new way seemed better by far to me.

I took Dale with me to the clinic early on Monday morning. I had tried calling Joyce Sunday night, but she wouldn't take my call. After I got off the phone, I called over to Mama's and spoke to Brenda. We argued about why she should do what I wanted when I wasn't willing to do what she wanted me to do.

Brenda was a consummate negotiator. In return for her spending the week over at Joyce's house, making Joyce happy, I agreed to allow her to fly down to Birmingham to be with me for the weekend.

Before I agreed to doing that, I insisted that her visit had to also include the children. After I got off the phone with Brenda, I felt some of that resentment I used to feel after letting Joyce have her way when we disagreed about something. Because I'd been the one who set this up, my resentment didn't seem as justified.

The week with Dr. Fellows was productive. I had a lot to talk about with her, and she seemed quite satisfied with the way I had acted, towards, Joyce, Mama and Brenda. Even the deal I'd made with Brenda didn't cause her to take me to task. She asked my why I made the call, wanting to know what I hoped to gain by having done so. After I told her what I hoped to gain, she asked me how I'd felt when I agreed to meet Brenda's price for her cooperation.

"I felt all right. I figured Joyce would feel better if she got part of what she had been hoping for. I felt sure that Brenda would ask me for something like that as the price for her cooperation. All three of us got part of what we wanted, and I still ended up not having to make a decision I'm not yet ready to make."

"How do you feel about what you learned about Joyce's reaction to you standing up to her?"

"I'm part angry and part relieved. I always knew she needed to get her way more than I used to need to. I'm relieved to see that is the main obstacle she and I need to overcome. I think we can learn how to compromise on things, once we both know that we're going to need to. I'm angry that she thinks she has the right to have absolute veto power over my decisions though. I don't know where she ever got the idea that she did."

"Years of personal observation, and constant success in having done so. This was one of the matters I wanted to discuss with her about some of the changes between how you are now, and how you used to be. Without making too much of this change, she still needs to realize that you are considerably more headstrong than you ever were before. It also is a trait that, in moderation, is healthy for you to now have. You don't want to overdo it. In this instance, I don't believe you have done so. I believe you have become better attuned to your own emotional needs. You are the best judge now of what you can and cannot tolerate. Both Joyce and your mother are going to have to realize this, and begin to adjust their demands accordingly."

At night, Dale and I indulged ourselves in each other. I didn't talk to Joyce at all during the week. Brenda called me on Thursday, to give me information on when to pick her and the children up at the Birmingham airport. While not going into any graphic detail, Brenda made it very clear that she was living up to both the spirit and the letter of our agreement. She also told me that she and Shirley had spent time in bed together. That surprised me a little, about Shirley, not about Brenda. I knew that Brenda was trying her hardest to impress me with her willingness to be cooperative.

We left the clinic early Friday afternoon. I felt like I'd made some good progress with areas in my life that had been troubling to me. I didn't have a clear plan for anything, but I was gaining confidence that one would soon begin emerging.

Dale was expressing satisfaction with the way our relationship was progressing. She seemed uncertain with what was expected of her when Brenda came to visit. I told her that I was leaving that completely up to her. She should feel free to opt in or out of things in any way that suited her. She did tell me that she was willing to sleep with either Brenda or Cindy if I planned or wanted to have the other one alone to myself that night. I remembered that Cindy and Dale had enjoyed each other's company in the past. I wasn't that sure about Brenda and Dale.

I drove out to the airport to pick up Brenda and the kids at nine on Saturday morning. Instead of taking them to the house from the airport, I took all of us out to the Birmingham Zoo. Brenda seemed disappointed in my choice, but Dwightee and April loved it. April especially loved being pulled around in a red cart powered by a goat. When Brenda complained that she had thought the two of us would spend some time together, I told her that I had plans for that evening. While we were standing around, looking at some of the exhibits, I took her hand in mine. This small demonstration of closeness on my part seemed to reassure her. She immediately stopped complaining, and started leaning into me at every opportunity. I couldn't have counted all the many times when her breasts "accidentally" brushed up against my arm or back.

As we walked around, letting the children enjoy all the exhibits, Brenda and I spoke about why I didn't feel like we could just jump right into being back together. Brenda kept assuring me that she didn't have any doubts or reservations about this being what she wanted. Part of her concern actually seemed to be about having Dwightee and April growing up without having me in their lives. That surprised me. We talked about Emily too. Some of what Brenda told me about Emily was surprising. Neither of us could understand or explain why Emily always seemed to resent how things were. Brenda thought Emily preferred being unhappy.

I began to get a different picture of Emily and how she seemed to others besides me. It was obvious that Brenda cared deeply for Emily, but had grown weary of always feeling like nothing she ever did was good enough to make Emily happy.

"She didn't act like that when we all lived together. It was only when it was just the two of us by ourselves. When there wasn't anyone else around to blame for things, she'd start to blame me. I hated that. We got along a lot better when we lived with you. When you were sick, we still got along okay as long as Joyce and Shirley were there for her to fight with. She always needs to have someone she's mad at."

I was strangely happy to learn it wasn't just me that couldn't keep Emily happy. For years I'd believed that there was something about me that made her turn on me every few days. We'd spent so much time together, over all those years. I'd had an idea that Emily had this problem with being happy, but thought it centered around us, and the relationship that had been more or less forced upon her. If she wasn't happy having Brenda all to herself, then I didn't know what might make her happy. Scratch another idea I'd had for settling this thing with Emily and Brenda.

When the four of us got to the house Saturday evening, it was around eight o'clock. Dale and Brenda saw to giving the children baths, and Cindy and I sat together in the living room discussing the zoo visit. I mentioned that Dale had told me that she would welcome a visit from Cindy since I was going to be in with Brenda for the night. Cindy just laughed.

"I talked to Daddy all week about what you told me. He says he'll quit rather than have to work for Larry. He told me that again today, when I went over there to see him. He can be pretty stubborn about certain things."

"How are you coming with your search for a building for us?"

"I've looked at some places. So far I haven't seen anything that would meet all your specifications."

"Maybe you're going to have to look for something a little further away. It doesn't necessarily need to be in Birmingham. Anywhere in this general area would do, as long as there is rail service and enough room to do everything I told you."

"What about Daddy?"

"Gene's a grown man. He knows what he can tolerate better than we do. Now I'll have to decide whether to find him something over at the plant, or if it would be easier to just bring someone in from one of the other plants to run things for the other program. I'm thinking of someone already, but he's too much of a cowboy. He likes to control everything, and prides himself on his quick decisions about things. I never liked that management style, but he's been effective for us where we've put him. Right now he's running a bakery for us in South Carolina."

"Gunther Kriegal? I met him. You can't seriously be thinking of him for down here?"

"Gunther's a good man. A little too blunt and full of himself, but that's his German upbringing. If I tell him to take it easy in the beginning, I'm sure he'll listen. Where did you meet him at?"

"He was in Bolling when I went up there to see your father about that trip I'd made to Texas after we opened the plant again. I saw him a few months later when Joyce called me up for a visit after we started talking about needing to make some personnel changes down here. You were in the clinic then, and Joyce wasn't happy with some of the cooperation she was getting down here. She wanted me to pass the word around that she was thinking about letting some people go if things didn't start improving soon. Gunther's the worst possible person to put in charge for this. He doesn't like women in business. He'd be a disaster down here for the women's sales teams."

I hadn't seriously been considering Gunther. He was too valuable to us where he was. I knew that he and Cindy had met and then had a run in over in Bolling. My Dad had mentioned it to me after I first got released from the clinic. We both thought it had been funny, because Gunther tended to really bray and bluster around good looking women. This usually scared most women away. For the few women who found that type of behavior attractive though, Gunther continued his antics. My real purpose in raising his name as one possible candidate for the promotion was to spur Cindy's efforts at trying to convince Gene to go along with my choice of Larry for the job.

That night, in bed with Brenda, I tried to keep myself as emotionally detached as I could manage. It wasn't easy for me. We had this long history together, and her beauty still had me enthralled. In the beginning, and at the end, before we both dropped off to sleep, I managed some level of emotional detachment. It was only during that lengthy middle period that I lost myself, once again, in whatever magic she had over my senses. I could feel every ounce of my being trying to please her, and saw myself once again hopelessly drawn to her. What prevented me from making this a permanent state of mind was my thinking about Emily, and the complications surrounding any relationship we might have together in the future.

I do have to admit that, this time, I really believed that Brenda had surrendered herself to what we were doing. She departed from her usual mannerisms, of always seeming slightly detached from the proceedings, of not quite being a really committed part of them. It was like that last thin veneer of reserve she usually retained had been swept away. She really threw herself into our lovemaking with nothing short of total abandon. It was only after we were finished that she seemed to regather herself. It was as if she were just then remembering how things ought to be. I had the distinct feeling that, when we had finished, her thoughts had immediately turned to Emily.