Chapter 4

Al was just pouring the coffee as I walked into the kitchen. He finished pouring and looked up.

"Wow! You look wonderful! I can't remember when you looked better than you do now. It has to have been years ago. You are still one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen."

"Please, sir. Flattery will get you everywhere. But I appreciate it since I have been working very hard to look this good."

Al and I talked for a good hour about nothing in particular and everything in general. We talked about Jennie and Angie and their new life and we talked about the reception and the people there that neither of us knew and we marveled at the difference in the old Jennie and the new one. We knew that we had given her a solid foundation and we hoped that it had served her well when it was time to change. She made the transition successfully and we knew we had played our part. It was a good feeling.

Since we were relaxed and talking and the feeling was calm and loving, I decided to take my chance.

"Where do we go from here, Al? I told you how I felt years ago when I wrote you that letter trying to explain my actions. I don't know if you ever read it since you never responded but everything I said in that letter is still true. I never stopped loving you and I never wanted any other man but you. That night with Woody I kept thinking of you and how you loved what I did for you and how you responded. I kept missing the things you did and I knew that what I was doing was not right, but I still thought of you all the time. Afterwards, I knew it was wrong because he wasn't you. It just wasn't the same. I even remember thinking that only you could understand what I mean."

"Since you left, there has been no one else and I have never even dated. I told Woody the same night I told you about him that there would never be anything between he and I and that it was my fault that I allowed it to happen. He was devastated that he had hurt you by his actions. I told him it was my fault but he wouldn't accept that. He was so decent that he was hurting for you and I as much as we were."

I stopped to watch his face. I couldn't tell his reactions and he wasn't saying anything, so I continued.

"I quit my job at the bank for obvious reasons when you left and I found another job where I work now. That's where I met Mary and she and I became best friends. She was divorced as was I and we finally decided to move in together. I kept having nightmares in our old house so when she offered, I accepted. I wanted new memories, not the old sad ones."

"I wrote you that letter and I contacted Henry Green shortly after you left me. I don't know whether he told you, but I threatened him with a lawsuit. I also hired Clive Owens and asked him to find both you and Jennifer. I had a lot of information and he tried real hard for a while but you were gone to ground as he put it. He put out a net that would stay in place waiting for you to resurface. But in the meantime he found Jennie and you know the rest of that story. I didn't tell you but all of the alimony that you were paying me went into a trust fund for Angie. I also put the proceeds from the sale of our old house into that trust. I thought you would approve."

"So, I need to know where we go from here. I still love you and I want you to come home to me. I am so very sorry for hurting you as I did and I hope you can forgive me. I don't know what else to say except that I have lived every day since you left as someone I hope you could be proud of and learn to trust."

There. I had finally said what I had wanted to say from the day he left me. I told him all of it and I laid my soul out in front of him. I gave him my hopes and I put my future in his hands. I watched his face and waited for him to say something.

"Angie, you know I never stopped loving you and I'm glad that you still love me. But things are different now than they were. I don't quite know how to explain except to just say it."

"First, I have a daughter named Consuela. She is just 7 years old and she is back in Brazil. I have been living there under the name of Angelina, Alberto Angelina. Ironic isn't it that I took your name as my new last name? I married her mother, Bettina, a year after I left you. I didn't love her but she was good to me and she needed a husband to care for her and her daughter so we came to an understanding. I married her and adopted Consuela. She is now truly my daughter."

I was shocked and saddened. I had lost him without even being aware of it. I looked away as tears began to form. I couldn't speak and he finally continued.

"Bettina and I lived together in Sao Paula, a city in the coastal region of Brazil and I worked as a mechanical engineer, a gringo engineer they called me. I could barely understand Portuguese but my Spanish was always pretty good so I had little trouble fitting in. It was a good life for a while until Bettina fell ill. She caught a fever that was fairly common there but she had little resistance to it and she quickly became sick and finally died. That was less than a year ago and one of the reasons I came back to the states. I wanted to talk with the Federal prosecutors again to allow me to come back home permanently, and I wanted to bring Consuela here to the states."

I had become calmer when he told me that Bettina had died. I admit I was glad that she died: sad but true. I couldn't help myself for feeling a little thrill of happiness when I heard that he was no longer married to someone else. What did that make me? I didn't know and I really didn't care.

"The Feds finally OK'd the deal and I moved back here first to begin the process of bringing her back. It is difficult since she is a citizen of Brazil, but my daughter legally. I never gave up my US citizenship."

He looked at me for a second before he finally sighed and continued.

"You probably don't care much about this since you don't know Connie and she is nothing to you but she is important to me. I want to give her the same life that we had."

"You're wrong! I do care! I am glad that you want to make a new home for her here in the states. I agree with you. I can't say that I am sorry that your wife there died. I would be lying if I said that. I'm glad in a way that she's dead. I know that makes me a terrible person but I don't care. I'm glad you don't have another wife."

Al just looked at me and dammed if he didn't smile! He actually looked up at the ceiling and let out a little laugh. It made me smile as well. I was really a terrible person.

"I understand exactly what you mean. And I told you; our marriage was one of convenience. We liked each other but we didn't love each other. I was sad when she died but more for Connie's sake than anything."

"There is one other thing you need to know before we go any further. I convinced the Feds to release some funds to make sure that I could honor the agreements I made to you when I left. Mr. Green only knew about the funds that I told him about. There was more that he didn't know about and I never touched them until now. I wanted to clear that with the Feds as well so that I could come home and make a good home for Connie. I hope you understand that I didn't tell you about the money for your own protection."

"I never cared about your money. That was your failing, not mine. I was happy with what we had, always. I loved our little house as much as the bigger one so long as you were there. Don't you know that?"

"I finally realized it after I had time to think about everything. I did read your letter and I understood how you felt and I realized then that I had thrown everything I cared about away. Because of the trouble I was in, I believed it was too late to come back and that it would be better if you had moved on. When I got your letter, it truly was too late for me."

Al sat there with a sad look on his face. I couldn't determine what he was thinking but I was pleased with the way the conversation had gone up to this point. He was free, he wanted to move back to the US, his daughter wasn't a problem for me and he had some money of his own so he wouldn't feel beholding to me. I just wasn't sure what he was thinking.

"Al, look at me. Why don't you continue to work to bring Connie back home to the states? In the meantime, you could move in here with me since I have all of this room. I think that would be good to help convince immigration and the state department that you have everything it takes to make a good home for her. Don't you agree?"

He seemed to be considering what I had said but then he paused.

"I don't know that moving in here would be a good idea. We aren't married any longer and I don't know how it would look. And, I don't want to give the wrong impression to anyone, including you."

I didn't like what he had just said. I wasn't sure what he meant by that statement so I decided to ask.

"What do you mean by that? What wrong impression? I love you and you love me. What more is there?"

"We parted under circumstances that were not happy. I think you may have forgotten that. I don't know how I feel about that just yet. I would have to think about things first."

"Think about what things? You know that I was wrong and I admitted it. I apologized and I promised that it would never happen again. I also know that you know that I never stopped loving you. It was never about that. You know that!"

"I believe you but I have to think about some things. For instance, I would have to see Woody all the time knowing what you and he did together. I don't know how I feel about that just yet."

That hurt. I had never thought about that, not once. As far as I was concerned, Woody was Jennie's husband and only that. I never once thought about that night again after Al left. I told him that. I begged him to believe me.

"I do believe you but that doesn't change what you did and what I think about when I see him. You have had time, but I haven't. And I still have to be convinced that he doesn't have an agenda. He was in love with you and love just doesn't go away. He says he loves Jennie but how much of that is just a way of being around you?"

"Al, you can't believe that. Woody is not that kind of person. I know he loves Jennie and Angie and he never once tried anything with me once I told him we were through. He wouldn't do that. I believe that with every fiber of my being."

"So I am just supposed to forget that you spent the night with another man in his bed while we were married?"

"It was a mistake! I swear to you that it meant nothing and that all I wanted to do was to make you happy, but you weren't there for me! I have had to live with that for the last five years and I had regretted it every day of that time. I never spoke to Woody again and he and I never talked to each other after that. Not until I asked him to help Jennie. You told me you understood. You said that you understood why I did it."

"I did understand and I did take the blame for forcing you to do it, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. It hurt like hell and it still does, every time I see him. Yet, isn't it strange that he was so happy to help you after you shut him out for all that time? Isn't it strange that the first person you thought of to help you was him?"

"I was thinking only of Jennie and the best way to find her a good job so that she could care for herself and Angie. I knew that he could help her and I knew that he felt he owed me something. I admit only to that. Only that I could take advantage of him and, for my child, I would deal with the devil."

"That could well be true. I do believe that you have no feelings for Woody any more but I don't believe that is true of him and because of that, I don't trust him completely. You will just have to accept that."

"What did he say to you before the wedding that allowed you to go through with it? Can you tell me?"

"He didn't actually tell me anything. He just said that he loved our daughter and that he was going to make a good life for her and Angie. He said that he understood my distrust of him but that all he could do was to show me by his actions. I accepted him at his word but I will never trust him."

"So I ruined our marriage and I ruined any chance that you and our daughter's husband can ever be friends. How am I supposed to live with that?"

"The same way I learned to live with the thought of you and our daughter's husband in bed together."

I was devastated. I had such high hopes for us before this but I had no idea of the depth of the hurt I had caused my husband with my actions so long ago. I had accepted my responsibility and I knew the damage I had done, but I never considered the depth of the betrayal before this. How had I not seen this coming?

"I think that I had better leave. We both have some thinking to do. I'll call you in a day or so. Good night."

With that, Al left me and I was completely alone for the first time in almost four years. Since Mary entered my life and later, Jennie and Angie, I always had a home full of love and hope, almost everything I had ever wanted. Only my husband was missing and I had never forgotten him. I waited, confident that he would eventually come home. I had built a life on that dream. Now, that dream was in danger of becoming a nightmare.

I thought continuously about Al and the things he said to me. I couldn't stop thinking that he was wrong, but I also knew that he had the right to feel the way he did about my actions. He was also within his rights to think about Woody what he did. I didn't believe it but Al did and that is what counted. I would have to come up with something to change has mind.

I heard from Jennie and Angie the next day from Florida. They were happy and having a good time. Jennie seemed very happy and I could tell from her voice that Angie was beside herself. I talked with them for a while and finally hung up, felling good about their new life. I had begun to think of something that I hoped would help the situation with Al but I wasn't ready yet to bring it up. I would see how things went first.

Al called that same afternoon after I had talked with Jennie. He asked if I had heard from them and I filled him in. He was especially interested in Angie's reaction and he seemed pleased with her description of Disney World. We made plans for dinner that evening and I wanted only to have time with Al. I vowed that we would keep the conversation light and I would not bring up our future again until I was ready.

I dressed in my best skirt and blouse combination; one that I knew would draw some praise. It was rather tight and short but still appropriate for a woman of my age. I wore my heels and I knew my legs were still one of my best features. I completed my outfit with a single strand of pearls with pearl earrings. My hair was down, since I knew Al always preferred it that way. I was as ready as I would ever be.

He picked me up with appropriate comments and we went to dinner at a nice restaurant where my outfit was right in style. He had dressed in a casual suit and tie. He looked lean and fit and the time he spent in Brazil was apparently well spent. The dinner went fine and we talked again just as before about everything and nothing. We talked a little about the newlyweds and their plans and where they were going to live. We skipped over the hard parts by mutual agreement. The evening went very nicely.