A Policeman's Life Is A Happy Life
Chapter 1

Copyright┬ę 2006 by Alistair Acorn

Erotica Sex Story: Chapter 1 - Trace the path of a young policeman through his early career and the women who helped him achieve his goal.

Caution: This Erotica Sex Story contains strong sexual content, including Ma/Fa   Consensual   Romantic   Incest   Mother   Grand Parent   Size  


"Hi mum! I was passing through and thought I'd call in," I said standing beside her at the sink where she seemed to spend her whole life. She was dressed in the same dull cross over apron she always wore; I never saw the dress she wore under it, only the bit that hung below the apron.

"You can't stay, your uncle Peter uses your room now," she said without even looking at me.

To her I just didn't exist, it has been this way as long as I can remember. When I told her I was joining the Police all I got was "That is nice Sam." That time also she was standing where she was this minute. I might as well have said I'm going to the moon; I would have received the same answer.

My father was even worse, three nights a week he went to his darts team; an excuse for a piss-up was more like it. The other nights he was off fishing with my uncle Peter another drunken bum. I wonder my father had the time to impregnate my mother so I could be born. Then after I was, I was ignored. Given the basics and then left to my own resources.

"I was looking for a bed for the night," I asked.

"None here, go see your Gran she has plenty of rooms in that big house of hers," again without even turning round.

I left as I had arrived through the front door which was always open; no-one locked their doors where they lived.

When I arrived at my grandmother's home I walked in through the back, for I doubt the front door has ever been opened in over a hundred years. This used to be a coach-house built in the late 1700's. The area which was Gran's lounge was huge, with a fireplace and a spit where they used to roast pigs on. Now it was only used to heat the area in the winter.

Gran was lying asleep on her settee; I walked over and plonked myself down, sitting by her hips with my hand resting on the inside alongside her hips. She felt my presence and opened her eyes and saw me sitting there.

"Well this is a surprise, what are you doing here Sam?" She genuinely was happy to see me. "Come give your Gran a kiss," she added as if I were still a young lad and not a man of twenty-eight.

I leant forward to kiss her on the cheek, but I kissed her full on her lips, it wasn't just a peck but a lingering kiss. I forget who I was kissing for I had been going out with women as old as Gran and I didn't mind kissing elderly women. In fact I much preferred their company to women of my own age.

After I drew back she was looking at me funnily. "I'm not the first elderly woman you have kissed am I?"

"No Gran you're not," I replied. There was no use denying the fact, so I admitted it.

"I bet your giving her more than a kiss too Sam?" She said with a smile. "Does she appreciate what you are giving her, for most young men shun older women?"

"They certainly do Gran; they always go away with a happy smile."

"You said they, does that mean more than one?"

"Yes it does, I don't do without if that is what you want to know." I added. I could talk to me grandmother, I always used to tell her all I did at school and on my holidays. I couldn't talk to my mother, well I could talk, but she never listened, Gran did and I was always truthful to her.

"You are looking after the elderly women where you live, but you don't look after the older ones at home," she said looking at me. I knew exactly what she meant and I never thought I would hear it said by my own grandmother. I tried to act the great innocent.

"Who do you mean Gran?"

"Me for instance, don't you think I wouldn't like a young man like you to pay me attention? Of course I would, I would jump at the chance and welcome him into my bed with open arms," she said looking up at me with a smile.

"But you're my Gran I can't fuck you."

"That is exactly what I would like, but I've never heard anyone say it like that before. Now what about making this old lady happy again?"

My hand left the side of her leg and slowly rose up the inside of her thigh. Her legs opened and I had full access to the smooth skin just at the top of her thighs, then I was barred by her knickers. The panties were no barrier really I just pushed the legs aside and ran my finger up her damp slit.

"That is just what I wanted. Now will you stay and as you say fuck me, now you have felt my pussy?"

"You bloody well know I will, but I'm not calling you Gran any more."

"I hope you don't, now we have gone this far, Alice then, you call me Alice and I meant what I said, you can share my bed while you stay here. Now go and lock the back door, I don't want anyone walking in on us."

I did as she bid and when I returned she had removed her panties and had her dress pulled up showing me her dark-haired pussy. God I wasn't going to turn down this, it was being offered me on a plate and I needed a good fuck anyway.

I took off my trousers and folded them and placed them and my underpants on a nearby chair and turned to face her.

"Oh my God Sam you are really built big!" She said seeing my cock for the first time all ten inches of it. It was also three inches across for I and some of my lady friends had measured it many times. It may look huge, but I can assure you it was taken as easily as a normal sized cock by the women I associate with.

I came up between her open and ready legs and I looked again at what I called a perfect pussy. Lovely puffy outer labia with no frilly bits hanging out, it isn't a turn off, but it is better to see a perfect pussy in front of you. I parted those puffy lips by using two fingers and guided the head to her entrance and slid in so gently until I could go no further. Then I stopped letting her adjust to my invasion, she gave a little wiggle of her hips no doubt to adjust to my cock inside her.

"Oh my, that feels wonderful. Yes, I can see you have had a bit of experience with older women, but don't let me stop you, go on make Alice a woman again."

When our bodies touched at the crotch I was totally coupled with my own grandmother. She was just another cunt as far as I was concerned now, I got her legs high as possible and just thrust into her hitting the cervix ring every time. I have never seen so happy a face on my Gran as I did now, as I violated her eager body, plunging in her well lubricated cunt. She was thrusting with me and rolling her hips as we both got lost in the euphoria of the act.

Alice was the same as all the others elderly women that I knew, she loved being fucked. That was so obvious and I was glad that it was me who was pleasuring her and not someone else. Then I splattered my seed inside her and let her legs drop. She wrapped them around my body keeping me trapped inside her.

"Well Sam, you know how to make a woman happy, you and I will carry on this after supper. Maybe we should have an early night, for even though you are still inside me I can't wait for more of that magnificent cock. How did it get so big, I can't remember you being big built when you were a little boy and I bathed you?"

"Alice you will wear me out if you want it all the time. As for my cock, it just suddenly got bigger as I matured, I have no idea why."

"Rubbish, as to wear you out, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve to keep you interested, you wait and see. Now help me up, lover."

When I did she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. "Now I love you more than a grandson, but as my lover as well, I now rely on you to look after me. Would you mind if I came to visit you sometime, or would that upset your other lady friends?"

"You have always been welcome Gran, sorry Alice,"

"Yes but everything is different now isn't it?"

Now I had added another to my list of happy elderly ladies and this time it was my own grandmother. She isn't any different from the others who are all fine upstanding ladies not slags, but decent elderly ladies. All they need is a bit of loving and I'm giving them that.

I went upstairs, had a shower and felt a bit tired, as before I called in I had been really busy. I lay down on the bed and stretched out with just a towel around my waist. I lay there thinking, I once said I didn't condemn incest, but that was for others not me. That was shattered though with me fucking my grandmother. Who was I hurting, no-one, in fact I was helping my grandmother, making her feel like a woman again, so to hell with what people thought. We both enjoyed it and if we kept it to ourselves, then what business is it for anyone else. All these thoughts went through my mind before I dropped off.

"Come on, sleepy bones get up it's time for dinner and your mother is here to see you," Alice my grandmother said as she shook my shoulder. She then turned and walked out of the room, just like the grandmother of old, no hint of what happened early this afternoon.

I dressed and went downstairs and into Gran's lounge where my mother and Gran were sitting. There was a huge smile on my mother's face, something I hadn't seen since I was small, she was even dressed nicely and not in the wrap over apron she usually wore. She even had make up on, which made me realise that my mother was a nice-looking woman, not a grumpy plain looking Jane I always envisaged.

"Your Gran says she is delighted you wanted to stay here with her," my mother said as I sat down. I didn't even try to kiss her on the cheek, for usually she just turned her head away, so I have given up even trying to give her a peck, like I always done with Alice.

"Yes, I am glad I can make at least one member of the family happy," I said trying to have a dig at her.

"She said she is very happy that you came, the happiest she has been in a long-time."

"Sam and I have an understanding now, don't we Sam," Alice said winking at me.

It appeared that this was where my mother came on some of my father's darts nights so really this wasn't something new, which had occurred. It just happened that I had come home that particular night. I got filled in with all the local news, we had a meal and when my mother was leaving we went outside and waved her goodbye about ten-thirty. I was really looking forward to getting between Alices legs once more and couldn't see my mother off soon enough.

"You get up to my bedroom, I know you are chafing at the bit, but I have some things to do before I come up. Get into bed I won't be long Sam," she said giving me a light kiss.

My grandmother had a huge four-poster bed that must have been made in the 1700's when the whole family used to share the one bed. I always remembered this bed, with its velvet curtains, which were now only for ornament. Gran no longer had blankets, but now sported a modern quilt, which must have been especially made for this large bed. All the same, the mattress was still goose feather and one sank into it like you were riding a cloud. This room was like many others I had been in, thick curtains blocking out any light from the two windows and seem to be the standard for old houses. I quickly undressed after cleaning my teeth and settled down for Alice to come.

I heard her coming up the stairs, then go into the bathroom. Then a short time later she was standing in the doorway, dressed in a bathrobe open at the front, exposing a six-inch gap of her body. I couldn't see her breasts but I viewed the dark patch of her pubic love triangle. Immediately I was hard raring to go. She reached up and switched off the light, plunging the room into total darkness, even the hall light was off and there was no back lighting.

It was hard to hear her footfalls on the thickly carpeted floor, but then I felt her at the side of the bed. I reached over and found her hand and drew her on to the bed, hugging her naked body against mine. Immediately her arms went around me, crushing her breasts against my naked chest. I was surprised how firm they felt and I slipped down and buried my head between them, then taking a nipple in my mouth ran my tongue round the nipple feeling it stand straight out. Taking the proud nipple in my mouth I rolled it between my teeth so lightly, for I didn't want to hurt her. The other I caressed with my hand just rubbing my thumb across the nipple titillating it so lightly. This made her moan and clasp my head even closer.

I felt her coarse pubic hairs brush my body and I slipped even lower, she kept her hand on my head until she no longer could reach it. By this time I was between her legs, which she had willingly opened wide, giving me full access to her being. Oh I loved the smell of an aroused woman, and the scent was overwhelming as I first kissed the soft baby flesh at the top of her inner thighs. I plunged my face into that lovely, wonderful pussy of hers, penetrating between the outer lips and drawing my scooped tongue all the way up her crack. Back down again and fucking her with my pointed tongue. By this stage she was very mobile, her hips thrashing and thrusting into my face.

She was ready now, I slipped up on to my knees and inserted my cock into this wonderful cunt once more and pushed, this time she felt a lot tighter than this afternoon. As I penetrated she let out a long moan, but I was soon totally encased and it felt so wonderful again having her vagina holding me so tight. I started a slow withdrawal and plunging in as far as I could reach. Her legs were spread and knees raised, but slowly she raised her knees higher bringing her cunt higher also. Then the heels were on my thighs and her hips were rolling, thrusting, and encouraging me to plunge deeper and deeper. Now they were above my hips and wrapped around my waist as high as they would go. Our bodies crotches was as close as we would ever get them, showing that I was also as deeply embedded as I would ever be.

This was far better than the afternoon, she was so much more receptive now as we both pounded our bodies to a climax. She let out a yell and sat up and pulled me down on top of her with her arms wrapped around my chest and her lips pressed tightly on mine.

I couldn't help but let my full weight lie on top of her, but she just held me in this embrace and crushing her mouth on to mine. Suddenly the lights came on and I opened my eyes and found that it wasn't Alice that was under me, but my mother. I pulled my mouth away and looked down at her smiling face, by this time Alice was standing at the side of the bed.

"Well Sam, what do you think of your mother now? Don't say you didn't enjoy that, for I heard you and her and you have made her very happy too. So don't look so glum."

"Mum, how could you deceive me so," I said looking down on her happy face.

"Would you have willingly taken me to bed? I honestly needed some loving just like Alice here, do you think we are just logs of wood, we have feelings too that need to be relieved. Please don't feel bad about this, for I love you very much and Alice and I will never tell a soul that is for sure. Your father isn't interested in sex any more; to him I'm just the housekeeper."

While we were talking I was still deep inside her and surprisingly still hard. Alice had stripped and was now lying alongside us. This was the first time in my life that I have lain beside two naked women and I was beginning to like it. Now I had really reached bottom and committed the worst social crime of all, fucking my own mother. It is funny I didn't feel so bad as when I screwed my grandmother, I have accepted it and I was even thinking how nice it was fucking them both.

"I am glad you did it this way, for I would never have even thought about it, but now it has happened, I want to fuck you again and again, both of you. If I can see you smile mum I will do anything for you."

"Start calling me Gale for a start, and I would like us to continue with the relationship and I'm sure Alice feels the same way, from what she told me earlier. It is a pity you live so faraway, but it isn't so far we can't come down to see you from time to time. Who is going to say anything about a mother and grandmother visiting her son," she said with her arms around my neck and looking straight at me. She kissed the tip of my nose and then crushed her lips on to mine for a few seconds and took them away and put her head alongside mine.

"Hold me Sam, just hold me tight," she said in my ear.

I did and I was once again rock-hard and still rove up her.

She then dropped her legs and moved back so I came out of that lovely cunt of hers. She moved to the side and Alice slipped under and took my sticky cock in her small hand and inserted it into her warm moist cunt.

"Now Sam let's continue where we left off this afternoon," she said wrapping her legs around me and her heels on my buttocks. It was as if it was the most natural thing in the world to do.

The likenesses were so great it was as tough to judge for I felt I was still fucking my mother and I was eager to pound my meat into any of them. But this was Alice and I gave her my full attention as I could see she was now riding on her cloud. She had a smile on her face and that faraway look in her eyes, but that didn't stop her really working her body so that she also could reach her climax. Two different women in the space of twenty minutes was something I never dreamt about and I doubted in the past that I would ever be able to. Alice had said she had a few tricks up her sleave and it surely worked.

After we had both got what we wanted the three of us lay back on Alice's lovely soft bed. I had a head on each shoulder of two wonderful women and two bodies up close either side of me. We fell asleep exhausted.

God my father didn't know what he was missing, for I woke up with a hard on and just rolled over and slipped once more into my mothers eager and willing body. She really was making up for lost time now and now any restraints had been expelled, she gave herself wholly to me, to do as I wanted as long as she got satisfaction. I watched as her lovely breasts bounced around as we thrashed our bodies together and loved to feel her cunt gripping my penis so positively and so gently at the same time. This I knew was the start of a long lifetime affair, and was something special between us. Now I knew my mother wasn't the disinterested woman I thought she was. Now she was my lover, who had given me her greatest gift, herself. This was something I would treasure for ever.

I didn't go back that day or for two more. Gale had rang my father and told him Alice wasn't well and she would stay over for a few days. So for the next few days I fucked myself silly between the pair of them. All that time the house was filled with laughter and smiling faces. I had really found my heaven and was happy that I had made two forgotten ladies feel alive again. We arranged for them both to visit me once a month from now on, so now I had added another to my list of willing women albeit my own mother.

My mother is arriving down tomorrow to visit me for the first time since I had shafted her two weeks ago. I had a phone call telling me this and I lay on my bed reflecting on how all this came about. How much I didn't know about my own mother, how much a change occurred that evening when my grandmother deceived me into me believing it was her who was coming to bed. This story started many years ago and still is being played out today.

My aims and ambitions now are not the ones I had when I first joined the Police. Since a small lad my ambition was to be a country police officer. That ambition was fulfilled, but I never realised that in that position you were constantly watched and you daren't step out of line.

As for dating there were that few women of my age that it was like looking for a needle in a haystack to find a partner. Also I wasn't getting the exposure to the different levels of policing that could further my career. That was why there were so many old constables in the country area.

I had served for two years before I realised I was in the wrong location, but it is difficult to get a move. That all changed when the Station Inspector asked me if I would transport his mother to the city to visit a specialist. I was on a two day break and I had nothing to do, so I accepted.

His mother Agnes was in her late sixties and was agile enough, but she had almost lost the sight in one eye because of cataracts; it was to the ophthalmic specialist I was taking her. Agnes lived alone in a small cottage two miles out of the village. So on the day of the appointment I drove out, picked her up and drove the twenty miles to the city. Little was said on the journey in. After the appointment I drove her back, but other than asking my name and whether I liked the Police, there was little conversation.

"Please come in and I will make you a coffee Sam," she said in her sweet old ladies voice,

"Thank you Alice I really appreciate that," I replied.

"I have also a lovely cream sponge I made this morning, would you like some?" She added. I had already tasted her cooking and knew she made a lovely sponge cake, for the Inspector often brought one in for our tea-breaks. Also at the fairs, she was usually among the prizewinners.

After placing the coffee before me at the table, she brought out a large slice of the sponge with about an inch thickness of cream in the middle and a layer on the top. As she bent over to place it on the table she missed and the slice landed square on my lap spreading the cream over a large area.

"Oh I'm so sorry Sam, it's just I can't judge distances with this bad eye. Quick take your trousers off and I'll sponge them down before they get stained."

I stood up and just dropped my trousers and took them off. I noticed her eyes riveted to my crotch at the huge bulge in my underpants. It is difficult to hide a ten inch penis even when it is soft and unfortunately it wasn't entirely soft, but I had a lazy lob so the bulge was quite big. I handed her my trousers, she took them, but still her eyes was looking at me bulge. Her looking made me get even harder so I quickly sat down.

She seemed to shake her head, turned and went into the back room and about ten minutes later returned with my trousers cleaned and pressed. Then after I put my trousers back on she sat down again after returning with a new piece of sponge cake.

She sat there for a while just looking at me, giving me a good-looking over. "I know it is rude of me to say this, but you are a big man, aren't you?"

I know what she meant, but no woman especially an old woman has ever said that so direct. "Yes, I suppose so. I used to get a lot of ribbing at the academy but I think they were jealous," I said for I could think of nothing else to say.

"I suppose you don't get to use it in this community, some women are missing out, if they only knew," she said with a faraway look in her eye.

"No I have been looking for a girlfriend since I got here and I'm still without one."

"Maybe you are looking in the wrong place."

"In this area I have looked in all the places there is, there's just no woman my age around."

"Who said in your own age group, I am sure there are many women living alone who would welcome a man like you."

"That is what is wrong with my job here, I can't do anything without someone seeing me and passing the word around. That is why I'm trying to get away from here and into the city where I can meet women and get promotion. Your son doesn't want to help, he wants me to stay here," I told her, but I shouldn't have said the last piece, I knew after I said it.

"Have you ever made love to a mature woman? Now be truthful Sam, I won't bite you," she asked.

I was a bit taken back with that question for I had never even considered what she had asked. All I looked for were women of my own age group.

"No never, never even thought about it."

"Do you think they feel the same way about sex as the younger women?"

I felt confident to answer this question so I answered straight away. "I doubt it they are still interested."

"Oh you are like so many other men. You have no idea how a woman feels. They think that because they lose their sex drive after fifty that women are the same. In fact it is the opposite; after we have stopped menstruating we are more frustrated than an eighteen year old male. You know what they are 'Walking erections' it's because of the hormone rush that dreaded testosterone. Well we women have that same rush when our oestrogen level drops. We also are the largest group of single females in the country, all wanting a bit of that lovely cock of yours."

I didn't know what to say, I had never thought about it and she was so open and unashamed telling me all this that I realised she was actually asking if I would fuck her. God, she is the Inspector's mother for Christ sake. He would have a blue fit if I stuck one up her. But I was eager to hear what she would say it I asked.

"Do you feel that way Alice?"

"I am sitting here getting wetter and wetter just thinking about that lump in your trousers. Help me and I will help you get a posting into the city, I know quite a few of the senior police officers and I can put a good word in, but only if you help me."

"Well that is plain enough Alice. I would appreciate your help."

"Well we can start right now, come on let's go into my room," she said standing up with a wide smile on her face.

I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. Alice was ages with my own grandmother and it would be like fucking her, but if she could get me out of here into the city I could endure the deed.

It was at this point that my whole life and outlook changed, for if I hadn't walked into her bedroom I think I would still have been stuck in the country.

"This I want in the nude, I have locked the doors so none will disturb us, so get undressed Sam," she said smiling at me.

I had only a few clothes on and I quickly folded them and placed them on a chair and watched as she undressed. My cock was like a rod of iron sticking up at a thirty degree angle to my body. My circumcised plumb sized cock's head was purple and throbbing as I watched her undress and reveal her naked body. I was surprised, I was expecting a wrinkled, loose breasted image. What I saw was a pleasantly rounded wide hipped large breasted woman in front of me, and I found desirable indeed.

"Well what do you think, by the looks of that cock you are well-pleased," she said leading me to the bed.

"Very well-pleased Alice."

"No need for all the preliminaries, I am as ready as I ever will be, let's see if you can use that thing, or is it all for show."

She just lay back on the bedspread her legs and placed her feet flat on the bed, opening her womanhood. I was a bit cautious at first thinking she would be frail.

"For God's sake Sam I won't break, treat me as you would any other woman and get that cock into me," she snapped.

I just guided the crown to her lips and it seemed huge outside her small opening. When I pushed, it slipped in as sweet as pie and as I slipped in it felt far better than some of the younger women I had fucked in the past. It was then that I realised that this was the age group I would be chasing in future; they made no bones about what they wanted and took my cock without any trouble.

Alice thrust her hips into mine and we came together in a thump, with her legs wrapped around my thighs. I was going to start my thrusting when she pushed hard with her heels, stopping me.

"Learn to wait a bit Sam once you are fully penetrated, women like to feel the cock that is inside them and let them adjust themselves. I see I will have to teach you how we women like to be fucked."

That was the first time any woman has told me that so I just let her do as she said. A little wriggle of the hips a few times then I felt her start moving her hips back and forth, so I kept pace with her and as the pace increased so did my climax start rising. She must have anticipated this and slowed down again almost coming to rest but using her vaginal muscles to massage me.

Then the pace increased again, and receded, she was prolonging my climax and I'm sure having ones of her own. I appreciated the way she controlled my body and getting the maximum feelings for herself. This couldn't last for ever and in a few minutes I spurted my load into her. I almost withdrew, since I wasn't wearing a condom, but she again held me in.

"Don't worry Sam, just let it go, I won't get pregnant, that is another thing you don't need to worry about with an older woman. I can't stand those rubber things anyway; I want to have all your lovely spunk inside me."

After that we just lay there I had now come forward and was resting on my elbows with her smiling face directly below me. I lowered my head and kissed her on the lips. There was no difference from a younger woman so I pressed harder, our lips parted and then she put her arms around my neck and crushed her mouth to mine.

If this was what I could expect from these women I was a mug chasing younger ones. I felt good rove up this lovely woman.

When we eventually broke apart she was smiling even broader. "Sam I can't thank you enough. I feel so contented now you have so to speak released my safety valve. I will remember this day till I die; also I have never felt so lovely a cock. Go and make other women as happy as I am. I think I know a district that would suit you to the ground if I can talk my friends into letting you transfer."

I never fucked Alice again; I just never had the opportunity to continue our relationship. But she did manage to get me transferred to the city and to the station that serviced the high-priced housing district, where only certain specially selected police officers were ever posted to.

A month later I joined my new station, but now with a different outlook entirely. I was now committed to looking after elderly women and what better job than a police officer to meet these women who were well-heeled and lonely.

I have met more people in a day here than I did in a week in my old country area. I was walking the beat getting to know all the nooks and crannies; also I had applied to sit my Sergeants exam on the advice of the Chief Inspector. Alice had kept her word and got me into this well to-do suburb where most of the houses were well beyond my future earnings. There were however mixed in with those large dwellings small three and four bedroom houses, usually much older than the others. These were the original houses usually occupied by the elderly retired professional people.

I had seen many single elderly women on my rounds, working in their gardens or even chatting with their friends. They waved or some even said 'Good Day' but that was as far as it got. I knew they were watching me and no doubt had even got hold of my whole life story.

But the lady I did meet and introduced myself to wasn't during the course of my duty but during my off time.

I had decided to go for a walk once round the block from the small unit I was renting close to the Police station. In my job we do much walking and I was good at judging how long it would take between points, so off I went for an hours walk.

I walked along the pavement admiring other people's gardens and generally just strolling along. In front of me was a gang of young lads skylarking about and jostling one another, as you will find in any suburb. Along the street came a middle-aged woman pushing a shopping basket on wheels. The young lads quickly surrounded her and started pulling and pushing, then one grabbed her handbag and came running towards me. I moved as though I was stepping aside to let him through, then at the last minute stuck my foot out and he landed smack on his face on the pavement.

I pulled out my warrant card and stuck it in his face. "You're nicked sonny, I saw the whole thing." I took him by the collar, regained the handbag from his hand and marched him back towards the woman.

"Run, he's a pig," shouted my young captive. The others just disappeared as I walked towards them.

I handed the elderly woman her handbag and asked," Do you want to press charges; I don't need to ask you, for I saw him steal your bag."

"I'll leave it to you, what do you think?" She replied.

The lad wasn't so tough now, he was on his own and tears were flowing down his cheeks. He looked about fourteen and this would put a blotch on his record it I took him in. "What's your name?" I asked.

"His name is Stephen Tonks he lives two doors down from me," The elderly woman said.

"Well Stephen, what you done was wrong, I want you to go and see this lady on Saturday and weed her garden. It's either that or I'll take you down to the station and book you, now what is it going to be?"

"I'll weed Mrs Hamilton's garden," he replied.

"OK off you go and don't be so stupid in future."

"Come on Mrs Hamilton I'll see you safely home."

"Thank you, do you think he will actually come on Saturday?" She asked.

"I doubt it, but I'll call round just to see," I replied.

When we got to her gate we stopped. Her house looked neat and tidy and then I knew who she looked like, in manner, dress and the neatness of her house, 'Hyacinth Bucket' from the TV series 'Keeping up Appearances'. When we eventually got to her front door and she opened it, the house inside was sparking with everything so neat and tidy.

"Would you like to come in and have a coffee?" She asked.

"Thank you but no, I have an appointment, maybe another time."

"Tomorrow evening perhaps?" She pressed.

"Yes why not, what time?"

"About this time would be fine," she replied with a smile on her face.

"Sure your husband won't mind having a male visitor?"

"He would have a job, he's been dead for the past seven years," she said laughing.

"Good night Mrs Hamilton I'll see you tomorrow evening then," I said walking away.

I was looking forward to seeing Mrs Hamilton and to see if she really was like Hyacinth Bucket, for I have never come across anyone like her yet.

It was only six o'clock, but I said to myself what the hell let's call in on her early; if she's not in it is only a short walk back to my unit. I used the well polished door knocker and a loud voice from inside called, "Coming!" Again almost similar to Hyacinth.

The door opened and when she saw me standing there she became all smiles, "Lovely, you came early, come right in, but please take your shoes off, I don't like outdoor shoes inside," she said. Now I knew she was the same as Hyacinth.

I took off my shoes and she gave me a pair of slip-on slippers to wear and I followed her in to her kitchen. At least this wasn't like the one on TV but a modern bright all stainless steel workbenches and appliances. With a white scrubbed old-fashioned pine table and four hard backed chairs. They were set on a raised part by a wide window overlooking her manicured back garden. Everything seemed to be growing in a precise place, the same as one sees in garden magazines.

"Sit on the chair and I'll get you a coffee, Cappuccino be all right? Do you want something with it? Cake! Biscuit?" She asked.

"Cappuccino will be grand, but nothing with it," I replied.

I took note of her as she handled her Cappuccino machine. Now I knew why I associated her with the TV character. She was dressed similar with a floppy type floral dress, a two-string pearl necklace around her neck, a ladies gold Rolex watch on her wrist. She had the same plump figure as Hyacinth in a short frame; and her hair, which looked as though she had just come out of the hairdressers. Her make up was also superb; when she was close her perfume was very subtle. Oh she even had nylon stockings on, even though I had caught her two hours early, so she must wear them all the time.

To bring the two cups from her kitchen area to the table she placed them on a silver tray and carried them over and gently placed the cup on a placemat in front of me. She then repeated the same action where she was going to sit, which was at my right side but on the end of the table. The tray was then returned to the kitchen area and she returned and sat down. I could see that this woman done everything in a very precise manner.

"Now I didn't get your name last night, young man. I am Heather, what do you like to be called?" She said leaning towards me and looking me in the eyes.

"Sam, I don't like being called Samuel," I answered her.

"How strange, my son's name was Sam and he would be about your age if he had lived," she replied.

"How did he die?" I asked.

"Speeding in a new car and drunk as usual, he was only nineteen, just a few months after his father died."

"That must have been hard for you, two deaths so close together."

"Yes, it may sound callous but the world is better off without those two anyway. Now no more talk of death and the past, tell me why you came round to see me?"

"You asked me to, remember!"

"Yes I did, but what does a young man like you want to call on an old has been like me. I suppose you would like to get between my legs, is that it?"

God she hit the nail on the head. I thought I had met some straight talkers in my time but this woman sure beats them. I had to answer and answer truthfully, for I am certain she would see right through a lie.

"You are right, I much prefer a more mature woman, they have fewer restraints," I said, looking straight at her and hoping that was the right way to answer her.

"Good, we have that out of the way, now I know where we stand," she said picking up her coffee and taking a sip, but looking at me over the rim.

I did also.

She replaced the cup and started laughing. "Wonderful, someone who is straight with me and to think a young man like you wants to get into my knickers. That is the greatest compliment I could ever have. Oh Sam I like you, for you are at least honest about it," she declared.

"Well, will I get into your knickers?" I pushed.

"Not just yet, but I'm sure you will," she replied placing her hand on top of mine. It was then I noticed she wasn't wearing a wedding ring but the marks of it was clearly seen, she had taken it off just recently.

We chatted about the weather and the usual things people talk about to get to common grounds and reach some understanding about each other. I did find out she wasn't poor by a long shot and meant what she said about her husband and son.

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