Chapter 2: At the Hospital

Donna:

In the grim black and white ruins of Donna's world, there remained a window of hope. One magic portal back to the land of colors and living creatures, but blocking the door like a lineman on a pro football team was Darlene's husband Bill. Rational thought had died for Donna when she got Darlene's clipped voice mail in her hotel room. "Steve's had a massive heart-attack, they don't think he'll make it, DON'T come to the hospital, but you might want to start getting the legal paperwork together. We've got the kids here at the hospital. We'll take care of them. He Doesn't Want You Here! Do NOT Come Here!"

She hadn't processed the whole message, only that the center of her life might be dying. She was vaguely aware that her field of vision narrowed until it was like looking through two toilet paper tubes. She was oblivious to all else; her brain was filtering out everything not related to getting her to her husband. So tightly was she focused, that she never considered the reason for her husband's heart attack. She wasn't able to conceive what life would be like without him. Somehow, she had managed to drive her new BMW to the hospital, but she'd left it, door open and engine running, parked on the sidewalk in front of the hospital. She hadn't even stopped to think about her kids. Her children were the planet that her moon orbited, but Steve was the sun at the center of her universe. The children would grow up and leave but the sun; the sun was the source of life.

Her vision narrowed further, her rational brain knew that Bill couldn't stop her, but primitive brain insisted on physical action. Pausing about twenty feet away, she said, "Bill, that's Steve in there, I've got to see him, take care of him. I can't let him die!"

Bill snarled, "What you want doesn't matter you damn slut, the only way you're getting in there is with the National Guard using fixed bayonets. You've killed him and his last words were to keep you away, and by God and all the saints, that's what I'm going to do." What happened next was right out of the keystone cops. As Donna rushed for the door, Bill put his hand out like a traffic cop, and Donna collided with it. She hadn't seen the wet floor signs. So when she skidded into him, his tiny push caused her to lose her balance and with a piercing scream her head crashed onto the hard floor.

As she lay in a disheveled boneless heap in front of Steve's door, fighting to hold onto consciousness, she heard Bill's angry roar. "Nurse get someone to get this piece of shit off the floor, my friend is going to die in peace." The pain from the verbal kick was far worse than the fall. It eclipsed her sun and the darkness consumed her.

She awoke in a hospital bed. Monitors, with an incongruous cheeriness in view of their function were chirping softly. She felt wonderful! But it only took a second to realize that there was an artificial patina to her exuberance. Someone had given her a 'happy pill.' It took several second to remember Steve and the reason why someone would drug her and she then she was furious. At least as furious as the 'happy pill' would allow. Her husband might be dying and no one should try to mute her responses to that. Before she could begin working on righteous indignation, the reason for his heart attack crashed in on her and she was grateful for anything that dulled her awareness. Donna wept.

Even with her senses dulled, she felt a kernel of resentment form. This wasn't fair. She was sorry, more sorry than she'd ever been about anything in her life, about what she'd done with Gil. She would do almost anything to make up for it, but it hadn't been this important. Certainly, not important enough to take Steve away from her, to ruin her life. A mindless half hour of sex shouldn't be able to destroy her world. That wasn't fair! Steve's response was all so out of proportion to what she'd done. The act hadn't meant anything to her, just a momentary lust that got out of control. It would never happen again and... and well Steve would just have to forgive her. But what about everyone else? Was there any way everyone else might somehow ignore what she'd done?

'Happy pill" or not, a tiny vacuum developed in Donna chest! It could happen, her world could end over something so stupid so vacuous. It was just a tiny little slip, how could a stolen half hour ruin her life? The scorn on her friend Bill's face, his demeanor and the contempt of his words reverberated and sank in. He knew and he despised her for what she done. She wanted to rush to Bill and plead for understanding, to explain. But how could she explain what she couldn't understand? She didn't deny her responsibility, but she had never thought about trying to explain it?

She shook her head again. These sorts of earth shattering results should require months, years of planning, not a mere half hour of lust that ultimately was simply messy and not magnificent. Then another thought intruded. 'Why rush to Bill and not to Steve?' she wondered. The vacuum in her chest threatened to consume her heart as her mind skittered around the edges of the concept of life without Steve, that Steve might have already died not understanding how supremely unimportant that half hour had been in her life.

The idea that she might not have the chance to fix this was... intolerable! Tears flowed down her cheeks and huge wailing sobs consumed her as Donna again surveyed the bleak colorless post-apocalyptical ruins that had been her idyllic life. Mired in dark depression the 'Happy pill' overpowered her and she slept.

Steve:

Steve had been in a place as devoid of life, where time seemed unimportant. He was searching, languidly, for a tunnel of light when he heard his wife scream. Donna needed him! He had to help her! She was in trouble and he could no more ignore her than he could will his heart to stop, less so. Even in so distant a place her voice was a beacon he must follow. As that voice echoed in his mind, it became the lantern he needed to find his way, a reason to live, a focus of a desire to continue.

It wasn't until he reached the threshold that he saw the devastation of his life and dreams. As he reflected on that scene, he slowly oozed back from life's harsh glare. The questions were too painful to ask, much less answer. Did he really want to continue? To continue to Donna and the pain? On the cusp, without making a decision, he began to slide back into permanence of that velvety blackness.

Then, he heard a new voice, "Daddy? Daddy can you hear me? Nurse! Nurse, something's wrong, please hurry, please! Daddy, hold on please, Daddy please. Jimmy, Sarah hurry, I'm... hurry help meeee!"

Now more voice were calling and pleading. Steve looked at the light and he looked at the darkness. The light was harsh and unyielding, painful. The darkness still seemed more comfortable, soothing. There were no problems in the darkness. But his children were in the light. He had no choice. He opened his eyes.

Donna:

Donna was aware of her mother's voice, gossiping, "Steve's going to make it, he finally came around, they were able put in three stints to open up the LAD. Did you know that it was 100% blocked and he didn't even know it? That artery carries almost half the blood to the heart. The doctors call that spot 'the widow maker.' The doctor said it wasn't unusual, at least in very active men who work out, for capillaries to form around a blockage as his did, but he was a heart attack waiting to happen. Who would have known? He's only 42, has low cholesterol, not even a pound overweight, no indicators at all, just bad genes. It was the Grace of God that there was someone there when he collapsed. Their CPR kept him alive until they could do something for him here.

I've already told you, I don't know the whole story, just that Donna collapsed when she got here and that she and Steve are having some sort of fight. Steve's parents have the kids, I'll be going over there to see them as soon as her sedative wears off and I can ask Donna a few questions. There's nothing wrong with her, she just fainted like some heroine in a silent movie. Since she was in a hospital, they got hysterical and doped her up. Trying to avoid lawsuits no doubt. Look I've got to go, she's starting to stir."

"Donna, Donna are you awake?"

Donna wondered if she could fool her mother, she didn't think she could face her right now. If hearing that Steve was okay exhilarated her, full understanding of her situation terrified her. She wondered if there were any way that she could wait until after she'd talked to Steve to let her mother know about her... it wasn't an affair, it was just stupidity.

"Donna, you've never cried in your sleep, so I know you're awake. I know the whole story, this is going to have to be handled very carefully or you're going to lose your marriage. You're going to have to take charge of Steve before he can lock you out of his life. You don't have much time. They're going to have him out of recovery soon and you need to be there when he comes down off the drugs."

Donna held her arms out like she had when she was very little and her mother took her and held as she had when she was a child. Her mother's strength helped as it always had and when she thought she could control her voice she said, "Momma, I know I've messed up, but this shouldn't be the end of the world!" Tears of self-pity formed and rolled down her cheek.

Dropping seamlessly into her accustomed role, her mother said, "Donna, you weren't raised to be a simpering ninny. We taught you to stand on you own two feet and face the world head on. You've never backed down in the face of trouble and I'm not going to see you do it now."

The words were not softened by the tone. There was anger and disappointment in her voice, and Donna took a deep breath. Running away would be so much easier, but her mother was right, she couldn't. Even if she could somehow leave her children, she couldn't leave Steve. She might as well try to leave her skeleton! No, she had a backbone and now was the time to use it... except how, how did you fight when you were so fully in the wrong?

"Do you know why you cheated?"

Donna's head snapped back so hard and the pain was so sharp that for an instant Donna thought her mother had slapped her.

Donna sighed again, but this one was different, this was the sound you make when you've decided something unpleasant can't be put off any longer. "I didn't really cheat, I mean... I don't know, I never intended to, it was almost like I wasn't there."

Thunder clouds formed on her mother's brow and lightning flashed in her eyes. "Donna Elizabeth Truman Bellows, don't you ever say anything like that to Steve! It's the same thing as saying you'll do it again when conditions are right. You damn well do know why you did it and you'd better be able to tell him why and why it will never happen again!"

Her mother's face became implacable, "You need to look Steve in the eye and say you didn't enjoy it. That Gil wasn't a better lover too! But most important you have to make him believe he can trust you again!"

Donna was shocked, her mother had never spoken like this. They'd talked about sex of course, but it had always been a subtle thing. Her mother's bluntness forced her respond in kind. "It was exciting, and flattering that Gil wanted me so badly. He was so passionate that I felt special, needed. His penis is smaller than Steve, and I felt I accomplished an old goal when I could take all of him in my mouth. I wanted him, but once he started, he wasn't very good. It was like my mind was enjoying it but my body stopped responded. He came very quickly, and when he did he was done. It was mentally exciting but it wasn't very good sex. I felt so guilty when I got home, I wanted Steve more than I have in years, but I couldn't because I couldn't, and wouldn't give him sloppy seconds. I had decided never to do anything like that again before I ever got home."

Donna stopped to control her emotions but one sob slipped out, "Oh Momma, it didn't mean anything. I didn't mean for it to happen..."

Her mother's voice crackled, "I did mean something, it meant you didn't honor your marriage, your husband or your kids."

Donna felt a flash of resentment before the truth crashed in on her. She looked at her mother, "Did you ever-- slip?" her voice was soft but it was her mature voice, no longer the little girl.

Her mother's expression soften, her love evident. "No, there were times when it was a near thing, but no, and as far as I know your father never slipped either. That doesn't mean every thing I know about affairs I learned from those stupid women's magazines." You know people have always called me Dear Abby. Part of that is because I can keep secrets. You're going to benefit from that now, because I'm not going to have to go to court to see my grandchildren! But, be warned, if I have to choose between you and them it will be a very hard choice! So don't screw this up!"

"He hates me! He said he'd hurt me if he ever saw me or if I ever got around the kids." Donna wasn't crying now, just explaining the facts. The pain intensified. Oh God how the could she stand it? Using years of experience and discipline she managed to leash her pain, allowing her to function.

When her mother saw she was back in control she said, "Well that one's easy; Steve won't keep you from the children. He couldn't even if he wanted to, and you know he wouldn't. He just said the thing he knew would hurt you the most. You're lucky in a way that he's sick, that gives you a way back to him you might not have had."

"What are you talking about Momma?"

"Steve needs help, and you can tell him that you might have broken one part of your vows, but you will not let him force you to break any of the other parts. Look, he's mad and I don't know if either of us can understand how hurt he is. My experience tells me that you can't do anything about those emotions; you have to deal in facts. You broke his trust and you have to fix it. One of your best weapons is you marriage vows. Yes you broke part of them, but not all of them. You need to show that you still value your word as much as he does his."

Suppressing the urge to cry, Donna tried to absorb what her mother was telling her. She ran the marriage vow through her head and realized that there was more than 'forsaking all others" in the vow, there was a part about "sickness and health" too.

Her mother continued, "You can't turn off love like a light switch, it dies like a fire without new fuel. All Steve could have done to this point is to have decided to stop feeding it. You've got until it dies to get him to change his mind. Now, I don't know what you were thinking when you brought those pictures to his office, Darlene showed them to me, but that was very dumb. You don't ever want your man to have those sorts of images of you. It can't be helped, but you can use it if you're very clever and very careful. A man reacts to visual images of his mate being 'claimed' by another. Someone did a study once on volume of sperm in a man's ejaculate. If it has been a long time since a man has seen his mate, like a long business trip his sperm volume is way up. No surprise there, except it doesn't matter if he jacks off the day before. Biologically he wants to claim his mate in case there have been claim jumpers. I think it's the same thing if a man sees his wife with another. Seeing her like that probably will make him very horny, at least for temporarily. Now listen carefully! Don't make the mistake of thinking that means he accepts it. Man isn't ruled by biology, and his logical mind generally tells him that it isn't worth the effort to stay with a mate he can't trust.

If he hadn't seen those pictures, you'd need to do everything in your power keep them from him. It's easier to forgive cheating if you haven't seen the images. Since it's too late for that as a last desperate measure you might be able to use the pictures to get him into your bed one more time. In some of them, probably toward the end you don't look as happy. If all looks lost you might use a couple of those to prove it wasn't great sex." Her mother fixed her with a penetrating stare, "If you get him back in your bed, you make damn sure he never wants to leave it!"

Donna's emotions were so jumbled it seemed impossible to sort them out. Steve was a very passionate man, something most people didn't know because he was also one of the most controlled people Donna had ever met. She knew he was more than capable of controlling a sexual urge for her.

With another sigh of determination this time, she asked, "How can I use sex momma, he's just had a heart attack for God's sake, even if he wants me, which I doubt, and even if he were somehow to lose control and want to take me, which would never happen, I couldn't let him risk his heart like that."