Chapter 4: A World Of Their Own

When Aileen told Colin the news that they would be spending Christmas up at the cabin he seemed pretty amiable to the idea, apparently the thought of getting away from the apartment for a few days appealed to him as well. It was a four hour drive from Philadelphia to the mountain cabin and they planned on leaving early in the morning on Christmas Eve day, but it wasn't until slightly before noon before they were actually on their way. Not only had Patrick given them the use of his cabin, he also lent them his SUV. He said he didn't need it if he was staying in the city, and he would feel better knowing they had his four wheel drive vehicle to navigate the mountain roads. Colin was better at handling this type of vehicle than she was, so he drove.

The drive up was actually quite pleasant. The change of scenery as they drove from the city where so many of the buildings were festively decorated, to the country with its natural elegance, then up into the majestic beauty of the mountains was marvelous to observe. The radio was playing continuous Christmas carols which helped put Aileen in a holiday mood. Colin seemed to be enjoying himself, on the surface at least. When a particular song that he liked came on he commented on it, he also talked about their previous visits to the cabin. They had always gone in the summer before, he talked about how he had swam out to the island in the middle of the lake and speculated on whether the lake would be frozen enough now that he could walk to it.

Colin seemed to be in a cheery mood, but Aileen knew that he was still very troubled, just as she was. They really needed to talk. A couple of times Aileen almost started a serious discussion, but then decided to just hold off until they were actually at the cabin. She wanted to pretend that everything was still normal between them, just for a while on the drive up, after they talked, their relationship might be so damaged that she wouldn't even be able to pretend any longer. She rested her head on his shoulder and drifted off into a fitful sleep

They arrived there in the late afternoon. The cabin looked bigger than it had the last time they were there. It was just the two of them this time. It was very cold up in the mountains and the lake was indeed frozen over, but Aileen wouldn't recommend walking across it, the ice looked pretty thin in places. The air was brisk, but it was also clean and refreshing. Stark trees laid bare for the winter intermingled with evergreen ones all over the landscape. There were patches of snow on the ground and the mountain tops that could be seen through the clouds were all white capped. More snow was coming too, the sky was overcast, but more than that, she could taste it in the air.

"We better get the car unpacked. It looks like it's going to start snowing soon." Aileen said. Colin agreed with her and started unloading the vehicle.

By the time they got everything inside the sun was setting and snowflakes had begun to lightly drift down from the sky. Aileen thought she might as well start making dinner. Among the groceries they brought up to the cabin were a ham and a turkey. She decided she would bake the ham tonight and save the turkey for tomorrow's dinner.

Colin went out the back door to get some wood for the fire place. In about fifteen minutes he came back inside holding an armful of logs. He was covered with snow. Aileen looked out the kitchen window and saw that flakes were now falling furiously from the sky. "Definitely a white Christmas this year!" Aileen said.

"I know, it's perfect!" Colin said as he shook off the snow. "I love having a white Christmas!" Colin headed into the living room towards the fireplace. "The woodshed is stocked full," he called back to her, "so we can keep this place nice and toasty and I won't have to worry about chopping any wood."

"That's great!" Aileen said, and then she went back to making dinner. About an hour later she had their Christmas Eve dinner prepared and ready to serve. Aileen brought the ham out to the dining room table, she saw that Colin had made an inviting fire; the living room was all ready growing warm. Aileen also noticed, with surprise, a small Christmas tree in the corner. Colin was standing next to it and smiling proudly.

"We can't have Christmas without a tree," he said. It looked like Colin had chopped off one of the fuller branches of one of the evergreen trees outside then brought it inside and strung it with some colorful lights and a few ornaments. He even had a little stand for it so it wouldn't fall over. Underneath he had placed the wrapped presents they had brought up with them from home. He must have been planning this before they left because Aileen recognized the decorations from their tree at home, especially the star on top. "What do you think?" Colin asked.

The tree wasn't grand, it wasn't extravagant, and it wasn't needlessly ornate, it was a simple, charming little tree. Charlie Brown, eat your heart out, Aileen thought as she smiled. It was perfect for their private little Christmas. "I think it's wonderful," Aileen said choking up a bit, moved by Colin's gesture.

They sat down at the table to enjoy their meal. The lights were turned down low so most of their light was coming from the Christmas tree, the crackling fire, and the candles Aileen had lit on the table for a final touch. Through the windows they could see the snow continuing to fall outside, and inside, the cabin had indeed become toasty. It all led to a very cozy atmosphere.

As they ate, Colin lapsed back into detached silence. He was brooding again. Aileen had had enough of it and she knew it was finally time to clear the air between them. "Colin, please talk to me," she said. "I know there must be a lot on your mind, if you could just tell me what you're feeling, maybe we could both start healing."

Colin looked up into her eyes. "This place reminds me of Seth," he said. "I've tried to ignore it, I've tried to add my own personal touches, but all my memories of this place are from when we were all here together... with him. His stink permeates this place, just like it does everything else in my life."

"Oh, Colin," Aileen sighed, this wasn't where she expected he'd start, but at least he was talking. "We didn't go to your Uncle's this year because Seth would be there, and we didn't stay home because it was just too depressing there, I didn't know what else to do. It's not like I could have flown us to Disneyland or something."

"I know Mom, I know. You've done great, this was a terrific idea. The problem is with me. I'm sorry. I know Seth isn't the root of all evil in the world, but lately it's getting harder and harder not to believe that. It makes me sick to think of the influence I've let him have over my life. I just can't get over the pain that guy has caused me."

"It's okay, Sweetie, and there is nothing to be sorry about. I want to help you get over this. In time the pain will dull and you will find somebody else, you have so much to offer any young woman..."

"And Seth will always be able to offer more. Seth always wins," Colin said interrupting her. "You think I want to go through this again?"

"It won't be the same, Colin. You'll find someone who really loves you..."

"I thought Sheryl loved me. She said she did," Colin said. "For two years we went out, I thought I had come to know her so well, and she me. I know that relationships are seldom permanent, but I thought we had a shot. For years I've had to listen to the guys brag about how many girls they've bagged. It was like a game to them, every time they slept with a different girl it was another point and then they moved on to score again, and Seth was the ringleader of the bunch!

"But, you know... that never bothered me. I couldn't see what was so appealing in having sex with someone you barely knew. I always imagined it as the ultimate act of sharing oneself, of trusting someone enough to let them see you when you are most vulnerable. How can you trust a virtual stranger? You can't. I saw Seth and the others as always having to keep their guard up, always holding a piece of their selves back when they were with someone. I wanted no part of that. I had Sheryl and I knew that when we finally did it, it would be something special."

Now that Colin was talking it was like a dam had burst and all his feelings were pouring through. Aileen listened intently to everything he said, but she focused on the last part. When they finally did it? It would be something special? "Colin..." Aileen began, "Are you saying that you and Sheryl never..."

"She said she wanted to wait until she was ready. I didn't want to push her into anything she didn't want to do. When the time came I wanted us both to want it." Colin said.

Aileen was silent for a moment. Colin had been going out with Sheryl since he was sixteen, and he had never seriously dated anyone else. "Colin, are you a virgin?" Aileen asked. Colin's face flushed deep red, he looked away from her eyes, starring down at his plate, and then he nodded.

My God! Aileen thought, My tall, strapping eighteen year old son is still a virgin! He had been dating Sheryl for so long that she had just assumed they would have done it by now. She had given him the sex talk when he was younger, told him that she would prefer he didn't do it at all, but if he did use precautions and all that. But she was realistic and thought that for sure he would have had sex by now. She knew the onus that was on teenagers to lose their virginity, especially the boys. And Colin was so handsome that there must have been plenty of girls interested in him. But even in the face of peer pressure Colin had remained loyal to Sheryl, and he stuck to his beliefs and convictions. She didn't think the admiration she had for her son could grow anymore, but just now it did.

Aileen reached her hand across the table to grasp Colin's, "There's nothing wrong with that..." she began, but Colin gave a sardonic chuckle.

"You know what's funny?" said Colin. "Sheryl is one of the girls Seth brags about now, especially when I'm around."

"He's just trying to goad you Honey, it's probably not even true," Aileen said.

"It's true," Colin said. "I confronted Sheryl about it. She denied it at first but I could see she was lying. Eventually she admitted it. I always thought that even if we didn't end up together, we were at least going to be each other's first... but we didn't even have that. Seth won again. Seth always wins in the end."

Now it all came clear to Aileen. Now she understood the whole picture and she could see why this was so much more than an ordinary breakup. She understood why her boy was so distraught. "My poor, sweet, baby boy, what have they done to you?" Aileen whispered.

"Is this how people are?" Colin asked. "I mean even though I thought Seth and I were friends, it doesn't surprise me that he did this, but Sheryl, I would have trusted her with my life. I thought I knew her, but she betrayed me. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to trust anyone else."

Colin's words shook Aileen to the core. They echoed exactly her thoughts of late. Both of them were going through the same crisis of losing trust. Then another thought slipped unbidden into her mind. He could trust me... Aileen was surprised by the thought, and she found when she tried to dismiss it, it would not leave. Colin could trust her. She loved him so much, she would be so good to him, and he would never have to worry about her loving anyone more than him...

She couldn't believe what she was thinking. How could she think of her own son that way? The same reason she was turned on by all those mother and son incest stories and the role playing with Ben, the reason that she couldn't admit to herself until now why it appealed to her so much. After all she had been through, the idea of a mother and son in love seemed so heart achingly pure. The bond was so strong between a mother and son, the son was the one person the mother could trust not to hurt her. At least that was how it was between her and Colin. Aileen was struck by an epiphany. She not only loved Colin, she was in love with him. Aileen felt a surge of arousal in her loins with that realization, immediately followed by an intense wave of guilt. My son is pouring out his heart to me, and I can't stop thinking about how much I desire him! Aileen thought, disgusted with herself.

Aileen was having difficulty breathing. How could this be possible? Was she truly the most perverted woman on the face of the Earth? She couldn't allow herself to think of her son that way. But she knew she would never love anyone as much as she loved Colin, and it broke her heart that it was so wrong to love him that way. She felt a single tear escape her eye and run down the side of her face.