Chapter 44: A Night on the Town (2)

Hagop came back with a large tray laden with small plates of appetizers. He pulled a chair over with his foot, balanced the tray between the back of the chair and his arm, and then began placing the plates on the table. They were followed by long narrow glasses, a carafe of Ouzo, bottles of water and a small metal bucket with ice.

I half filled our glasses with Ouzo, added some ice, and asked if they wanted water on top of it. Dana declined, preferring it straight, which came as a surprise, and Sarah and I took it mixed. I also filled the other glasses with water and ice, and distributed them. Whether you took Ouzo straight or not, most people took sips of water in between swallows of Ouzo, because it was a potent drink and although most foreigners thought of it as an aperitif, almost everybody else drank it throughout the meal. When you drink several glasses of the stuff, drinking it straight without any water was asking for trouble, so the second glass with water was customary; some drinkers tended to skip it, if they diluted their drinks enough.

I took my glass, now a milky white color, and raised it for a toast, but found myself at a loss for something elegant to say. Dana came to my rescue by offering, "To us. Friends and lovers." It was what I had in mind, but had considered it too simple. I had forgotten that sometimes, something simple can be more beautiful and poignant than something overly sophisticated.

After taking a sip from our glasses, Sarah offered, "To you and Mitch. May your worst days be carefree and happy."

For a few seconds, Dana gave an appraising look to Sarah, before her eyes found mine. I wasn't sure if I read her correctly, but I countered with, "May our worse days be carefree and happy," and Dana smiled fondly, giving a slight nod of approval to me. Although Sarah was surprised, she didn't miss the significance of what happened. She smiled apologetically to Dana, but Dana waved it off, and asked her to do the honors and serve the first of the appetizers, receiving a dazzling smile. To tell the truth, I was quite pleased by the reactions of both girls, and the night was young-fortunately, at the time, we didn't know what the night held in store for us!

After Sarah served the stuffed mussels, both girls got busy serving samples from the rest of the appetizers. Sarah was very curious about the topik, and after taking a small bite, her face lit up. Quickly she chewed, swallowed, and blurted out, "That was great. I didn't expect what you described to taste like that."

"Yes, cinnamon, raisins and onions are a strange mix, but..." Dana joined in, finishing her taste test.

We continued to sample the dishes with sips of Ouzo in between, talking about the different appetizers. Dana tasted some of the dishes for the first time, and happily found that she enjoyed them. She was familiar with the stuffed mussels, one of her favorites-as well as mine-and the artichokes. The mashed bean salad, something new for her, was a happy surprise.

"It's not available here, but where I work, they have something similar, prepared with a puree of chick peas, sesame oil, and some other stuff. It's quite good when drinking," I said.

"I had that in Cairo. Humus, I think they call it... it's pretty common in the Middle East," Dana said.

"How did you like it?"

"Well... it tasted a bit bland except for the chili peppers, unlike this mashed bean salad. I think they put the chili to give it more taste," she replied.

"Yeah, there would be local variations, but as you said, it's quite a common dish in the countries of that region."

Sarah changed the subject to my cousin-in-law and my second cousin.

"Let me see... I was 13 when she was born, and I saw her during my semester break that winter, when my parents took us to visit my grandparents. She was six or seven months old. She was a very quiet baby, with really big, big, dark eyes. She fascinated me. She would grab my finger, look at everything with wonder and curiosity, and make those baby sounds. I had never expected to find that a baby could capture my attention so completely. I had always felt that very young children were pests, at best. Kathy was also very much taken by her, but then, all women, regardless of their age, love babies, so that wasn't too unusual. However, when she took her in her arms and tried to rock her to sleep, it didn't work. Instead she just cooed and made all kinds of silly noises. When I finally took her in my arms she quickly fell asleep. At first, everybody thought she was tired, and it was a coincidence, but when the pattern repeated several times, it became apparent it wasn't just a fluke."

Sarah interrupted me, "I'm guessing Kathy wasn't thrilled about that," drawing an amused smile from Dana. When I nodded with a grin, both of them laughed.

I answered her with, "She wasn't. Well, you know how we were, how we are, still. I enjoyed ribbing her, but I was careful not to hurt her feelings. I also remember my uncle coming to her defense, joking about it. He said he was going to have a big, a very big problem, if my second cousin already knew the difference between boys and girls at such an early age."

At that, both girls let out another melodic laugh, tinkling like bells, warming my insides. "So, Kathy and I took turns baby-sitting, but it was obvious who her favorite was. I also remember a few occasions, when I was really tired from baby-sitting her, but still I didn't avoid spending time with her; I enjoyed it too much."

"What do you mean?" Sarah asked.

"Well, one day my uncle had to take the baby with him, and we had to travel to a small village where they were shooting a short film. I was holding her in my arms when she fell asleep; I didn't dare move. Didn't want to wake her up. We had to drive down some dirt roads, and it was a bumpy ride. When we reached our destination some three hours later, my shoulders and neck were burning."

Sarah interrupted me again. "Why did you do it? I mean, you could have put her on your lap and she would have fallen asleep just the same, wouldn't she?"

"Nope. She was on my lap, and she was almost ready to cry. When I had her in my arms, she quieted down and then fell asleep. So, I didn't dare put her back on my lap, and kept her in the crook of my arms. It's funny, though. I never thought watching a sleeping baby could be something interesting, but with her... I found myself watching her the entire time. She looked so sweet and vulnerable... I didn't know what it was at the time, but now, thinking back, I think it was the innocence."

"So you like babies, children?" Dana asked.

Do I? Did I?

I was so taken by her question, I started thinking about it, and didn't answer her, until she prompted me again. "Mitch?"

"Huh... Oh... sorry. I-I... I was thinking about it. I don't know. I don't think I'm crazy about babies or children in general. I think she was an exception."

Dana raised an eyebrow, puzzled by my answer. "Exception?" she prompted.

"Yeah... I think it has a lot to do with my uncle. I liked him very much, and that baby was part of him-I know, I know... I wouldn't realize something like that at that age. But I think, at some basic level, I was responding to his baby, because I liked him very much. I saw many other babies from other relatives, friends, and people I care about, but my second cousin had been something else, special, different," I replied.

"But surely, you would feel different about your own child, wouldn't you?" Sarah joined in to the discussion.

Now, that's a loaded question!

Would I? Did I want children of my own? Once, I wan-

And now... do I want children?

Nope. Sometimes, I don't like what I am. And I don't want... I don't want any part of myself! And what could I possibly give a baby... a child? Love? Do I have any love left in me to-

I was surprised with the way my thoughts took such an unexpected and dark turn. Despite my misgivings my thoughts kept returning to the past, while I tried to formulate an answer for Sarah.

"To tell the truth, I don't know. I never thought about it in depth," I temporized. "My life isn't suited for raising children, I know as much. My colleague, Tim, has two children, one of them a year old. He missed when the baby was born, and half the time he's away from his family. From what he has told me, it's really tough on the kids and the family," I said, and as I continued the words seemed to come easily. "And parenting is a huge responsibility. When I look at my parents, I can't help but feel what an impossible task they took on, considering what I know now. The world is not what it used to be, things are changing rapidly... and not for the good most of the time. I'm not sure if I would want to bring something as innocent as a baby to grow up in this mad fray."

Even as I said this, I was busy gathering impressions from my own childhood and the memories from later parts of my life, reflecting on how the children of relatives, and friends grew up. However, my mind was mostly busy with how I felt about having a child. A distant memory that I thought I had buried in the deepest corner of my mind was awakened-I guess it hadn't been so deeply buried after all! I remembered why only once in my life, I had considered a child-a daughter-from Rei... After returning home that summer, one night, I woke up in the middle of a particularly sweet dream. It had been a rare instance, and something that never repeated again. Unlike my recurring dreams that replayed the things we shared and did, in this one, I was in the water by the beach, with my daughter cuddled in my arms. We played in the water, with her bubbling with joy and making happy noises. When I woke up, I ached for her, because it had been so real. Then the shocking realization set in. I sat for hours going over the dream, and never wrote a word of it in my diary, because I had been too worked up trying to figure out the 'why.' I never did manage to find any answers, except a faint suspicion that I missed Rei terribly. Perhaps it had been a subconscious response: a baby, a daughter would look so much like her mother, and I would get to keep a part of Rei with me, in flesh and blood.

I hadn't noticed the table grow quiet when I stopped speaking. I was still out, busy gathering wool. When my eyes caught Sarah's face, I came to my senses, and turned to check on Dana. Both girls had unreadable expressions on their faces.

"Did I... did I say something wrong?" I asked hesitantly.

"No, you didn't," Dana replied, patting my arm. Taking my hand in hers, she said, "I think you're looking at it from a rather pessimistic point of view... thinking about what could go wrong. You're still young, and maybe not ready for such a responsibility, but when the time comes, I think you'll change your mind."

"Maybe... As you said, it's something for later," I replied quietly, and tried to steer my thoughts away.

Instead of continuing on that subject, Dana moved the discussion back to my ex-cousin-in-law. "Was he really that close to you?"

I lit a cigarette to gain time, and compose myself, before answering her. "Yes. I still think of him as an uncle rather than a cousin-in-law. He's a quiet man, gentle and patient, but witty, with a dry sense of humor and a sharp tongue. I guess he had to be... in his line of work."

"What does he do?"

"He's a studio chief, sound engineer, and is also involved in films and some other stuff. Because of his work, he's in constant contact with actors, actresses, singers, and their associates. Most of them-I don't know how to say it-hide behind facades, play-acting? Some were jealous, some magnanimous, and some seemed to buy into their own image. There were a few very unpleasant ones, as well as really down to earth and decent ones, but all of them had sharp tongues. Some used it as a defense mechanism, and some used it in good-natured ribbing. I don't want to think about those who used their wit and tongue to injure others or to win an argument and further their own interests. His colleagues were also a lively bunch. I guess it goes with the territory. The first time I came face to face with his world and the people in it, it had been a shock. I had never experienced anything like that before." I turned to Sarah, and said, "You know how shy I was, so you can probably imagine."

She nodded in understanding. "How did they treat you?" she asked.

"Well, for most of them I was a fly on the wall. I was quite young at the time, so they didn't notice me-much-for which I was grateful. I'd rather watch what was going on than participate under the circumstances. I could be quite inconspicuous. I tell you, at that age, I had it down to an art-form," I flashed a self-deprecating smile. "But still, a few did take notice of me, and were friendly, but I think they were just being polite. There had been one or two that were really nice, genuinely interested in me, but I was so shy, I couldn't respond to them. Even when they were very busy and stressed, they would find time to say a few words to me or offer an apology for not spending time with me. I think they were genuine, and not going through the motions. I saw them treat everybody around them similarly. Nobody was getting preferential, or different treatment."

"Did you discuss things with your uncle?" Dana asked, preferring to use my word of choice for my ex-cousin-in-law when I was referring to him.

"Like what?"

"About the differences between people he worked with, and the things you had noticed..." she elaborated.

"Yeah. We did. He noticed most of it himself. He was willing to talk to me as if I were an adult, and he expected me to ask questions if I didn't understand something. I realized why he was treating me the way he did, getting me to ask him to clarify what he meant when I had problems grasping something. I learned a lot from him, being in his world, meeting those people. It's a world apart in some ways, but at the end of the day, each of them was no different from anyone else with their own faults and weaknesses, good and bad. The only difference was that they were public figures, to varying degrees."

"It must have been interesting," Dana noted.

"It sure was. My uncle saw I was very shy, and he tried to draw me out. He introduced me to some beautiful young singers and actresses. To tell the truth, I was overwhelmed seeing them up close like that, and it didn't help that I've always been shy around the opposite sex. So being around some of the beautiful and relatively famous ones made it that much worse. Over time, I got used to it, since it was a daily occurrence to see them in the studio. I know I didn't make a fool of myself, but unless somebody spoke to me or asked a question I kept my mouth shut."

"What about when you were older, like 15, 16?" Dana asked.

"Oh God! That was... It was both good and bad. My hormones were raging at the time, but I was so shy. And to my horror, some of the same women really took an interest, and worse, they took it upon themselves to tease me or flirt with me, remembering how shy I was, and how I blushed. It's not as bad when you're just 13 or 14, but boy, when you are 15 or 16... I had picked up some witty repartees and come backs from observing my uncle and his friends, so after a while I was able to respond to some degree, but I never did manage to overcome my inherent shyness. To tell you the truth, I enjoyed the attention. Let's face it, at times, it was a young boy's wet dream come true... almost!"

Sarah and Dana laughed at that last remark.

"You seem to do quite well. You're not a slouch when it comes to teasing us or returning our quips," Sarah said.

"If you haven't noticed I'm a bit older, now. You remember how I was when I was 15 or 16," I reminded her.

"Oh, yes, you've grown up. In so many ways," she teased back, licking her lips suggestively, drawing an amused laugh from Dana.

Laughing at her teasing, I said, "Exactly. So, you can guess how I would have responded to your quip back then. Thank you for making my point."

"It seems you've picked up quite a bit from your uncle," Dana commented.

"Well... kind of. But I was much more comfortable around older people, even when I was 13-14; that was something my uncle picked up on very quickly. It surprised him a lot."

"Why was he surprised?" Dana asked.

"I'm not sure. I think he thought I would relate to younger people, or be bored with older people, but when he saw me relax and get over my shyness among his older friends he included me in outings more often. Later he told me how proud he was of the way I conducted myself, which embarrassed me no end. I still remember it. I was 14, and he was doing the sound engineering on a play. After the rehearsal, he took me out to dinner with a few of the actors. Despite the age difference and mixed company, I was included in the conversation. I thought I managed to hold my end of it, but I wasn't sure. Later, he told me he was proud of me. He knew I was a bookworm, and had many interests, so I guess that helped. When similar dinners occurred with increasing frequency over time, I realized he really enjoyed my company. Whenever I visited him, we went out, most of the time with some artists."

"That's really kind of him to take such an interest in a young person," Dana said. "Now, I can understand why you feel so close to him."

I smiled instead of answering.

"Do you mind if I ask why you feel the way you do about your cousin?" she asked.

"No, I don't mind. It's... it's mostly the way she treated me. There was a world of difference between him and her. It's difficult to explain," I said. I thought about how to answer her question, when I came across a memory of an incident, something very typical. Seeing me mulling something in my mind, Dana waited patiently. "I think the best example was when I was 16. They had a friend visiting them, and we all dressed up and went out for dinner at a nightclub. Afterwards we walked into the bar for a drink. My uncle inquired what everyone wanted, and when it was my turn, I asked for cognac. I didn't want to drink Coke or orange juice, and since nobody was drinking wine, I didn't want to ask for that. After all, I was 16, an adult in my opinion, and I wanted to establish it symbolically, right? My cousin knew both Kathy and I tried all kinds of alcohol at home, and were often allowed some when we went out with the family or relatives. She was going to object, but my uncle nipped it at the bud; he said, 'Cognac, it is, ' without allowing any further discussion on the subject-"

"So, your cousin was a bit concerned," Dana interrupted me.

"Nope. Not really. I told you she knew about our family, and what we were allowed. You'll understand in a second. So, the drinks came, mine in a goblet. When I held the goblet the proper way, her eyebrow went up in surprise. Then as if I had done it a thousand times, I let the cognac swirl in the glass with deft little moves, and inhaled the aroma like a connoisseur before taking a small sip, savoring its taste. That earned me another raised eyebrow. I was getting really irritated by her reaction. It was as if I had suddenly developed antlers or something. I knew what it was though. She still thought I was a child, and shouldn't know such things. Anyway, I put one hand in my jacket pocket, leaned against the bar, then struck a nonchalant pose, swirling the drink in the glass, and scanning the room, totally relaxed as if I was born into the scene. Nothing could be further from the truth; my insides were churning despite the show I was putting on." I grinned wryly, reliving the peculiar uneasiness and anxiety I had had at the time.

I saw Dana flash me an understanding smile, and realized she knew what I was feeling... On second thought, something in her eyes told me, she knew exactly what I was feeling... how I was reliving that moment, right this second. She had seen it before, and now, she gave me a sympathetic look. She started to reach for my hand to comfort me, but when I smiled, she settled back in her chair.

"Anyway... to get back to the story... She couldn't hold it in anymore. She moved in closer and blurted, 'where did you learn all that?' It was embarrassing as hell. I mean... she hadn't been as quiet as she wanted to be. I think she made a fool of herself more than embarrassing me. Now, you probably can guess I did the posing on purpose. Yes, I did. After seeing her watching me like a hawk, and the raised eyebrow and all. I was very annoyed by her attitude, and I had been baiting her."

By the time, I finished relating the story, Dana's amused expression gave way to chuckles, perhaps also relating to what I felt at the time. When she collected herself, she said, "Yes, she made a fool of herself. So, what you're saying is she was more concerned that you would embarrass her with her friends, because you were too young to know things like that?"

"That's exactly what it was. She was a snob. Always concerned about appearances, trying to give an impeccable impression, whether it's her image or the image of people she's being seen with. She could always find something to criticize in other people. And she thought I was a child, and treated me like one. She should have known better. On the other hand, my uncle is a down to earth character. He's not concerned about being embarrassed, especially among his friends. Why should he? They are his friends, and friends are supposed to be understanding, right? And he trusted me. Compared to him, she knew more about how we were raised, and also, she knew about the dinners I attended with my uncle's crowd. She should have considered all that instead of worrying about whether or not I would embarrass her. Besides all that, why should I know such things or be expected to know such things at that age?"