Chapter 16

Sarah's Diary - Later the same day

Sarah's Diary - Wednesday 26 May... continued

Met R in refec for lunch. Sat with Judith and Nick and some friends from the English department. It must be pretty obvious that something's going on between R and me. He rarely used to eat with the students. Now he's here nearly every day with me. Sick feeling in my stomach that we'll get caught out. J gave him a hug and told him she was sad about E. Everyone else followed her lead and made him tearful - but at least it covered my confusion.

Another session with Vera. Phoned Dr LeBrun to confirm things. Found out that there's a meeting on Fri p.m. Who's doing the agenda? Me?

Library all afternoon. Thank goodness I can concentrate again. Pleased with what I've done so far on this essay. Hope R will be.

Tea with R. Kiss! Gave me notes for agenda. I'm to ring LB tomorrow and confirm with him. I'll have to translate the thing. Where to find a decent French dictionary? No squash so went for a bike ride with Angie. I really will have to get fit. Have to keep up with R.

R into High Table with guest. I ate in Hall. Funny to see R filing in with the rest of the fellows. I view him completely differently from the way I used to.

Back to the library. Then home to finish the essay. Just a few things to look up tomorrow. Early to bed - well 10:30 - better than the last two nights.

Thought I'd seen the last of R but he came tapping on door at about 11. Heaven knows what my landlady thinks. Very smart and handsome, tho' reeking of smoke. He asked me to go to the College Ball next Friday. He hadn't been going, but now he wants to take me. Chance to wear my secret weapon. Then he gave me two beautiful little tortoiseshell hair combs - like the picture frame. Said Tony had rung and asked him to look for them for me. He'd found the combs and some other things that E had put together in a box for me with a note - just 'For Sarah'. We both cried. Suddenly realised I was practically naked in his arms, being kissed. My dressing gown only ties and the tie had come undone. Then it was like Monday night - for me anyway. I couldn't stop myself. Just his hands on my back and the feel of him against my bare skin - even through his clothes. But this time it was safe, R in control, only touching my back and bottom - hard. Then my body did it all by itself - I never knew it could. Like being scalded and squeezed. The first orgasm I've ever had with a man. Relief. It was as though all the tension was drained away. I'd have fallen but R picked me up and put me to bed. He sat beside me and I asked him what I should do for him, but then I fell asleep.

Sarah's Diary - Thursday 27 May

Best sleep in weeks too. Note on my pillow. 'I love you.' My first love letter. Into the library to finish my essay but wrote R a love letter first and put it in his pigeonhole.

I'll have to concentrate. That's three times I've been late for a lecture and had to sneak in.

To the bank to see if cheque was cleared. Nice young lady went off to check the cheque. Be-suited manager came back to say solicitor had paid £5, 000 in and I could have it when I wanted. I took a hundred pounds in cash. Rather wobbly making. It's more money than I've ever had before. I feel I ought to refuse, but at least I can pay Tony now.

Then in to see Vera and finish off the visit. Message asking me to phone mum. R has written to them. He said he would. Mum a bit confused and difficult to explain with Vera there. She obviously earwigging, but v kind and put me in the Dean's office. Still difficult to explain. Had to admit to the money, but didn't dare say how much. Explained it was all a long time away and that nothing had happened. Mum seemed quite startled. Quite took the wind out of her sails. I said I'd come down as soon as the French were out of the way. Not a good effort. Vera quizzical. I told her the truth. She seemed pleased. Said it was a pity it was so soon after E's death. But then said she didn't suppose E would mind - just what other people would think. Finished visit plans and phoned LB to agree agenda.