Chapter 35

Julia and Bill’s wedding had another effect. It finally got me out of my shell and back into the world. Not an altogether bad thing.

While they were gone, two things of note occurred in Essex: finding The Angel and Tax Day.

Do you remember the Wallace family? That was the one Kate and Bill rescued when they were out riding one day. (See Chapter 11.) That was also when they found the young Susan Hastings, Duchess of the North. Well, you may remember that while Kate and Bill were caring for the family, Satan and Satana were playing in a pasture.

Well, it seems that the reason the land was pasture was that it wasn’t good for anything else. In fact, it could barely grow grass and not much of that. At any rate, one day little Angel Martin and her alter ego, Kenny Smith, were out walking. They came to the Wallace farm and wandered up onto the treeless meadow. There they just lazed in the sun and talked about their future together. Although little Angel was only five, she and Ken were far more mature than that and so were their plans.

While they were just lying in the sun, Angel was idly playing with the grass. For some reason she pulled on a clump and it came out of the ground easily. The little girl was startled and looked at it. On the bottom of the clump, something gleamed in the sunlight. Changing position, she looked down to where the clump had been and saw gold. Borrowing a pocketknife from Ken, she dug into the soft metal and put some in her pocket.

That evening when her father returned home, she showed him what she had found. John Martin took one look at it and whistled softly. The next morning, rather than going to work, he went out to the Wallace farm with Angel. Then, with Peter Wallace, the group trouped out on the meadow to where Angel and Ken had been the day before. Both Martin and Wallace had brought picks and shovels with them. Carefully they started to dig.

What they found was unbelievable. It seemed that where Angel had been idly playing was the very highest point of what proved to be an utterly gigantic formation of pure gold. As the men dug, the gold mountain just grew. It turned out that the peak was quite shallow, so that even ten feet away from Angel’s spot, the gold was still less than a foot beneath the surface.

The men just used their picks in the very soft metal and broke off several large pieces. Although they were not yet certain, from the extremely heavy weight of the pieces they held, it was clear that the material was extraordinarily dense ... like pure gold.

They marched back to town and then to the castle. There they presented their find to Kate and Bill. And to me. Tests were performed and they confirmed what Martin and Wallace had suspected: They had found a mountain of pure gold!

Then the fun began. First, they insisted on giving 20 percent of the mine to the kingdom. Angel herself was given 5 percent, and another 25 percent was given to the kingdom in trust. The idea was that pieces of this share could be awarded to especially deserving individuals who had made, or might in the future make, major contributions to the nation. Finally, the Martins and the Wallaces split the remaining 50 percent between them. The humorous element to this was that the two families were already rich with just the gold they had carried with them to the castle, but the mountain of gold still sat there, essentially untouched.

And you know what Kate did? She cried! Honest to God, she cried! Why? Poor Kate! She went into Bill’s strong arms and began crying her eyes out. At first I thought it was an act — a big joke — but I was quickly disabused of that notion. No. Her problem as she described it to Bill between sobs was, “What am I going to do now? Our tax rate is already down to 2 percent. It really can’t go any lower than that. It’s important for the citizens to feel that they’re supporting their nation. But what am I going to do with all this money?”

Trust Kate. She came up with something. (You know, I never cease to be amazed at my beautiful daughter’s brilliance sometimes. Yet she insists she’s just a slave. Yeah, right... ) What was her answer?

You’ve heard of the Medicis of Florence and Venice? The Fuggers of Austria? They’re supposed to have invented banking. It seems that they were given gold to hold in safekeeping for its owners, which they did for a fee. Then they discovered something interesting. Even though the gold was being held “on demand”, i.e., the owner could get all or any part of it at any time, and the gold kept pouring out to meet the demands, they still had amassed a pile of gold that just stayed with them. Withdrawals were pretty well matched by deposits. So, after swallowing hard, they began to lend some of that pile of money at interest. And banking was born.

But did you ever wonder where the first gold came from? Or wonder if there might be a backup plan in the event more people than expected wanted their money at the same time? The answer to both questions is Katherine of Essex, who had already given some of the kingdom’s excess cash to the Fuggers. (At Bill’s insistence, she used her formal name in business transactions like this one.) So while the Medicis were lending to city-states all over Italy, and the Fuggers were financing nations, e.g., Spain, Kate was financing them.

Although William of Essex — and the nation of Essex — were the pariahs of Europe, most of the money the monarchs were borrowing — for example, to build more vitally-needed turrets on their castles — came from Essex.

She had never done it, but Kate could have settled a lot of international disputes merely by ordering that certain demand loans be called for immediate repayment. It would have been so neat, too. And it certainly would have gotten the attention of the affected rulers. Oh, well...

Earlier I noted that the second interesting occurrence in Essex was Tax Day. Now it was quite common — the rule, really — for tax collections to be handled by troops. And often these “collections” took place in the middle of the night with troops surrounding a house and battering down the door. That was felt to be a more reliable way of determining if the kingdom was getting its “fair share”. And, as I have pointed out earlier, the “fair share” in a nation like Slobovia was 80 percent.

In Essex, though, it worked differently.

Early one morning in the late spring I was rudely awakened by my daughter, Kate. There I was, sleeping soundly, and all snug in my luscious bed when the covers were unceremoniously yanked off me and off the bed. From being as snug as a bug, I was freezing.

Sympathy from my daughter? Hah! “Come on, Mommy!” she exclaimed loudly. “It’s time to eat and go collect taxes.”

If you think that I was still more than half asleep and my mind was working at quarter speed (at best), you would be right. So I just lay there naked on my bed, vainly reaching around to try to recover my covers. No such luck. They were on the floor by that time.

She then hauled me out of bed and into a freezing cold shower. That did have the effect of waking me up. Painfully! Still stumbling around, I went back to my room to find that Kate had yet another pair of Levi’s short-shorts for me. But these were a bit different from the ones I had worn in the past. First of all, these were practically new. I mean ... they had probably been fabricated during my lifetime. Second, they had been cut out on the sides to fully reveal my brands. Oh, well...

Kate even sat me down in front of my dressing table and began working on my hair. I previously mentioned that, as a pony, we all had crew cuts. But enough time had passed that my hair had grown out somewhat. I ended up with a wavy hairdo that ended in a duck’s tail in the back. It really looked sort of neat, I guess.

Anyway, after eating, we marched into town. Under her arm Kate carried some rolled-up poster board and a list. I had no idea what was going on. In town, she first went to the Sign of the Golden Bear and borrowed a couple of tables and two chairs. (The men from the Queen’s Own, detailed to the tavern that morning, carried them out and positioned them for us.)

So there I am, standing in the town square, utterly bewildered (as usual). Kate? She’s unrolling the poster board and tacking the signs — that’s what they were — to the front of the tables. The signs said, “Pay your taxes here.” Then there were two others, one saying, “A to L” while the other said, “M to Z.” (I got the back end of the alphabet.) We sat down behind the tables.

Only then did I become aware of lines forming in front of the tables. Furthermore, additional tables were being set up next to ours by Hortense and two other young women from the Golden Bear. While they were bare to the waist — well below the waist; they were only wearing thongs — they were happily unconcerned. They were working under the direction of the two owner-managers, Martha Cooper and Susan Hodges, setting up tables with food and drink. Because of the seriousness of Tax Day, they were only offering coffee for the grown-ups and milk for the children; later they added soft cider.

I asked one of the waitresses about working essentially naked outdoors. She giggled and replied, “This is my camouflage. People focus so much on my tits, they never see me. When I’m dressed, I just disappear. No one ever thinks of me as being one of the girls at the Golden Bear.”

And in truth, the young woman had a perfect figure and totally unblemished skin. “There’s another thing,” she added. “This way the soldiers can be certain that we’re not being abused in any way.”

Oh, well...

Oh, yes ... I should have mentioned it before, but the entire spread was being offered free to those waiting to pay their taxes or those who had already done so. Later, this led to more fun. Poor Martha and Susan! When they came to my table to pay the taxes on the Sign of the Golden Bear, from the next table Kate reduced their taxes by about 90 percent to cover the cost of the free food and drink being dispensed. The two lovely women — both nursing their infants by this time — protested that it was their gift to the people of Essex. But Kate was unswayed. Since it was Tax Day, it was an official event and hence the kingdom was going to pay for refreshments.

Have you ever tried to win an argument with a stone? If you ever tried, you would have been more successful than those two young women were when trying to get Kate to take more of their money. Finally they stormed off vowing to get even, somehow.

Near the front of the line were the Carters. In addition to John and Susan, they had their two children, Jill and Jimmy, with them. Moreover, there was a new addition. When they reached Kate’s table, the infant began to fuss so Susan bared one of her luscious tits to feed her child.

Have you ever seen it to fail? I never have. Seeing the infant, Kate jumped up from her chair, rushed around the table and just gazed at the beautiful baby.

“This is our youngest, Maj ... Kate,” Susan said.

“What’s her name?” Kate asked, seeing the baby’s pink bonnet.

“She hasn’t been named yet, Kate,” Susan replied, “but we were hoping you would allow us to name her Katherine, after you.”

“Provided you call her Kate,” she replied, “I would be deeply honored.” Then with her eyes wide she asked, “Could I hold her?”

By this time the infant had finished lunch — breakfast? — and was waving her tiny hand. Kate took the child and held her close. I could see her whispering something and then, even though it was an overcast day, a ray of sunshine came down on the infant’s forehead. Instantly, her face was transformed with a beatific smile, and then with a soft sigh, she closed her eyes and slept.

Her mother watched this with increasing amazement. Taking the baby from Kate’s arms she asked, “What did you do?”

“I ... I ... I just asked the Lord to make his light to shine upon her...” Kate stammered.

“And He did!” Susan exclaimed, wide-eyed.

“Does Baby Katherine have godparents?” Kate inquired.

“Not yet,” was the reply. “John and I wanted to ask you about the name first.”

“Would you consider...” Kate began. Then she started again, “Would you allow... ?”

Susan’s eyes widened. She wasn’t certain what Kate was about to say, but clearly she had a suspicion. “Allow what?” she asked.

“Allow Bill and me to be Katherine’s godparents?” Kate replied in a rush of words. Then she blushed crimson. Can you believe it? The Queen of Essex was embarrassed to ask a citizen if she could be her infant’s godmother.

“Your Majesty, nothing could possibly please us more!” Susan replied. The girl was so stunned by Kate’s offer, she even forgot her preferred — mandated! — form of address.

“It’s settled then!” Kate said with a warm smile. “Just tell us where and when.” Then reaching beneath the table she brought up a sack of gold coins. (I could tell they were gold from the sound.) “This is just a very small token for our beautiful goddaughter on the occasion of her birth.”

The purse contained enough gold to comprise an excellent income for anyone in Essex for at least 10 years!

But then it was my turn. Looking up, I found Jane, the waitress at dinner in the castle and the girl I had first met at the softball game. With her was a young giant, and in her arms was another infant. As she held her child, she was utterly gorgeous. I then learned that she was Jane Simpson with her husband, Charley.