Chapter 12

Being alone without her children was proving to be unsettling for Cathy. God, she couldn't believe she had masturbated and, even more unbelievable, was the thing she'd done, the way she'd contorted herself to look at her most private parts. Most unsettling of all was the kernel of knowledge deep in her mind, a thought that seemed to be connected to a spot between her legs, an awareness of the fact that she would be masturbating again before the weekend was over.

Cathy cleaned the house furiously to try and avoid thinking about what sex, the sex she'd had alone, the sex she'd seen her friends enjoying, and, worst of all, the sex that she'd missed because that damn scum bag of a piece of shit ex-husband of hers had denied her the opportunity to explore sex with him. He obviously had not denied himself the opportunity. He had his bimbo. What gave him the right to deny his wife the opportunity to be his sexual partner?

She was mopping faster and faster and crying.

The phone rang. It was Susan. "Hey girlfriend, you're all alone, right?"

"Yes. The kids are with asshole."

Susan laughed. "My, the way you talk. So, Lisa and I voted for a girl's night out. We'll pick you up at 7:00. Be ready. Jeans are fine."

"Oh, I don't know..."

"I didn't ask. We both need a girls' night out and you need to join us."

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather go alone?" In her mind, Cathy thought, that way you could have sex together. But, that was mean. They'd never been anything but friends to her. If they were lovers, they were discrete.

"No. We don't. Why would we? We're picking you up. Bye." And, she hung up the phone.

Cathy sat on her sofa. She didn't need to finish cleaning. The house was clean. She was just mopping at frustrations. She realized that. She realized that the frustrations were primarily at how unfair her husband had been to find something outside the marriage that would have been good for the both of them and secondly, how unfair it was that he'd kept her sexually inexperienced. It wasn't fair.

That night, Lisa and Susan took her to a honky tonk where they all drank beer and turned down every offer to dance that came their way. They did some laughing.

Cathy had just a little too much to drink. In fact, all three of them did. That's what the night was for.

Eventually, Susan said to Cathy, "You know, if you want to dance with one of these studs, you should."

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Just for fun."

"Well, so can you."

"I know, I was just pointing out that you are now free to have some fun."

"What do you mean by that?" Cathy sounded a little pissed.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that bad. It came out bad. I just meant that there are some advantages to being single and you can think about those."

"Believe me, I'm happy to be rid of him. He wasn't what I'd thought he was, but that doesn't mean I'm lonely for a man."

"Cathy," Susan reached a hand toward her friend, confused at how angry Cathy seemed to be, "maybe I'm a little drunk and said that badly. I didn't mean to. I didn't even really mean you should get up and dance."

Cathy was mad. Were her friends feeling sorry for her? Were they all so sexually sophisticated now? Did they think she was some kind of goody two shoes? Did they make fun of her? She burst into tears. Maybe they were right. Cathy got up to leave the bar.

Susan looked at Lisa with a stunned expression. Lisa shrugged as if to say that she agreed Cathy had overreacted. "Go," Lisa said, "I'll leave some money. Go see where she went."

Susan hurried after Cathy and found her leaning on the car door.

"Cathy, are you okay? I'm sorry..."

"No, you did nothing wrong. It's me. I know I'm a basket case. And an idiot."

"No, no you're not. An idiot that is. You have the right to be a basket case."

"I'm sorry. I just need to get home. I know what you both must think of me."

Lisa walked up just in time to hear her say that. "We don't think anything bad about you. How could you say that?" She tried to hug Cathy.

"No," Cathy said, "I know I'm... "

"What?" Susan said, "There's nothing wrong with you."

"Yes there is, there must be. I wasn't good enough for Tom. He had to find somebody else. I couldn't keep him happy. I guess I didn't know how."

"Nonsense," Lisa said, "Tom is the one that messed up. Not you. Let's get in the car."

Once they were driving toward her house, Lisa turned back to Cathy and said, "Don't you dare think what happened with Tom was your fault. He's the one that messed up."

"He told me... he told me..." she hiccupped, "He told me that she was better in bed than me. I tried to be good in bed. I thought I was the way he wanted. I've never had anybody else. I would have done anything he wanted."

Susan said, "I know. Look some guys just can't enjoy their wife like they can another person. It's weird and it shouldn't be that way, but it is. He made you the Madonna and her his whore."

Whore? Cathy thought. Is that what Tom had wanted, a whore? "She wasn't a whore. She worked with him."

Susan laughed. "I know. I didn't mean literally a whore. I just meant somebody that he could enjoy nasty sex with. Some guys just can't imagine that their wife would enjoy nasty sex."

Cathy saw the smile that passed between Susan and Lisa. You two don't have that problem, do you? she thought. I certainly saw you being nasty. Is that what Tom wanted. Suddenly, because of emotion and alcohol, Cathy felt angry. She did not stop to analyze it.

"Is that what it takes for a happy marriage? Nasty sex? Is that what keeps your marriage good?"

Susan looked in the rear view mirror at Cathy, surprised at her tone of voice. "Cathy, all I am saying is that Tom was not man enough to talk to you about whatever it is he found with her. Yeah, he probably thought he was just getting a little nasty sex on the side, the kind of thing that he would never ask his wife to do, and eventually it became real important to him. I'm sorry he was not man enough to enjoy it with you."

"He never even gave me a chance."

"I know sweetheart." Susan reached a hand back to touch Cathy.

Cathy pulled away. She was still angry and worse, she was jealous. Her friends had a secret little nasty world and they certainly kept their men happy, didn't they? They didn't have the problem she had. They did what they had to and kept their men. Her emotions were an unfocused lump entangling her.

Cathy said something she would have never said if she had not been so drunk. "Are you saying I should be like you two?"

There was silence in the car. The tone of Cathy's voice had stung.

"What do you mean by that?" Lisa asked.

"I mean I saw you at the beach. I saw you dancing naked together. I saw you... I saw you... do things together. I saw you switch partners."

Susan pulled the car to the curb and turned around. "So that's been your problem. You peeked in on us."

Cathy hugged herself defiantly. "I thought I forgot something. I came back up to get it and I saw you through the window. I couldn't help but see."

Susan said, "Well, I'm sorry if you saw something that bothers you, but it really doesn't have anything to do with you, does it?"

"Is that what I'm supposed to be?"

Lisa gently said, "Cathy, don't judge us for something that we enjoy that doesn't hurt you in the least."

Cathy turned at was looking out the side window. Lisa was right, of course, she wasn't being hurt. They'd never tried to get her to join in their nasty games. Why was she so mad? Because what they were doing was wrong? How could she say that? They were discrete. Because it was a sin? Frankly, she just wasn't sure it was a sin if it didn't hurt anybody. Her husband had sinned. Would it have been a sin if she'd been involved? Was that it? Could she be jealous of the fact that everybody in the world but her was having fun having sex? "Take me home."

"Fine." Susan started the car and they drove the rest of the way quietly.

Cathy got out of the car, mumbled "sorry" and walked to her door. Susan waited till she was inside before she drove off.

"Should we have made sure she made it to bed?" Lisa asked.

"I don't think she would have wanted that."

"I guess that explains why she didn't want to have anything to do with us."

Susan slammed a fist on the steering wheel. "She has no right to judge us. We aren't hurting her. I don't know about you, but I'm not worried about my relationship with Charles."

"No. I know. I may not be in love with James to the point where I'd want to marry him yet, but our relationship is certainly stronger than it was before."

"You want to know another thing that pisses me off?"

"What's that?"

"She said she saw us dancing naked. She said she saw us together. She said she saw us switch partners. She must have stood outside the door watching for seven or eight minutes. And now she's sanctimonious? She could have knocked or walked away."

"Mainly I think she's drunk."

"She wasn't drunk when she watched us. And you know what, maybe if they'd joined in, they'd still be married."

"I really don't think that was her fault. That's Tom. I think you were right when you said his problem was he couldn't let his wife be a nasty sex partner. You know what Cathy's problem is?"

"What?"

"She's jealous."

Susan thought about that for a moment. "Do you think?"

"Yes. She's never had anybody but Tom. He enjoyed nasty sex. I think you and I are living proof that nasty sex can be sex at its best. I think she knows she's missing something. She's not sure what, but she knows there's more than what she's had in the past." Lisa smiled. "And, I think she figured out we were enjoying some things she wasn't. She's jealous."

"Maybe so. I know I shouldn't get mad at her. I wish I knew what to do now."

Three days later Susan's phone rang and she answered, "Hello."

"Hi."

"Hi Cathy."

There was a stretch of silence. "I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize."

"I was drunk and might have said some things I shouldn't."

"It's okay. Just don't judge us."

Silence. "I don't want to lose you as friends. You're the only friends I have."

"Oh, Cathy, there's no reason for you to lose our friendship."

"I don't judge you. I know I'm naive and don't know much about sex. I was mad at Tom, not you."

"Cathy, it is just sex. It is fun. I enjoy it. Lisa enjoys it. We may do some unconventional things, but we enjoy it and we don't hurt anybody. We've never tried to drag you into our evil ways."

Cathy laughed. "I know. I'm sorry I peeked at you. I should have turned away. I was just so shocked."

Susan laughed. "I can understand that."

"I guess you couldn't wait for me and Tom to leave."

"That's not fair. I asked you to stay." Susan was a little guilty at the thought that she'd been careful to make sure they couldn't. "If you had, we wouldn't have done that."

"It doesn't matter. I just called to say I'm sorry."

"It's okay. We'll have another night out sometime when you're ready."

"I think I'd like that."

There was a stretch of silence.

"Cathy, don't hate us for what we do."

"I don't. Really, I don't. It's just still so weird to me."

"I can understand that."

"And... "

"And what?"

"I just wonder..."

"Wonder what?"

"I know it is none of my business..."

"Cathy, we're friends. I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody else what you saw, but if you wonder about something, I'll either tell you or I'll tell you I'd rather not discuss it."

"I wouldn't tell anybody. I know it is nobody's business."

"So what is it you wonder?"

Cathy laughed quietly. "So many things, but mainly, you don't mind your husband having sex with other women?"

"I don't mind Charles having sex with Lisa."

"Even if you're not there?"

"Well, usually I'm there and if not, it wouldn't bother me as long as I knew about it. I trust them both."

"See, that's weird."

"Well, it may be, but it works for us."

"And who am I to judge. You're still married."

Susan was quiet. She had no response to that.

"Another thing," Cathy said, "and you can tell me it is none of my business, how long have you and Lisa been... you know... ?

"Been having sex? Together?"

"Yeah, I mean... how did that start?"

"A few months. It just happened. We realized it would be something we would all enjoy."

"I thought maybe you had been lovers even in high school and I never knew."

Susan laughed. "No. Just a few months. But, that is partly how it got started. We both confessed that we'd wondered what it would be like to have sex with each other."

Cathy thought for a moment and realized with a start, that she'd wondered, just on an intellectual basis what sex with a female would be like and could even remember thinking specifically about Susan. It had only happened when she had reason to thing about same person sex.

"Do Charles and James... ?"

"No. I think men are wired different. I think women are more flexible in that department for the most part."

"But how did you start. I should have been able to be what Tom needed. I followed his lead."

"Cathy, what we do is nothing like what happened to you. Charles and I enjoyed nasty sex with each other before Lisa and James got involved. Tom is the one that wouldn't share that with you. We would not have stayed married if either of us went outside the marriage to find what we call nasty sex. Quit beating yourself up over Tom's failure."

"Oh, I know, but..."

"But what?"

"What about next time? If there is a next time. What do I do?"

"Cathy, you do what you're comfortable with. You don't have to swap partners or be with a woman or do any of the other nasty things that are possible unless it is something you enjoy. I think, once you're back out there, that you'll find that guys will appreciate a lady with lusty desires. You'll scare some off and some won't want to marry you and to those you say good riddance."

"That's what Tom did isn't it? He found somebody who for some reason he wasn't afraid to be nasty with."

"Your marriage with Tom had other problems and we're through talking about it, okay?"

"Okay."

"Look, I don't want to know about your sex life, but you have to decide in your own mind what you enjoy and what you want to try to see if you enjoy and what you absolutely will not try."

"But, Susan, I don't even know what there is."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't. I've never done anything."

"You've had sex, right?"

"Of course."

"Just straight missionary, man on top sex?"

"That's all. Ever."

"Really? You never got on top. He never went down on you?"

"Nothing." Cathy blushed to say, "Just him on top a couple of times a month."

"Oh, girl, you are better off. Have you ever thought about doing other things?"

"Yes. Especially lately."

"What do you mean, lately?"

"God, this is embarrassing to talk about."

"Then don't. It's up to you. But, this is what girlfriends are for. To talk about sex."

"You and Lisa always did talk about sex."

"Yes we did. We still do. And now, so do you and I."

"There's nothing wrong with that, is there?"

"Of course not. We're adults. Sex is a very strong drive and it is fun. It is fun to do and to think about and to talk about. Lisa and I talking about sex is what got us together."

"What in the world were you talking about?"

"Nasty sex."

"See, you say that and it sounds like fun."

"Say what?"

"What you just said."

"Can you not even say that phrase."

"Oh, alright, you make 'nasty sex' sound fun."

"Contrary to what your mom and your priest may have told you, nasty sex is fun. And the best thing is you don't have to buy special shoes to enjoy it."

Cathy laughed. "I really am hung up, aren't I?"

"Doesn't sound like you're hung up so much as just lacking in opportunity."

"What else do you do that is nasty sex?"

"Hmmm, now you might be getting into something that I'd be uncomfortable talking about."

"Why? You and Lisa talked about nasty sex. Why can't you talk to me about nasty sex."

"Okay. I guess you're right. So, Cathy, what is the nastiest thing sex-wise you've ever done?"

"Uh... I asked you first."

"Yeah, but I'm not sure you really want to talk about it. Besides, what's nasty to me might not be nasty to you or vice versa."

Cathy laughed. "Anything is nasty to me. Okay,... nastiest thing I've done lately is play with myself."

"Oh, my. You mean you touched yourself?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

"What do you mean where? You know where. Down there."

"Down there?"

"Yeah, you know what I mean."

"Cathy, if we're going to talk about nasty sex, we need a vocabulary. It is not nasty to say 'down there.' What do you call your 'down there' when you're thinking nasty."

"I... god, this is emabarassing..."

"But, kind of exciting, too?"

"Yeah, I guess so. So, I guess I touch my... pussy."

"Yes. You do. You touch your pussy. I touch mine, too."

"And you touch Lisa's."

Susan was quiet.

"Oh, Susan, I didn't mean that bad. Really. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. I don't mind talking to you about this stuff... I enjoy talking about sex, but preferably with someone who enjoys it, too, and for sure only with someone who won't judge me badly."

"I promise I don't think badly of you. Look, I told you how I played with myself. I got turned on thinking about the things you and Lisa did, okay?"

"What do you think about that? The fact that I touch Lisa's pussy and she touches mine?"

"God, I'm so naive. What do I think? I don't know. This is all so strange to me."

"Well, you know what? Even this awkward conversation we're having is turning me on a little. What do you think about that?"

"Really? Talking to me like this turns you on?"

"A little."

Cathy sat there for a moment and thought about what she was feeling. She realized that not all of her feelings were of embarrassment and nervousness. She could also tell that she was starting to get the first feelings of arousal. Used to, when that happened, she would turn her attention to something, cleaning house maybe, to get it off her mind. It was a release to realize that she did not have to try to escape the feelings. She could even enjoy the feeling. And, well, if it led to her playing with herself again. She could do that and nobody would judge her badly. That was a liberating feeling.

"Okay," Cathy said, "I guess I understand. I feel it a little, too."

"Cathy, I love my husband and making love with him is the greatest thing in the world. I also love sex. A lot. I enjoy doing all sorts of nasty things to enjoy sex and so does Lisa. Talking about that is what first got us involved together. We just don't believe that what we do hurts anybody. And believe me, we have lots of fun."

"What do you do?"

"I don't think I'm comfortable talking about that with you in detail. Frankly, I'm afraid you might judge me."

"I understand. I don't think I would. Susan, I know I've been frustrated in my sex life. I never knew how and no idea exactly why until lately. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me, that I was not supposed to be that interested in enjoying sex. I'm starting to realize that I was wrong about that. I'm just trying to learn."

"Learn?"

"I guess I feel like I need to catch up."

"I think the only thing you have to learn is how to accept and enjoy your feelings. Fantasies never hurt. You're smart enough to be safe about it. I guess that's why we play with Lisa and James. We can safely explore and enjoy what might otherwise just be fantasies."

"I don't have fantasies."

Susan laughed. "Yes you do. Or, you wouldn't be calling me."

"Susan, this is hard for me."

"Then hang up the phone or change the subject and we'll have lunch sometime. We'll talk about other stuff. You don't have to talk about this. I'm not trying to seduce you."

"I know. Please be patient."

"Look, when you masturbated what did you do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Okay, I'll ask in detail. Were you naked?"

"I got that way."

"On your back, the way you've always had sex?"

"I started that way."

"Oh, you started that way, but did something different?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"I... I... I got on my hands and knees."

"And you'd never done that before?"

"Never. It's always been under the covers and not even naked."

"And was it exciting to be naked and on your knees while you touched your pussy?"

Cathy felt a surge of arousal at those words, naked and pussy, and at the memory of being exposed in the daylight to herself on her knees. "Yes. It was. It was more exciting than usual. I... even... I looked at myself in the mirror."

Susan was getting turned on imagining her friend. "You looked at your pussy?"

"Yes. And... "

"And... ?"

"Nothing, I just looked, that's all."

"hmmmm... okay, listen, we've been friends a long, long time. You have to tell me. What do you think about the things Lisa and I do? Please tell me the truth."

"Susan, my life has been so screwed up and I never even knew it. Everything I thought existed, doesn't. Before, I would have said that if a man and a woman love each other there could not be anybody else involved in their sex life. I think that Tom and I and then you and Charles have proved that's not true. If you and Charles enjoy what you are doing, I cannot have a problem with it, and I don't. You have to understand it remains very strange to me, but then I guess everything is."

"I can understand that."

"I would probably always be too embarrassed to have group sex."

Susan laughed. "Well, at least you didn't say I was going straight to hell for it."

"No, I'm really not qualified to make that judgement."

"How about the fact that Lisa and I engage in sex together?"

"I've known you both since high school and that makes that one really really weird. Have you ever done that with anybody else?"

"Yes. In college. I'm not a lesbian, you know."

"Okay."

"Look, I enjoy looking at sexy people and I enjoy touching and being touched by Lisa. I think a big part of it is that it is kind of kinky. Understand?"