Chapter 1

“So, this is the famous Kari Wuhrer, eh? How have things been for you of late?” I spoke from behind the sultry screen siren, known for iconic roles such as Maggie Beckett in Sliders and Allison from the Prophecy.

“Yes, that’s me. What can I do for you?” the actress looked up from her table on the outside patio section of the bistro, the look on her face surprised that she was even speaking to me.

“Actually, it’s a proposition of mutual benefit, Kari. You don’t mind if I call you ‘Kari,’ do you? I have ideas that can actually make your life so much better, and in return, you can help me achieve my personal goals in life. It’s amazing what all you can achieve if you’re willing to cooperate with the right sort of people,” I grinned, sending a visible chill up Kari’s spine, but she didn’t slap me or show obvious umbrage ... just a mix of excitement, curiosity, and fear.

“Okay, I’ll bite. This is surprising to me, because I don’t generally just listen to random strangers who seat themselves at my table in a cafe in the middle of San Francisco. I don’t even know how you found me. Yes, you can call me ‘Kari.’ For reasons that are unclear to me, it just makes sense. Who are you, in fact? How could you possibly help me?” Kari probed, triggering a chuckle from me.

“A little more on that later. What I’m telling you now is that I offer the key to real freedom from the kind of traditions, social mores, and taboos that hold you back in life. Religious morals with no real depth or purpose to them, despite pretenses otherwise by society and its many prudes. Silly doctrines imposed on us all by the clergy and our ancestors. Anyway, pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name,” I beamed and winked wickedly at Kari, giving her a chance to figure it out if she could.

“But too much ... sensuality can be bad, I mean, you know ... exploitative, objectifying, right? I mean, not to be sex-negative, of course. Sex is great, sensuality healthy, but isn’t there a danger that ... let too loose, it can turn people into sex objects?” Kari retreated uncomfortably into the kind of Third Wave feminist tripe that reflected, in her case, her insecurity about her body image caused by too much emphasis on breast size in popular culture.

“Nonsense. Again, that’s a kind of prudery that one should be careful to avoid. It is, in fact, very sex-negative. Very unnatural. Case in point, Paula Zahn acting uncomfortable with the label of ‘sexy,’ when clearly, she was and intended to be exactly that. As you said, sex is natural, healthy, and the notion that exploitation and objectification are inherently bad is one of my issues with Marx. He got a several things right in my book, but he blew it on that point. One shouldn’t seek to restrict sexuality and sensuality, but exult in them.

“Sure, there’s exploitation, but it’s not one-sided and it is mutually beneficial. The porn starlet and prostitute both are exploited and objectified, but they exploit the viewer and the john in return and objectify them as well. The john and the Sugar Daddy treat their companions as sex objects, true, but the prostitute and the trophy wife view them as money objects, and neither is immoral, at least in my own view. It’s a reciprocal, symbiotic arrangement, not a parasitical one. The stripper is another case in point. Are strippers and Chippendales exploited for their sex appeal and objectified? Yes, but they then exploit and objectify the audience for their cash. It’s only natural and what people have done for centuries.

“How many famous seductresses are celebrated throughout history? They, too, were objectified and exploited, but they still managed to gain much in turn from it. Cleopatra VII, Catherine the Great, Giulia Farnese, Lucrezia Borgia, Madame de Montespan, Anne Boleyn, Bessie Blount, Madame de Pompadour, Madame du Barry, Empress Josephine, Mata Hari, just to name a few throughout history, of course. It’s a noble tradition, if you ask me. The men gain pleasant company, physical pleasure, and healthy diversions from stress, while the women gain influence over what matters concern them most. It’s noteworthy that the men still held the cards, but the women were able to achieve much despite this, yet only in those affairs that were important enough to motivate them.

“It’s no accident that prostitution is seen as the world’s oldest profession. Just one man’s ... or one devil’s, in this case, take on the matter. You see, my dear, what I want is your soul. Eternally. Yes, you’ll be damned, but you’ll receive pleasures that you could only guess and a total emancipation from the mass priests, fundie preachers, prophets of political correctness, and other forces that would hold you back from truly embracing and enjoying life and happiness. You won’t be tormented, despite what that anthology of novellas, letters, fairy tales, sermons, and rambling thoughts called the Bible told you. You’ll get to experience true bliss like you’ve never imagined all of your days and have a true purpose and vision, to set others free,” I explained to a truly stunned Kari.

“My ... soul? So ... you’re the Devil? Satan is real? Hell exists? But I wouldn’t be burned? But why would I want to renounce God forever and take a chance that you’re telling the truth? Why give up any chance of going to Heaven for all eternity? This is a very shocking idea, that of willingly damning myself, basically selling my soul, making a pact with the Devil himself. I wasn’t too sure if God existed, let alone Satan, to say nothing of Heaven or Hell, but now I’m very worried about the fate of my soul. I’m just very shocked and confused right now. What exactly do you propose here? What would I do, how would I serve you, and why should I do so, Satan?” Kari clearly believed me to an extent, but didn’t quite comprehend why, let alone ascertain my true name yet.

“Well, first off, I’m not Satan. That old fellow’s dead. He tried to start the Apocalypse early and failed, ensuring that there will be no Apocalypse in the process. It’s like that bit in Rapture Palooza, but not quite as cool as shooting Jesus down with a laser beam gun. Jesus and Jehovah both did die, though, Jehovah first, Jesus soon afterward from his festering, reopened Crucifixion wounds. If Jesus and Jehovah had listened to me in the first place, that wouldn’t have opened. I counseled them against this, they objected, and that was just one of many instances where I disagreed openly enough to be forced to join Lucifer in his revolt,” I clarified as I ordered a Reuben sandwich for me and a club for Kari, knowing her preferences ... both of us getting iced tea and fries as well.

“That pesky omniscience still stopped us back then, but then Satan hatched his new plans in Hell, where even God can’t see, by definition. And he came up with a real doozy of a plan, which almost worked. Funny thing, if Jehovah was omniscient, why didn’t he realize the dangers of the Crucifixion/Resurrection plan, too? I never quite grasped that. Sometimes, I honestly think that the omniscience business was just hype. Plenty of things that he should have foreseen, and shouldn’t it by definition have reached Hell, too? That whole mishmash just doesn’t make sense, not when you think of it.

“In any case, I’m Asmodeus, formerly a celestial being, an angel, that is, then a demon, then an incubus, then Prince of the Incubi, then a human being for a short time while banished from Hell for not kissing Satan’s ass enough, and now King of Hell. Yes, that’s right. Hell’s under new management, and one of my first orders of business was to abolish the unconditional torment policy, where all damned souls get roasted and otherwise tortured for eternity. I think that Satan just did it for spite, as a way to get back at Jehovah for kicking him out, and because frankly, Satan was bitter. He was somewhat better than Jehovah, but not by much. Jehovah was planning to fry him, so why not fry everyone else?

“I’m about pleasure, not pain, unless pain brings pleasure somehow. I even used to sneak flame retardant, ice water, and snacks at times to the damned if I thought that they had some redeeming virtues, which was part of what led up to my exile. I couldn’t do it as much as I wanted, but now I don’t have to sneak around. I set the rules down there now. Trust me, babe. You won’t suffer. I’ll see to that, unless you betray me, of course.

“Now, as to what I want you to do, that’s simple enough. Run for Governor of California, becoming the third actor and the first woman to win that office. Yes, you’ll win, babe. No doubt of that in my mind. In the meantime you’ll give me an inside track to the souls of so many powerful public and private citizens, from actors to philanthropists to singers to businessmen and businesswomen and lawyers and labor organizers, etc. Once you’re in, you’ll push the agendas that I favor, whatever these will be. You’ll be my puppet governor, the first of many. Before too long, I’ll have a whole state under my control, and that’s just a start, of course.