Chapter 9: Strain

Chapter Cast:

Darren, Male, 53
- Narrator, retired, father of Gwen and Victoria (Vic)
- 5’11, beige skin, 195lbs, cropped greying brown hair
Audrey, Female, 15
- High school student, daughter of Duncan and Theresa
- 5’9, pale skin, 135lbs, light-green eyes, straight auburn hair over her shoulders
Gwen, Female, 15
- High school student, daughter of Darren, sister of Victoria
- 5’5, beige skin, 130lbs, shoulder-length wavy black hair
Victoria (Vic), Female, 14
- Eighth-grade student, daughter of Darren, sister of Gwen
- 5’3, beige skin, 115lbs, wavy neck-length light-brown hair
Duncan, Male, late-60s
- Father of Audrey, husband of Theresa
- 5’7, pale skin, 175lbs, dark-brown cropped hair
Theresa, Female, mid-50s
- Mother of Audrey, wife of Duncan
- 5’7, pale skin, 150lbs, shoulder-length auburn hair

The next couple of weeks passed like warm lava slowly flowing down a mild slope. I still hurt deeply for the loss of Audrey. I missed her texts. I hated not waking to see a message from her. I felt the hole in my world each afternoon no call came around the time she’d have been leaving school and before her softball practice. I heard nothing from her, and it slowly sank in that things were going to be that way forever.

I suppose I recovered somewhat. I didn’t sleep on the couch after the first few days. I ate regularly, if without much appetite. I went back to my afternoon scotch and cigarettes. My daughters and I had normal conversations. Audrey didn’t come up again, and I suppose that’s what I wanted given that I had no way to change things back to how they’d been.

How had one week with Audrey been such a big impact on my life? How had I, so quickly, come to want to see her, to hear her, to hold her in my arms? How could such a short period of time make me miss her so strongly? Maybe, I reckoned, it was the loneliness I’d integrated as part of what was normal in my life. I had my daughters, that had been more than enough before. Audrey had given me hope that there could be more. So much more. Being without it made the old normal feel empty and cold.

I knew things would get difficult again soon enough. I still hadn’t made a decision about going to Buffalo when the time came. And beyond that, just a month and a half away, I knew Audrey was still going to be moving in next door with her grandparents, and I couldn’t imagine how difficult it would be to see her from my porch without being able to rush up and hold her in my arms.

I don’t know where I found the strength, but one afternoon during the second week of May I found myself by the pool making a phone call. Vickie had been cleared to go back to school the previous week, and both my daughters were there around lunch time as I pulled out my cell and called Theresa.

“Hello?” The woman answered.

“Theresa, hello. This is ... this is Darren.”

“Darren. Oh, Darren. It is wonderful to hear from you...”

“You as well...”

“Everything okay?” she asked.

“As well as can be, I suppose.”

“Yeah ... I understand.”

“How are you doing?” I enquired.

She was silent a moment then answered, “As well as can be...”

“I’m so sorry, Theresa. How, uh ... how is Duncan doing?”

“Not well ... He’s starting to get to that point, Darren. He’s pushing us away.” I could hear the anguish in Theresa’s voice.

Duncan had been serious when he’d said he didn’t want his wife and daughter to see him in his final days, that he didn’t want them to see him dying like that. I could not imagine how harsh that must seem when all you want to do is bring comfort to the one who is suffering. Duncan, of course, understood that. To him, the suffering was for those who had to watch. I admired the man’s strength in doing something which must be frightening and lonely in order to spare those he loved.

“Is there, uh ... is there anything I can do, Theresa?”

She breathed heavily into the mic. I wondered if she was trying to keep from crying. “Are you planning to come visit?”

I let out a long breath. “I ... I hadn’t made any plans...”

“Oh ... oh,” the disappointment was clear in the woman’s tone.

“Theresa, this is ... this is really hard, right now.”

“Believe me ... I know,” she replied.

“Yeah...”

“She really could use your support, Darren.” There was no need for Theresa to tell me who ‘she’ was.

“We’re not together anymore—”

“But she still cares about you!” Theresa’s voice grew stronger and she sounded somewhat angry. “And I damn sure know you still care about her!”

“Yes ... yes, I care about her.”

“Then, dammit, show her! Show me!”

“It’s not that easy—”

“No, it is not! But you didn’t let that stop you from falling in love with her, Darren. What is stopping you from supporting her when she really needs you now?”

I swallowed my emotions and was honest. “I still love her, Theresa. I still love her. And if I see her again ... I can’t risk hurting my daughters again. I can’t risk hurting Audrey. I won’t do that to her. I can’t do that to them.”

Theresa was quiet. I imagined she was chewing her lip trying to formulate the right response. Instead, she said simply, “Do what you think best, Darren. I must go.” Theresa hung up the phone.

I sat back on the chair and swam in distress and fears and my love for Audrey. Gwen had given me her blessing. Vic, too. And Joyce. And Theresa. What was holding me back? Was it really so simple? That I could just go to Buffalo and be Audrey’s friend? That all the hurt from the previous weeks could just be swallowed and ignored while her father died? That I wouldn’t feel the loss of my lover all over again?

Theresa was right. They were all right. I had to go. I cared about Audrey and she needed me. Whatever else happened in my life, whatever I’d lost from what the two of us had before, I didn’t want to lose Audrey’s friendship. I might always feel the pang of heartache to have lost her intimacy, the deep personal connection to her, but I couldn’t, no, I wouldn’t, let our friendship die.

I reached for my cell and pulled up the contacts. Audrey’s smile lightened me just a touch as I pulled her up. I tapped the call button and waited while it rang.

It went straight to voice mail. It felt anti-climactic. I don’t know what I expected. It was just past noon on a school day. I couldn’t bring myself to leave a message, so I hung up.

It was a surprise to see my phone light up thirty seconds later. Audrey’s smile, captured in a happier moment, was on my screen. I answered and said, “Audrey?”

“Yes...”

“Audrey,” I repeated. Just hearing her voice was such a relief I couldn’t get past it a moment.

“Yeah ... it’s me.” She waited for me to speak, but I was unable, so she prompted me, “You, uh ... you called me just now...”

“I did. I did. Audrey ... I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. For everything. But I didn’t call about ... the past.” My voice grew softer. “I talked to your mom, just a bit ago ... I understand your dad is ... not well...”

“Yeah. It won’t be long...”

“God, Audrey ... I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks.”

“I need to ask you something,” I said carefully, “and, please, be honest...”

“Okay...”

“I’d, uh ... I’d like to come up ... soon, I think. Just to help out, if I can ... If that’s what you want. Do you want that, Audrey? Do you want me to come visit?”

She didn’t reply and the longer the silence went on the more I was sure she was going to tell me not to bother.

“Yes,” she said finally. “Please...”

“Okay. Okay,” I replied, “good.”

“What does this mean for us, Darren?”

“It means I really care about you and I want to be your friend. I never want to lose that, Audrey. Your friendship means the world to me.”

“Just that?” She didn’t exactly sound hurt, but it wasn’t hard to understand that it might have been a sting to hear it.

“It’s all I can offer ... I’m sorry.”

She was quiet again, then replied, “Okay. I’ll take it...”

“Good. I, uh ... I’ll let you know when I can be there. This week okay if things work out?”

“Yes. Next week, he might be...”

“Yeah,” I said, knowing how close Duncan was getting to his death. “I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks,” Audrey said quietly. “Darren?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you still love me?”

“I still love you, Audrey.”

“Okay.” She hung up.

It stung again to not hear her tell me she loved me. I thought I could read between the lines and infer that she did, but she hadn’t said it, and once more, even though I should have been moving past that need, it hurt like rejection to profess my love and not have it returned in kind.

“We fly up Friday night. You two come back on Monday. You can miss one day of school only. Deal?” I told my daughters after we ate dinner Thursday evening.

I’d booked tickets for all of us to fly up to Buffalo the next afternoon, and return flights for my daughters to come back on their own. I didn’t know when I’d be back, so I left my return itinerary undeclared. It was first class or nothing on the flights up, so I booked us all in the front. We often flew first since I could afford it, but it wasn’t a guarantee on the shorter flights. This one was long enough to care about comfort, especially with Vickie’s leg still in a cast.

I’d sent Theresa and Audrey a message asking if Friday was a good day to come. Audrey never replied, but her mother made it clear that it was fine.

“Deal,” Gwen said and her sister nodded, “I’ll go pack!”

Vickie hung back and said quietly, “Audrey is glad you are coming.”

“I hope so.”

“I talked to her after school. She’s scared, though.”

“Scared?”

Vic nodded and said, “About seeing you again.”

“That makes two of us.”

Vickie offered me a small smile, “You’ll do fine, Daddy.”

“Thanks, Sugar. Need some help packing?”

“Nah, I can get it. Plus, Gwen will help.”

I eyed Vic. “Your sister Gwen?”

“Yeah,” Vickie said, smiling again, “she’s been helping me some around school. Carrying my stuff when she can.” Even though Vic was in eighth grade, she and her sister attended a combined middle and high school which made it possible for them to interact during the day. Usually, it meant Gwen tormenting Vickie in some way.

“Is she feeling okay?”

Vickie laughed, “I dunno. I don’t mind her when she’s nice to me. Can you make her stay that way?”

“You know better than to think I can make your sister do anything she doesn’t want to do.”

“Yeah. Worth a try!” Vickie shuffled on her crutches out of the dining room.

Gwen was helping her sister? That was new. I wondered what had brought that on. Maybe she had taken to heart some of the things I’d said to her by the pool that night a couple of weeks earlier. Maybe it was just coincidence. Maybe Gwen had been replaced by a robot programmed to be nice to her sister. That made me chuckle, the first laugh I’d had in weeks. Maybe there was hope for me yet.

I drove the van down the highway after leaving the airport moments earlier. Gwen was beside me in the passenger’s seat, Vickie in the back with her leg propped up. We’d said little on the flight, and in the darkness on the road, it was still quiet.

I was anxious. I was driving to the hotel where I’d gotten a room for me and the girls, declining to stay with Audrey and her parents, mostly out of fear of being that close to Audrey and the intense emotions we’d shared there. I’d called Theresa to let her know we had arrived safely, and we agreed that my daughters and I would come for breakfast at their home in the morning. I’d called Audrey, as well, but she didn’t answer and hadn’t called me back.

I had no idea how that meeting would go. I’d have to see Audrey in person. I’d have to meet her eyes and see the harm I’d caused. It wasn’t Audrey’s fault. I’d been the one who should have seen what was to come. I’d let things happen and ignored how it would all come crumbling down.

Throw on top of that the fact that Duncan was nearing the moment when he would go to hospice and his wife and daughter would not see or talk to him again. That had to be a surreal wait, one full of despair and fear and regrets. I hoped both women were taking the time to tell the man how much they loved him. It would soon be too late.

The hotel looked brand new on the outside and I pulled up to the valet. The attendent was out of sight for the moment, so I started to help Vickie get out of the van. Gwen opened the back door and started pulling out our luggage. Unlike usual, she was even careful in setting her sister’s suitcase on the curb. Usually it was flung with a dramatic ‘oops’ cried out.

The attendant came back and took the van away. I checked in and soon the girls and I were in our room. Two queen beds were separated by a night stand. It was a prime suite, so it had a second partially-separated room with a big couch, two leather chairs, a desk, and a huge television. The girls jumped onto one bed, and I reclined on the other.

We ordered room service and while the girls ate burgers and fries, I picked over a salad with seared tuna. I was exhausted. I dreaded the following morning. I hadn’t felt so unprepared for something so important since I was a young man in college. I felt unbalanced, like I could tip over into paralysis at the slightest touch. The girls got into bed and we said good night as I flicked off the last light still burning.

“Dad?” Gwen’s voice called me out of my light doze. I think I’d just fallen asleep.

“Huh?”

“Are you scared? About tomorrow?”

I didn’t respond at first, then let out my breath, resigned. “Yes.”

“It will be okay. I know it will,” Gwen told me. “Don’t be scared.”

“I wish it was that easy,” I replied, my voice muted by drowsiness and numbness.

“I know ... I love you, Dad.”

I smiled. “Love you, Gwen.”

The girls ate toast from the continental breakfast line set up in the dining room of the hotel. I’d made them promise not to eat much since we were going to have breakfast with Audrey and her parents soon. I sipped my coffee and tried to calm down. Sleep had helped a bit, but I’d been restless. It was usually like that for me, the night before some big event. My mind wanted to keep cranking, turning over what-ifs and doubts and hopes and other such mental frivolity. I felt a step off from normal as I downed my first cup and filled my second.

I took it with me and gathered up my daughters, then had the valet bring the van around. I’d gotten the biggest passenger vehicle they had. I figured it would help with Vic’s leg, plus it would be nice to offer rides to everyone when they wished to go anywhere.

I drove the five miles or so to the house and pulled into the driveway. We were about five minutes early, so I had the girls wait with me until it was nine. I told myself the lie that it was courtesy, not cowardice, which made me wait.

The front door opened, and I saw Theresa stick her head out. She spotted the van immediately and waved. It was still three minutes until nine, but it would have been silly to keep sitting. I stepped out and closed the door.

“Oh, Darren,” the woman exclaimed, meeting me on the top step. Theresa looked like she’d aged five years in the couple of weeks since I’d left. I hugged her and she squeezed me tight. “It is so, so nice to see you!”

“You as well, Theresa. I wish it was under better circumstances,” I offered.

She glanced at me with sadness then tightened her lips, looking past me. “Is this your girls?”

I let go of Theresa and said, “Yes. I’m sure you remember Gwendolyn. She goes by Gwen now.”

“Hi,” Gwen said politely.

“Give me a hug, dear,” Theresa told her.

They shared a brief embrace, then I said, “and this one on crutches is Victoria. Bit bigger than the last time you saw her.”

“Hello!” Vickie smiled.

Theresa stepped down and gave my youngest daughter a quick hug. “Well, no reason to stand out here, please come in.”

The woman led the way while I went down to help Vickie up the stairs. To my surprise, Gwen stopped me and said, “I’ll get her. You go on.”

I stopped in my tracks, not fully trusting Gwen to honor her pledge, but she helped Vickie to maneuver up the first couple of steps, so I went on ahead and stepped into the house.

My heart was pounding, in my throat, and my eyes darted quickly around the entrance. I could see into the living room and kitchen, but there was no sign of Audrey. I smelled coffee and something meaty, and I wondered if my former girlfriend had made breakfast that morning. A pang of loss hit me, not the first time that day. I knew it wouldn’t be the last, either.

I stepped into the living room and motioned my daughters to sit down. I did the same. Theresa returned a moment later, crouching down to look at me, and then at my daughters. She looked very sad. “Duncan is sleeping, still. He doesn’t rouse much these days. We try to keep it quiet for him so he can rest.”

I nodded and rested my hand on the woman’s shoulder as a show of support. Her hand slid over mine and trapped it as if she needed that touch desperately.

“Where’s Audrey?” Vickie asked.

Theresa looked at my face, then down, “She’ll be around later.”

I don’t know if I felt relieved or more anxious to know our meeting would be postponed.

Theresa let out a breath. “Anyone hungry?”

The girls nodded, so Theresa led us to the dining room. She scraped out seared ham and a rich gravy along with biscuits, bananas, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. The girls ate heartily while Theresa and I picked around the edges of our food.

“What can I do to help out, Theresa,” I asked. “We’ll do anything. Laundry, dishes, make dinner. Anything.”

She nodded. “That would all be a help, thank you. It can be ... difficult ... to find the strength to do the simple things.”

“Which one of you is doing laundry?” I asked the girls.

“I will,” Gwen offered.

“And you’ll do dishes?” I nodded to Vic. She agreed, even with her crutches, so I said, “And I’ll be glad to make lunch and dinner, or at least go get it if you prefer. Anything else you want done, please tell us.”

“I will, thank you,” Theresa replied, “I should go check on Duncan.” She rose and left the table, her breakfast only a third eaten. I stared at the plate. This was going to be a hard few days.

I set the girls in motion once we found the laundry room. Vic and I left Gwen to start on that task while we returned to the kitchen. Vickie started stacking dishes to rinse, and I put Theresa’s plate in the microwave, in case she wanted it later.

A half-hour later, Theresa had not come back out, and there was still no sign of Audrey. I was tempted to send one of the girls down the hall to tap on her door. I really wanted to get that first meeting over with. It was tearing me up inside to have to wait.

I started to look for busy work. I had Vic dusting and straightening what she could reach on her crutches while Gwen swept and gathered trash. I wiped up a spill in the living room, then spent some time putting away spices and other supplies in the kitchen.

I found a notebook in a drawer. My eyes were drawn to where it read Audrey’s Secret Recipes in one corner. I picked it up, and started thumbing through it.

There were hundreds of hand-written formulas for everything from drunken meatballs to from-scratch ice cream. I saw a recipe for thai curry which featured Audrey’s comment that it was “one of Dad’s favorites!”

“No one’s suppose to look at those. They’re secret.”

I froze. I knew that voice. Slowly I turned and Audrey stood in the entrance to the kitchen. Her eyes were dark and sunken. Her hair was tangled and somewhat matted. She wore loose pajamas, two large stains down the front, another on a leg.

“Audrey,” I breathed, unable to look away from the young woman I’d once loved. Still loved. It felt like it had been years since I’d seen her. It took all my strength to stop myself from rushing to kiss her.

“Darren,” she said evenly. Her lip quivered. I didn’t know how to read that tick.

“How, uh ... how are you?” I sounded and felt like a dumbstruck imbecile.

Audrey nodded slowly, looking down, “You know...”

“Yeah,” I said, looking away from her, “I know...”

Audrey looked up at me and I saw the depth of her sadness. I knew in that instant that she felt what I felt. She was barely restraining herself from closing the spare distance between us.

Whether on cue or not, Gwen walked up behind Audrey and said, “Hey.”

Audrey didn’t acknowledge her a few seconds, just staring at me. Her lip continued to tremble. I’m not so sure mine didn’t do the same. Audrey blinked and sucked in her breath, then turned and said, “Hi Gwen ... thanks for coming to help.”

“Glad to,” Gwen said, looking at me. “Tell me what to do. I’ll help with anything.”

Audrey looked down a moment, “I don’t know, maybe ... laundry?”

Gwen replied, “Already working on that.”

“I’ll go change then,” Audrey said softly, then she looked in my general direction, “I haven’t washed these pjs in days.”

Audrey walked back towards her room and I felt like I could breathe again even as it came only with effort.

Gwen looked at me with a thin smile, “You okay?”

I tilted my head and shrugged to indicate that I didn’t know but didn’t think so. Gwen nodded, tried to smile at me, then headed back into the living room.

It hadn’t gone like I’d expected. Not like the hundred scenarios I’d played out in my head for days. Even in that brief moment where we were in the same room, all the old emotions boiled up. My heart pounded with love for Audrey, and it wasn’t just the context or the distance. I knew it was real, and that made it so much more painful to keep myself from giving in to it. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

I was feeling some tears threatening to come up so I took a deep breath and sat Audrey’s recipes back in the drawer.

Theresa came from the bedroom hallway just as I started to head for the living room. I turned to see that she was in tears. Before I could react, she said in cut syllables, “My husband is awake. He wishes to speak with you, Darren.” The woman wiped her eyes.

“Of course,” I replied, following as she turned back and led me to their bedroom.

I stepped inside. The room was lit by a single dim lamp near the bed. I saw Duncan on his back, thick blankets pulled over his body, only his head visible. Even with so little showing, I could see he had lost twenty or thirty pounds. His flesh hung loose from his face, his hair looked long and unkempt. He looked like he was about to die.

I glanced at Theresa as she stepped to the side. She nodded towards her husband, clearly trying to stifle her tears while she was in the room. “Duncan?” she said.

“Hmm?” The man’s scratchy voice answered, his lips not moving.

“Darren has come to see you.”

“Ah. Good. Darren.”

I stepped to the side of the bed and I watched as the man struggled to pull an arm from under the blankets. He got it free and reached out to me. I held his hand in mine and let it rest on the bed beside him. “Glad to see you again, Duncan.”