Chapter 1

I sat at the kitchen table with my head in my hands. Half an hour ago it was just a normal day, I had come in from work and hung up my coat, it hadn’t been a bad day in my little shop. Walking through to the kitchen I spotted the piles of clean laundry I had asked John to put away when I went off to work this morning. Picking up a pile of his clothes I climbed up the stairs. I knocked on his door and opened it without really giving it a thought.

“John, I thought ... I ... Told ... sorry”. I shut the door quietly and walked back downstairs with the pile of clean clothes.

Sitting at the kitchen table my mind relived the scene that had shaken my day.

When I had opened the door I saw my son John sitting on the bed kissing another boy. They had both been naked and had their hands on each others ... each others. “god,” I thought “Mandy will be devastated.”

Mandy had been John’s girlfriend for years and was always around at our place, she was a lovely friendly girl. If John wasn’t home for some reason she would sit and talk with me for hours of an evening.

After a while I could hear footsteps coming down the stairs, then the sound of the front door closing quietly.

“Mum?” John’s voice sounded nervous.

Looking up I tried to smile at my son, it was at best a shaky smile.

“I’m sorry John. I didn’t mean to barge in on you like that.”

“Mum I wanted to tell you. I have been trying to work out how to tell you but the time never seemed right. I never would have wanted you to find out like that.”

“Well now would be as good a time to talk as any. Is this a serious thing or just an experiment? Does Mandy know?”

John looked embarrassed.

“Mum, I’m gay, I’ve known it for years, and Greg is not my first boyfriend.”

“I take it that was Greg? you didn’t actually introduce us.” This time I managed a more genuine smile.

“Yeah that was Greg, I asked him to go for a walk for a bit, give us an hour to talk, then I will introduce you. I’m really sorry you found out like this.”

“Well it was a bit of a surprise I have to say. But you didn’t answer my other question, does Mandy know about this?”

John looked surprised.

“Of course she knows, I don’t keep any secrets from her.”

“No only from your mother.” I laughed wryly “So have you finished it with her?”

John chuckled as he looked at my confused expression.

“Mum, there never was an IT to finish, Mandy and I are just good friends. We found each other when we were both confused about what we wanted out of life.”

“She’s always spent a lot of time around here, she’ll find it hard to adjust to you being involved with someone else.”

“I expect she will still be around, unless she meets the love of her life that is.”

“So how long have you and Greg?”

“I met him about three months ago, we liked each other. A lot of people on the gay scene sort of hop into bed with someone on their first date. But with Greg things felt different, that was supposed to have been our first time together.” John had flushed a light pink during his little speech and my heart went out to him.

“Honey would you like me to go out for a few hours, let you have the place to yourselves?”

I wasn’t all that comfortable with the idea of my son being gay yet and I don’t want you to think I was almost pushing him into this Greg’s arms. But he was an eighteen year old man and had to make his own decisions, I just wanted him to be able to do what he felt was right for him in comfort and safety. Everyone had heard of gays being beaten up in the local parks at night. It had never seemed to be anything more than a distant shame to me before now. Now the idea that someone might want to hurt my John suddenly seemed a very real thing for me.

“Mum, we can’t ask you to do that!” John went even redder at the thought of his mum leaving the house knowing that he would be with his lover.

“No, maybe you can’t. But I think I will stop around and meet this young man and then leave you two until say 10pm. O.k.?”

John came around the table and hugged me.

“Thanks for understanding mum.” he said with a shy smile on his face.

I frowned a little as I looked at my grown up little boy.

“I’m not sure I do understand darling. But I do want you to be happy. If this is right for you,” I shrugged my shoulders slightly. “I guess I just have to process it, uh, adjust to it.”

He hugged me again and then gave Greg a call and asked him to come back.

When Greg got here he seemed to be even more embarrassed about being caught than John had. I gave him a hug as well and told it wasn’t a problem. Then I pulled on my coat again and went out again to leave them alone.

Once I got to the bottom of our drive I had the problem of where to go. I didn’t really have any close friends, not the sort you could drop in on unannounced and stop for the evening anyway.

I decided I might as well go to the shop, do a bit of tidying up, sort out a few orders, that sort of thing.

The shop is only a fifteen minute walk from home, A small gift shop in a tourist town. I make a comfortable living from it and love running the shop, picking out items from suppliers that I feel will be popular. I get quite a buzz from seeing customers walk away happily with the items I have selected.

Opening the shop I walked in and turned on a few lights. It wasn’t that busy really at the moment as the season was almost over but I found enough work to last me an hour. Finishing everything that needed doing I made myself a cup of tea.

It was while I was sitting staring into my tea that it sort of hit home. My son was gay, probably won’t be any grandchildren then, what would people say. I shook myself and told myself off on that one. What did I really care about what others would think. I couldn’t shake the thought that I had somehow let John down.

He never knew his father, I didn’t know him either. I was fourteen and got blind drunk at a party. Woke up with a hangover and a sticky mess between my legs. I sort of remember making out with a boy earlier in the evening, but it all went a bit hazy after that.

Five months later I finally got up the courage to tell my mother I had a problem. Straight to the doctors for the test and lo and behold I’m pregnant.

Mum hit the roof. Before the end of the day I was packed off to a maiden Aunt’s to stay there and have my bastard. I was supposed to put him up for adoption as soon as he was born and then return home so my folks could continue on as before and pretend that nothing had ever happened.

When my John was born I held him and fed him for the first time and knew that there was no way I was going to give up my little boy.

At that even my aunt kicked me out, well she told the council she was kicking me out but she wouldn’t really put me out until I had somewhere to go. I was fifteen and alone with a kid. The next few years were rough. I had no qualifications no way to earn any money. I got a council flat after only a couple of months when I hit Sixteen. My aunt made sure I had an unofficial roof over my head until they gave me the flat, so we got by.

The benefit payments never seemed to be enough to pay for everything I needed so I did the only thing I could do, I sold my body.

A neighbour would look after John for me four nights a week for ten quid a night and I walked the streets. It was the lowest point of my life in many ways, but at least I knew I was doing it for my John.