Harold: Profile

Harold has been writing since age two, but didn't turn his hand to erotic stories until age nine. He currently lives in a sylvan glen somewhere (he's not absolutely certain where) in the midwest and hopes someday to build a house there. In the meantime, he has had the glen tastefully decorated by competent professionals.


Harold holds advanced degrees in both obfuscation and bombast and was recently appointed Lord High Didactor to a small Latin American country. He feels he is particularly well suited to this post, since his inability to speak Spanish renders his decisions both impartial and unintelligible to the populace.
Despite his many accomplishments, Harold has suffered some setbacks. In a clear case of age discrimination, he was denied the Nobel prize for nit-picking in 1946 on the grounds that he was as yet unborn. Although the prize is awarded by Sweden, the ever-practical Harold has sued the government of Finland since he feels he has a better chance of winning against the Finns. Hard on the heels of this injustice, he himself was sued by Mensa for defamation. It was alleged that his many achievements promulgated the stereotype of Mensans as obnoxious, over-achieving busybodies. Harold has since filed a successful counter suit in the Superior Extra-High Court of Guano, claiming harassment by inferiors.


Harold's immediate goals are worldwide adulation and personal ownership of the moon. Longterm, he aspires toward immortality. "I will spend however long it takes to get there," he is quoted as saying.


Under his real name, Harold holds patents on seafood, oxygen, and megalomania.