I'm putting this here because I want to put it where other people will understand.
I first saw Amber Rayne in a Kink.com video; I don't remember exactly which one, but from then on I was totally obsessed with her. She wasn't the typical San Fernando Valley Porn chick: Blonde, big fake tits, a Jenna Jameson clone; she was what I would call uniquely beautiful. I have these porn crushes, and I know they're just fantasy, but Amber was simply someone special. If she was just a regular person and we had met, I think we would've been friends. We were both theatre trained, she had a passion for music, she traveled to New Zealand to visit Bag End from The Lord of the Rings, she was Harley Quinn (in a Justice League porn), she put together LEGO Star Wars sets and she went to comic conventions in cosplay; sounds like a perfect girl to me!
I didn't know about my proclivity for BDSM until late in my life. I mean I always had a kink in me, even as a teenager. But I didn't freely explore it because of the way I was brought up, and accept to myself that it was okay to have these feelings. I was jealous of Amber Rayne's ability to freely live her life as she did with BDSM in her life. Watching her Kink.com videos, made me feel I awe and wonder. It made me more imaginative; and it made me believe that the kinky thoughts I was having were okay to have and explore. I won't say that I was IN love with her, but I did love her in a quixotic way.
I only found out today that she had died. And I was completely shocked. I saw the news that she died from a cocaine overdose. I'm never one to deny or preach to anyone about their vices; Lord knows I have my own, but I wish that someone in her life would have stopped her and say, "We care about you. We all love you. You have family and friends who don't want to see something bad happen to you with drugs. Please stop for not only your sake, but for ours, because if the worst happens, we don't want you out of our lives". I see her Twitter posts and I feel sad for her friends and especially her family, whom seemed pretty tight knit. My heart goes out to her parents, sisters and nephew. And all her fans like me who thought of her as their dream girl, now she's our angel.
Meghan Wren aka Amber Rayne, we will miss you. <3