Thanks to all of you who wrote me during this, my darkest hour. I had so many notes of encouragement and surprisingly most all of the replies were from men. I can honestly say that I am in a good space now. I see the light at the end of tunnel and it is not a fright train. In fact I am the happiest I have been in years, I have gotten help from a counselor, friends, and joined a support group. I am so optimist about my life, as the marriage counselor said the last meeting I had with her, "he is a very, very sick person and he was making the marriage sick, and he was starting to make you sick too".
My desire for answers and to get to the bottom of what had happened lead me to a very strange place. The world of addiction, not mine, but his I was very blown away when the counselor suggested that my husband had a sexual/porn addiction. This could not be a real thing, right? In the past few months I have been to groups talked to counselors and recovering addicts and it is a very real addiction. Just like drugs or alcohol the sex addicts brain becomes "rewired" and the addiction can (and did in my husband's case) cause the loss of jobs, family, and devastation to family and loved ones.
Now, before you all get up in arms about someone writing about sexual or porn addiction on an erotic site, I want to point out that just like alcohol, prescription drugs, and gambling not everyone who takes or enjoys these things is an addict or become one, not everyone who enjoys porn or sex is going to become an addict. There are so many elements that go into someone becoming addicted to anything, but being in this world for a few months one reoccurring theme was insecurities. This is a real and growing addiction, and just like any other addiction the addict is usually the last one to know that they have a real problem.
I have forgiven my husband and can honestly say that I hope and pray with all of my heart that he will be OK. I am thankful for the 30+ good years we had, the family we made, and the good times and there where many. I am thankful for the love we did have and I am thankful that I have a heart big enough to still love him, but that is still open for new love. I pray that at some point he can come back into his daughter's lives and heal those relationships' that has been one of the things that I hurt most of all for him and the one thing that even other addicts have not been able to help me really understand.
Once again I just wanted to let everyone know that I did appreciate your kind words of support and to give everyone an update on how I was doing. My life is good and full and I even have some new ideas for Emma that I will be sharing with you shortly. I am even going back to school in the fall to start the long trek toward my PhD in Psychology.
Enjoy your life and be happy,