brightstar: Blog

Seems like ages since I last posted anything on this site. I still remember the euphoria I felt the first time something I ever wrote was posted online; that was LINF,and my, what a long time it has been.

I do have to apologize to those who may have started reading any of my unfinished works, especially LINF. Once in a while, I still get a little feedback from someone who'd stumbled upon the story, wanting me to continue. Then there is Fortune, and Looking at You.

I feel it is necessary to give account, sort of, of what I'd been up to and why I'd turned up so very little work lately.

And the simple truth is that life happened. I was a college student when I first wrote LINF and Fortune, and as per the course I studied, I had little time, which I devoted to making use of the creative juice God deposited in me. I wouldn't say I had all the time in the world then, but I got little time to write and I did.

But I have since graduated, and I now have a day job, which I must confess wasn't what I want. But, like everything else, much of life is stepping up when the situation calls for it and doing what you have to do, in order to achieve your life-long dreams.

And one of the sacrifices I have to make at the moment is working a regular job. I don't have anything about people getting work, but what I desire most of all is to be the guy employing people, bringing value to the world. That will require a bit of capital, which is one of the reason why I am toughing it out.

But other things have conspired to make me have little time for myself really. Mom has been suffering from High blood pressure together with diabetes and a few years back, she suffered some minor stroke. It was one of the scariest moments of my life and the thought that I'd even lose her; that really broke me.

My mom is the one of the few people in my life with my other sisters. So, the main reason I am actually working is because just as mom bled herself dry to train me in the university, I have to train my other sisters as well; it's in the contract I signed when I became a Big Brother.

In a roundabout way, most of my days now is filled with devising means to position my company to be a market leader in the IT market. Hence, the little time I have left for writing.

Now, Since I am in the mood to share, let me tell you what my life is like without writing; colorless. You remember those black and white pictures our fathers took then which you know would be much more if only it had color in it, well that's what life is for me now.

I think inside of us is that gift to be creative and when we have no outlet for it, we become less than ourselves. So, in a way, life has become less than what it should be because I am seriously under-utilizing this gift.

Now, as for my unfinished works, the only story that I see myself going back to finish is 'Fortune' which unfortunately is a big undertaking, but I've learnt that everything, no matter how big can be overcome by taking a step. So, maybe I will start with Fortune again.

But LINF, sadly like I mentioned before, is something I don't have the stomach to write again. I have written about two chapters of it which have not been posted but I can't bring myself to type one key again because of the way the story goes. LINF is a story very close to my heart and much of my life is entwined in it, so for me to conclude that it is a tragedy well, it just seems so formal that I don't have the stomach for it. I am hoping that the inspiration for the story will change but it hasn't for years now, and I would never imagine a world where I am comfortable writing my life's story in such a sad manner.

I know I may have piqued your interest a little bit but it's something I feel like I owe my readers; an explanation of why it may not continue. I could write a happy, sappy love story but LINF was never meant to be a happy, sappy love story. It was meant to help me exorcise the demons inside of me, the demons of my formative years, and maybe I can just find a way to move forward, and be happy.

I think I should stop here because I may have given out more information about my life than I ever wish to. Now, for a bit of favor, I really do need someone who could help me edit my works. I know that for the fact that I am taking the time to write the blog, I am going to really work at creating the time to start writing again. I want some color in my life again, and I would appreciate if an editor would help me on this wonderful journey again.

So, keep looking out for me, I may yet surprise you. Have a lovely day all, and thank you everyone who ever sent me a feedback. To my friend, MCGUY101, thank you for taking an interest in a young one like me. You may never understand what it means to me that you did. I hope all is well with you.

I've definitely read it all. You can't imagine the kind of feedback I got since I posted SLM. I think writing a cheating wives story one of the hardest things to do. I mean the exhaustion that goes with trying to imagine what the characters feel emotionally, believe me it's not something I want to subject myself to ever again.
In essence what I'm saying is that SLM is the only cheating wives story I will ever write. Because people have asked me for an ending, I think I'm going to brave it again and give the story an ending. Whether it is a happy one or not I don't know for now. I'm still trying to understand the intersection between love, marriage and infidelity. From what I have read and that"s from feedbacks that I received, many marriages aee sort of an arrangement where most of the participants are unhappy but just don't want to do anytghing about it. This doesn't help my views on marriage in any way.
Some of you have expressed some concern about some facts of the story. Truth is, SLM is from my imagination and most of the things I expressed in the story are particular to me. Some say that it is unrealistic of him to find women that would share his bed and I ask; is it that far-fetched? Others say that his financial background is outrageous, still I ask; is it that far-fetched. Even the rich have marital problems like everyone else. The other group says I stopped the story too soon. Well, that is the extent of my imagination at the time, so bear with me.
I should also mention that some responders gave me great advice and insight into what constitutes a marriage and I am eternally gratefull to them because they gave me what I was looking for. All in all, it was a great experience writing SLM but as great as it was, don't expect another story from me, except maybe the conclusion. As one responder wrote, I should leave writing to real authors. Well, I am leaving the writing and the reading to you. Enjoy it all.

For weeks now, I have not written a single word. I am not blocked, I just find myself staring at the keys of my laptop. I can see the words, I can visualize the reality I want to manifest but I just can't seem to lift my hand to start painting what I see.

More than a month ago, I lost my grandmother. She was old, 83 years of age and her burial was a celebration of life. It shouldn't affect me so much because as sad as it sounds, I wasn't too close to her. I grew up rarely seeing her, most times I saw her once a year, during Christmas periods when we went down to the village for the Festivities. Even when I was in the university which was closer to my village, I rarely went down to the village. I knew on some visceral level that she was family, but I guess I just figured that I had time to show her how I cherished the little time we spent together, that I had time to show her how much she meant to me.

She was the most spectacular woman I've ever met. She had the biggest heart I've ever seen on any body. I know that grand parents are supposed to have big hearts but her selflessness was too legendary in the whole village. She was the type that would go hungry to see you eat, the type that would pray for you no matter how many times you disappointed her. I could still remember the stories she told me. I could still remember her flightiness, she would be talking about one thing and then change to another without preamble. Oh, how it grated me whenever she did that. I guess that was one of the reason I didn't really get closer to her.

I shouldn't have been affected by her death. Not after all the troubles I went through to shield myself. I guess I was taken unawares. I knew on some level that she was going to die someday soon, she was old ever since I knew her, always complaining of one ailment or another. I just thought that if I didn't get close to the fire, I wouldn't get burnt by it. I wanted to preserve myself that I lost the opportunity to really know the most amazing person I've ever known. All for what? Self preservation?

I haven't found it in me to cry. No, my punishment would be easier because of it. I haven't found time to grieve yet. We buried her on Friday and I saw everyone crying, I saw her lying in that casket, without breath or form of life and I could feel my world collapsing. It's happening all over again. I never get the chance to know the people that would make my life easier.

I wanted to cry but tears came not. How could I cry? when I never even allowed myself to get close to her? I've been racked by guilt and a sense of loss. I wasted too valuable time for something that makes absolutely no sense.

But at the heart of it all, I have learnt one lesson that seems to be driving me crazy. Life's too short and I need to make the effort to know the people close to me. I need to allow people in, somehow. I want to take the risk and just let myself feel, but it's the most difficult thing I can ever imagine. I need to be more for my family.

I hope that talking about it will help. I hope that I will start writing again. I hope that I will be happy. I wish I could be less guarded, but Life Happens.

So, I have been writing again, after a short hiatus and it feels incredible to be doing so again. I'm discovering the magic that made me start 'Fortune' in the first place.
But I have been unlucky in other regards. I can't seem to get an editor and I really need one, as I have come to see. I can't post any more chapters of 'Fortune' without an editor going through it. I don't want to be one of those writers that do not take writing here seriously. I want to put out something out there that is rich in quality and plot. I hope you understand and I hope that I get an editor soon because I can't wait to publish the new chapters of 'Fortune'.
I wish I find one soon. Anyway, that's the update to all things related to 'Fortune'. May Fortune guide you in your Journey!!!

It has been a while now, especially after my 'Disappointed' blog fiasco which earned me more than a fair share of harsh criticism. I do not mind though, because it was what I needed to hear, though the harshness of the responses was blunt if I do say so myself.
But I did learn a few things from that particular fiasco; I do need an editor. Many responders stressed this fact that it became the first thing I looked for in a response. I've never been good at having someone go through my work but I think it's time for old habits to give way to new ones. It is after all a New Year.
Secondly, I need to finish all my stories before undertaking new ones. Sadly, I don't see myself taking up 'Looking at You' any time soon but as soon as 'Fortune' is done, I'm going to start with 'Life is not Fair'.
So, having understood these messages, I have taken steps towards making them work for me. I have sent Editor requests to some volunteer editors here on SOL but sadly, nothing has panned out. I have only just gotten two replies and they seem to not be leading to anything concrete. I have sent out another bunch of request and hopefully something will come out of them. Although, I must stress that left to me, I'd much rather work with a female editor. Nothing personal to the guys but having dealt with women most of my life, I find that they can be highly motivating. So, if you know any good female editor, please do not hesitate to let me know.
Lastly, I'd like to thank Mattwatt and Mcguy101 for their responses, especially mcguy101 for his patience and tact in his criticisms. I owe it to you and to myself to finish this story. If I do find an editor, expect the remaining chapters from me soon.
Thank you all and A Happy New Year to all of you.