Chapter 3: Peak experience

We fear our highest possibilities. We are generally afraid to become that which we can glimpse in our most perfect moments, under conditions of great courage. We enjoy and even thrill to godlike possibilities we see in ourselves in such peak moments. And yet we simultaneously shiver with weakness, awe, and fear before these very same possibilities.

Abraham Maslow

By knowing what exists, you can know that which does not exist. That is the void. People in this world look at things mistakenly, and think that what they do not understand must be the void. This is not the true void. It is confusion.

Miyamoto Musashi

With Carol pumping on top of him, I watched her face carefully. When she exploded in orgasm, he stopped holding his climax, and soon groaned. His hips pulsated as he came into her. They caught their breaths, and then he lifted her to his face, and I heard slurping. My God! He’s eating his own cum out of her!

When Carol and Curt sat up and slipped on their robes, I smiled and applauded. “Thank you for what you’ve given me, although it doesn’t look like it was that painful.”

“No, we can’t say that. Maybe pleasure and pain.”

I sat back, impressed by the way that Carol and Curt made sperm part of their lovemaking. How much planning had gone into creating a situation where it clearly had to have been transferred, but that I never saw it?

“Curt, a question for you. I guess this could be directed to a woman. How did it taste?”

“To be honest, Candace, I can’t really tell you. In the passion of the moment, I’m not analyzing to that extent. It’s more that it’s affecting all my senses. For example, when my love is on my face, I think the first thing that hits me is heat. That’s not quite right. Heat and humidity? No. The best I can tell you is it’s altered consciousness, or at least something in which I’m not aware of anything besides what I’m doing.

“But while my ex-boyfriend wanted sperm in and on me, he avoided touching it or kissing a body part where it had dried. I was scared to give him blowjobs, so that part didn’t come up for me to taste it.”

“I can’t understand, Candace, why a man would be afraid of something that his own body produced, and clearly isn’t waste. After all, sperm does create life. It’s hardly poisonous.”

Betty, Ray, and Iris

It was getting to be lunchtime. We went into a conference room, where a buffet had been set up. Nancy brought in some new people to meet me.

Betty was a petite, tanned, blonde who looked like she had just stepped off a fashion magazine cover. It took a little while to realize that she was in her thirties or forties, a quintessential MILF. Ray gave a sense of being gentle and supportive.

Another woman was with them. Iris looked and dressed amazingly like Betty, but younger. “We know what you’re thinking. No, I’m not her daughter. But to confuse things later, her son Charley is part of this menagerie.”

“It is fair, though, to say that I’m mentoring Iris. To be honest, I started sex work not because I needed the money, but because it excited me. I continued academic and other activities. At one point, I decided to get breast implants.

“How did those work out? Well, feel for yourself. They look beautiful, but given the techniques available, they are hard as a rock under warm, soft skin. Somewhere in there, though, I discovered that titfucking was a great deal of fun for me. I’m on the dominant side, and that gives me a lot of control.

“For you, though, the important thing is that titfucking usually involves spraying cum. Most often, it becomes what they call a pearl necklace on my shoulders and upper chest. Occasionally, someone does it on my face or in my mouth.

Sprayed? Scary, but it does sound like the woman aims it.

“From what I can see with you dressed, your boobs are good-sized, but smaller than mine. My guess is that they are big enough to tit-fuck. Thinking about it, Iris’ look like they might be around the same size. I’m mentioning this because titfucking may be a way for you to experiment while making the sperm go where you want it.

“If you would like, Ray and I will titfuck. He’ll do it a little with Iris.

“Wherever he finishes, the other blonde is going to lick it up. We hope you’ll see us having fun with it.”

Diane chimed in, “We’re not trying to desensitize you to the real trauma you suffered. We’re trying to give you happy alternatives.”

Joni

“This is Joni” My immediate reaction to Joni was that she was as stunning as Betty, and next, like Betty, she was older than the other women. Curt’s face lit up on seeing her. She sat on his lap. Carol got up and they exchanged a scorching tongue kiss.

“Candace, I’ve been a feature dancer for quite a few years. I do push the envelope, when sex acts are legal on stage, and when I’m mingling. There is a club in New York City, the Melody Burlesque, which is somewhere divided among lap dance, stage acts, and brothel. Something that I loved there wasn’t sperm exactly, nor was it bukkake. The dancer would go around the stage, spreading her legs, taking a tip, and having a series of men eat her for a little while. It was fun, but I did sometimes imagine they were coming on me. When I did that, I felt enormously powerful, bringing many people under my spell, but also giving pleasure.

“At some point, when I was mingling, I decided to stop spitting out cum, and swallowing it. Is it too mystic for me to say that I was becoming one with it? I was pulling it from the men and making it part of me? On a minor level, it was like natives eating the heart of warriors they had vanquished, to take the strength into their bodies. No, I’m not a cannibal nor do I want to be one.

Curt spoke up. “Joni taught me an amazing lesson. She was a featured dancer at the Blue Mirror. When I first bought champagne for her and went in the back, she showed me that she was an amazing kisser. I had a flash thought that I was dueling tongues with someone that sucked off lots of men. Her mouth was sweet, and I shook off that concern. A bit later, I had her legs over my shoulders as I ate her out, again a little wondering who had been there before. She let herself go and had climax after climax.”

“Don’t assume that lesbians do it best. Curt felt like the best lesbian I’ve known, just with a beard. I realized that he stopped every so often to kiss and lick my thighs, which really turned him on.”

“I thought about my budget, and then bought a giant bottle so we could go to a bedroom upstairs. We started out again, and I licked her to another climax. She asked me to fuck her, but I wanted to finish in her mouth. Later, I remembered her eyes, and that she really, really wanted to fuck.

“I’ll suck you, she said, but I have an idea to make it really naughty. Cum on my tongue, and then let’s kiss the stuff back and forth. It’s a wild sensation.”

“I wasn’t sure about that, but she turned utterly wild when I came and she started to snowball. If this was the reaction I got, I realized I’d do it again and again. I realized that it was silly to be afraid of my own cum, there was no bad taste, and as sweet as she smelled and tasted, that she had lots of men wasn’t a problem for me.

“Since then, I’ve learned that it’s naughty fun just on its own. It can really be nasty in a group scene when the woman takes it from one man and gives it to the other. Doing that doesn’t make me queer -- the intensity is from the woman, not the guy who came in her.

Desensitization

Before going back to the bedroom, Cathy spoke. “Candace, I had an idea, which Diane said is worth trying. Have you had dessert?”

“Not yet.”

Cathy and the Éclair

Diane came in with a covered tray. She removed the lid to reveal an assortment of decadent-looking pastries. In the center was a bow around several éclairs. “Candace, you can have anything but the éclairs.” WTF? What’s different about them?

“Go ahead.” I found some wonderful caramel cheesecake. Nancy handed me my usual milky tea. When I finished it, Cathy reached for an éclair. Rather than slicing it, or even biting into it, she started to lick one end, and then opened her mouth and began to caress it with her lips.

I realized what she was up to. It’s going to look like cum. Stop it! It’s going to be the custard that it is. I let myself giggle, as her head bobbed, and the pastry began to sag under her oral assault. She thrust it into her mouth and let the custard squirt out. Joni and Shelly jumped to it, slurping up the yellowish-white goo. Betty and Iris held me back, saying “No, you can’t touch the cum yet.” My giggles became outright laughs.

Diane kept her comment at the giggle level. “I guess that custard doesn’t threaten you as a surrogate for cum, does it? I thought it might work for some mild triggering, and then desensitization.”

“Diane, seriously, when I realized it would look like sperm, I did get a little afraid, but I calmed myself down with what I think you psychologists call self-talk. Oh! At the back of my mind, I had something of a flashback, but of something pleasant.”

“What was it?”

“The name of the last ice cream stand before you enter the National Park with the Little Big Horn.:

“Huh?” An obvious professional response.

“Custard’s Last Stand.” The room broke up.

“Seriously, Candace ... if I can stop laughing ... that might well be a useful technique for you. If you see sperm and it’s threatening, maybe you can associate it with custard, or mentally transform it.”

From éclair to creampie

“At Carol’s apartment,” Curt suggested, “let’s start by getting snacks and then relaxing in the hot tub.”

“We’d like to have you watching Carol and I while we’re making it in bed. We hope you’ll get excited enough to jill off. Cathy will be watching and jilling as well, so you don’t feel left out. Rather than my immediately eating Carol, we’re going to have her open her legs so you can see her creampie.

“That is probably going to bring up some anxiety. Try to verbalize what you’re feeling, but remember that you are protected both emotionally, from sperm, and from anything you don’t want to do.

“You also can have sex with the women. Start with one not having any contact with the men, but if you’re sure you want to try it, yes, do something with a woman that has sperm on or in her. It would be best, I think, if you called out before doing that. As far as I’m concerned, you are the priority. I’ll stop fucking if that’s what we need to do to make things safe.

We adjourned to Carol’s apartment. I realized that the two high-rise buildings belonged to the Foundation and contained theaters, offices, and living space. Carol started the hot tub pump and said it would be a few minutes until the temperature was right. She asked me to help get the bathroom, which some would call a pleasure palace, ready.

“I like to make this sensual in as many ways as I can. This cabinet has towels and robes, but, maybe more important, a heater. One of the nicest feelings I know is getting into a hot towel from being wet all over.

“Let’s get candles lit.”

“MRRP?” I looked down to see an inquiring Siamese and a regal Russian Blue.

“Candace, let me introduce you to Bajrakitiyabham, who is speaking. She permits us to call her Bajra. Her colleague is Brussja.” I received some head bumps. The cats jumped to the edge of the tub, apparently very used to their spots.