Chapter 9

The blaring of the alarm caused Robby to sit up abruptly. He scratched at his nascent beard then rapped the alarm off with his knuckles. He climbed out of bed and tottered off to the bathroom to attend to his morning business, grunting softly in discontent.

Looking at himself in the mirror, he saw a man who wasn't sure what to do with his life. He pulled down on an eyelid, checking his hazel eyes for he knew not what.

"What are you doing here?" he asked his reflection. His reflection had no answers.

Last night, it had all seemed so clear. Last night, he had all the answers. This morning? Not so much.

He pulled at the skin on his throat, looking for signs of his willing compliance, but there were none. He knew there wouldn't be; she'd spent far too much time being sure of that for there to be any lingering signs.

He heaved a sigh and went about preparing for the day. Maybe a long hot shower would make everything clear. Of course, it didn't.

He continued pondering his life over breakfast: microwaved sausage with scrambled eggs, hot coffee on the side. Last night, he was sure that Elaina loved him, whether she knew it or not. Today, in the bright light of day, he wasn't so sure. Was it love, or was he a ready meal on call? It was a nice parable, but could the lion truly love the lamb?

And what about himself? Could he be in love so soon? On the face of it, it didn't seem likely. His ambivalence about his feelings had him wondering if it was the dominance he really craved. He'd called her "Mistress" last night. What did that say about his state of mind?

He woodenly finished getting set for the coming workday, putting his dishes in the sink and gathering what he needed. He left his apartment, still unsettled in his mind.

His day didn't get any better after that.

He couldn't concentrate, and his coworkers were commenting on his distraction. He couldn't afford to be this distracted in his line of work, so he set the current project aside, promising himself he would put in twice the work later.

Robby knew he was lucky to have the manager he had, who knew his work well and cut him slack when needed. It wasn't all that unusual to see Robby sitting back in his office, his hands together like he was praying, his fingertips under his chin with his eyes closed. Robby was good at his job and often had to bring his intellect to bear. He got consistently good results and that was all that mattered.

He decided he needed a list, a way to visualize his problems and see the pros and cons. Pulling a fresh legal pad from his desk, he clicked his pen and titled the list: Elaina. He knew he would need to be careful here. He couldn't leave this list out where just anyone could see it. With that, he began to list the cons.

"Vampire" was too obvious but it appeared to be his main concern. Next was "dominance," although he felt ambivalent about that. He shook it off and continued writing. "Disturbance."

He dropped the pen and looked thoughtfully at the list. So far, the only item that was firmly on the con side was "vampire." He decided that he needed to investigate that further.

He flipped the page and wrote "Vampire" as the heading for the new list. He drafted a line down the center of the page and wrote "Bad v Good" above it. The first thing he wrote in the bad column was "bloodsucker," followed by "evil." This in turn was followed with "murderer"; that one gave him pause. Could the tiger be called a murderer when she brought down prey? "Mind control" came next, even though that wasn't completely accurate, nor that simple. He thought some more, then finally wrote "eternal life." He wasn't sure why he put that in the bad column, but he thought there might be a downside to living forever. His earlier concern about Elaina's sanity came to mind.

Having exhausted the possibilities of the bad column for now, he concentrated on the good column. The first thing he wrote was "live forever," placing it directly across from "eternal life." He could imagine being able to watch history unfold and watching over loved ones their whole lives. That brought up the thought of watching those same loved ones grow old and die. He became a little sad: Had Elaina done that? He moved on.

Next was "healing." He couldn't imagine that it worked for the vampire any less than it did for the prey. A sudden thought had him writing "sunlight" in the bad column. He wondered if the healing worked for sunlight damage. Further thought made him write "identity" in the bad column. How had she hidden herself over the centuries?

He returned to the good column and thought some more. So far, it wasn't looking good for the "good" team. Remembering the way she'd manhandled him, he wrote down "strength" and then "power," smiling quirkily as he did. He thought it was sexy the way she handled him, even becoming aroused as he recalled their night together. He shook it off with a shiver, getting back to the matter at hand. He knew there were a host of other minor points, but he felt he had the major points covered. He laid the pen on the desk and assumed the position his colleagues were familiar with, only this time he kept his eyes wide open. He contemplated each item on the list, debating its position in his mind.

"Bloodsucker." Sure, that sounded bad, but was it really? Humans in general were squeamish about blood-letting and considered blood to be sacred. He himself had no desire to allow his blood to leave his body. But then again, all living things needed eat something. He shivered and went to the next item.

"Evil." Nope. He decided to scratch that one off immediately. To the goat, was the tiger evil? Human used the label "evil" to sooth their fears. Predation in and of itself was neither good nor evil: it just was.

"Murderer." Robby made the sudden connection between that and "mind control." If Elaina had been able, he was sure she would have made him forget her, keeping things simple while she figured things out. So, that meant that a vampire had to kill in order to maintain anonymity. That didn't make him feel any better, but he believed he had a better understanding now. He circled the two points and drew a line connecting them to "identity," figuring he'd sussed it out.

"Eternal life." He drew a two-headed arrow between that and "live forever," then threw up his mental hands. That was a debate for another time, and would have no real bearing on today's debate. He crossed them out.

"Sunlight." Could he forego the sun for the rest of eternity? Perhaps, if the payoff were great enough. Thoughts of living forever floated through, and were just as quickly relegated to the ash bin. Elaina's smile surfaced and that made him grin. That could be an acceptable alternative. It dawned on him that he was thinking of Elaina as a reward for his acceptance. Perhaps his subconscious had already accepted her in his life.

He popped his eyes and scratched off "sunlight" for being unimportant to the debate.

Finally, "identity." Not to denigrate her success, but Elaina had done it for centuries, so maybe it wasn't as difficult as his intellect wanted to believe it was.

Now he contemplated the good column. He realized that "healing" only made sense in relation to prey surviving and so didn't apply here. It would only be a concern if he was a vampire. "Strength" and "power" fell to the same consideration. In retrospect, he saw that it was only the bad column that had any sway over his decisions. And that sucked.

He came to the realization that this whole exercise was about whether he could accept Elaina for exactly who she was: a vampire. All else was window dressing.

He dropped the second list into the shredder and went back to the first list. He looked at the first item there and read "vampire." Contemplating Elaina the woman took his mind off that and right to the next two items: "dominance" and "disturbance."