Victoria the Girl Who Hated Her Name
Chapter 4

Copyright© 2013 by Bob Gilfried

August 10, 10:52am

Bob,

Well, here's my account of last night...

I picked Brad up from his house. He looked very smart and very pensive. We were quiet during the journey to the restaurant. I felt sorry for Brad and tried to make light of it; I think he sensed this was going to be a tough night for the pair of us.

We entered the restaurant and the waiter showed us to our booth. It was right in the corner of the restaurant, very cozy, intimate and private and we both could look sideways and see what was going on in the rest of the room and we had a window overlooking the grounds and a wooded area, so very pleasant and win-win on that count.

There was a strained silence for some time but I eventually started the conversation by asking Brad to tell me about his own life. There wasn't much to it, but I sensed there was more, something he was holding back. I didn't push it as I could tell he was nervous. In fact, I was surprisingly calm.

Neither of us seemed to be too hungry, so we skipped a starter and ordered our main course. The food was good and the conversation during the meal revolved around work and talking about colleagues - safe ground. Brad stated the obvious "you must be missing Frank" which caused me to roll my eyes. That was not lost on him and he sheepishly apologized and it sort of broke the ice as well!

We finished eating and then ordered coffee. Brad cleared his throat and tentatively asked me if I wanted to begin telling him my life story. And so I began. I kept my emotions in check, simply told it how it was, almost as if I was giving a business talk. At one point the waiter came over and asked if we wanted the bill, must have 'read' our faces and simply offered us more coffee and left us to it. During the whole conversation, Brads gaze hardly left my eyes. He looked down at his lap during some of the more gruesome details, but he quickly looked back at me again. He didn't say a word throughout my account, but his face spoke volumes - even I could read the various emotions the poor lad went through.

I don't know how long I spoke, I really don't. When I finished talking, Brad struggled to speak. In the end, he simply said something like "Thank you for being so honest, I really don't know what else to say, but..." and he trailed off, looking down at his lap. I thought it best to leave at that point, so I suggested that to Brad, who merely nodded and I went to pay the bill. Brad tried to insist on paying but I refused, reminding him this as my treat (um, if it could be called that!). He didn't argue.

We didn't talk walking to the car, not did we for the start of the journey. I thought 'well, there's my answer, I've blown it with my honesty, never mind'. Between the town where the restaurant is located and the village where Brad lives, there's a viewing point that overlooks a valley. There's a large lay-by where people stop to have picnics and admire the views. As we approached this area, Brad spoke for the first time and asked if I minded stopping there. I was a little apprehensive about this, as it's in the middle of nowhere but against better judgment I did. It was around 21:00, so still a little light and we had the place to ourselves. Brad got out of the car and walked over to the edge of the lay-by and stared out at the view. I followed him. I looked at the view too - the sun was beginning to set and it was quite stunning and very peaceful. Eventually, Brad spoke again and asked me to sit with him on one of the bench seats. I did.

He looked at me and said it was his turn to speak to me and to please let him finish. I can't remember the exact dialogue but he told me several things. First he told me he'd fallen in love with me the first time he met me. That was the second day of his employment, when it was left to me to induct him on company health and safety policy (this is one of my secondary roles, in preparation for when Rich retires). He told me that I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen and how he was mesmerized by my eyes and voice (never had that one said to me before!). He then went on to say he couldn't possibly see how he was worthy of me, as he just worked in the electrical fab shop and I was a 'high-flying office person' (his words), and that he couldn't believe his luck when I agreed when he first asked me out on a date. I started to try and say something at that point, but he gently put his finger on my lips. I shut up.

He then went on to tell me he knew (via colleagues, I guess mainly Magenta) that something bad had happened in my past, which he explained was the reason he was being so careful around me. Then he added, his voice cracking up, that he couldn't believe the extent of just what had happened to me. He told me he couldn't understand how the hell I managed to cope as well as I did. He also went on to say that his respect for Frank had gone up another level too. Then silence for a while, as we both alternated between staring at the view, the setting sun and each other.

I started speaking. I told him I thought it was great that he loved me, but could he be sure of that; and by return I really liked him, but not loved him yet, that for me to love him would take a lot of time and that trust would have to be built-up first - he nodded at that, so I think he understood. I also bollocked him for thinking he wasn't worthy of me. I explained it was the person that mattered, not what he did for a job. He smiled at that, so I must have said the right thing! I finished by telling him that I'd like to continue going out with him, but that he'd need to be patient, that I would take my time to progress things and that I couldn't tell him how long that might take.

His answer was first a huge smile. "You really want to go out with me?" he said, disbelief in his voice. I replied that if he still wanted to go out with me after everything he'd been told that night, then yes, of course I did. He shook his head as it sunk in. He then went on to tell me he didn't care how long things took to progress; "I don't care if it takes years" he said. We were quiet again, but I could tell he wanted to ask me something, it was the way he kept looking at me, then quickly away again. I put him out of his misery and asked him what he wanted.

He blurted out "May I hold and cuddle you?" I felt just a little bit worried, but only for a few seconds, then quietly said "yes, I'd like that". He slowly and carefully put his arm behind me and drew me towards him. My head ended up on his chest. Then he placed his other hand on my head and stroked my hair and cheek. I have to say, it felt wonderful to be held again. It's weeks since Frank last held me like that - I was missing his cuddles - and right then I felt just like I did that first night Frank cuddled me in the motel room. I felt secure in Brad's arms and his hand gently stroking my face and hair felt so comforting. We stayed like that for some time - it was a warm night and I was in no hurry to move. After a little while I was aware that Brad was trembling slightly. I turned to look up at him and found him crying, silently. I asked him what was upsetting him. He just told me he still couldn't believe that I wanted to go out with him, couldn't believe that I let him hold me and that everything I'd told him that night had suddenly got to him. I think I began to trust him a little more and love him just a little right there and then.

After a few more minutes I said we'd better go, reminding him that he had work tomorrow (I have today off, so not a problem for me!). He reluctantly released me (I think he'd happily have held me forever!) and we went back to my car. I parked outside his house and he tentatively asked me in for a coffee, quickly adding that his mother was still up (I must confess, I smirked a little at the panic in his voice as he tried not give out the wrong vibes with his request!). I hesitated a little but then agreed.

His mother was indeed still up and asked if we'd had a good time but was still a little formal with me. Brad went to make coffee for us, but asked his Mum to join him as he had something to tell her, leaving me alone in the living room. I felt odd, like I was in a doctor's waiting room, waiting for some terrible results to be given to me. A couple of minutes later, Brads Mum walked back in and sat next to me, at an angle on the settee, facing me, all smiles and motherly looks - I couldn't believe the transformation. It was like looking at Columbia. She reached out for my hand and I let her hold it (though it felt odd at the time) and she explained that Brad had told her very briefly about my past. She went on to apologize for being a little frosty with me the last time she'd met me and just a few minutes before that night, but explained she was a little over protective wherever Brad was concerned and that she took my 'serious look' (I didn't realize I was doing it!) as me being aloof and snobby. She said she now understood that I was more likely nervous (again, I didn't think I had been, but maybe I was).

Then she went on to tell me something that floored me. She said that she couldn't begin to comprehend what I must have gone through, but that she could empathize with me to a certain extent; she told me her husband used to beat her regularly after coming home drunk. Then, one night, when Brad was about ten years old, apparently he wasn't content to simply beat her up, but turned on Brad too, breaking his arm in the process. That was the point at which the police were involved, his Dad was arrested and naturally, she later divorced him. The area where we all live is not where Brad and his Mum originally came from - they relocated and made a fresh start.

It explains why Brad and his Mum are fiercely protective of each other and it also explains why I had felt that Brad was holding something back earlier in the evening. Bob, I'd done so well up to that point - I hadn't cried at all, not when telling Brad my life story, or when we were talking and cuddling at the viewing point. But after what Brads mum had just told me, the floodgates opened and I cried my eyes out. I was suddenly aware of arms going around me and I didn't resist- Brads mum cuddled me like I was a little kid, rocking me, talking gently to me. It felt just like a cuddle from Columbia. I'd met this women just twice, but right then I felt an instant affinity with her. And that's how Brad found us as he walked in to the living room with a tray of coffee cups. I was facing him and looked at him through tearful eyes and he just smiled warmly at me - I think he liked that his mother and I had made that bond, I don't know, I'll have to ask him tomorrow (we've arranged to go to the flicks on Saturday).

I pulled myself together, feeling a little sheepish that I'd blubbed in front of a near stranger, but all I saw in Brads Mums face was warmth and understanding. We all talked a little and drank coffee. A little later, Brads Mum said "do you two love birds want to be left alone?" but as she said it, she looked squarely at me, not at Brad, to make sure that I was happy with that. I can't explain it, but I felt safe, as though Brads Mum was now looking out for me too, not just her Son. To answer her question, I told her that was up to Brad, as unlike me he had work tomorrow and that perhaps I ought to go (I didn't want to outstay my welcome, nor give any other bad impressions). Brad shrugged and she then left the room, but before she did, she invited me for lunch on Sunday. I looked at Brad, he beamed at me and I said to his Mum that I'd love to come and thanked her. Wow!

Brad and I spoke a little more, then I told him I'd better go so that he could get some sleep. He showed me to the door and we stood there a little awkwardly for a while. He then again asked permission to kiss me and I said yes. He headed for my cheek. I stopped him, grabbed his face and gently kissed him on the lips. After a few seconds I broke away and smiled at him and he beamed back. I think I'd made his evening with that simple act. I told him something like "carry on treating me like you are and I'm sure I'll soon trust you, just give me time and let me lead, okay?" He just replied something like "take as much time as you need; if I have a chance of winning your heart I don't care how long it takes". I think that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me (um, sorry Frank when you read this - I hope you'll understand!)

I gave him another quick kiss, said goodbye and then left him, standing at the doorway right up until I drove off. I drove home on a high, thoughts rushing through my head. I couldn't (can't) explain how I felt (feel). But I can't wait until Saturday afternoon when I pick-up Brad again. I want to see him again already, badly - not sure what I'm feeling, but that's the part of my personality that I'm still learning about. (again, sorry Frank, but you did encourage me to 'move on' - hopefully, before you're reading this, and all the other emails between Bob and I, I will have had chance to talk to you first. Besides, this will make a good chapter for your intended sequel to 'Brad and Janet'!).

So, today, I'm at a loose end, at home, doing chores and thinking about Thursday night. It is such a relief to tell my story to Brad and feel like that even if nothing else comes of my relationship with him, that I have at least probably made two more friends. It went way better than I could have hoped for. And yes Bob, I do remember your advice - 'baby steps girlie' - I won't let my heart rule my head, but you probably realize that anyway!

Cheers, Vicky.

August 11, 12:35 am

Vicky,

God girl I am SOOO happy for you!!!!!

Now I am going to dissect this piece by piece slightly but as a whole I am really starting to like Brad. It almost seems like you've hit the lottery twice. First with Frank and now with Brad. How can I say this so you will understand? For the last 3 years you have been Rebecca to Franks Tony. Therein lays the problem. You kinda need to transition to being Cheri to Frank's Tony. Now it sounds to me like you are Tina to Brad's Riley. Think about that a bit and guess what I just finished reading yesterday. I know those are references you will understand even if you have to reread for a bit. I think it really is an apt analogy.

I just got to the ride home bit. Damn it girl I told you to give him some time to let things sink in. I was thinking at minimum a couple of hours if not a few days, a week would not have been out of line. Holy fuck am I glad he wanted you to stop so the two of you could talk some more. Look Vicky just the specific instances I know about from Brad and Janet are hard to digest. Especially when you were tied to the table and left and the part about your torture and the scars on your legs. All by itself that's a lot for a guy to grasp. I have little doubt there are more events of this nature that I do not know about and Brad now does know. That is a hell of a lot to take in over one long conversation.

Seriously young lady I wouldn't have held anything against him if he hadn't talked to you until Monday. I really would not have faulted him for that. You ticked a box when you trusted him enough to pull into the layby. Aren't you ever so glad you took the chance to do that? Seems like it paid off rather well. Let me get one thing straight here. Did you tell him about the sexual nature of your relationship with Frank too?

And after that he still questions if he is worthy of your company? Still wondering why I say you hit the lottery with this man!! He may be young but at this point he is absolutely a man. He sure as hell isn't behaving like a boy. For that matter he isn't behaving much like a 20 year old either. You are sure of his age?

Now about being in love with you since that second day on the job, maybe so, but maybe he just doesn't have any other way to describe it. See I had never felt any of what most people describe as chemistry with a woman until 2 years ago. I helped out this woman at work and since she lived so close to the highway I towed her car home. We were chatting away in my truck as I always do with the people I am working with and I just felt something I can't really explain better than an instant chemistry. I dropped her and her car off and went on my way. That lasted for about 10 or 15 minutes before I was back where I had left her car to find her still outside with it. I started talking to her again partly about the car but not entirely and she asked me if I had come back for the car or for her. I had to confess that I had come back for her. Then she told me she felt the same chemistry that I had felt and admitted to looking to see if I were wearing a wedding ring. For the record I do not wear my ring. I am very hard on my hands and jewelry does not survive me. I've even given up on watches. Back to the story. I got on the radio and took an official 15 minute break and shut the truck off. I told her I was married but not particularly happy (Sarah and I had been going through another bad spell at the time) and she said she wouldn't be the "other woman". I told her I wouldn't ask her too and that while unhappy I don't cheat. (Honestly we would have to be at least separated for me to consider a relationship with someone else. I really do take those vows seriously. I gave my word. That means something to me.) Anyway we talked some more and she confessed that she wasn't seeing anyone and was putting herself through nursing school. This could not have been easy for a woman with I forget now but I know it was at least 3 and I think it might have been 4 kids. Anyhow she told me she wasn't going to be going anywhere for the next 18 months and that if we did decide to get a divorce I was welcome to come back and look her up at that point. I have a very good memory for geographic locations. I could drive you to her building right now and even point out which apartment she lived in. I haven't been there since that one day. I think what I felt with this woman is what Brad felt for you that first time. Keep in mind it is a suspicion on my part.

Now he just can't believe the girl he thinks is completely out of his league is willing to give him a chance at a relationship.

Brad has seen his mother get hurt. He knows you have been hurt by men before. You absolutely will have to take the lead. Do not rush. Give yourself lots of time. I sincerely doubt he will do anything if he even slightly suspects it will hurt you. Look at your own words when he asked to cuddle you at the lay-by. "He slowly and carefully put his arm behind me and drew me towards him." He is going to be fine with you making the moves. Again look at the kiss at the end of the night. He went for your cheek again because he knew you would be comfortable with that.

Now then since his mother was looking directly at you when she asked if you two would like to be alone she is absolutely on your side. You do not have to worry if she likes you any longer. You need to be Franks Cheri not his Rebecca. Brad is allowed to be your Tony ONLY when you are CERTAIN you are ready for it. Do not be afraid to set limits. If you do not feel absolutely comfortable with the idea of Brad kissing you on the lips as you read this today, tell him so. He will respect your boundaries.

If he doesn't tell his mother.

He'll damn sure respect them after she gets done with him. But I really don't see it being a problem. Do you still have the other email? I'd like to share more of my life with you but am not sure I want Frank reading that just yet. I don't really know how to phrase this since I know he will read it. I guess the best way is I'm comfortable with you, I don't actually know him.

Bob

August 11, 6:38 am

Bob,

First, sorry for this indecently quick reply, but busy day today and meeting Brad in a couple of hours.

Thanks for the lovely reply - your seem pleased for me ;)

Liked the analogy with the 'Chaos' series - they're all lovely stories. I've been in email contact with 'Ezzy' - he's working on a fourth book that concentrates on Tina and her story - looking forward to it.

Yes, I did tell Brad EVERYTHING. I explained how Frank had helped me in every respect. As I said to you before, I wanted to be totally honest. He didn't seem at all fazed and he made his comment that 'Frank had gone up another level in his respect' AFTER I'd told him everything.

So yeah, we're going to the cinema later today, followed by a quick meal (nothing special, McDonalds or something similar), then back to his house for a while and then I'm back again on Sunday for lunch.

I'm happy Bob, really happy!

BTW, interesting story about the woman you met - I admire your restraint Bob, nice one!

Yes, the Hotmail account is still open.

Cheers, Vicky

August 11, 7:37AM

Vicky,

Pleased for you?

Girl I am thrilled for you!!

Brad handled it far better than I had hoped he would. He gets lots of credit in my book. After everything he thinks HE is unworthy of YOU. He's a good one. AND he is already sensitive to women that have been abused because of his Mum. Additionally HIS Mum is going to be sensitive to your relationship because SHE will not want Brad upsetting you.

Do not be surprised to find yourself growing close to his Mum either. Just remember girlie TIME. Give yourself lots of time. Maybe Brad will be your Tony, maybe not. There is no pressure as to how fast OR how FAR your relationship progresses. Take all the time you need. Draw the boundary lines when and where you need them. Last night it felt right for you to kiss him on the lips. Today that might not feel right. Just because you extended a boundary last night does not mean you can't retract it again.

I've said it before I will be saying it again, so you may as well see it now too. Baby steps girlie!!!

I guess I did show restraint there, but it was never really an option for me. I hold myself to a high standard in some things. When we got married I gave Sarah my word. That HAS to mean something. I am in no way judging Franks actions. I can't even say I would have been a good boy myself if the opportunity had presented itself say 3 weeks ago. When I don't feel connected to her almost anything is possible. Being mad at each other will never be enough for me to do it. Not having the connection on the other hand, well I'm not so sure.

Bob

August 11, 11:46pm

Victoria,

First yeah, I know you hate that but I can't help it. It may be old fashioned but Victoria is just prettier than Vicky, so until you change it to Zhanya ... Anyway, a couple of days ago you said "Finally, Bob, I feel bad that our emails have been very one-sided, very biased to me and not you. You've told me that you've rekindled your love for Sarah and I think that's really great. But how's it panning out for you both now? Is all good for you and her? I really do hope so."

It's not that I am unwilling or unable to share what has been going on. It's just that I thought your issues were more pressing.

Then there is the time factor. I spent a lot of time on those emails. more so than I probably would have had I known you as anything other than a pen pal.

First off you are the first new pen pal I've had in a long time. Most of my other pen friends and I have known each other for years now, even though I've never met any of them either. Then you know how you have problems reading peoples reactions and emotions and such, well email cripples me the same way.

Added to that what I know about your background from Brad and Janet and our emails and believe it or not I have been trying to treat you gently. It has always been on my mind to try and avoid causing any flashbacks or somehow triggering memories you would rather not think of. I've even toned down the "brutal honesty" or at least tried too.

I now have a very strong personality. I didn't always. People either love me or hate me. There's very little middle ground with me. The people that like me, like me a lot. The people that don't like me can't stand me at all. That's another reason why I felt the need to keep myself in check when writing you. Didn't want you in the camp that thinks I am a giant arsehole.

So here's an update on what's been going on the past two weeks since what I am calling my "rediscovery." Part one, that little creative writing exercise I was going to do didn't pan out. You may recall it was to cover my thought processes about just how I made the rediscovery in the first place. I tried writing it as a two person conversation. If it were filmed for TV it would have been shot with the actor sitting at a table saying lines from his half of a conversation. Then after that the same actor would be filmed in different clothes sitting on the other side of the table having the other half of the same conversation. Then the 2 halves of the conversation would be stitched together so that it looked like the guy was giving himself a bollocking.

The problem was it was much funnier in my head than when I typed it out. I decided it sucks. In fact it sucks big time. So instead of that I am going to start with my actual thought process instead. So 2 weeks ago Friday I went to a truck show at a former Air Force base that now houses a small public airport and a military aircraft museum. It's a 2.5 hour drive one way. I didn't really want to go but decided getting out would be good for me so off I went. I was there for about an hour. Me and like 4 trucks. I decided I really didn't care and didn't want to sit all day waiting for more to show up so I left and started the drive home.

Once I was on the road I started thinking and for once didn't mentally dodge the issues. The big thing was finally admitting just exactly what was bothering me. I knew but had never really spent much time actually thinking about it.

The entire problem was I was upset about the fact that I was losing my feelings for Sarah. It dawned on me that if I was so upset about it maybe I wasn't losing those feelings after all. Maybe they had just gotten buried.

Then I sat and asked myself what I really wanted. Did I want a younger woman? Did I want another woman at all? The answer to both was no. Who I really wanted was my wife.

Next I asked myself if there was anything about you and Frank I was jealous of. I did have an answer for that. I was jealous of your willingness to go with him to steam fairs and such you know actually sharing his interests, when I find myself almost always alone at my truck shows. Then it dawned on me that Sarah had in fact told me she was willing to go with me-before I had even read Brad and Janet-and I had just kind of blown it off. Not only had she told me but she had repeated it a couple of times. I hadn't actually invited her to any.

I know don't say it. I'm a twat.

The dawning that maybe my feelings weren't missing just buried was the spark. The realization that the only woman I really wanted was my wife was the kindling. Add to that a couple of distinctly naughty thoughts and that set the log on the fire.

Now halfway home I upped the speed a bit to get home a little faster and a lot less distracted. Not that there is a lot of traffic or for that matter even curves in the road to worry about in the rural part of the state I was in.

Time to face the music.

I needed to have another very serious talk with Sarah. Almost ONE whole day AFTER I had just had a 2 hour talk with her about how I was losing my love for her. I hear you calling me a twat again.

Actually there was a reason for the 24 hour turn around. The reason is that is only how it looked to Sarah. It took me a lot longer. I delayed telling her I was losing my feelings for several weeks. I didn't want to hurt her own feelings. I know it sounds kind of lame but I do have that protective streak.

She did not react as I expected. This actually has become a running theme since I first started falling into the depression I was in back at the start of June. At every single serious talk we have had since she has not reacted the way i had expected. Honestly she's been much better than I had come to expect. Very well almost supportive. You have to understand something here. Supportive from her is pretty new to me.

Not just supportive either but almost exactly the right thing at exactly the right time. I'm really starting to wonder just how the hell she is doing that. That isn't all either. Dr. Drew Pinsky has had a call in radio show called Love Line since we were teens. Been listening off and on the whole time too. Anyhow he said there was something males could experience and my instant and only reaction was Bullshit!! My sweet innocent little Sarah has figured out how to cause said reaction that I never thought remotely possible. Well maybe not so sweet and innocent any more. But it sure as shit works for me.

So in the last two weeks since that truck show we have had something like 5 serious talks about our relationship. Heck the most recent was when we spent over 2 hours at lunch Tuesday. These talks have brought us closer than we have been in a very long time. Lead to some long make out sessions too. The cuddles have been quite nice too.

Ok so what I wrote above I started on Wednesday and finished Thursday afternoon after work. When Sarah got home Thursday at around 1930 she brought the mail in with her. Remember when you were talking about irrational fears? Well let me tell you, you aren't the only one. One of the things that came in was the water bill. What could this possibly have to do with irrational fears I almost hear you asking. The bill was overdue and for $240. At this point I have something like $72 or so in my checking account. Best part is the bill itself isn't due until the 24th but if I didn't pay by the 13th the town was going to shut the water off. So get a bill that has to be paid 4 whole days later. If they hadn't taken credit cards I'd be trying to live in a house with no water. The water bill is the only bill Sarah pays. Now logically I know it was either that she just forgot about it or she didn't have enough to cover it herself. The irrational fear part turned it into a trust issue. I trusted her to pay this one bill and she couldn't do it. If I couldn't trust her to do that what else couldn't I trust her with? Did I have to start calling her at work every day at whatever store she was scheduled to be at just to make sure she was there? Didn't take long to get irrational there did it. Especially since as I write this I am 175 miles away from home in a little town in Wisconsin. I'm away from the show itself now waiting for the parade to start. They shut down the town and the truck parade lasts close to 2 hours depending on how many entries they get. Should be over 400 this year. Basically at the moment I have nothing better to do. I'm typing this on the laptop but only have net access through the phone. Typing on that thing is a royal pain. Possible but not encouraged. Again thank you Microsoft for copy and paste cause I'm writing this in word. Heck my own irrational fears didn't get kicked out of my head until this morning. I had just gone through the drive thru at McDonalds when Never Let You Go by Steelheart came on the radio. I haven't heard that song on the radio in has to be something close to 15 years. It was the first song Sarah and I danced to at our wedding.

 
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