Chapter 1

The TMI conversational introduction.

I'm sure you've seen this in tons of stories written primarily for stroke purposes, or written by people who don't write much or very well. The scary thing is that it happens with writers that are otherwise competent, too, and I'm not sure why. Its especially funny when its highly incongruous.

Example:

Hi. I'm Jim Harris. I've got a big dick. I mean its 18 inches long, and three inches thick, and thats when its soft. Not that its that important. I'm 6'3" tall, and weigh 225 pounds, all of it muscle. I have the greatest set of six-pack abs you've ever seen, and my pecks are the kind of thing that get women wet just looking at me. My shoulders are broader than Peter Lupus', and I've got that aryian blonde-hair-blue-eyed thing going for me, as well.

First of all, you have to realize I'm not very outgoing. I don't like talking about myself. I have always tried to treat women with respect. I'm a perfect gentleman. And that's really paid off for me.

Because I've been married to the love of my life, and we were celibate before we got married. Her name is Pam. I was overjoyed when her father, Mr. Anderson, gave me permission to marry her.

You have to see Pam. She's got a shaved pussy, for one thing. Her waist is only 18 inches across, but her ass is full and perfectly rounded just like you'd want it to be. She's got the sweetest, tautest belly you've ever seen. And her 34DDD boobs are just heavenly.

In bed, she's practically a slut. She gives me a blow job at least four times a day, and we have sex like a bunny every night. She even likes it when I fuck her in the ass.

And looking at her, you'd never know she was like this.

What's wrong with this?

Imagine a man walks up to you in a bar and says, "Hi, I'm Joe Harris, and I have a big dick." You'd think him a total asshole, which is why people don't go walking around introducing themselves like that. I mean, depending on your relative sizes and temperaments, you might even give him a complimentary oral surgery compliments of Dr. Pain.

If a person is talking directly to you, in your presence, they don't generally inform you about the general nature of the fitness of their body. Your words have confirmed what I see before me, needlessly. Thus such description is disjointed with the format of introduction.

Only the grandest, most arrogant assholes would introduce themselves with mentioning they have a big dick in the first or second sentence. Yet the character is self-described as shy and not very outgoing. This is a first person monologue. If the character is shy, he should be speaking as a shy man would.

Only close friends would ever think about talking about the physical atributes of their women in any intimate detail. Yes, a woman who has huge breasts might be discussed with a stranger. Exampli gratia: "Have you seen my wife? The short blonde with the, well, she's big in the chest." Or more likely, indicating that shape with your hands. But no gentlemen would ever talk to somebody they just met and tell them their wife has 34DDDs, an 18" waist, a taut stomach, and certainly not that she shaves her pubic region.

People don't know what the respective sizes of breasts are in terms of cup-to-reality unless their personal lover is the specific size they mention. I don't know it particularly, and I sometimes help out my cousin, who runs a lingerie store.

Not even a reasonable but uncouth man would tell their new found acquaintance what sexual acts their wife does with them. Certainly not our supposed shy gentleman here. Only a total jerkwad does that, of the kind most often found in internet sex stories, and occasionally in real life. When found in real life, they are generally universally hated by all but the very, very dumb, and sometimes their mother. Certainly never so bluntly.

If you are looking for a stroke story, well, stroke stories aren't romantic by nature. Hint: when they are attempted like that, they come off insanely forced and fake, giving the impression that the person writing it is, in fact, a virgin. So in the stroke story, have the guy come across as a bit of a pompous asswipe, if you want to be that blunt.