Chapter 4: Firsts

As I sat there thinking she continued to make my tea, but not her own. I asked her about this and she looked up from what she was doing and asked if it was my wish to have her make herself a cup of tea as well. Really? She was asking me if I wanted her to make a cup for herself? Ok, I decided to go along with it and instructed her to do so but to mind my tea and ensure that it came out properly.

I'm not sure if it was because she did it intentionally, or if it was because she was just as nervous and was unsure as I was, but she made a royal mess of my tea. Instead of two sugars she had only used one. Additionally, she used too much creamer. So much that my tea was pale and too cool for my liking. I noticed this immediately as she passed it to me and I told her so with a touch of disappointment in my voice. Right away her hands were visibly shaking but I ignored it for the moment. Then I took my first sip and promptly spit the tea back into my cup and placed it on to the table in front of me while shaking my head.

Where moments earlier her only her hands were visibly trembling, now her entire body was shaking. She had tears slowly running down her face ruining her mascara. In a quivering and frightened voice she asked me, "Sir, does this mean you are going to punish me?" There was more than a little hint of a sob in her voice as well.

This did not feel right to me. This was not how we were. Yet, there was something going on. The air was thick with it. A storm of change was crashing against us and what we had been, relentlessly ripping at it, breaking it, forever twisting it into something new and unknown.

I was at war with myself and the implications of these changes. In the end, there was really only one way to respond, for better or worse and I knew it. I hardened my resolve and pushed forward.

Taking in a deep breath I held it a moment and let it out in a sad sigh. Then, leaning forward across the table I reached out and lifted her chin forcing her to look into my eyes, eyes filled with disappointment. "Yes, you will be punished. I told you that if you got it correct that I would reward you, but if you got it wrong I would punish you. Now, finish making your tea and brew me another cup, too. While they are steeping you will go into my closet and retrieve, from the top of my dresser, the black leather bag and bring it out to me." With that I let go of her chin and pointedly ignored her.

Jamie said, "Yes, Sir," and did as instructed by starting with the tea. She then rose in a beautiful fluid motion and quickly moved off to my room, those heels clicking with each step and her hips swaying enticingly. She returned a moment later with the bag and dropped gracefully to her knees beside me and offered it to me almost ceremoniously. I took the bag and indicated for her to finish making our tea.

This time she was much more careful and paid close attention to what she was doing. In fact, she made both cups exactly the same even though I knew she never put sugar in hers and much more creamer. She then offered me my cup, again ceremoniously, and watched as I took my first sip. The look in her eyes was hopeful and apprehensive at the same time. It was not until I looked at her and smiled, leaned back and put my feet back up, and sighed happily that she picked up her own. Before she actually took a drink she looked at me and asked permission to drink with me. I had assumed, reasonably I thought, that having her make her own tea as well as mine was indication and approval enough. I've since learned not to make such assumptions.

I invited her to drink her tea and started up a conversation with her. I wanted to know what brought this on. Not just tonight, but just why in general. I may have understood at some level, but I needed to hear it from her. It took a few false starts but once she started it all came flooding out. This woman was able to amaze me at every turn. I sat enthralled by what she had to tell me. All this time, there she was; she desired me as I had desired her. Who could have known? I'm no mind reader, but I do usually pick up on such things. There are so many signs a person gives off with their body and mannerisms and I missed them all! As I said, sometimes I need to be hit with a brick wall. In my defense, as stated earlier, I was more fearful of losing what we had than gaining something more. It made me blind, but now I was beginning to see with fresh eyes.