The Wall and Goat
Chapter 16

Copyright© 2013 by Sasha Distan

Romantic Sex Story: Chapter 16 - Maxie's grandmother tells him that love and hate are two horns on the same goat. That snowy day in January, a boy shows up who could just be that goat. Jesse is new to town and not happy about it. Maxie reminds him of memories he would rather leave behind and as the boy's grow apart and closer together they both realize that they need to change.

Caution: This Romantic Sex Story contains strong sexual content, including mt/mt   Consensual   Romantic   Gay   BiSexual   Interracial   First   Safe Sex   Oral Sex   Anal Sex   Masturbation  

It had been exactly fifteen days since I had last seen Jesse. He had got up, and walked away. I had let my phone go dead that day, hadn't been bothered to charge it, or log on and check my email. I hadn't read, hadn't done homework, or for the most part attend school. I seemed to live in a world bound between the distance between home and Paul and Guy's house. I ate when I had to, when Paul force fed me baked goods from the oven or when Babaanne near-spoon fed me stew when I was home. I avoided mirrors. I knew in abstract that I didn't look good. I could see it in their eyes, but I didn't want to see the difference that misery made. I knew I was thinner, my jeans hung off my hips, and my muscles had lost their roundness. I was a sculpture made of wire and sticks. I felt empty.

At night Nuka kept me company, whether I was home or not. I couldn't stand to be alone in my own bedroom. Mum had given up that fight pretty quickly after Babaanne had put her foot down. So Nuka followed me everywhere I went. The husky was good company, he was non-judgemental (unlike my mother) and didn't talk (unlike Paul) and didn't keep trying to make me eat (unlike everyone) and he didn't try to comfort me with empty words when I cried. I cried into his thick fur, comforter and tissues all in one and Nuka merely lay on the bed, big and warm beside me, head resting over my shoulder as I cried and sobbed and wept until the tears seemed like they would never stop. Somehow they always did.

Everyone with the exception of Guy and Nuka told me that I would feel better in time. I felt no better. Every day hurt just as bad as the one before. I came home from Guy and Paul's that Monday, day fifteen since I had last seen Jesse to find music playing softly through the wall.

'Morning comes and you don't want to know me anymore/For a moment your eyes open and you know/All the things I ever wanted you to know... '

He was back.

There had been nothing but silence through the wall. Either he had been creeping about like a mouse in there or he hadn't been home at all. But now there was music playing. My music. I hadn't even tried to listen to my favourite band, every song reminded me of him. And now the boy I loved who ripped out a big chunk of my heart was playing my music as if nothing had happened. Numbness and pain were replaced by a flame hot liquid rage.

How dare he? How dare he come into my life and make everything perfect and amazing and then screw it up? In that moment all sort of crazy thoughts flashed through my mind. Jesse was a liar, nothing horrible had ever happened to him, he was just waiting to get his rocks off, would move on to greener pastures. He'd probably never even tried to kill himself, a sympathy ruse. He had come to my town and stolen my first kiss and used me. And now he was back, the other side of that wall playing my music, songs I had given him because I loved him. I had been holding my bag, my only pretence that school was even an option, and I hurled it at the wall.

"Maxie?" my name in his voice was like a knife going into my chest, at once sweet and perfect and painful as hell. I stood and stared at the wall. There was the distant slamming of a door, I felt the echo in my chest when I tried to breathe, my ribs creaking with the effort of staying upright. Then I felt the door open behind me, the rush of air bringing the soft sweet scent I recognised so well. There was a tug in my chest, and I wanted to let that line and hook settle there so badly, to complete the hole in my chest. I wanted to turn around and kiss him, I wanted the last two weeks not to have happened. But they had. The coil of rage wound up through my throat and down my arm and I turned even as I lined up the punch.

I hit Jesse Newall hard, right in the centre of his chest, the force enough to sting my knuckles and sent him slamming back into the wall and door. Ice blue eyes were wide and confused and in that moment of looking at him I saw how ... how well he looked. Jesse was always perfectly turned out, today was no exception, clothes and hair crisp and clean.

"Get out." My voice was low and hard and I knew that the instant he left I was going to break down in tears, but I was damned if I was going to let him see that. "Get the fuck out of my house."

"Maxie," he started to get up, and I hated the way he said my name. he made it sound like he cared, "Maxie listen..."

"No!" I pushed all the anger I had to the front and I slammed into him. Fists, face, blocked; our legs tangled, we fell to the floor; I rolled to get the upper hand, jabbed him under the ribs; my back pressed against the floor; Jesse's hands gripping my shoulders. I was crying, and that made me more angry, shouting things I couldn't even hear in my own ears. I was so furious with him. "You bastard! How could you do that to me? And come back like nothing is wrong," I tried to kick him and failed, "I hate you."

Jesse's slap didn't hurt, but it made me stop, speaking and struggling. The whole time, Jesse hadn't hit me, he had just fended me off.

"I'm seeing a therapist."

I had no idea what to do with that information. Half of me wanted to punch him again, the other half wanted to congratulate him on being such a good liar.

"I realised I shouldn't have left the second I got on the train, and then it was too late. I couldn't reach you by phone and I didn't know where you were. Babaanne wouldn't tell me." Jesse bit his lip and the action made me want to kiss him. I resisted. "I've been staying with Chaime and Alec. Alec was the one who got me in to see Dr Laydon." Jesse's eyes were full of tears, "Say something Maxie."

I got up, disentangling myself from him, and I collapsed onto my bed, head in hands. I could sort of see the missing chunk of myself hovering in the air, very slightly warped, there were going to be parts that didn't fit quite so well as they used to, but it would plug the hole well enough. I could choose to take it back. I wasn't sure.

"Are you ... fixed?"

"No." But Jesse was sort of smiling, "It's doesn't work like that. But I'm getting better."

"Without me." I dug my face into my hands, not wanting to look at Jesse. It was a shock to feel his weight sitting down beside me, an arm across my shoulders. It felt so good to have him close, but I didn't want to give in. If he broke my heart twice I wasn't sure I'd survive it.

"Alec told me I had to focus on getting better. I wasn't thinking very clearly and I thought that meant I couldn't have you." Jesse's fingers traced a spiral on my shoulder, "I'm so sorry Maxie, I screwed everything up."

I clenched and unclenched my fingers, not really focusing on anything. There was still music coming through the wall and I whispered along with words that had new meaning in my head. I was crying again.

"I never saw you drift away/The more we spin around, the less we move/I never saw your spirit break/I wish that I could be your journey's end/But you are only passing through..."

"Maxie..." Jesse's voice was soft and warm in my ear, his hand resting on the back of my neck, I loved the feel of his fingers in my hair, "I love you. I want more than anything for you to forgive me. I know I don't deserve it, but I want to be with you. To be your friend. When the truth is, I miss you so. I hate being without you."

"What happened to the hole in the wall?"

"Mum filled it when we were away. She wasn't too impressed that we'd 'breached the divide' or some such crap like that. I put it back." Jesse slid off the bed, and for a horrible moment I thought he was leaving. He knelt in front of me.

'I'm on my knees, I beg of you'

I remember the words in my head, the way I had mouthed them across the classroom what felt like a million years ago.

"Do you want me to back over the wall? We can talk."

"No." I had the satisfaction that for a moment Jesse looked really worried. There was the piece of me that was missing. I held it, took it back. It mostly fitted, there were a couple of raw edges here and there, nothing that time and talk and trust wouldn't be able to smooth down. I took a breath and it was like coming up for air having been underwater. "I'm not letting you go again. You can even run away now. I can keep up."

 
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