Chapter 4

Jan's Side:

I really think that Grandma is not going to have a problem with it. Really.

I'm glowing today. I mean, I'm healthy. Usually feel good. But today ... I'm, well, DIFFERENT.

It's not sex. I know a girl who came to school almost a wreck after HER first time. She was messed up on several levels. Hurt physically. And the guy ... A jerk. I think they dated a couple of weeks after that and every time they went out, it was HIM wanting sex. No more hangin' out with friends. No movies. SEX. And he dumped 'er and moved on.

That's not what I've experienced so far. First, hurt? Like pulling a hangnail, maybe, and then WOW!

I love the guy. I know that whole thing about leering old guys with the hots for teenaged girls. Never got that with Dan. Never. As a matter of fact, he almost RAN the other way. I could tell he was nervous. I can also tell you that he has a weakness. He likes helping people. I'm people. I needed help. So I had Dan help me.

Sometimes people have shells. I think we, both of us, we had shells. I know that in my case, I expected the shell to be broken sooner or later. Seriously, I am sixteen. And Baptist, so that whole nunnery thing is not an option.

I dreamed of normalcy. Moving in with Grandma was a step in that direction. At least I didn't have to worry about getting molested by one of Mom's guys. Grandma was more than civil to me. I had a clean, quiet home in a nice neighborhood. It was almost too late for school, though.

But I met Dan. He started me off with principles that teachers might have discussed, but I didn't remember, and he took me through about two years of school in two weeks because he KNEW and all of a sudden I wanted to learn. Because one of the things I learned is that he thought 'smart' was cool. And I wanted to be 'cool' to a guy like that.

They're rare, you know. I looked around. At school, it seemed like everybody, at least the guys, are putting on acts. Even the smart guys. They get this idea that being smart is acceptable if they put on some sort of show about being all 'street'. And I simply did NOT give in to the 'he's a football player. Ooooo, he's so FINE!". And there were the 'playas' and several other subgroups, not one of whom made my bell so much as move, much less ring.

And then there's Dan. Dan, who wouldn't commit to tutoring me until he'd talked with Grandma. Dan, who told Grandma that she could come knock on the door any time I was supposed to be over at his apartment studying. Dan, who actually studies with me.

Dan. The guy that told me I was smart. Dan, the guy who got so excited after two weeks when I started bringing home A's from school.

Dan, the guy I fell in love with.

I never had a dad, so I don't know how a kid is supposed to be about a dad. Well, I know some of it. I talk to other kids. But really, I don't know. That's one of the things I asked Grandma.

"What's the difference? What can I see that tells me, Grandma?"

"I don't know exactly how to tell you, Jan," she said. "I remember my dad being the disciplinarian and the teacher and the provider." She sighed. "Your grandfather ... Oh, Jan, you make me think of when I was young, a few years older than you, but out of the crowd of girls my age and the group of boys HIS age, something made him just stand out. Like we connected. And that was after I'd been socializing with all the others. We were like a big family of brothers and sisters, except Harold just stood out."

Grandma looked at me. "You're thinking about Dan aren't you, baby?"

I can't lie to Grandma. Never have. And wasn't going to start. "Yes, ma'am. Am I wrong?"

"What's your heart say?"

"Heart says I'm not."

She smiled in that gentle way that I needed so much since I came to live with her. "Hearts can be broken, baby. What's your head say?"

"The age thing. We're at the edges of it, but I've heard of worse. Intellect. Oh, Grandma, he IS smart. The guy's an engineer and he's got me making straight A's. He's kind and he's funny and he's interesting to talk with. Money? He makes good money. Has savings. What am I missing?"

"Looks." Grandma was picking at me.

"Oh, YOU said he was good-looking yourself."

"Hearts can be broken, Jan," she said as she brushed her fingers through my hair. "But if it happens, then I'm going to try to understand it, princess. You've lived more in sixteen years than a lot of people twice your age. But just because you've seen a lot of things doesn't mean you're ready for them yourself."

"I'm not ready for ANYTHING Mom did, Grandma. I'm ready for what was missing. Love. Caring. Sharing."

"Take a hard look, Jan. You're a pretty young girl. A guy's ... Guy's head gets turned."

"I thought about that, Grandma. It's sweet to hear you say it, but I'm not anything special as far as looks are concerned. But you know that we study, well, I study, and he teaches and helps. And we've been alone in his apartment all those times. And he's never ... Grandma, the guy is a perfect gentleman. Except he LIKES me."

"How is liking you an exception?"

"I ... Poor choice of words. He IS a perfect gentleman. And when we're done with homework, we drink a cold drink or some lemonade and listen to music or watch TV. Grandma, If he was trying to get in a sixteen year old's pants, don't you think he'd've made a move by now? He's ha dplenty of opportunity."

"And he hasn't," Grandma said.

"Not even the tiniest suggestive comment. Nothing. All he does is smile and laugh and talk with me."

Grandma loves me, and I guess she worries, but I know that sometimes I'm a hassle. She has this guy her age. They date, hang out, he comes over, they cook and watch TV, just like I was doing with Dan. I can see things too, you know. I think that just maybe I'm in the way. But she loves me. But I wish...

I asked myself if that's why, maybe a little bit of why I'm thinking about Dan this way. I lost sleep over it, really. But I can't find that bit of dishonesty in me. I couldn't lie to myself or to Dan, if it goes further.

I wanted it to go further. Not because he's a guy and I'm a girl. I go to school with a lot of guys. None of THEM ever started out in my head like Dan did. None of them started getting into my heart.

So what was I supposed to do? Grandma was the only person I could ask about this. I could just see asking kids at school. I'd get the 'Uh-huh, you know how her mom was' treatment. Or the 'Ewwwww! He's OLD!' thing. And nobody would understand. Aside from Grandma, I was on my own here.

So I went with my heart when it said 'true love can be a once in a lifetime thing' and with my head when it said 'Friendly, smart, steady, secure, and pretty darned good looking' and I made up my mind.

I woke up with Dan by my side. You know how it is in the fog of semi-consciousness when you first wake up in unfamiliar surroundings.

First thing I did was back into HIM. He wiggled a little, and the next thing I knew I had an arm around me, gently puling me into him. Then I remembered the totality of what had happened. I had SLEPT with a MAN. And that's in the loose sense of the word. I squeezed my thighs together and felt a little sort of twinge. And it came back to me. Joy. Mine. His. Both of us.

I don't delude myself. (yes, I use words like that!) I know how many people mistake sex for love. And I know how many people don't even bother to TRY to equate sex and love, they relegate sex to a body function and love to some kind of unenlightened fairy tale, but if I thought that Dan was one of those, I wouldn't be lying here in his bed with his arms around me, both of us completely naked.

I just kept quiet. Just maybe he wanted to wake up slowly like I did and sort all this out.

I could tell the sorting was going on when he buried his nose in my hair and breathed deeply and went 'Mmmmm.' That was followed by an adjustment of body position to improve our snuggle.

"Hello, sweet girl. You're still here."

"I'm glad," I said. "Dan, I still love you this morning."

"I hope so, Jan. I don't want to think we got carried away and lost our minds here. I'd like to keep you around."

"How long do you want to put up with me?"

"Forever," he said. "Love is supposed to be a forever thing." He kissed me on the nape of my neck. My NECK! And he sighed.

I cuddled up against him. "Do I get to keep you, too? My Dan. Mine alone?"

"We possess each other. No others." He nuzzled into the back of my head again. "Until your grandma gets home, comes over, and shoots me."

I twisted around in his arms, finding myself nose to nose with him. And in this position, if you tilt your head sideways just a little, the noses get out of the way and the lips meet...

Shower. My first ever shower with another person. Friend. Lover. Mate. I watched HIM shave while I was drying off.

"We need to got to Grandma's so I can dry my hair," I said.

"If this is going to be a regular thing I need to get you a hair dryer," Dan said.

"I have all that at Grandma's. Explain to my why I don't just box it up and move it over here?"

"We need to see how your grandma is going react to all this." Dan. Cautious. Thoughtful.

We got dressed and walked to Grandma's apartment. When we walked in I saw the flashing light on the answering machine. Okay. Let me check. I didn't recognize the number on the display, so I hit the button. Grandma's voice:

"Hey, Jan, this is your grandma. It's one in the morning. I was just calling to check on you. I heard the weather was bad."

"I'm pretty sure you're in good hands, baby. Just make sure you're doing the right thing. I'll see you Sunday."

"What's that mean?" he asked.

"What's what mean?"

"When she said, 'Make sure you're doing the right thing'."

"Dan, can I tell you something? And you won't get mad?"

"Sure babe. What?"

"Uh, I kinda told Grandma that I had, as she says, 'designs', on you."

"You told her that? When?"

"A week or so ago."

"Uh, so tell me, little strawberry girl, did THAT information have anything to do with her taking off for the weekend?"

I went to my 'nervous little girl' voice. "Yeah. Maybe. A little bit."