Chapter 2

Wearily, I knocked on the door to the upscale Ranch style home. I was looking down at Dani and didn't notice it open until Steve's voice cut through the fog in my brain.

"Hey John ... Holy shit! What happened to you?"

I had stopped by my best friend's house because after a night without sleep, I couldn't fathom how to care for myself, let alone my daughter. Luckily Steve and Sharon were both home. I was so out of it, I hadn't even thought about the possibility that they would be gone, I just piled Danielle into the car and drove over. Evidently my condition wasn't particularly difficult to notice.

I gave him a warning look and glanced down at Dani. Although I could see his puzzled expression, he caught my meaning. He kneeled down in front of her and put his arms out.

"How are you, young lady?"

She dove into his arms crying. "Jenny went away."

Steve looked up at me shocked. He started to say something, but I stopped him by quickly shaking my head no.

When she calmed down a little, he suggested she run upstairs to see Tyler. He was Steve's son and was just younger than Danielle. They had been best friends since her mom's death.

When she was out of sight, I tried to speak, but this time he shook me off. He turned and walked from the room. A few seconds later he walked back with Sharon, who looked very concerned. We sat down across from each other and she spoke first.

"John, you look terrible. What's going on?"

I took a deep breath. "Jenny's gone. I told her to leave last night."

"What?" Came the startled response from both of them.

I thought I had decided how to explain it, but couldn't seem to remember a word of what I'd rehearsed.

"She cheated on me. I found out about it last night." I put my head in my hands trying to get my emotions under control. It was definitely a losing battle.

Sharon recovered enough to ask, "Are you sure? I just can't believe that. She loves you and Danielle more than anything."

I thought about telling them everything, but decided it would be too painful. It would also be very uncomfortable for them because they had been friends with Jenny since we began dating. No matter how pissed off I was, I wasn't expecting them to hate her also. I settled for being vague.

"I don't want to talk about specifics, but yes I'm sure. There were pictures, plus she admitted to it. I don't know if it was an affair or not, just that it happened about six months ago. There probably have been other instances. I can't imagine she would do something that bad on a whim. It seems more likely that it has been going on for a while."

Their phone rang, interrupting any further conversation. Sharon grabbed it and started talking. Steve asked me a few quiet questions, but didn't seem to want to discuss anything important without Sharon there also. She had taken the phone into the kitchen so I wasn't able to make out what she was saying.

She walked back into the room carrying her coat. "That was Nicole. She said Jenny is a wreck and she needs my help. John, would it be OK with you if I went? Nicole was really upset and I think I should try to help if I can."

I couldn't see what her staying would accomplish so I just shrugged.

She looked at me intently, "I love both of you and I'd like to help if I can. Is there anything you want me to say about you or Danielle?"

I looked at her sternly. "I can't control what you and Steve do or say to her, that's not my business. I want to be clear though, she's not welcome in our lives. Anything I say to you two, I expect to be between us. If you feel like that's putting you in a position you are uncomfortable with, you need to let me know."

They both looked at me with surprised expressions. I don't think they understood the depth of her deception or my resolve. It was tough not to be totally honest with them, but I was certain they would rather not know everything. I knew that I'd definitely be uncomfortable with them knowing what my wife had done. Sharon kissed Steve and gave me a firm hug before leaving.

We didn't talk about anything important for the next few hours. Since the kids were entertaining themselves, we watched a basketball game. It seemed trivial, but I guess anything would at that point.

About seven o'clock, Sharon came back. She didn't waste any time letting me know I was in trouble. "John, please tell me it isn't true."

Steve looked surprised. "Honey, what's wrong?"

Sharon didn't take her eyes off of me. "John?"

"What should I have done Sharon? Apologized for not being enough of a man to keep her happy?" I said sarcastically. I knew the second the words came out of my mouth that it was a mistake.

"That's enough John." Steve said angrily. "You need to calm down." Turning to Sharon, he asked "Honey, what's going on?"

"It was terrible, Jenny was hysterical. She said John didn't just throw her out. He told her that he wouldn't talk to her anymore and would get a restraining order so she couldn't come near Danielle. Then he told her she had five minutes to pack and get out or he'd email the pictures to her family and work."

She turned back to me, "She said you sat there counting out loud, even when she had to say goodbye to Dani. John, I'll believe you if you say you didn't do that, you've never lied to me. Is this some kind of misunderstanding?" She stopped and looked hopefully at me.

Steve was quiet while I tried to defend myself. "I didn't want her in my house anymore. She's dangerous and shouldn't be around my daughter. I don't know what I should have done differently."

Sharon seemed undecided. She obviously realized that Jenny hadn't told her everything. "I'm not sure what's going on, but you didn't see her, she is devastated. We had to get her doctor to write a prescription for something so she could get some rest. John, she loves you and is very sorry about what she did. I understand you being angry, but why did you have to be so cruel? We've known each other for years, this isn't you."

I was suddenly feeling more tired than angry. "Look, I don't know what's right anymore, Sharon. I'm sorry I snapped at you before, I didn't mean anything by it. I'm tired, we should go. I really appreciate you guys putting up with me all day, I know it helped Dani to be here." I called for my daughter and we prepared to leave.

As I reached the door, Sharon stopped me and held me tightly. She whispered in my ear. "I don't know what to think about what you did, but I hope you change your mind." She looked down at Danielle. "For all of your sakes."

I left feeling stupid. It should have been clear that Sharon wouldn't like my reaction to Jenny, but I wasn't exactly thinking straight. I wondered if telling her everything would have made a difference.

I spent the next few days with Danielle, just trying to get our feet underneath us. No matter what I tried, I couldn't eat or sleep. The only thing keeping me together was knowing that I had to be there for her. She was so devastated I couldn't imagine how it would get better.

There were a couple of tense calls with Jenny's family, but they were surprisingly neutral. No one liked what I had done, but they also didn't want to be seen as taking her side. A week later Steve stopped by to see how I was and left me the number for a counselor he recommended highly. I told him I wasn't interested, but he told me he'd beat me like a drum if I didn't at least call.

I knew he was just trying to help so I promised to think about it. The more I toyed with the idea, the more sense it made. I wasn't any good to my daughter in the frame of mind I was in, so I decided to try it, at least once. I was able to get an appointment for Thursday, so dropped off Dani at Steve's house and headed out.

Steve's directions took me to an out of the way office park. It was a group of small offices that contained very different types of businesses. I checked the address a second time and couldn't believe what I was seeing. My friend had tricked me. The name on the office belonged to a Church.

After several moments of indecision, I decided to follow through with it because things really couldn't get much worse. As I walked through the door, it was easy to see this was a very low-profit organization. It looked like what you might do to your garage if you had twenty minutes of free time. A man in his early thirties walked in the room and smiled as he offered me his hand.

"You must be John," he said cordially. "I'm Bryan. Steve told me a lot about you. I hope I can be of some help."

I studied him closely trying to see if I could get a read on him. Although I wasn't against religion, I wasn't looking to get converted either. Despite attending Church when I was younger, I had tapered off after college and hadn't gone in years. I couldn't even remember why anymore.

Steve and Sharon went to Church all the time, but they hadn't done more than occasionally ask if Dani or I would like to go. Because they avoided pressuring us, I had come to respect their beliefs. If Bryan was a man Steve would recommend so highly, I decided it wouldn't hurt to hear him out.

He invited me back to his office and we talked. It turned out he started out as a licensed counselor, but walked away from it because he felt too many colleagues catered to people's narcissism. Bryan had used his religious background to change the way he viewed counseling. He took a job with the non-denominational church as a youth minister because it would allow him to work with kids, plus have time to use his skills to try and help people in need.

Now he considered himself an advisor who had a good foundation for his opinions. I knew he was somebody I wanted to talk to further when he told me, "A lot of people just needed a good kick in the ass to get their lives together."

That didn't sound like the typical psychobabble I was afraid of and it also didn't sound like some kind of recruitment speech. He was honest, blunt and entirely charismatic. Within minutes of the session beginning, I thought it might be a good idea after all.

After we talked about what he thought I could get from meeting with him, he asked about my thoughts. I didn't really have any idea, but promised to keep an open mind. The only thing I could think of was I just wanted to be able to deal with what Jenny had done. I needed to keep my sanity and not make things any worse for my daughter.

He listened intently to everything I told him. When I tried talking about what I had seen of the party, he politely stopped me. He wanted to know about me before I met her, about our dating life and my opinion of our married life. I even told him some of the details of our sex life (the more mild ones) and he didn't seem shocked or even surprised. I found that after over an hour of talking about all the good things, I felt a lot better.

Bryan informed me that he had to head over to the Church to do some work, but he'd like to see me again if I wouldn't mind. He reminded me that this wasn't true therapy and I shouldn't consider his advice as anything more than what I would get from talking to a priest or rabbi. He encouraged me to seek professional therapy if I desired it, but I let him know I wasn't interested right now. Besides, as a single father who just lost half the family income, I couldn't afford it anyway.

Bryan assured me that his sessions would be at no charge, but unlike seeing a professional, he would have conditions I'd have to agree to if I wished to continue. He told me we could worry about it later when I knew better what I wanted to do. I went home feeling almost like myself. Unfortunately it didn't take long for things to return to normal.

I went home to grab something for Steve I forgot to bring with me earlier. When I pulled up to the house I saw Jenny's sister Nicole waiting for me on the porch. I really didn't want to talk to her at that moment. Not only was I afraid of ruining the first taste of a good mood I'd had since I threw Jenny out, I honestly liked Nicole. I wasn't looking forward to a confrontation with someone who had never treated me with anything but kindness. With a sigh of resignation, I walked to the porch.

"We need to talk," she said firmly. It was simple, straight to the point and I knew she wasn't going anywhere until I listened, so I invited her in. I asked if she'd like something to drink. She declined, so while I grabbed a drink for myself, she took a seat on the couch. When I returned, I sat across from her and waited for her to speak.

"Jenny is miserable. She hasn't been herself since she walked through the door. She cries all the time, she doesn't eat and I'm worried about what she's thinking. Although she took two weeks of family leave from work, I don't believe she's planning on going back. She told me what you found out and I understand your anger," Nicole paused before continuing. "But this punishment of yours is too much."

"Taking Danielle away is cruel, why would do something like that? You should at least give her the chance to explain what happened. Even if you can't forgive her, please let her tell you her side of the story. Do it for her, for Danielle, for yourself or for whatever the hell makes you happy, but I'm begging you to talk to her."

I considered what she said while I sipped my drink. Part of me wanted to try to understand, but part of me was afraid to know more than I already did. I knew she had done something the night before and the night after the video. I didn't know if I could take the truth. Nicole was in a difficult situation, but I had to be honest.

"I just can't right now. I'm sorry but I'm still so angry that if I see her it could turn into Friday night all over again. What I did was harsh, maybe too harsh, but it's done. I don't trust her around my daughter and I have no desire to be in the same room with her. I know you're in a tough spot, being in the middle of this, but my answer is no."

Nicole looked at me sadly. For just a second it almost seemed like she was looking at me with pity, rather than sadness for her sister. That didn't make any sense so I dismissed it as just my imagination. She left with a quick hug, which caught me off guard. I had prepared myself for yelling and swearing. Nothing had made sense since I saw the video and this just added to the weirdness.

I struggled through the next two weeks without any significant surprises. I had a decent talk with Jenny's mom and assured her she could see Danielle any time she wanted. My only condition was that Jenny wasn't allowed to see her. I reminded her that Danielle wouldn't lie to me, so I'd find out if they went behind my back. I sincerely hoped it wouldn't come to that, too much had already been taken from my little girl.

My weekly meetings with Bryan continued. Our fourth meeting became a turning point for everything. The first meeting had been very constructive for me. I left feeling better about things, but there was no way to sustain it. Our subsequent meetings were much like the first. I walked in that day, expecting to have a similar talk.

Bryan didn't waste any time bursting that illusion. "John, do you remember our first conversation?"

I wasn't sure which part in particular he was referring to, so I just said yes.

"I've let you talk for three weeks uninterrupted. It's confirmed my initial observation that you are indeed a good man and a good father. The problem is that you're not seeing the truth." He paused to let the statement sink in.

"This is going to be a time when you need to remember that I'm a preacher and I'm not always going to talk to you the way a professional counselor would." When I indicated that I understood, he continued. "A terrible thing happened to you and your family. Now you have to make a real decision about what comes next in your life. Are you going to be a victim and wander aimlessly, or are you going to step up and be a man."

That caught me off guard. I spoke evenly, despite my annoyance. "What exactly are you suggesting, Bryan?"

"First, you need to know why this thing happened to you. Next, you need to decide what to do about it. Third," he paused again, looking at me firmly, "You need to ask your wife to forgive you."

If it wasn't for the shock that statement caused me, I probably would have stormed out. Instead I looked at him stupidly, wondering if this was some kind of joke.

"I'm not kidding, John. If you are going to recover from this, you need to realize how wrong you were and what it's cost you."

"Cost me?" I shrieked. "My wife's behavior cost me my marriage. My daughter's a wreck. Jenny's family can barely tolerate talking to me and my best friends treat me like I have the plague. How can you talk to me about cost?"

"See, now that's the victim I was talking about. Your choices caused all the things you just described. You made your decisions and are living with the consequences. I sit here listening to you talk about how great your life was, then one event causes a complete collapse of everything."

My anger began to build, "So what are you suggesting, I'm wrong for being upset that she cheated on me? Not an affair, not a one night stand, but a complete betrayal of everything we had. A whole weekend of being a slut, doing it in public and doing it with who knows how many men and women."

Bryan gave me a withering look but he didn't change his tone as he continued. "I never suggested you shouldn't be upset and I never suggested you shouldn't divorce her. You are well within your rights to do both. I said you needed to find out about the reasons for her betrayal and you need to ask for forgiveness for using your daughter to hurt her." His looked changed to something resembling the way I would look at Danielle when she wasn't behaving.

"People have such a wrong-headed view of forgiveness. It's not the act of alleviating someone's wrongdoing, it's allowing the burden to be taken from you. Right now you are acting as judge, jury and executioner. You are doing it to a person who you still love and the guilt is ruining your life." When he was sure I was actually listening and trying to make sense out of what he was saying, he continued.

"There is a true story of a mother whose son was murdered. She lived in grief for several years until she went to see the man convicted of killing him. After meeting him in jail, she forgave him. The simple act of giving up her hatred allowed her to go on with her life. It didn't make her like him or understand what he had done. It didn't change his punishment or the way society treated him. She just needed to get rid of the pain to do something constructive with her life."

"But that's different," I argued. "Even if I could buy into that story, that woman forgave someone who destroyed her life. Why in the hell do I have to ask Jenny to forgive me, even if I did overreact?"

"Think about all the good things you've told me about your wife. How much you loved her and what a positive impact she has had on your life. You tell me if I'm wrong, has this punishment made your life or Danielle's any better?"

I looked down at my hands, unable to admit that he was right. My treatment of her didn't make me happy and the pain it was putting my daughter through was like a weight on my heart. When he saw I wasn't going to defend myself, he continued.

"John, without having to get all Biblical on you, any mental health professional will tell you that holding on to your anger is a negative. This vendetta you're on can only keep you mired in the misery you've been feeling. I like you and want to see you get better. I don't believe that's going to happen unless you confront your fears. Whether you see it or not, I believe it's your fear of what you might find out that is keeping you from moving on. I don't want to sit here and see you in pain when you have the power to improve things, maybe even get past it."

"Bryan, I don't know," I said slowly, trying to take in everything he was saying. "I still don't see what me forgiving her has to do with anything."

He looked at me sympathetically. "It takes you away from being a victim and allows you to take charge again. Right now, what Jenny did is running your life; dictating your decisions. By stepping past your pain and treating your wife with compassion, I think you'll find the strength to deal with the rest of this."

"So you're not saying you are expecting me to forgive her for doing this to me or to give her another chance?" I asked, still confused.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "This is all about you regaining the feeling of being in charge of your life. Part of it comes from you proving that you're not afraid. The other part is by showing her compassion, you'll gain back some of the self-respect you feel like you've lost. The biggest thing is opening the lines of communications so that there is an opportunity for Danielle to at least see her and be assured that she's Ok. You don't really think she's dangerous, do you?"

I looked at him for a moment, then dropped my eyes again. "No, she's not dangerous. I was just angry. She's been a wonderful mother to Danielle."

"That's exactly what I'm talking about," he said, sounding relieved. "Yes, you got to exact revenge on her, but has it made you happy? What about your daughter? Deep down, I believe with all my heart that you are tearing yourself up over how you're handling this. You know it is possible to end things with her civilly if you can find the inner-strength to do it."

"I'd like you to think about everything before we talk about another session. I don't know if it would help for us to meet again until you take steps to get control of your life. I would also like to suggest you think about the idea of inviting Jenny to a session. I think you might find it very helpful in finding a way to work through your pain." He paused for emphasis. "I promise you John, I have no agenda to try to push you two back together. In fact, if you don't belong together, I think it would be very harmful to Danielle for you to force it."

I sat there trying to absorb everything he said. Our sessions had been very helpful up to that point, so I believed what he said about encouraging me to do what he felt would help me get better. I just couldn't get my head around everything that quickly.

I left feeling very different from the previous sessions. Surprisingly I wasn't that upset by Bryan's statements. I just wasn't sure if I was ready to talk to her or how to go about it. Since I hadn't spoken to Jenny since I threw her out, it seemed an impossible task. Even if I took him at his word that it would help me, how was I going to get past my anger at what she had done and actually ask her to forgive me? I couldn't even imagine doing a session with her. That would be like saying there was a way we could fix things and that was out of the question.

I called Steve to ask if they could watch Dani overnight, then I took a really long drive. There were too many memories at home and I needed to think. I stopped after a couple of hours and rented a hotel room. It was a sleepless night as I spent most of it walking the grounds or pacing in my room. I finally made my decision in time to get about two hours of sleep.

Just before I picked up Dani, I called Nicole. I got a very icy "Hello." It got much warmer when I asked if we could come over to see Jenny. I thought I heard her sniff back a tear when she told me they'd be home all day. I said she could tell Jenny or keep it a surprise, whatever she thought would be best. On the way I told Danielle that we were going to see her step-mom.

I thought about the things I had been told about her not eating and crying all the time and was afraid of the effect it might have on Danielle, especially after losing her mother to cancer. I decided to tell Danielle something to lessen the impact of seeing Jenny so depressed.

"Honey," I told her, "Jenny had been very sad since I asked her to leave. She needs you to make her feel better and take care of her for the day." Dani brightened as she saw herself in the role of caregiver to her step-mom.

She solemnly promised to take good care of Jenny and I knew she would be too busy with her responsibilities to be upset. It didn't even occur to her to ask why I had asked Jenny to go because she was so focused on helping. I was more proud of her than I thought was possible.

When we arrived, Nicole met me at the door with a hug. "Thank you for this, John. I've been so worried about her. I didn't know what else I could do to help."

I stared at her intently. "You know this doesn't change anything between us. I just think it's the right thing to do." There didn't seem to be a need to mention Bryan or his offer.

"It's a start. You need to prepare yourself." Her expression was grave, but she didn't elaborate. She turned and said loudly, "Jenny, we have visitors."

I heard a gasp from the other side of the room, quickly followed by Danielle screaming "Jenny!" She ran to her step-mom and threw herself into her, almost knocking Jenny over.

I felt my knees wobble as I took in the changes in my wife. She was painfully thin, looking like she couldn't be more than ninety pounds. Her face was pale and gaunt, making her look half dead. There were dark circles under her eyes indicating she hadn't slept well in days, maybe weeks. Her hair was unwashed, she was wearing wrinkled sweats and there was a listless shuffle to her gait. I couldn't have imagined a more horrifying vision of the only woman I had ever loved.

I watched as the two of them hugged and cried. Danielle began talking a mile a minute, trying to catch Jenny up on five weeks of events. The scene reminded me of how selfish I had been. Finally I couldn't take anymore.

"Ah, Jenny?" I said, causing her to look up at me. "I have to go out for a few hours, would you like Dani to stay here with you?" I wanted them to have time to spend together, but didn't want her to feel obligated in case she didn't feel up to it.

She spoke, her voice sounding as thin as she looked. "I'd love her to stay. Thank you."

I excused myself and went out. There wasn't anywhere for me to be, but I couldn't stay there any longer. I decided to go home and try to get a short nap, but it was a waste of time. No matter how hard I tried, the image of Jenny was front and center in my mind. How could she do that to herself? I felt betrayed by her cheating, but I was still living my life. What I saw at Nicole's was far beyond what I expected.

Finally, I decided it was time to head back. When I got there, Nicole told me that Jenny and Danielle were upstairs drawing. She thanked me again for changing my mind. I didn't know how to respond so just nodded and mumbled something. I told her I wanted to send Dani down so I could talk to Jenny for a minute. Nicole promised to keep an eye on her. She couldn't stop herself from giving me a hug, which made me feel a little better about what was to come.

I got to the guest room and saw the two of them chatting and playing cheerfully. I swallowed my pride and knocked on the open door.

"Daddy!" Dani cried, running up to hug me. I couldn't help but notice that she seemed to be much happier and more relaxed than she had been lately. She had been so guarded since Jenny left, it had been killing me. I gave her a kiss and told her that Nicole needed to talk to her downstairs. She told Jenny she'd be right back, giving her a hug before running out. I walked in the room and sat down at the desk, while Jenny got up and sat on the edge of the bed, looking very nervous.

Despite my own discomfort I spoke, trying to sound confident. "We need to talk, but I'm not sure how to start."

She seemed intent on saying something, but changed her mind. "John, I want to thank you for letting Danielle come over. It means a lot to me."

I nodded as a reply. "I don't want this to be a one-time thing." When she began to speak I stopped her. "Please let me finish. I want you to see her when you want or any time I need a sitter. It's important for her. However there are three conditions I have to ask you to agree to." She didn't say anything, but I could see she was anxious about what I might demand.

"Number one, there can never be any men over while she's with you." I saw her get ready to defend herself, so I raised my hand to stop her. "I know you're going to say you wouldn't do that, but I have to demand it anyway. If any guy, even one of our friends, wants to stop by, you have to ask me first. Also, Megan can never see my daughter, period. If I find out that you haven't lived up to this, I'll have to stop the visits immediately and there won't be any more chances."

I paused and let her know she could answer. "There are no other men John. Even if there was, I wouldn't ever do something like that to her. Megan isn't an issue; I haven't talked to her in months."

I nodded to show her I believed what she said. I made sure she was finished before continuing.

"Two, you have to start taking care of yourself." I saw her turn and blush, so I slid the chair in front of her and took her hand. "I know you've been depressed. Everyone has been telling me how upset you've been and I should have listened. Dani is going to pick up on how you're feeling. She needs to know that you're OK for her own peace of mind. I'm worried about you too, but don't do it for me. Do it for her ... all right?"