Chapter 19: The Good of the Country

Eric Esterhazy MP

2045

Eric was infuriated. The Prime Minister had just humiliated him in front of the whole Cabinet. What kind of a woman was she? An out and out bitch, that's what.

Moreover, it wasn't as if he could defend himself by claiming that he'd been misquoted since his words had been broadcast live on national television. On Fox News UK, naturally.

"I got a little carried away," Eric told the Prime Minister. "Of course, I didn't mean to say that Muslims from Uzbekistan and Turkmenistan should migrate to Mecca if the situation got much worse. I was merely trying to suggest that the Islamic community already have a good system for handling the refugee problem should the war get much worse."

"It's a very delicate matter, Eric," said Dominic, the Foreign Secretary. "There's a huge arsenal of nuclear weapons in the region. The Iranians, the Russians, the Ukrainians and some of the Stans themselves: it's a tinderbox. The last thing we want is for the Minister for Housing and Urban Regeneration to make any ill-advised remarks. Thankfully, only the pinko newspapers and the BBC have picked up on it. With luck, it'll just fizzle out. But this isn't the time to exacerbate a tense situation."

"I agree with the Prime Minister," said Ivan Eisenegger, the Minister for Education and Welfare. "It's not only international opinion we have to handle with care. British Muslims of all ethnic origins expect constructive and sensitive diplomacy from the government with regards to our dealings with the belligerent nations. As far as the British government is concerned, the conflict isn't about religion. Nor even about culture. If anything, it has far more to do with water and oil."

When did Ivan ever disagree with the Prime Minister? And yet in private Ivan's views were, if anything, rather more robust than Eric's although he was noticeably reluctant about voicing them on Fox News UK. If Ivan had chosen to say in front of the television camera half of what he said to Eric in private then he'd fit right in. But Ivan's ambitions seemed set on a more distant goal than the Housing Minister's.

Eric, on the other hand, was the member of the Cabinet who appeared most often on television. Fox News UK knew he could always be relied on to express what the network considered to be the moderate side on any matter of national debate. Yes, the issue of immigration was becoming ever more worrying but there should be no discrimination against UK citizens of any complexion. Yes, there was evidence of climate change, despite the recent cold winter, but Eric wasn't convinced that the blame could be entirely attributed to the aviation and automobile industries. Yes, flood defences were ineffective and the catastrophic flooding of East Anglia and Southend and the number of lives lost was tragic, but we must remember the high cost of dealing with the problem and the fact that there are other more pressing issues. Yes, military defence was an ever-increasing burden on the UK's shrinking GNP and the arms were mostly bought from China and Russia, but a strong nation needed strong defence. Yes, Eric was speechless with disgust at the recent revelations regarding the crimes committed by paedophile and prostitution rings operating in the Southern Counties. Eric Esterhazy was the man Fox News UK liked to parade on the screen when an unerringly conservative opinion needed to be phrased with both reassuring sympathy and apparent authority.

Eric did very well out of this arrangement. The fees for appearing on television were undeniably generous. There were also the proceeds from the newspaper articles that he dashed off for the affiliated newspapers and websites. He was now one of the country's most well-known politicians and his wife and family were very proud of him. Even his constituents were starstruck by the Surrey MP who was more often seen on television than he ever was in Reigate.

"I'm worried, Eddie," Eric confessed to the Director of News and Opinion when he was next at the Fox News UK studio. "The Prime Minister called me out in front of the whole Cabinet regarding my unguarded remarks about the 'Stani ragheads. I think I might be treading on thin ice."

"The bitch!" said Eddie as he patted his good friend on the back. "After all you've done. What do you suggest we do?"

"What do you think the boss would say?"

Eddie mused about that. "I could ring America and find out, but I don't think he'd appreciate that. My guess is that he'd recommended you cool it. You're our man in the Cabinet. We can lean on the Prime Minister, but she has to kowtow to the pinkos in the coalition. You're a reliable man, but there's not a lot that a Minister of slums and slum clearance can do. Your path to promotion is off-limits unless we can get some shit to stick to that liberal pinko in Number Eleven. We'll keep you well away from discussions relating to immigration and foreign policy. That way you won't put your foot in it again."

"It was a simple mistake, Eddie."

"We don't mind ex-ministers, bloggers and talk show hosts coming on a bit strong, but a Cabinet Minister has got to be much more wishy-washy. We don't want the coalition to collapse. And most of all we don't want to let the red scum and their slimy green allies into government. That would be a fucking disaster. I'll have to think about it, but in the meantime what we'll try and do is position you more as an expert on business and the economy. Do you know much about that kind of stuff?"

"My degree's in Classical History," said Eric.

"And you didn't even get a first, you wanker," laughed Eddie. "Too busy chasing skirt I guess."

"I was active in the National Union of Students."

"Yeah. That was when there was such a thing. You did well enough to get to be Union President or something, didn't you? But at the moment, it's Economics I reckon you should be boning up on. I take it you're numerate?"

"Numerate, Eddie?" said Eric, affronted. "Yes, I can do arithmetic."

"As long as you don't make the same bloopers that other politicians do when they calculate compound interest or when they misunderstand statistics and probability then we can get you on a few business discussion programs. I also take it you're fully cognisant of your government's rather feeble economic policies, Eric?"

"They've not changed for over half a century, have they?" said Eric. "Lower taxes. Cuts in Public Spending. Incentives for Business. Target the workshy and encourage the wealthmakers."

"Well, yes, Eric. The policies remain the same, but the words we use to express conservative economic theory have to change with the times. If it sounds like a broken record then there are plenty of liberal media twats who'll jump on what a minister says and point out where this or that economic theory hasn't worked in the past. You need to sound bold, adventurous and modern. I think we can get our business guys to ply you with a few links to websites that can give you the concepts and the jargon you need. The conservative agenda will never go forward if it sounds like it's standing still or even going back. It's a step by step process. Look at the success we've had in America."