Chapter 2

The one good thing about being down, the only way is up and I was determined to get up. I needed to cut a thousand pounds a month from the running costs of the company and in the short term there was only one way of doing that. One of the tyre fitters would either have to go. Eric was with the company when I took it over. He was forty five, had a wife and two children to support. Tom, on the other hand was only twenty two and had only been with me for three years. He was young free and single. I had only taken him on because Julie did not like me coming home black from the tyres and smelling of rubber. It seemed like no contest but I still didn't like doing it. I got in early that Monday and was doing my calculations when the boys turned up. It was just at that point that I had a brainwave. I called them both into the office and l put my cards on the table. I had to cut a thousand pounds a month and their salaries were the only things I could cut. I told Eric he was safe and outlined my reasons. Then I turned to Tom.

"You understand why it has to be you don't you Tom?" I asked him.

"Yeah, Eric's got more years than me and more commitments. It don't make it any easier though does it" he said.

"No Tom it doesn't but I might be able to sweeten it a bit. I have got to check my calculations but I think that I could probably afford to keep you on for sixteen hours a week. It would be a big drop in income for you but it would still be better than benefits. In addition to that you could go to college and study to be a mechanic. The company will pay your course fees."

He brightened up a bit. I knew that the college would appeal to him, he had often said how he wished he had taken the opportunity when it was there.

"Talk to me again at the end of the day" I said " I will know for sure whether that will give me enough of a saving by then and you will know whether you want to take me up on it."

Neither of them were particularly happy about our conversation but I hoped that I had convinced them. It really was the only way to stop us all being out of work. My next action was to ring Clare and ask her to check the rules on part time employment and my figures on employers National insurance contributions. I needed to ensure that my idea was actually feasible. Clare agreed to check and get back to me. Then I phoned the social services number to arrange to see my children. I hadn't seen them since this whole sorry mess kicked off and I wanted to get something sorted out as soon as possible.

The girl at the social services office outlined what supervised access was all about. It seemed that the kids had to taken to their offices where I would be allowed to be in the same room with them. A social worker would be present at all times. I felt my anger rising as she told me all this. They were my kids and I had never harmed a hair of their heads, yet I was being treated like some child molester. Before I exploded I heard Clare's voice in my head.

"Just remember Greg baby, they hold all the cards. Get angry with them and it will only put back the day when you get proper access"

I regained a semblance of calm and made an appointment for 3pm on the Wednesday.

Just after lunch Clare called and congratulated me on finding a workable solution. Now if Tom was O.K. with it I had the chance to get out with minimum casualties. He came into the office just before we shut up shop.

"If I can't manage and find another full time job, do I have to pay back the course fees" he asked

"No" I said "I am hoping you will want to come back as soon as I have enough work for you but if you need the money and find another job, then you go and owe me nothing."

"If I don't take this then I am out of work aren't I. Sounds like I can't lose" he said.

Tom and I shook hands on the deal and he agreed to start on reduced hours from the beginning of the following week.

On the Wednesday afternoon I arrived at 2.30pm and was shown to a waiting room. A number of people came and went while I was sat there. One of them a rather severe looking woman in her early forties looked at me each time she passed. On the third pass she stopped.

"Mr Maitland" she said "It is absolutely pointless you turning up so early. You will not see your wife she will be brought in through a different entrance."

"I am not waiting to see my Ex-wife" I corrected her "I was hoping to talk to one of you folks for a while."

"I'm sorry Mr Maitland we cannot discuss your case any changes in the access rules will be dealt with in accordance with strict criteria already laid down."

I got up and noticed that she stepped backwards.

"Any attempt at intimidation will only count against you" she said.

"Whoa, hold on there," I said "What is all this talk of intimidation? I was just hoping for a little advice."

She seemed to soften and stopped backing away.

"Advice about what" she asked "You know I cannot discuss your case"

"And I wouldn't want you to" I replied "I am sure you have been acquainted with the case, I was a right bastard to my wife and I know it. After my trial she told me that I needed help. You know proper professional help, to stop me flying off the handle like that. Well I got to thinking that maybe she was right but I don't know how to go about it. I was rather hoping that someone here could point me in the right direction."

She was suddenly a bit tongue tied she blushed a bit and even gave me half a smile.

"I am sorry Mr Maitland. I should have given you more chance. If you saw some of the people we get coming here for supervised visits you would understand why we get a bit prickly."

"I read the papers" I said

"You enjoy your visit Mr Maitland and when you come out just press the buzzer and ask for Janice and I will let you know what I have found out."

Just as she was about to leave the room she stopped. "Mr Maitland," she said "do I recall correctly? You were a soldier weren't you?"

"Royal Marine" I corrected her "and please call me Greg."

"O.K. I will see what I can find for you Greg" and with that she disappeared.

As the door opened and the children saw me. Annabel, now nearly five came running across the room to me. Grace was a little more reluctant.

For anyone who has not experienced supervised visits they must do as much to damage good parent relationships as they do to protect children. You are limited to the use of one room and a social worker is present with you the whole time. They watch what you do and they listen to what you say. Nothing can be private. There is a panic button on the wall for them to summon assistance and some are fitted with a two way mirror so a team can actually observe you. To say that it is a pressurised environment would be understating the case.

Grace sat on the floor and I sat with her playing with the toys. That is when I realised how little I knew about how to play with a three and a half year old girl. Annabel was slightly easier but she asked awkward questions like "Why don't you live in our house any more?"

The first hour flew by but as the children got bored with the toys provided the second hour really dragged. I was ready when the social worker told me time was up. On the way out I did indeed ring for Janice and this time she came out all smiles.

"Ah Mr Maitland, sorry, Greg. You will be pleased to know that I have found you a place on a scheme run especially to cater for the needs of ex service personnel."

"It seems,"she went on "that you are not the only one who has had difficulty adjusting to civilian life"

"I coped fine till about four months ago" I said.

"Apparently that is quite common," she said. "I had a long chat to the man that runs the project, he said that people can behave normally for years and appear to have made a perfect adjustment then some trauma occurs and they revert to battlefield mentality. He really was very interesting and I think he will be able to help you. I have taken the liberty of making you an appointment for four pm on Friday. I hope that is all right."

"All right?" I said "Janice I could kiss you"

She blushed and said "You had better not, I don't think my husband would understand"

"In that case tell him to give you an extra big one from me" I said as she blushed even more.

Not so long ago I would have laughed at the idea of seeing a shrink. Not so long ago I would never have believed that I could assault my wife. In spite of the unsatisfactory visit I left the building with a light heart and made my way back to Clare's place.

Over dinner that night I told her about my visit and about my chats with Janice.

"You silver tongued devil" she laughed. "You couldn't have done your case any more good if you had planned it."

I must have looked puzzled.

"Don't you see?" she asked "They would have suggested all of that at the case conference. Then they would have waited till the next conference, to judge whether you had complied. All that time you would have been on supervised visits. Now at their first conference anyone who suggests anger management or behaviour modification will be shot down in flames because you are already doing it voluntarily. With any luck your new friend Janice will be on the team and you will already have an ally."

"Well that isn't the reason I did it." I told her "I can't get over what I did to Julie. Even when she was outside naked and bleeding I could feel nothing for her. If I can do that to someone I love, I could end up killing someone just because they upset me..."

Clare grabbed my arm and crushed her head against my shoulder. "You're not the sort to go killing people," she said.

"I am and I have" I said

"Yeah on the battlefield with a gun." she said

"On and off the battlefield, with guns knives and even my bare hands. Do you know what? my country said I was a good guy and gave me medals for it." I said.

I saw her expression change when I mentioned bare hands. Suddenly she realised how serious it could be.

That Friday I drove down to Aldershot to see the shrink, counsellor or whatever he called himself. I was somewhat surprised when I actually met him. He introduced himself as John. Around the office were a number of pictures of him in uniform but with different groups of men. When I asked, he told me of seeing action in the Falklands and the first Gulf War. Back in civvy street he had studied psychology and as a final year project he had carried out a study on the effects of conflicts on returning soldiers. He told me how he had begun to see something that other people seemed to have missed. Everyone knew about things like Post Traumatic Stress disorder but he had noticed how many ex servicemen ended up in prison for violent crimes. Although it was not a large proportion of prisoners, it was disproportionately large when compared to the number of ex-servicemen in the population. This had won him funding for further investigation and to set up his treatment centre.

After this introduction, he asked me to describe the situation that had led to my trial and ultimately to being in his office. I told him all about the video and how I had physically thrown Julie out, stark naked, into the street.

"When you had finished, did you feel sorry for her?" he asked.

"No"

"Why was that Greg?"

"I don't know I suppose I thought she had brought it on herself and didn't deserve my sympathy." I told him.

"If another man, maybe a friend of yours, had the same experience and tried to do the same thing to his wife, would you condone it?"

"Of course not," I said "I would try to stop him"

"Why"

"That's a stupid bloody question." I said "because it is wrong. Because you can't treat a woman like that."

"But you did Greg, and what is more, you had no sympathy for her afterwards. Why do you think that is?" he asked.

When I couldn't answer that question he moved on

"Do you hate your wife Greg"

"Good god No" I said "I miss her so bad it hurts. I would take her back tomorrow if she would have me"

"If she had done what you thought she had done, would you hate her then?"

"Well I wouldn't want her back, if that is what you are asking?"

"But would you hate her." he asked "hate her enough to want to kill her"

"No not like that" I said.

"Yet you hated Julie without even knowing that she had definitely done what you thought didn't you." he pressed "hated her enough to kill her if she had fought back"

"That is why you could feel no sympathy. You hated her the same way as you hated the Taliban bastards who were blowing up your mates."

The interview progressed in a similar manner. He kept showing up the conflicts within me and making me confront them. It was not a comfortable hour. As our time came to an end he brought up the subject of anger.

"The way I see it Greg for you anger is tied to hatred. When someone makes you angry for a short time you really hate that person. Such a link can be very useful on the battlefield, it is what makes some men heroes and what earns them medals. In civilian life it gets you thrown in prison."

"What we have to do," he continued "is to break that link and then help you to channel your anger and aggression into something more productive."

When I left his office I just sat in my car with my head in my hands. My head had never been in such a state not even when returning from our worst Afghan patrols. It was not a warm evening but I still left the top down and aimed the Morgan homeward.

When I got back to Clare's place she looked at me and I saw her face drop.

"My God what has happened to you?" she asked "you look like shit"

I really couldn't face any more questions so I went to my room and tried to read, and then to sleep.

Over the next couple of weeks the sessions did get a bit easier to take and my supervised visits got easier as I learned to take things like colouring books and crayons with me. My relationship, with Janice became much more friendly she asked me to sign a release form so that they could contact John for information about my state of mind and whether I was a danger. On the sixth week of my visits she came out to see me with a big smile on her face.

"We had a case conference about you yesterday," she said. "You will be pleased to know that we do not see any need to continue with the supervision. From now on it will be up to you and your wife to work out visitation. I hope that is good news."

"It's the best" I said. "You tell that husband of yours that he had better look after you or I might just get you to weaken."

"I have already told him that I have been flirting with a handsome young soldier" she said laughingly.

"Marine" I corrected her.

"Whatever," she said "good luck with the visitation and if you need any help you know where we are."

The knowledge that I would no longer have someone watching me like a hawk whenever I went near my children was a big relief. It made it worth all the therapy sessions, that were still tearing me apart. I knew that Julie would not be difficult with me over visitation. We agreed that to start I would have them every other Sunday and that would take in the whole weekend as soon as I had somewhere to live where they could stay over. She even offered to let me use the house so that I did not feel I had to find somewhere to take them each time.

When I turned up at the house for my first visit Julie was very friendly. We sat down and enjoyed a coffee together. She asked my how things were going at work and said that she had met Eric and his wife in the supermarket. Eric had told her that I had cut Tom's hours. I told her that I had discovered that she had been subsidising the company and now, without that subsidy and with the demands of the CSA and half the mortgage, economies had to be made.

"I am sorry about hiding my cash injections from you. I couldn't think of a better way of putting cash in your pocket but looking back it might have been better to let you work out your own solution."

I couldn't believe this, she was apologising for helping me out and trying to preserve my dignity.

"About the CSA payments" she said "You do know that I don't get that money. I claim a single parent's tax allowance but that is all I get out of it. We can both try to appeal to them to reduce it if you like."

"Maybe" I said.

"Well I just wanted you to know that it is not me that wants to cripple you financially"

"I have never thought that." I told her

We finished our coffee and she told me that she was going to spend the day with her parents and left me with the girls. It was good to be back in the house and with my two daughters. I looked around and was surprised to see our wedding photograph still displayed in the usual place. Then I realised that Julie was also still wearing her rings.

Later that week I got a call from my solicitor. He told me that Julie was willing to give up her share of my business if I was willing to give up my share of the house.

"What do you mean, her share of the business?" I asked "this is my business, always has been"

"Not any more Mr Maitland the court awarded your wife fifty percent of all of your joint assets. Your business is one of those assets and as such your wife is entitled to fifty percent."

I said nothing I was still trying to take it in. At first I stated to feel angry but I reminded my self that it was anger got me into this.

"Your wife is not trying to screw you."the solicitor said "It is true that your house would be worth significantly more than your business but your wife is offering to take over full responsibility for the mortgage. If you agree then we can wrap this up with the court."

"Yeah what the hell" I said "At least there will be something that is mine"

"Very well" he said " I will send the documents to your business address, all you need to do is sign them and return them."

I agreed to do just that. I did wonder whether Julie was trying to help me out by taking over responsibility for the mortgage and enabling me to support myself. I found myself confused she was obviously trying to help me cope with the divorce so she must still care but she gave no indication that she wanted to get back together. When I received the papers I did sign them and return them and yes I was more able to cope without the mortgage. When I tried to talk to Julie about it at the next access visit all she would say was,

"It was never my intention to punish you Greg, after all you are my children's father."

Relations continued to improve and once or twice she even rang me and asked me to pick up the girls from nursery. This made it all the more difficult to accept when the Decree Absolute dropped through the door. That was it, my marriage was over and nothing I could do could bring it back.

Clare took me out to dinner that evening in an attempt to cheer me up. It didn't really work in fact it sort of made things worse. I started to feel that she was acting like we were a couple rather than just two friends.

Following the decree absolute I got the accounts from both my own and Julie's solicitors. Along with that came a cheque for more than five thousand pounds. Apparently that was my share of our joint assets after the lawyers had been paid. I knew that it was not my assets so that must have come from Julie's accounts. I had never been comfortable with Julie bringing home so much more than me and now to be taking her money seemed wrong. I sent the cheque back to her solicitors with a letter saying that I was refusing to accept it.

Julie and I were getting on reasonably well and I decided that for now I would be happy with that. However, there were some things that had to change. Living with Clare was not working out. From my side it was always two friends sharing a house and sometimes a bed. From Clare's side of things I thought I saw a change. She had started to ask me to accompany her to social engagements where I would be introduced as her partner or her toy boy. Even when I slept in my own bed I frequently wake up to find her kneeling at the side of my bed with her head bobbing up and down on my morning glory. One evening we had a long chat about it and agreed that I should move out.

I found myself a small flat over a takeaway in the town centre.

The other thing that had to change was that I somehow had to turn my business into something that would support a family. I had made a start but now I had to go further. I had an idea but it required capital. Capital that I didn't have. I was on my way down to Aldershot for my weekly session with John when it struck me. Of course I had capital, I was driving it. A five year old Morgan +4 in mint condition was worth a considerable sum. With a four year waiting list for a new one there would be no problem selling it. We had a small company van that I could use so whatever I got for the Morgan would finance my project. I investigated as soon as I got back.

Eric couldn't believe it when the buyer came to pick up the Morgan. He came straight into our little office.

"Are we in trouble boss?" he asked

"No" I said "why should we be"

"That car was your pride and joy" he said "When you lost Julie I thought He has always got the Morgan to lavish affection on. So why have you sold it"

"I needed the money for something" I told him "Stick around long enough and you will see what."

On my next visit to the children Julie was obviously not happy.

"You've sold the Morgan" she said "yet you sent the divorce settlement money back. Do you hate me that much that you can't bear to take anything from me."

"I don't hate you." I told her "I'd give my right arm not to have done what I did, and to be still married to you. Don't you see, that was your money. Taking that would have been like profiting from my own bad behaviour."

"But you sold the Morgan, you loved that car. I always looked on that as my main competition. Eric said that you needed the money. So why didn't you ask me?"

"Julie" I said "It may have escaped your notice but you are no longer my wife. I don't like that fact one little bit but I have accepted that it is true. Thanks to the deal our solicitors did you no longer have any interest in J & G tyre services. So when I am looking for money to invest in the business then I look first to the bank and then to releasing my own assets. If I have to have a life without you then that business has got to bring in enough to support a family outright. I intend to see that it does and I intend to do it on my own. Anyway when does Eric feed you all this information."

She looked a bit embarrassed for revealing her sources.

"I often see him and his wife in the supermarket on Friday nights. He is worrying about his job but he also worries about you."

"Well he has no need to worry on either account." I told her "In the next couple of weeks he will see what I wanted the money for. Meanwhile driving around in a connoisseur's sports car is a luxury I can do without."

I gathered up the girls and took them out for the day. When I returned Julie only wanted to talk about what we had been doing so I guess she accepted the situation.

In the next two weeks I bought a Transit drop side truck and mounted a petrol driven compressor on the back. I put tyre changing jigs on the back and also got heavy duty pneumatic jacks. I got Tom in to cover and sent Eric on a couple of courses on the use of the airbag jacks and changing lorry tyres on the road. The motorway passed within a couple of miles of our workshop and I was going to get in on the lucrative business of emergency tyre services for commercial vehicles.

It took about six months for the new venture to start paying off, but pay off it did. The hauliers were willing to pay whatever it took to get their trucks back on the road and with Europ Assistance and Mondial Services using us, I was in need of more help. I had already got Tom back working as many hours as he could manage but he was unwilling to give up his college course. I couldn't blame him for that. When I checked with Clare I found that the company had never been in such a sound financial state.

My weekly trips to Aldershot had become less stressful. We had got past the confronting the problem stage and John had got me into group therapy. I missed driving the Morgan down there. The little company van just was not the same. My life was definitely on the up yet still there was something missing. It was not sex, I could get that when I wanted it. Clare and I were still keeping each other supplied in that department. However, the only person for whom I had any strong emotional attachment, did not want to be anything more than friendly. I was beginning to understand what it meant to be lonely.

I was dreading my first Christmas alone, so when Clare invited me to spend Christmas day with her I jumped at the chance. The following weekend when I went to visit the girls I got a second invitation. Julie told me that the children wanted me to come for Christmas. I don't know if she knew how much that hurt. She didn't want me, but she was prepared to invite me because the girls wanted Daddy on Christmas day. That may not have been what she really meant but that was how it sounded to me. I told her that I had already made other plans but I would be happy to come over for Boxing day and she reluctantly accepted the compromise. She must have spoken to Eric again because a week later I got a phone call at work.

"Hello, Greg Maitland"

"YOUR BOOKKEEPER?" she shouted down the phone"YOU GIVE UP THE CHANCE TO BE WITH YOUR CHILDREN ON CHRISTMAS DAY TO BE WITH A WOMAN WHO IS OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR MOTHER"

"Julie, just calm down and I will explain. She asked me before you did"

"Well I would have thought that we would still take precedence" she said

"Look she has no one else to go to. When she asked me it looked like two lonely people could actually get together for the day and cheer each other up a bit. Now you can't expect me to leave her on her own now can you? Anyway according to you it is only the girls who want me to come, you don't want me there."

There was a period of silence before she came back with "Don't be stupid, of course I want you to come. O.K. I am sorry if it sounded like it was only the girls that wanted you. You could bring your friend with you if you like."

"Well thanks very much for the invitation I will ask her" I said.

"Is that the only reason you turned us down?" she asked

"What do you mean?" I responded

"Because you didn't want to leave her on her own at Christmas."

"More or less," I told her.

"You've changed" she said

"Well maybe that is a good thing" I responded "now we are really busy here so if it is all right with you I will hang up now. I will ring Clare later and extend your invitation and call you back tonight. Is that O.K.?

"Yes." she said "And Greg ... I am sorry I shouted at you."

And so it was that Clare met Julie, Annabel and Grace. We all had a great time and it set the scene for Christmases to come. As we were about to leave Julie kissed my cheek and said.

"I really like her, a bit blunt at times but a nice person."

"Yes." I said "she deserves better from life. Thanks for making her so welcome."

She gave me a curious look as if she couldn't quite believe what I had said and then we were out of the door. As I drove her home Clare suddenly said to me "You know what is really surprising, in spite of what you did to her that girl still loves you"

"Did she say that?" I asked

"She didn't have to say it. It is blindingly obvious to everyone except you two silly buggers. You only have to see how proudly she speaks about the way you have turned your business around. The only question is how long is it going to be till you both wake up to the fact that you were born to be together."

Clare made up her mind to do whatever she could to get Julie and I back together. What neither of us knew was that there were other forces working for the opposite end. Christmas and new year came and went Julie and I seemed to be getting closer however, as soon as she went back to work we were back to cordial relations. I was totally confused it was one step forward two steps back. It would seem that all I could do was wait.

Everything else in my life was going well. Down in Aldershot I had been leading the discussion groups for some months when John called me into his office.

"Greg," he said "I am sorry to have to admit that I have been using you the last few months. There is really no need for you to come here any more. I haven't mentioned it before because it has been beneficial for us to have you leading the groups."

"You mean I am free to go?" I asked

"You have been free to go since the day you came" he said "what I am saying to you is that you have achieved a great deal and I don't think there is any more benefit in you coming to these sessions."

I left feeling a little bit proud of myself. As I reflected on the year even I could see the progress I had made in dealing with situations that made me angry. I just hoped that I would never have to find out how I would react, if confronted with a situation like the one that caused me to tear my marriage apart.