Chapter 24

Jamaica Browne woke very early on Sunday morning after a frustrating night of tossing and turning. Her frustration was sexual and as many times as she masturbated to solve her want for a man, and not any man, she had found a man who treated her like she always dreamed of. Bill Centofranchi was older and more mature than any other man she had dated or been with. Her sexual experience before coming to New York was limited and she would be the first to admit she gave into sex with many partners for the sake of being wanted, being accepted into the crowd she had met in the dance clubs of Manhattan. She had money to burn on drugs and drinks that kept her “friends” hanging on, and this group was only happy to drain her of her cash in exchange for her need to be accepted. On the night before she was confronted by Selena to either get right or leave was probably the night when her conscience had finally revolted and had her searching for answers and a way out of the depths she had sunken.

She had run around with another fast girl who showed her where to get the drugs for both of them, plus she knew where to go to see the best bands and how to meet the bands. That night when she woke in a strange hotel suite she remembered little, but she did know she had rolled around nude in a bed with this girl while 3 members of the band who stayed in the suite watched. It was a matter of time before all 5 of them were on the bed and having sex. The each took turns with the 2 stoned girls and as Jamaica was looking for something else to take to dull her senses she felt fingers trying to pry her ass open and male voices talking about fucking them both in their asses. She struggled to get dressed and got out of there knowing she had to be at work in just a few short hours, and she didn’t even know where she was. Jamaica cried hard with the memory of her five-some, so ashamed at herself, especially since she knew that it was just not her, but she had sunken so deep she didn’t know how to get out. Then Selena saved her, even though Selena said she saved herself. Selena was the impetus force that drove her.

Now only a few days since she had found herself attracted to a man who treated her like a woman should be treated, but she was having thoughts of not being worthy. She craved him, but told herself she didn’t deserve a man this good. She tossed and turned in half sleep, half teary shame. Finally after her few hours of fitful sleep she got up, showered, put on soft pajamas, and went to her computer in hopes of finding something to take her mind away from her thoughts. She saw the piece of paper she had dropped on the keyboard with the email address, IM tag, and twitter name Bill had written for her when they exchanged info that night after she saw his computer.

She rarely used any IM, twitter, or facebook type of networking, but put his name in her IM queue. Almost instantly his ID popped up and she wondered if he had just left the window open all night long.

But a few seconds later an Instant Message popped up, “R U up? I can’t sleep either”. She wondered what kept him from sleeping, knowing it wasn’t as mind wrenching and disturbing as her sleep hurdles.

“Just thinking about us, where we’re going, if I” She wrote and sent.

“If U what?” He sent.

“My life was pretty F U. You make me happy.” She wrote.

“Ditto here. Life was hum drum. You give me life.” Bill responded.

“If you knew me, you wouldn’t think that.” She wrote.

“I’m trying to get to know you. What are you hiding? You seem so happy when we’re together.”

“You make me that way. Ten days ago you would have tossed me aside like something cheap.” She tearfully sent.

“Don’t talk foolish. We’ve all done things that bring us shame, just in different degrees. I doubt you’re a murderer, and I doubt you’re a thief. By the job you have you must be pretty special. If I dwell on things I did in Iraq I could get myself in a rut as well. But there are things we have to do, and there are things we regret doing, but seemed either right or fashionable at the time. Don’t kill yourself over it.”

“But,” She started to write but she started crying. Bill waited for her to finish and then thought she might be too upset.

“Answer me this, are you that person NOW? After thinking about whatever it was?” He asked.

“NO!!!!!!!!!” she wrote back with many points to show her determination.

“Then why dwell on it.”

“Can you come over? Please?” She wrote.

“Are you sure? We got pretty heavy last night and I thought about you A LOT last night after I got to bed ;-)”

“Same here, but I can’t stop thinking about you. Nothing will happen without a lot of talk.” She fired off.

“TALK, four letters ends in K and means to communicate.”

“Touche’, there are other forms of “KommuniKation. I promised myself we wouldn’t “talk” until we knew each other better. It sounds silly, but I really need to see you, touch you, and hear your voice.” She typed hoping he would get the gist of her meaning.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t go for that either, should we promise each other?”

“Promise what? No penis in vagina sex?” She asked bluntly. “I didn’t think you would put it that way, but yes.”

“I promise that we’ll keep that special for another point in our relationship, if it gets there.” She wrote back with a big embarrassed grin.

“I’ll be over in 15 minutes.”

“I can’t wait to see you. I’m in my PJ’s and I’m not getting dressed.” She happily wrote as she saw him sign off.

Jaye was a mess, having tossed and turned all night, not to mention sweating through one nightie trying to get herself off, then showering and changing, then crying in front of the computer. Now she had a hopeful smile on her face knowing Bill was coming over. She had hoped to communicate to him that she needed him, but didn’t want to be coerced or even tempted to give into as she called it “penis in vagina” sex. However, she thought a little heavy petting might put her right and see what kind of man Bill really was. She hoped he was the person she thought he was. He was on his way over.

When Bill got into his car and backed from his garage it was the first time he realized just how early it was. It was still dark and the sun was just beginning to show signs of rising. It was just past 6:30. He had left her a little more than 4 hours ago. As Bill drove over he was more worried about her mental state than anything. Yes, he would love to get laid to satisfy his urges, but he really wanted to keep that special with Jaye, if it ever got to that natural point. It was obvious she was open for some heavy foreplay but he was to make it clear to her that sex was out. He didn’t want this to turn into another “friends with benefits” deal. He wanted a special relationship because he didn’t respect his two other female “suitors” because they used him for sex.

Jaye spent the time waiting for Bill to dry and fix her hair. She wanted to do more with her face, but since she usually wore little or no make-up, her tired and cried out look would just have to brighten naturally. She put on a pot of coffee in the Mr. Coffee and looked to see if she needed to straighten up when the buzzer signaled Bill’s arrival.

She let him up and sort of held her breath wondering if this was a smart move, to invite him over. She feared he might think she was too needy, or a constant project. Always having to fix her.

She opened the door as she heard his footsteps and smiled sheepishly as he came in the door. She wanted to jump into his arms, but let him make the move. He hugged her tightly, feeling her warm body through her snuggly pajamas, and kissed her.

“Let me get out of my cold jacket and give you a proper hug.” He said as he unzipped his coat and pulled off a sweatshirt to reveal a pajama top as well.

“You wore your jammies too!” She giggled as he left his coat on the doorknob and dropped his sweatshirt.

He turned away from her and undid the stay on his khaki’s and let them fall to reveal the bottoms of his pajama’s as well.

They both laughed as she leapt into his arms for a proper hug and kiss.

“Are we the only two grown-ups who still wear PJ’s to bed?” She asked.

“Actually I sleep just in my underwear, but put on these to lounge around until I get dressed.” Bill told her.

She blushed and said, “Me too”.

She took his hand and walked to the sofa and showed him where to sit and she cuddled up next to him, resting her head in the crux of his arm.

“This is what I needed. Warm cuddling and understanding. I don’t want you to think I’m such a mess all of the time. Let me try to explain a little. You know how they say this city and eat you up and spit you out?” She said as she got a mild rush from feeling his warmth next to her.

“Uh huh, it can be mean.” He agreed, wanting her to go on.

“When I got on that subway car and saw you that day, it had just spit me out. The person who is now my mentor had shown me the fork in the road, and my final check was drawn and I faced a shameful trip home as a failure at life, or I could suck it up, man up, as they say, face my demons and beat them back. Your friendliness, cool demeanor, and seeming to actually care for a complete stranger, showed me that life, this city, and all I have worked for, was really worth the effort to crawl back and be where I was supposed to be, be who I was supposed to be. But now guilt is making me think I am not what you think I am.” She said as she teared up and snuggled him tighter.

“Jamaica,” He said calling her proper name for the first time, “Is the person I’m getting to know the real person, or is the one you walked away from the real person.”

“Bill, I’M the real Jamaica Browne, not the one who I turned into. I did stupid things and made big mistakes and maybe I guess I think I need to be punished more and don’t deserve you.” She said tearfully.

“Jaye, I told you before, everyone lives with things they’ve done that they aren’t proud of. I don’t care, unless you’re a criminal, what happened before I met you. I don’t need to know any of that as long as I’m getting the real thing as we build our relationship.”

She sat up and turned to look him square in the eye.

“You really mean that, don’t you? I mean I read the words, but hearing them come from you I hear how convincing you are. You really won’t judge me later, because I will tell you all someday.”