Chapter 3

"What a wonderful surprise. Thank you Nicole."

Sarah hugged her daughter as she looked around her living room. Somehow Nicole had managed to unpack many of her belongings and put the house into livable condition. There were fresh flowers in vases in the living room and on the dining room table. The large sofa was in the exact spot Sarah had envisioned. It was facing San Francisco Bay and the Golden Gate Bridge. The view was spectacular and on this perfect summer day it stretched from the Richmond Bridge in the north to downtown San Francisco in the south.

Sarah loved the serenity of this place and she knew the solitude would help her heal. She still had weekly appointments with Dr. Willits for the foreseeable future but she was convinced the worst was over. She frowned thinking that no, the worst of her illness and battle with alcohol and drugs was over, but her life without Michael was just beginning, and that was the worst. She had never imagined such a thing - never imagined things could get so bad that Michael would turn his back on her. She knew she should have known better since it had happened once before and she had almost lost him. Then, as now, she had taken him for granted - taken his love for granted more likely, and her reckless stupidity drove him away.

She was very grateful Nicole would be living with her while she attended law school. Nicole, her eldest, was always the level-headed one, the analytical one. She was also the pragmatic one, who seemed to accept people and their foibles. Sarah tried to make up with Matt, but he was stubborn like his father, and he was having a hard time getting past the injuries he had suffered at her hands, even though he knew that his mother had been suffering from alcohol and cocaine addiction, and depression. With the intercession of Dr. Willets, Matt was slowly coming to accept her treatment of him was a manifestation of her illness, and not absence of love. Sarah did know he rightfully blamed her for the breakup of the marriage because of the horrible treatment of his father. Sarah could only respond with regret and apologies. He was still wary but she felt confident he would eventually welcome the return of his loving and caring mother.

"Ready for lunch?"

Sarah turned to see Nicole setting plates of sandwiches on the dining table. It was a step up from the living room and adjacent to the kitchen. Both had the same view of San Francisco Bay.

They ate, and drank their tea in silence for several minutes, each lost in thought.

"So what now?"

"What now? What?"

Sarah smiled at her daughter, knowing she was quizzing her about her plans. She was not going back to Madison and Trasker. That was foregone conclusion when Greg Modine had been arrested and the police, ATF and the IRS had descended on the firm. It barely survived after paying fines and settling suits brought by Sarah and other members of the firm who had fallen victim to Greg and others. Much smaller now, the firm had given up its very expensive office space in downtown San Francisco and moved across the Bay to Oakland. Sarah knew she had to go back to work for her own sanity.

"I'm starting back to work next week ... you know a girl has to pay the rent."

Now it was Nicole's turn to smile.

"I knew you wouldn't be able to just sit here and watch the view but I thought you might take a little time."

"Nicole, I've been cooped up in the Redwood for too long. I need to be able to get out and do something."

Sarah frowned with the realization that this was the time she had thought about for years – the time when the kids were out of the house, and she and Michael, financially more than comfortable, could travel to those places she had dreamed about. Now she was going to work to help pass the time and to help her concentrate on something more than her loss of Michael.

Nicole poured tea as they put away the lunch dishes and then settled on the big sofa.

"So what's the job?"

"It's a paralegal job with a woman who's in solo practice. She used to work for one of the big firms in town ... had an affair with one of the young partners ... her ... her marriage exploded..."

Sarah wiped a tear with the back of her hand and tried to smile.

"Sounds familiar ... doesn't it?"

Nicole took her hand, distressed by the sudden sorrow in her mother's eyes.

"Mother ... I wish ... just wish there was something I could do."

Sarah grabbed a tissue from the container on the coffee table in front of them and dabbed her eyes and again tried to smile.

"Anyway, her name's Helene ... Helene Connors and her office is in the 100 Steuart Building. It's right behind One Market where I used to work. In fact on the corner out front is Mike and Tom's coffee cart. It's where I always go for my morning Chai."

Sarah smiled sadly.

"Nice I don't have to go looking for a decent Chai. Anyway, Helene just moved into the building – she was up on Geary Street but she needed more room because her practice is starting to take off, and she decided she could use a paralegal. I'm not sure how she heard about me but she called me one day at the Redwood and then came to visit. We've had lunch a couple of times and I really like her. Her ex, also named Michael, was one of the mergers and acquisition gurus in town, but after their marriage went south he quit that ... went to work for some international shipping conglomerate for a few years and now runs the largest PI firm in the Bay Area."

She paused, blinking away tears.

"With his new wife."

"Mother, you can't really think dad's even thinking of that, and anyway he still loves you. I know he's not seeing anyone ... he travels and when he back he just stays in his condo. Don't you think there might be a chance?"

Sarah hung her head. More tears came.

"I hurt him so much. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me."

Nicole saw her mother's pain.

"He's hurting but I can't believe he won't decide some morning that you two belong together."

"Nicole ... I never told you I broke up with your father in high school – I was stupid and drove him away. He eventually forgave me ... years later, but I promised him I would never hurt him again, but I did ... didn't I?" She said as the tears flowed.

"What? Mother, Matt and I both know the story ... Grandma and Grandpa Andrews must have told it a hundred times over the years ... you and dad living across the street from each other, friends since you were toddlers, walking to school together ... getting married after dad got out of the Marines. What happened?"

Nicole was surprised to see her mother put her head down and slowly shake her head. Sarah's eyes glistened as she finally looked at her daughter.

"That's the sanitized version. We started together and ended up married but I almost lost your father because ... well because I took his love for granted. I was immature and stupid."

Surprised, Nicole just watched her grieving mother.

Sarah paused and took a deep breath.

"It started at the end of our sophomore year in high school. In the spring I was selected for the pep squad. I had wanted to be a cheerleader for years and suddenly my dream came true. Your father and I weren't dating, we just were. We went places together and hung out together. We were a couple. We walked to school every day."

Nicole smiled picturing her parents as teens.

"We were only a couple of weeks from the end of school when I found out about the pep squad. I was ecstatic and I told your father ... and I kept going on and on about how excited I was as we walked home from school. I admit I was a little disappointed by his reaction. He was my best friend and I wanted him to be excited too, but I detected some ... well I didn't know what it was. Like an idiot I thought he was jealous. I don't know why I thought that, your father always seemed like the guy who was the most comfortable in his own skin."

Sarah looked off at the water in the distance gathering her thoughts.

"Even then he was tall, but he was skinny, and I guess you'd call him a math and science geek. He was brilliant in school. I had to work hard for my math and science grades and I was happy to have him to help, but he was never a show off."

Nicole refreshed their tea as she listened to her mother.

"Things were kind of strained between us for the next couple of weeks. Maybe not with your father ... he either didn't notice, or pretended not to. Things got better as we started into the summer and then it was time for our annual trip to Tahoe. Well you know that your grandparents had been friends for a long time, and every year we went to the lake for almost two weeks. It was a wonderful time. They always rented a couple of cabins and a ski boat and we spent our time outside, waterskiing, or walking in the woods, or looking at the stars."

Sarah sat back reliving the memories of that summer on the lake.

"Toward the end of the first week your dad and I were lying on the pontoon on the lake and watching the stars come out and all of a sudden we were kissing. We had never kissed before ... actually I had never kissed a boy before and I was sure your father hadn't kissed a girl. I discovered he was a wonderful kisser."

Sarah paused and sipped her tea, her eyes glowing.

"We lay there for a long time holding hands staring at the stars. I trembled as I pressed against him. We were just in our swim suits. I also remember the warm breeze across the lake. Then he said something that I thought was very strange, "You won't forget me will you?" I rolled on top of him feeling his warmth and looked at him in the darkness, and told him he had been my best friend all my life."

"He was quiet for a moment and then said, I don't ever want us to be apart, and with your schedule next year ... I just looked at him and pressed myself against him and I told him I'd never forget him and I didn't ever want us to be apart. The rest of the time at the lake was magical. I know our parents noticed the change in us. There wasn't the normal horseplay and teasing. We had become a couple. Oh, we never went further than kissing and some mild body exploration, but there seemed to be all the time in the world for more."

Sarah stared at the view of the city across the Bay, collecting her thoughts.

"It was too bad I didn't listen to him."

She paused again.

"A couple of weeks later that all changed when cheer camp began. Suddenly I was caught up in the new life of a cheerleader and I hardly had time for your father. Before I had a chance to think school was starting. For the first time in my life I was absent from the Anderson's Labor Day cookout. I had been invited to a pool party hosted by the head cheerleader Melinda Nielson. Her parents were out of town and there was lots of beer and a crowd of older boys. I loved the attention and the feeling that I was part of this new group ... the beautiful people ... the in crowd of Berkeley High. I vaguely remembered my mother telling me that your dad stopped by a couple of times, but I couldn't even be bothered to call him. Then it was the first day of school."