Chapter 8

Flashback – Ben – Day seven of spook school

I slowly woke up, realized Mira was also awake and was shocked because I couldn't remember the last time I slept so well. Plus, I'm fully covered and we are sharing the middle of the bed: It surprised me she's not like most women - a bed hog or cover thief.

She scooted back tightly against me. I worried about my morning wood as it pressed against her, but she totally ignored my condition and greeted me, "Good morning honey, how well did you sleep?"

I replied, "Uh, I think I slept pretty well." Then I realized how light it was but couldn't get to my watch because she was laying on my arm so I asked, "What time is it anyway?"

She giggled, looked at her wrist and replied, "O-eight-hundred, but do not worry because this is Sunday and after yesterday's Bataan death run we have the whole day off. However if you would not mind, I would like to get up, go to the bathroom and repair the crushing cranium ache I have from you getting me intoxicated last night and then taking advantage of me."

I hopped out of bed then she kissed me lightly on the cheek and headed to the bathroom. I scratched my head and wondered: Did I really take advantage of her? We did have a lot of Saki last night, but I sure didn't remember doing anything inappropriate.

I started to make the bed and suddenly it dawned on me: Wait a fucking minute, this couldn't be right. I called Tom and asked him to bring me a change of civilian clothes ASAP to Mira's room. He started to give me shit so I hung up the phone and waited. I sure hoped he arrived before Mira finished in the bathroom...

Flashback – Mira – Day seven of spook school

I was luxuriating in my boyfriend's arms for hours and came up with a little practical prank for today: I would act like he forcefully trained me last night. We both had just enough Saki (OK I had too much Saki and should know better than to drink with a Marine) that my cranium complained bitterly. My idea would make a fun first practical prank of the day.

I finished my morning duties, took some pills to alleviate my aching cranium, walked out into our room but my boyfriend was gone. He left me a note:

Mira,

I am very sorry about last night, but it's plain that I can't trust myself to stay in your room with you. The temptation is too great so I'm going back to bivouac with the guys.

Ben

Oh no, my boyfriend actually believed he forcefully trained me last night and had now left our room after I finally managed to entice him back in our room. Perhaps my practical prank was not so funny this time. I must find him and confess my practical prank.

I hurriedly dressed in a very nice short skirt and white blouse which I daringly tied at the waist to show off my sexy belly, grabbed my purse, opened the door and...

My boyfriend grinned at me! I stormed up to him and complained, "L.Cpl. Blaine, that practical prank was not funny! I am very upset!"

He gave me a very grumpy look and barked like a dog, "Mira you should know better. Yes, you tricked me yesterday but your prank today was ill-conceived, poorly executed and mean! I didn't do anything to you this morning that you didn't do to me. The next time you accuse me of getting you drunk and raping you will be the last time you ever see me."

I realized the massive mistake I made and how badly it upset the L.Cpl. I humbly apologized, "My boyfriend, I thought you would find it humorous but I realize now not all practical pranks are well received. Please forgive me and please do not let this ruin our day off."

He grinned and asked, "So when did you learn about practical jokes?"

I replied, "You taught me by watching you and I determined that many times they are very amusing. Pray tell, how did you recognize this morning's activity as a prank?"

He smiled, "Well, you are under repair, so we would have made a giant mess in the bed; but the bed was spotless."

Ah ha - I made a cranial notation to remember little details like that in the future. I asked, "So what are we doing today."

He replied, "I still have a score to settle with Jack about last night."

I sidled up to him and said, "So you are upset with Sgt. Reynolds?"

He laughed, "Yeah, Jack needs his ass kicked."

Flashback – Jack – Day seven of spook school

I slept like hell last night! I kept having nightmares about digging latrines in Thule with a spoon and freezing my ass off. I woke up and was just getting my hand and head around a cup of coffee, when the door burst open and Banzai stormed in, followed by Mira.

He yelled, "Jack I came to kick your ass."

I stood up, turned, faced him and said, "Listen Banzai..."

He interrupted, "The time for talking is over, after what you did last night you need your ass kicked."

I was shocked as hell at what Mira did next...

Flashback – Mira – Day seven of spook school

Sgt. Reynolds did not need his derriere accosted since last night was plainly my fault. Besides, I wanted to go to town and did not want to waste time on male posturing and silly fist fights. So I did something my sister Ira and I often did to 'peacefully' settle fights: I grabbed the sleeping appliance off the top bunk and attacked my boyfriend with it.

He turned towards me, I smacked him again and taunted, "Oh big tough male, stop posturing and fight me!" Then I smacked him one more time.

He looked confused so I smacked him again and teased, "Have you not ever heard of fight with sleeping appliances? Or perhaps you are as inept with sleeping appliances as you are with other weapons?"

Flashback – Jack – Day seven of spook school

Shit if Mira wanted a pillow fight, I'd give her one! I grabbed a pillow and smacked her a good one, and then nailed Banzai just for the fun of it.

Banzai finally got into it, grabbed a pillow, nailed Mira a good one and then hit me. And the great American pillow fight was on!!!

Somewhere part way through the pillow fight, the pillows broke open and feathers flew everywhere. When the pillows went flat, the fight was over and all the tension between us disappeared. I reconned my room and confirmed it was FUBARed.

Banzai grinned at me and said, "Mira and I are headed to town. Too bad you have to stay here and clean your room."

Mira added salt to the wound when she suggested, "Boyfriend I think it would be an excellent idea if you called Major M and asked him to perform a room inspection on Sgt. Reynolds' room."

Banzai laughed, "Mira, I like your style. We'll do that on the way to town."

Son-of-a-bitch, he'd better not do that...

As they left the room I watched Banzai pull out his damn phone! The bastard!

Flashback – Mira – Day seven of spook school

My boyfriend took out his phone to make a call and I queried, "Are you really calling Malodorous Major M?"

He held up his finger because he had already made the call and said into the phone, "Tom, yeah this is Ben. I want you and Howard to move my gear into Mira's new room."

There was a pause and my boyfriend said, "Hell no, that's not going to happen because Mira's little sister's here." I could hear the laughter from Tom then my boyfriend hung up the phone. I informed him with confusion, "Boyfriend, I do not have a little sister. She is my twin sister and she is certainly not here."

He laughed and replied, "Mira 'little sister' is a euphemism for you being under repair."

I crimsoned and sputtered, "Boyfriend the whole world does not need to know about this!"

Then he answered and said, "Many women in America put a big red P on their clothes when they are under repair. I plan on buying one for you when we're in town"

I gave him a shocked look ... then he grinned as I determined it was yet another practical prank and said, "Ha ha, I know that is a fallacy. But do you not feel it was mean to tease Sgt. Reynolds? He will think you called the Malodorous Major."

He laughed then said, "After last night, Jack deserves it." This made me emote much happiness.

I reminded him, "We do need to be here for dinner tonight because I have another new costume to wear."

He looked at me with a twinkle in his eyes and suddenly I could not wait until tonight...

Flashback – Ben – Day seven of spook school

I borrowed Tom and Howard's rental car and we headed into D.C. for the day. The day was nice and on the way Mira droned on about female nonsense which I quickly tuned out (like most men) and muttered an occasional uhuh and nodded my head. I thought about many things: How pissed off I was at Mr. Smith; what the next week of school would be like; was it really safe staying in the same room with Mira (and if it wasn't, how in the hell I was going to leave without her shooting me); how pissed off I was at Mr. Smith (did I mention that already?); a funny little noise the car was making; how pissed off I was at Mr. Smith (did I mention that already?); getting shot in the ass (it felt even better today); I wondered how my cabin in Leadville was doing; how pissed off I was at Mr. Smith (did I mention that already?); and the weather.

I finally said, "Okay."

Mira scooted over beside me, hugged my arm and said, "Thank you, thank you thank you my wonderful boyfriend!"

And then I fearfully wondered what the hell I had agreed too: With Mira being this excited, it couldn't be good for me...

Flashback – Mira – Day seven of spook school

I was extremely excited to be going to Washington D.C. with my boyfriend and became a verbose Veronica (chatty Cathy). But my boyfriend did not care and he was so attentive to me! He let me verbalize and even provided feedback to assure me he completely comprehended my discourse. I gradually worked the conversation around to a subject that tremendously interested me. Then I became bold and asked him a very serious question to which he replied, "Okay." I tried to crawl into his lap, but the center car console circumvented that activity so I hugged his arm! He was such a wonderful boyfriend and made me such a happy girl!

Flashback – Ben – Day seven of spook school

Shit I needed time to think, a distraction. I looked at Mira and asked, "You want to get some breakfast?"

She smiled and answered, "Whatever you wish my wonderful boyfriend."

I pulled into a chain restaurant, known for their breakfasts, stopped the car jumped out and Mira didn't follow. I looked at her as she sat in her seat and motioned to the door. I finally figured I needed to start opening doors for her. What the hell had I unknowingly agreed to – there had to be some way to figure it out!

I opened her door and she jumped out. She latched onto my arm and reminded me of one of those nasty, huge, red-black, miserable aquatic-vampire leeches in Nam, smiled at me, kissed me on the cheek and said, "Thank you boyfriend for getting my car door."

We didn't really walk into the restaurant; it was more like she paraded me into the restaurant like I was her trophy. I got a very uncomfortable feeling – what the hell did I agree to? I felt even worse when the waitress said as she seated us, "You two are such a cute couple, it must be nice to be in love."

Mira gushed a response, "Oh it is! And he is such a wonderful and thoughtful boyfriend."

The minute we sat, Mira did the woman thing and said, "I need to go to the ladies room and freshen up."

I asked, "What would you like to eat?"

She stood up, smiled and said, "I will have whatever you are having." Then she almost skipped to the ladies room. She was entirely to fricken happy!

The waitress took our order. Mira finally came back from the ladies room, walked up to my side of the booth, looked at me and demanded, "Please relocate so I can sit beside you." I started to complain, so she sat down and forced me to scoot over then latched onto my arm again, just like a damn leech. I couldn't wait for the food to arrive so I could free up my arm...

Flashback – Mira – Day seven of spook school

I was extremely excited - my boyfriend promised to take me shopping! While I had been in the similar stores in other nations, I had yet to visit an American store and they were supposed have the best selection. I wondered which of the scores of selections he would purchase for me – like he promised. It was the only thing on my mind and I wished we would travel there post-haste! But first we must attend to my wonderful boyfriend's culinary needs.

The food came. It was something my boyfriend called a 'waffle sandwich.' It seemed a most strange name for the food, but it was wonderful and even after our feast last night I was still famished enough to consume a korova (cow). I loved the maple syrup and we used up the whole bottle. After the meal, I excused myself again, "I must go freshen up again. I will meet you at the car." And ran off to the ladies room, I must make sure to appear my best for my boyfriend and the special shopping later...

Flashback – Jack – Day seven of spook school

It wasn't bad cleaning up my room, much easier than I assumed it was to clean up Mira's room from the blood bomb. I borrowed a shop vac from the school's janitor (I'd learned a long time ago it's always a good idea to be on friendly terms with the janitors, wherever you are) and sucked up all the feathers. Replacing the pillows was harder, I liberated those from another student's room; they should know better than to leave their doors unlocked. While I was at it I threw the empty pillows into the room and emptied the feathers out of the shop vac to cover my larceny.

I was done and fucking bored! Banzai and Mira were gone to D.C. and I couldn't head to the mess hall and play chess with Kai cause he'd left the school. Now I had no idea what to do when my phone rang. I looked and determined it was Banzai. I answered it and he said, "Jack I need your help!"

I could tell by the tone in his voice he was desperate. I was already worried when I replied, "Banzai, what the hell is going on?"

He answered, "Jack this has to be quick before Mira gets back. She was rattling on, you know like women always do, I wasn't paying any attention, saying yes and nodding my head and agreed to do something with her and I don't have any idea what that something is. Now she's all excited about whatever the something is."

I almost laughed, then I remembered the Major's major Thule threat and said, "Shit! I think you're going to need a wingman to help with this one. Why don't you head on back here and pick me up. I'll figure out something while you get here."

He said, "Thanks Jack for your help, by the way I never called the Major." He hung up the phone and then I began to laugh. What if he promised ... no I couldn't think about that again, I began to think of a plan to once again save his ass...

Flashback – Mira – Day seven of spook school

I was now ready for my special shopping so I walked out the car, stood beside my door until my boyfriend finally noticed. He got out of the car, walked around, opened my door and let me in. He assumed his position in the driver's seat as I grabbed his arm and said, "Thank you my boyfriend for opening my door."

He seemed somewhat distressed and complained, "Mira I need my arm to drive."

I temporarily relinquished my hold on his arm. He drove out the parking lot of the restaurant and turned the wrong way. I quickly snatched his arm again and asked, "Why are we locomoting in the opposite direction?"

He answered, "I talked to Jack, he had nothing to do today so I agreed to go back and pick him up."

I was marginally miffed to not be heading to the store immediately, but then I assumed it was because he wanted Sgt. Reynolds to help approve the selection for me. After all Sgt. Reynolds was very knowledgeable and much like a father to my boyfriend. I was honored that my boyfriend was so thoughtful.

I chirped, "It is good we are picking up Sgt. Reynolds. Was he not angry about the practical prank?"

He responded, "No Jack seemed fine when I talked to him on the phone."

I perceived my boyfriend was depressingly uncomfortable so I engaged him in a conversation I knew he would be interested in...

Flashback – Ben – Day seven of spook school

I was still trying to recall my conversation with Mira when she challenged me, "L.Cpl. why do you insist on using such an antiquated weapon for your military missions?"

Now that I heard! I glared at her and answered, "Mira what the hell are you talking about?"

She grinned, "You insist on using a boring M-forty¹ bolt action rifle when rifles like my PSG-one² are much more superior! Even a Heckler and Koch G-three³ is practically as precise as your boring old bolt rifle!"

¹ M-40 cited in previous books, the M-40 is a bolt-action sniper rifle used by the United States Marine Corps.

² PSG-1 cited in previous books, P räzisionsschützengewehr, German for "precision marksman rifle") is a semi-automatic rifle designed by the German company Heckler & Koch of Oberndorf am Neckar.

³ H&K G3 The G3 is a 7.62mm battle rifle developed in the 1950s by the German armament manufacturer Heckler & Koch.

I promptly informed her, "Mira no semi or fully automatic rifle is as accurate as a bolt action rifle."

She laughed, "L.Cpl. Blaine, if I had my PSG-one here I would fire rings around the gigantic groups from your boring old m-forty."

I snapped back, "Gigantic groups? Bullshit! You'd fire rings around my one bullet groups because that's as accurate as that over-priced, German Gatling gun could produce. Besides the Hensoldt scope on the PSG-one is only range compensated out to six-hundred meters."

Mira spouted, "Not my PSG-one! It has a custom scope calibrated to one-thousand-three-hundred meters."

I challenged, "Well if the PSG-one is so fucking good why, doesn't the GSG-nine⁴ use it. They use, as you like to describe it, an antiquated bolt action DSR-one⁵."

⁴ The GSG 9 der Bundespolizei (originally the German abbreviation of Grenzschutzgruppe 9 or Border Guard Group 9) is the elite counter-terrorism and special operations unit of the German Federal Police.

⁵ The DSR-1 is a compact bolt-action rifle designed, manufactured and marketed by the German company DSR-Precision GmbH as a specialized sniper rifle for police sharpshooters.

Mira giggled and said, "It is because they do not know their cranium from a well."

It took me a second to figure out Mira meant, 'head from a hole in the ground' but I was too fired up to correct her so I challenged, "Just like you."

She sparked my interest when she said, "It is unfortunate that we can not wager on this. I would make you consume your phrases."

I responded, "Well Mira, I just might know where we can borrow a PSG-one, then you can put your money where your mouth is!"

I stopped to pick up Jack just as Mira responded, "L.Cpl. why would I want to keep filthy money in my mouth?"

Flashback – Jack – Day seven of spook school

I opened the door to the back seat and heard Mira say, "L.Cpl. why would I want to keep filthy money in my mouth?" It was obvious the two of them were having a heated discussion and I hoped like hell they weren't going to break up because the Major would blame me for it.

Banzai corrected Mira, "It's a euphemism which means you are willing to back up your bragging with something of value."

I interjected, "What's going on?"

I got the full story almost simultaneously from both of them and was happy as hell to know they were just arguing about weapons. They were of course both wrong, but now was not the time for that discussion. It was time for me to move this circus car full of clowns in a different direction so I changed the subject and said, "Hey Banzai lets head to the closest shopping mall."

Banzai looked at me in the rear view mirror and I gave him my sign to let him know this was my plan. He answered, "Jack that's a damn good idea."

Mira questioned, "A shopping mall has many stores?"

I replied, "Yes Mira, it's a large building with many different types of stores." When I explained it to her she became very happy and squeezed the heck out of Banzai's arm.

Banzai complained, "Mira! I can't drive if you keep doing that."

She giggled and suggested, "Perhaps Sgt. Reynolds should drive so you and I could share the posterior accommodation?"

The last thing I wanted was those two getting all hot and horny in the back seat so I lied, "Mira, I can't drive in a big city like D.C..." And for once Mira bought my lie.

Flashback – Mira – Day seven of spook school

I was extremely excited as we finally found the big special shopping stores Jack told me about. It was massive - much larger than the big outdoor bazaars in Dushanbe. I was sure we would find the exact store my boyfriend wanted to take me too. Then he and Sgt. Reynolds would help me select my purchase.

We walked into the massive mall and I was without speech. There were two stories of stores and my senses were accosted worse than Brave Ulysses by the Sirens. Yes there was a cacophony of confusion, but also a blinding blur of illuminations and finally seductive smells of tasty treats and cinnamon! I asked, "Is this Heaven?"

Sgt. Reynolds laughed and said, "No this is Iowa."

I was going to ask how it was possible we walked through a door and changed states but my boyfriend said, "Jack stop teasing Mira with movie quotes. Mira this is not Heaven even though many women consider it to be Heaven."

Sgt. Reynolds added, "And most men feel like this is Hell. Hey there's the bathroom, come on Banzai."

Sgt. Reynolds grabbed my boyfriend's arm and as they headed away my boyfriend called, "Mira we will meet you right back here in a few minutes. Don't get lost."

I was exceedingly confused about three things: First how could any man feel such a wonderful place could be Hell; if Sgt. Reynolds and my boyfriend felt this was Hell, why would they bring me here; and finally when did men travel in packs like women to the men's room?

They were both behaving especially strange. Oh well, I needed to freshen up to look my best for the big occasion so I traveled to the ladies room...

Flashback – Jack – Day seven of spook school

I hauled Ben's ass into the bathroom and said, "Okay here's my plan. This mall is like Alice's restaurant..."

Banzai grinned and interrupted by singing, "Yeah, 'you can get anything that you want at Alice's restaurant'."

I chuckled and added, "Yeah 'exceptin' Alice'. Now listen: We will walk Mira by all the stores in the mall until we find one she's really interested in, then we will know that what you promised her was in the store. And if she's like most women, she will fly right toward whatever the hell it is you agreed to."

Banzai got a very serious look on his face and said, "Jack, last night in her room she was going to commit hari-kari because of the whole engagement ring SNAFU. What if I promised her an engagement ring this time?"

I thought for a second, made up my mind and said, "Banzai, first you need to train those ears of yours so if they ever hear engagement or ring in a sentence you snap to full attention. And second after what you just told me, there's no way in hell you can back out of it if you promised her an engagement ring."

He hung his head and said, "Yeah I never break a promise."

We walked back out and joined Mira. She watched everything just like a little girl and I thought – it might not be such a bad idea if Banzai had to marry her...

Flashback – Mira – Day seven of spook school

Sgt. Reynolds and my boyfriend finally exited the men's room and oh no! While the Sgt. was grinning my boyfriend looked like a lamb being lead to death. I quickly ran over, attacked my boyfriend's arm and teased, "My boyfriend, I perceive you are in distress. Did everything exit your alimentary canal correctly?"

Sgt. Reynolds and my boyfriend both understood my vulgar joke and laughed. My boyfriend replied, "No Mira, my body is performing satisfactorily. So which store would you like to see first?"

I smiled at him and answered, "You know the best about that my boyfriend."

So we walked down the hallway, the first shop of any interest was something called Aeropostle. I stopped and looked at the figurines in the window and enjoyed the nice beat-y music. Sgt. Reynolds asked, "Mira do you see anything you like in there."

I turned and said, "Not really, the clothes are stylish and I like the music but I do not think I would like to enter this store."

We walked a bit further - this place truly was a marvel and I was sure we would find exactly what I desired; with this many stores, how could we not? We walked by a store which offered massages and I wondered if my boyfriend would like a massage or even if he would let me give him one. We walked by many more clothing stores: I did not know they had some many different brands of clothes. I stopped in front of BCBG Max Azria and admired the figurine in the window. I felt my boyfriend's arm tighten as he asked, "Mira did you want to go into this store?"

I smiled at him and said, "This is one of my favorite stores and I was just admiring the dress in the window because I have one just like it. However if you desired, we could enter the store and I would give you a little fashion show."

I saw some sadness cross his eyes, which was strange and he said, "Perhaps later, let's see what other stores they have here."

The walking continued as Sgt. Reynolds stopped in front of a store called Victoria's Secrets. He grinned and asked, "Hey Mira you could go in here and give us a little fashion show."

I looked at the undergarments on the figurines and abruptly answered, "No thank you Sgt. Reynolds. I'm not sure what sort of secrets Victoria could conceal with those undergarments." My statement gave Sgt. Reynolds and my boyfriend much mirth.

We had walked forever and finally found a food area. Sgt. Reynolds remarked, "Hot damn, it's pretzel dogs." And he dashed toward a food vendor.

I looked at my boyfriend and he asked, "Mira, have you ever had a pretzel dog?"

I scrunched up my face and replied, "I would never intentionally eat dog!"

My exclamation made my boyfriend laugh and then he expounded, "Mira they are hotdogs – frankfurters wrapped in dough and baked. Come on, I'm having one and you can have a bite or two of mine."

We ran after Sgt. Reynolds who had already, happily placed an order. L.Cpl. yelled, "Hey Jack don't be a pig and leave some of those for the rest of us."

Stinky Sgt. Reynolds replied, "After you leaving me those crappy Country Captain Chicken MRE's I need some real damn food."

My boyfriend quipped, "So, last night's meal wasn't real food?"

That statement made me sad as it reminded me of my terrible mistake and I began to sniffle. My boyfriend looked at me but comforted me as he added, "Mira don't be sad, please remember why we're here today."

Yes! He was right, today was going to be a great day. I got excited again and gave him a big kiss right on the lips - until some rude person behind us cleared their throat. I pulled away, glared at them and stated, "If you do not like to witness our happiness, perhaps you should look in a different direction."

She replied, "What are you, a damn foreigner? Well perhaps you two should get a room."

I did not like the tone of her voice or her female dog attitude. I began to expand my displeasure when my boyfriend beat me to it, "Mira, she's not worth it. Besides aren't we here for a different reason?"

He was again right! I hugged his arm and we advanced toward the table which Sgt. Reynolds had already acquired. We sat down, and as my boyfriend handed me my own pretzel dog, I inquired, "You purchased one just for me?"

He laughed, "Yes because after you try it you'll gladly eat the whole thing."

I watched in amazement as Sgt. Reynolds ate like a starved man. Then my boyfriend began attacking his like a savage wolf. I looked at mine and suddenly decided to perform a perfect, practical prank...

Flashback – Jack – Day seven of spook school

Holy shit! Mira just ... I can't fucking believe it! Mira just closed her eyes, started moaning and shoved almost the whole damn pretzel dog down her throat. Then started moving it in and out of her mouth! Shit no! I and every other guy that could see her were frozen by what she did and I'm sure we all wanted to trade places with the pretzel dog - that is until she opened her eyes, grinned and took a big bite out of the pretzel dog. I unconsciously crossed my legs. Damn that almost caused me pain!

Flashback – Mira – Day seven of spook school

I smiled at my boyfriend and sultrily stated, "Sorry, for a moment this pretzel dog reminded me of someone..." Then, I giggled and changed the wording, "I mean something else. But you are correct it is very tasty."