Chapter 160: Everybody Wants Something

I just wanted to go to bed. I was tired and the pain in my calf was more than usual. I planned to take a double whammy, over the counter pain killer combo, and try to sleep. That's what I planned, but it wasn't what happened. What happened was the knock on my door. I expected Sarah or Cheryl, maybe. I did not expect Gwen.

"Can we talk?" she asked inviting herself in.

"Gwen, I'm about to take some aspirin, and then some Tylenol and have one drink before I pass out cold. If you can get your talking done, while that is happening, go for it." I said.

"I don't understand you at all," she informed me.

"Can you talk to me while I take a shower. I really feel like I need one," I said.

"That's what I mean. How can you just wash it away. Surely you have some feelings of shame?" she asked.

Actually I don't feel shame ever. Whatever it is you think I should feel shame for is over, and I forgave myself. Now it's time for me to do what I have to do again. But tell me Gwen, what is it that I should feel shame about?" I asked. "Speak loudly, I'm getting into the shower."

She decided to wait until the shower was over. Having been in the military all those years, my showers were short. When the water was off and I was drying down, Gwen started up again.

"What you did tonight, don't you regret that?" she asked.

"Gwen people pay for information all the time. CIs get paid, it's the way the system works. Obviously, Barbara and Ned don't need the chicken shit money I would have paid them, but they wanted to have an adventure. They probably watch porn, so that they can do those things with each other. I mean he is old and her body is not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, so whatever works for them is fine with me.

I have already had sex since the cruise, so for me it wasn't from being overly horny. For me it was a case of thats what they wanted. I mean I have slept with two people for reasons not nearly as good. Mostly just because they expected it of me, and I wanted to please them."

"Why in the world do you feel the need to please people by letting them use your body. I mean you don't really seem to enjoy it," she said.

"Of course I enjoy it. Do you really think, that because there is so little romance, it can't be fulfilling? Well, you are wrong. Sex, for the sake of sex, can be very fulfilling. I just have to be in the right mood for it. The trick with Barbara is that I had a reason, but I could have said no, and made it stick. I am in control, she thought she was in control, I could tell. She had control of Ned for sure, but she didn't have real control of me.

Then why would you agree to have sex with them? They were strangers." she asked.

"We are back to that romance thing. I guess I just missed the lesson that said there had to be romance to enjoy sex,. I have sex for all kinds of reasons, most of which I don't even understand. If the guy or girl stinks, I might say no. If I absolutely could not stand to wake up next to them the next morning, I might say no. If they have some dreaded disease, I would probably say no.

But, just because they are strangers, I don't think that is a reason I would refuse anyone. Of course there is one thing I will not tolerate period," I informed her.

"I can't believe there is anything. So go on tell me what is it?" she asked.

"I would never do it with anyone I find boring," I said with a laugh.

"Is that why you never hit on me. You find me boring?" she asked.

"No Gwen, you I find abrasive. I would not dismiss you out of hand, but there are so many others around that I might never get to you." I didn't tell her that she ranked just above a gang rape on my list of least likely things to try.

"Okay, then tell me this, why do men and women keep hitting on you. Nobody would ever think of asking me to have a threesome with them." she said.

"For one thing, Barbara and New knew from the Net Bits that I had done it before. Sometimes it's in the meaningless things we say and do that tips people off. Something in our demeanor tells them what we will or will not do." I said. I paused to let that sink in, then I said. "I'm going to take those pills now and have that drink. I think this is too deep a subject for further conversation, as least for tonight."

"Okay, would you mind if I stayed till you fall asleep?" she asked.

"Now see that is the kind of question that would make a man misread you. A man would think that meant you were horny and wanted to have sex."

"What if that were true, what would you do?" she asked.

"Considering I just left a group sex scene, I think I would pass." I said. she looked at me almost sadly.

"Besides that poor, poor pitiful me act won't fly with me. I know that you have Lucas all pussy whipped. I never saw a grown man so whiny over a woman. Somehow he thinks being involved with this case will bring him into closer contact with you." I said.

"I know, I should have the courage to break it off with him completely, but I'm a wimp. I keep wondering what is the right thing to do." she said.

"Sweetie the right thing, is what is right for you. Not what he wants, or what I might want. Your decisions should be about you," I admitted.

Gwen began to prattle so I drifted off to sleep. I jerked awake sometime later and she was gone. I hobbled off to bed glad to be alone.