Chapter 1

It wasn't fair that everything was so hard for her, Shannon pouted to herself. She tried not to think about it all of the time, but the injustice of the whole thing tasted sour to her. She had to work harder than anyone to keep top grades in school. Nobody else knew it, she hoped. She tried so hard to hide it, studying with every spare moment, getting extra help after school, but she was sure it showed somehow in the way she acted in class. Too eager. Too desperate to prove herself.

And it didn't matter. Not a bit. It didn't matter that she ended up with the same grades on her report card as the brightest girls in her class. It didn't matter that she wore the same uniform. It didn't matter that the boys paid a lot of attention to her. She was different. And girls who didn't even try ... girls who got "C"s, and looked more plain than she did, it didn't matter ... they still fit in better. It was all so easy for them.

It was against this silent enemy that Shannon had fought her entire life. Mostly, she had been successful.

It just took a lot of effort.

Like now. The New American Version of the Bible sat open in front of her. Someone was talking, but the words were elusive, bouncing in echoes against the windows to her left. She was trying to avoid the deadening sensation that she didn't really want to understand. It didn't make her happy, the way she had always thought that it would. It just drained her of energy.

Shannon squinted at the page, forcing the words to come into focus. Old testament. Very nearly "In the beginning...". She wondered for a moment why they were reviewing this particular material. They had all read it countless times.

It didn't do any good to wonder, she scolded herself. Focus. Focus on the material, or you'll fall behind.

" ... the beast of the earth after his kind..."

On this odd passage there was a pause in the lecture. The instructor had stopped his reading with a queer emphasis on these words, and was surveying the class.

"Almost a hundred years ago, there was a ruling from the Supreme Court which had significant ramifications regarding this part of the scripture ... can anyone tell me what principles the case involved?"

Eleanor raised her hand. " It was about the separation of Church and State."

"No. I think you're going back a bit far. That issue was revisited ten years before the ruling I'm talking about."

The professor surveyed the room with his glance to see if any other answers were forthcoming.

"I'll give you a hint ... it was regarding biotechnology research..."

"Is that the one where the court upheld the Government's right to impose religious based moral standards on private scientific research?" Bethany asked. Bethany didn't need to raise her hand. She spoke out automatically, with an air of authority that none of the instructors here had yet challenged. Even if she was wrong, they very gently steered her back to the right answer without ever implying that her initial answer was incorrect.

She drove Shannon nuts sometimes. They had known each other forever, and even though she felt out of place in amongst all of the new girls she was meeting at college, it bothered her to admit that there was comfort in the familiar jealousy that was washing over her at this moment.

Damn it, why did the instructors have to teach with this method anyhow? Why ask questions from the students, when the material hadn't even been presented? How was Shannon to know about some legislation that was passed years before she was born?

And how did Bethany always seem to know, she demanded of herself resentfully. Why did it always seem like the other girls were privy to a source of knowledge that Shannon couldn't access? They pulled answers out of thin air, as if some quiz show contestants were held captive in their heads, feeding them the answers. Everything Shannon knew came from these books ... these classes. The term 'general knowledge' didn't seem to apply to her.

"Why did the government see it as necessary to control privately funded scientific research?" he asked, pausing for the girls in the class to buzz in." Mary?"

"Because scientists were going against God's will by..."

"I don't think it's that simple," interrupted the professor, anticipating that the girl would simply repeat the common justifications from the religious establishment. "In the next few weeks, we're going to explore the ethical, economic and political reasons why the government stepped in, during an era of our history where academic and social freedoms were valued as almost absolute."

This was so much different than previous years, Shannon sulked to herself. It had always been so black and white in grade school. And even though she still recognized some of the girls who took the seats around her, the first few weeks of these college level courses made her apprehensive to say the least. It was no longer enough to simply memorize what was written on the page. The instructors wanted her to analyze things. They wanted her to think.

How could she think with so many distractions around? Like now, for instance, there was the woman in the room who had taken a seat a few rows behind her. The instructor didn't ask who she was. He just gave her a nod of welcome when she slipped into the room. Was she an administrator here? Was she a parent? And why did Shannon get the feeling, from the corner of her eye, that the woman was observing her?

This wasn't just paranoia, although she had always been a little guilty of indulging those anxieties in social situations. This time she was sure of it. The woman watched while Shannon squirmed restlessly in her chair, and took notes in a little black binder. They had seen each other before. Shannon recognized something in the rigid posture of the woman, and the intensity in her manner. It was no use to try to trace the source of the memory, though. It was just slightly beyond her grasp, and Shannon knew from experience that no amount of effort would bring the recollection to life.

Around her, the other students rose to signal the end of the class. Shannon stayed seated, waiting for the woman to leave, so that they wouldn't run into each other on the way out. She stalled, stacking her books neatly, and organizing her pencils. Her heart began to race when she realized that the woman was still there, watching her.

Everyone was leaving. Soon she would be alone. An irrational panic swelled in Shannon's chest. She wanted very badly to escape, but every passing moment seemed to make it more obvious. Why was she stalling? And what did the woman want?

When Shannon finally did move, she stood a little too quickly, and knocked the books from the edge of her desk. The instructor looked up from his lecture notes. Shannon caught his glance, and blushed, dropping to her knees to gather her books hastily. This was all so stupid, she told herself. If she were like Bethany, she wouldn't be this awkward. She wouldn't let things rattle her this way. She wouldn't be so afraid of the sound of footsteps on the floor behind her. She wouldn't continue to fumble with her books, too nervous to acknowledge that the woman was probably standing right behind her.

But she wasn't like Bethany, and she kept her head down for what seemed like eternity while the woman she couldn't quite remember stood above her, waiting. Watching.

Then, mercifully, the woman began to walk away, and Shannon could breathe again.

Focus. Focus on the task at hand. She gathered her books together, quite sure that the instructor was still watching the comical display, and began to rise. Then she noticed the slip of paper on the floor in front of her. Had it been there before? No. Maybe the woman dropped it by mistake. Maybe...

Shannon slipped it into the palm of her hand quickly, eager now to finally escape this classroom. It wasn't until she could find an unoccupied bench on the campus grounds that she opened her hand and accepted the invitation.

Elizabeth Fisher. "A" building. Office 302. Two o'clock.

No title. No message. Just an appointment.

She could throw it away. Shannon toyed with the idea. It wasn't a real appointment. It was actually kind of insulting, really. The woman didn't even introduce herself. She just stood above Shannon, probably amused by how intimidated she was. Then she had just carelessly tossed the note on the floor, sure that the Shannon would pick it up behind her, and would just blindly go wherever it told her to.

It was arrogant.

The woman just assumed that Shannon would have nothing else planned, or that she would drop everything to make herself available. It would put her behind for the whole day. She wouldn't even be finished with her math tutor at the library until nearly two o' clock anyway. Then she would have to rush all the way across campus to the administrative buildings.

No, she should definitely just throw the paper away, she argued. The woman didn't ever need to know that she picked it up. She could just go on with her day as if it hadn't happened.

Still ... if she hurried a bit, maybe Alana would be willing to start the tutoring early today ... and if she timed it right, she might be able to catch the shuttle...

And by the time two o' clock rolled around, Shannon had 'just maybe'd herself all the way to the office door, where she stood nervously, with the hand-written note in her hand as an excuse for being there. She stood there, frozen for a while, chastising herself for being too afraid to knock, but not decisive enough to simply walk away.

Bethany would have laughed, if she were able to see this. Shannon knew it. Or maybe she would just give that thin, superior smile that made Shannon feel like a child, or a pet, or something.

"Come in," Elizabeth told her, upon opening her office door, and finding the college girl standing there awkwardly. " I knew you'd come. I just wasn't sure it would be today."

Arrogant. Condescending. Shannon made the accusations silently, but still followed the woman into her office and took the seat she indicated.

The office seemed purposely absent of purpose. There were no file cabinets with student initials on them. There was no computer with post-it notes on the screen for passwords and shortcuts. There wasn't even an appointment book. No clues. Just like the note.

"Who are you?" Shannon asked of the woman, who seemed content to sit across the desk from her, and trace her pen along the top of a page in her little black notebook.

"I'm Elizabeth Fisher. But, if you picked up my note, you already know that. Really, you should try being more direct with your questions, Shannon. But then, that's one of your weaknesses. You're just not very assertive, are you?"

Shannon bit her lower lip, and averted her eyes.

"And now you're pausing because you don't quite know how to answer the question," the woman continued after only a short silence. " But, my dear, you don't need to answer me. You already have. Just by coming here, you've told me a lot about yourself. Of course, I already knew a substantial amount about you from the results of your tests."

"Tests?"

"Yes. You remember taking them. Every year in grade school, you wrote tests to track your development. All of the students took them, but I suppose you disliked them more than just about anyone else, because you performed so poorly."

It was true that Shannon had dreaded those tests. They were confusing. They weren't based on the material presented in class. There were logic puzzles, and English comprehension questions, and a long series of questions that seemed engineered to make her contradict herself.

The test scores never came back. They just floated away, apparently to the non-existent file cabinet in Elizabeth Fisher's office.

"It's no wonder you disliked them, Shannon. You were so easily led from one question to another, by the answers you anticipated the test to be looking for. It's a common tactic in psychological testing. By the time you finished, your opinions had been twisted into knots that you couldn't possibly unravel. It's a profile that intrigues me. It's rare that I come across such a weak mind."

Shannon could feel her blood rising. " I don't have to sit here and be called stupid."

"No, you don't," the woman paused to punctuate the point she was about to make, "but you will. That's what makes a person like you so interesting to observe. I can say anything I want about your mental abilities. You're weak minded. You're easily confused. You're a simpleton. No matter how much you deny it, even to yourself, and no matter how humiliating it is for you to hear it, you'll stay and listen because you need to know what these test scores have revealed about you."

"Besides, you haven't the nerve to defy authority ... even if you're not sure what the source of that authority is. You don't know what my position is. You don't even know for certain that this is my office. You assume so because I told you to come here. You'll accept my version of your test results because they seem to match the weaknesses you see in yourself, but you're not really sure about any of it."

"I don't suppose you find this very amusing, but I do. The fact that you're still sitting there ... biting your lower lip ... squirming in your seat the very same way you did in your Political Science class this morning ... it confirms everything I'm saying about you. And now we're going to talk for a while, and I'm going to ask you some very personal questions, and you're going to answer every single one of them. Does that mean I'm a student counselor with the college here? I'll let you assume that for the time being. If you're too weak to demand answers from me, I have no inclination to offer any."

Shannon felt like arguing. She wanted to prove how wrong this woman was. She wasn't stupid. Shannon had always maintained high grades. She didn't want to give this woman the satisfaction she was obviously deriving from the precisely crafted sound of her own voice.

For a moment, the feeling took control, and Shannon stood to leave, her face red with anger. It was a bluff, she knew, and as soon as Elizabeth's voice struck her again, it was over.

"Sit down," she ordered. Shannon's body obeyed almost automatically.

She was so goddamned close, Shannon berated herself. So close to walking away, but she couldn't do it. What bothered her most was that the woman seemed to know it. With anyone else, the bluff would have worked.

Well, anyone except Bethany.

"Let's talk about Bethany Harper..." Shannon's heart skipped a beat at the suggestion.

"How did you... ?"

"Oh, were you thinking about Bethany too? It's strange the way coincidence works, isn't it? I only mention her because I've heard that the two of you are ... well, what should I call it? Friends?"

"I guess."

"You've known each other for quite some time, haven't you?"

"Yes."

"It's an odd pairing. Your test results couldn't be more different. Do you resent the way she outperforms you in class?"

"She doesn't outperform me..." Shannon spat back angrily.

"She sure seemed to have the edge today."

"I was just ... distracted. Normally, I always get better grades than her."

"Maybe on an academic transcript, but when you look at the test profiles..."

"I don't care what your tests say. Bethany isn't any smarter than I am. She's just..."

"Yes?"

"Well ... she just knows how to get the better of people. She's lucky that way."

"It sounds like the two of you have quite a rivalry going."

Rivalry. It was strange that this particular word had never seemed to occur to either Shannon or Bethany, despite the way they were always working to outsmart, or in Shannon's case outwork, each other. Inside, Shannon knew that the contest was hopeless for her. Bethany knew it too. However, they still went through the motions.

This year, she had hoped it would be different. She had purposely kept away from Bethany. She was trying to find a new group of peers. There were moments of doubt, of course. Something about ' the devil you know... '

"Did the two of you compete in athletics as well?"

"Yes," Shannon answered quietly, uncomfortable from the start about where this conversation was going." We raced against each other on the mile track."

"And how did you fare?"

"It's hard for me. I don't think I was meant to be a runner. My body just wasn't built for it."

"How do you mean?"

"I tried really hard every day, just to keep up with her. When I went to bed, my body would ache. My knees. My hips. They throbbed from the pain. I would get up early every morning, and stretch my sore body, and push myself to run again. But my balance was off, and I couldn't quite move like I should, and when I ran with the other girls, I knew I was out of my league."

"It sounds like you're full of excuses," Elizabeth interjected, her voice mockingly critical.

"They're not excuses!" Shannon couldn't dodge her own reaction, even though she was sure the woman was relishing it." If I wanted an excuse, I would have stopped trying, but I never did. I always kept on running, and trying hard, and working to cross the finish line faster than Bethany. I could beat most of the girls, but it always made me so angry..."

"Angry?"

"They could have beaten me so easily if they applied themselves. They didn't have to try as hard as I did. At the end of the race, when my sides were burning, and my legs could barely hold me up, they were still laughing and joking with their friends. And it made me angry than any one of them could have beaten Bethany, too, if they just set their minds to it. They just didn't want it badly enough."

"But you did?"

"I wanted it more than anything. Bethany had all of the money, a real family, and all of the friends she wanted. She only let me hang around because I was matching her scores in the classroom. But on the track, she could always pull away from me at the last moment, because my body just wasn't built for running."

"It still sounds like an excuse. If you don't mind me saying, you seem like a very fit young woman. Some people would even envy the shape of your body. Maybe you didn't want to win badly enough either."

"It's not an excuse..." the protest was almost pleading." When I was younger I was always at the doctor's office for one thing or another. They were always testing me. I had problems with my breathing ... and with my vision ... and..."

"Did you ever win?"

Shannon nodded.

"You don't seem thrilled about it."

"The way it happened ... I've never been quite sure if it was real. I mean, it was our last race of the year, and everyone knew how much I wanted to beat her, at least once. As we got towards the finish line, I could see that Bethany was clowning a bit for the other girls. She was keeping me close ... so close to passing her. Then, when she would normally have pulled ahead, I pushed myself harder than I had ever done before. My muscles were burning. I caught a glimpse of her when I passed. She had this look on her face..."

"What look?"

"This is going to sound stupid. I guess I didn't have much time to think about it at the time, but I knew that it bothered me. It was like I was ... an amusement to her. It wasn't like she was genuinely surprised or upset that I was passing her. It was more like the awe that the audience at a circus gives to the elephant when it balances on one leg. Like 'how did they get that stupid animal to do that trick?'"

Elizabeth nodded her understanding of the analogy.

"And when I finished the mile, I stumbled sideways, and skinned one of my knees up pretty badly. I clutched my sides, and almost vomited from the pain in my legs. My face must have been a bright pink from the exertion. I had always thought that it would be different, to beat Bethany, but there she was, looking down at me, with a bit of a smile on her face ... and I wondered..."

"Yes?"

"I wondered if I had really won."

"You mean, you wondered if Bethany had let you pass her on purpose?"

"Yeah, but more than that. I wondered if she had always wanted this ... to see how far I would push myself ... how much abuse I would force myself to take ... I don't know. It was like when I crossed the finish line, she won."

"It's an interesting thought," the older woman noted," and it's enough for today. I'll see you on Thursday."

And that was that. Shannon left the administrative building with the mood of the conversation surrounding her. Elizabeth had mocked and prodded her into revealing more about herself than she was comfortable with. The woman had taken notes without looking down, maintaining eye contact throughout the conversation.

It was more than troubling. Despite every instinct, Shannon knew that she would be coming back to see this woman, and reveal more to her. How much? Probably everything. She would come back once ... twice a week, or however often the woman told her to.

The real question was, why?

Shannon waged the same internal arguments each day. She forced herself to pay attention in class. She was fighting to build a new life here, independent of her old friends, and especially from Bethany. She was fighting to overcome the innate limitations that had always stood in her way. It was a constant struggle against her own weaknesses, against the part of her that wanted to just give up the fight.