Chapter 1

Standing at the foot of her grave, I still couldn't believe what was plainly happening right in front of me. The burial crew couldn't care less about my disbelief, though. As inexorable as taxes, they began filling the pit that contained the mortal remains of the woman I loved.

I met Lily while attending one of those "orientation" things that all colleges hold for new students. She was a freshman, and I had just been accepted into the medical school. We hit it off and started dating, and with only a few side-trips, we dated pretty much throughout the next four years, becoming exclusive after that first year.

We both graduated on-time, and she took a job with a local business, while I went on to complete my internship and residencies at the University Hospital. Having graduated, she had to move off-campus. Being an "older" student, I already had an apartment, and so, naturally, she moved in with me.

We weren't flush with cash, but money wasn't a particular problem, so eventually we decided to make both sets of parents happy; we went ahead with a wedding. With me still in school, however, and her working full-time, we agreed that having children would have to wait.

It was during the last year of my last residency that something changed. It almost seemed as if the life went out of her, and I couldn't get her to tell me what was wrong. She became moody and unresponsive, and over time became more and more withdrawn.

I finished my residencies, and although I liked the college town and had several nice offers with local group practices, I decided to take a position with a group in another city in hopes that the move might turn her around. For a while, it seemed to be working, but then her demons returned.

We had been married less than three years, and I was only four months into my new practice in plastic surgery. We were doing okay, financially, with prospects for a brighter future. None of that seemed effective in relieving her depression, though, and one evening I came home just to find her beautiful, cold, dead body lying on the floor in our apartment. She had taken an overdose of a prescription drug that I didn't even know she possessed.

Her suicide had very nearly resulted in m own. At the time, I couldn't see any way to continue my life without her, but my cowardice prevented me from following her into death.

Everyone drifted away from the grave, unwilling to watch as the body that was once vibrant with life became entombed in the earth. Everyone, that is, except me, and one other, who loved her almost as much as I did: Nadine Hurst - Lily's "best female friend".

Nadine had attended high school with Lily, and they were room-mates in college, until they graduated. She double-majored in Physics and Mathematics, and after finishing her BS, decided to continue on as a graduate student.

She didn't date much (not for lack of looks - she was a knockout!), preferring instead to concentrate on her studies and research; while she continued to live in the dorms while she earned her Ph.D. in some obscure branch of Astrophysics ... or Cosmology ... or something else for which I could never see the attraction.

Anyway, she and Lily continued their friendship even after our wedding, and beyond. Even after we moved away, there was the occasional visit - Nadine would come to stay with us, or Lily would visit her in the dorm. The two kept in almost daily contact, via telephone, although Lily seemed to want to cut me out of those communications, eventually becoming almost furtive about them.

No, it's not what you're thinking. Lily really was talking to Nadine. I know this because I pay the phone bill and I saw the long-distance charges It wasn't that she didn't want me to know to whom she was talking. It was more like ... she had a problem that she felt only Nadine would understand. It did upset me though, that she was willing to confide in Nadine, but not in me.

The circumstances inevitably led me to conclude that I was somehow the crux of her problem, and that didn't sit well, either.

Nadine seemed to hang back from the retreating crowd, apparently waiting for me. I felt all cried-out, but I didn't know whether I could face her without breaking down again. I couldn't handle much more of the burial though, so I gave up and headed for my car.

In order to get there I had to walk right by her, and as I approached, she opened her arms to hug me. I didn't really feel like a hug at the time, but it would have been rude to refuse. Besides, I'm a sucker for a woman shedding tears.

I took her in my arms, and held her as she sobbed. I'm ashamed to say that, even in the midst my grief for Lily, my "little soldier" rose to stand at attention. No surprise there. I hadn't enjoyed "conjugal bliss" for quite a while, because of Lily's depression, and even with runny makeup and eyes red from crying, Nadine was a beautiful woman.

I tried to separate from her, apologizing, but she would have none of it. Clinging to me, she began to speak.

"Ray, there are some things I have to tell you ... things you need to know. She wanted to tell you herself, but could never bring herself to do it."

This didn't sound good.

"Nadine, I don't want to hear anything that would make me think less of my wife. If that's what you've got in mind, forget it."

"No Ray, I'd never do that, I loved her too ... but you need to know what happened, and why it had the effect that it did on her. It wasn't your fault, and it wasn't her fault, but bad things happen to good people."

Both of us knew I'd never be able to rest until I knew the facts, but I still didn't like where it seemed to be heading.

"All right," I declared, "Say your piece, but if it even starts to look like a character assassination to me, I'll leave immediately and we will never speak again!"

She dried her eyes and sniffed, then nodded her head. "We need to find someplace private," she said. "The only place nearby that fits the bill is your apartment."

I looked at her stonily, and she said, "We just need to talk. Or at least, I need to talk to you ... I have nothing else in mind." I nodded my agreement and told her to follow me home.

Our apartment lease included two reserved parking spaces in the covered garage. Since I commuted using public transit, we'd never needed a second car, so we had a spare parking space for guests, on those occasions when we had them. As she had often done before, Nadine parked right next to my car, and we entered the elevator lobby together.

While waiting for the elevator, I saw and acknowledged several of my neighbors. I couldn't help but feel a bit of dark humor. Most of the other tenants in the building were elderly retired people who'd been there for years. They had all met Lily and me at one time or another, and they knew that her funeral was today. It must've caused quite a stir among them when they saw me ushering another beautiful young woman into my apartment on the very day I buried my wife!

Entering the apartment, I took her coat, and hung it in the closet. I loosened my tie, and removed and hung my own coat as well.

"Care for a brandy?" I asked. "I need one myself."

"A small one, if you don't mind," she replied. "And help me remember not to drink it too fast, please? This could take a while, and I don't want to turn into a blubbering mess before it's done."

"Okay..." I agreed, pouring her a single and my self a double. "Why don't we move into the living room and get comfortable?" She followed me into the room and took a seat on the sofa. I gave her the single brandy, and took the chair closest to where she sat.

Settling in, I said, "So start talking." It was abrupt, but I wasn't feeling very charitable at the moment.

She nodded somberly, and took a sip of her brandy. "You probably suspect that I know why Lily did it ... don't you?"

"Well, yes. She did confide in you more than in me. It was a major thorn in my side for the last few months ... if she'd told me what was wrong, I might've been able to fix it..."

Nadine shook her head violently, and the tears started up again. "No! There was absolutely nothing either of us could have done! That's one of the reasons I'm here now ... you need to know that you had no part in any blame for her depression!" Regaining control of herself, she went on.

"Let me tell you a story..."

If you can name a negative emotion, I experienced it that day.

Nadine began her tale:

"You already know that while you were in residency and often had to work odd hours, pulling the 'graveyard shift, ' especially on weekends, Lily and I would usually spend time together. We stayed either at your apartment or, if we wanted to take part in some on- campus activity, in my dorm room. One of those situations occurred a few months before you finished your last residency.

"You had night-shift duty at the University hospital for the entire weekend, and the college Drama Club was doing a production of Romeo and Juliet. Lily wanted badly to see it, and was terribly disappointed that you couldn't get free. We conferred by telephone, and since you knew she would probably spend the time with me, anyway, I suggested that the two of us go on to see the play. You agreed that it was an acceptable plan, and you gave Lily a lift to my dormitory while on your way to the hospital.

"Neither of us had had dinner, and the curtain was to open on the play a precisely 7:30 PM, so we didn't have much time to dawdle. We rushed through showers and getting dressed, grabbed sandwiches and sodas at the cafeteria, and barely made it into our seats before the opening lines.

"We enjoyed the play immensely ... I guess the Bard hadn't lost any talent in the past 400- plus years ... and chattered about it all the way back to the dorm, and into the late evening, finally settling down to go to sleep just before midnight.

"We hadn't been asleep long when we were awakened by the sound of screaming girls and the crash of doors being forced open. It seems that on that very night there had been a party going on, not far away, in the dormitory where the varsity athletes were housed. One of the geniuses involved in the party noticed that the ratio of males to females was quite high, and decided that the situation was untenable ... so they decided to target the nearby women's dorm for a panty-raid.

"Now panty-raids come in a variety of flavors. In their most innocuous form, multiple idiots burst into the private rooms of women living in the dorm, rifle through drawers of clothing until they find the desired undergarments, then leave as fast as they can, in order to avoid repercussions. In this type of raid, the consequences to the female targets are usually limited to anger, aggravation, and inconvenience.

"Less commonly, the rules of the raid require that the target panties be removed, not from a drawer, but from a wearer. If that's as far as it goes, the major additional consequences to the victims are embarrassment, and possible minor abrasions and perhaps bruises. The perpetrators rarely leave the scene unscathed, however, and usually display bruises and deep scratches of their own, or worse, long after the event.

"Rarely, things get really out of hand, and those conducting the raid decide that anything goes. In those cases, really heinous crimes are sometimes committed. My dorm was the target of such a raid.

"When we realized what was happening, we tried bracing the door with furniture from the room, but it wasn't enough. We were trying to call the police when the door was kicked in, sending the furniture in front of it flying. Six members of the college basketball team came through the door and stared at us, cowering on the far side of the room.

"'Jackpot!' the ring leader shouted, and his pronouncement was greeted with a chorus of 'Yeah! White pussy!' from the other members of the group. He waltzed toward us like he owned the place, and since I was closest to him, he grabbed me first. He pulled me up and pushed me backward into the rest of his group. They grabbed and held me in a standing position."

I thought I could see where this was heading and I was already seething; ready to take names and kick ass, but Nadine shushed me and said, "There's a whole lot more. You need to hear the whole thing before you go off half-cocked!"