Chapter 16: Choice

It was some days after that before she saw Monsignor Flavin again. When she did, it was in his study, where she stood before his desk again, feeling like a schoolgirl 'on the mat' before the headmistress.

As she entered he had told her to keep her clothes on, and she felt quite bereft, that she was not to be punished was good, but did that mean they were not to pleasure each other? She knew it was sinful, despite his words in the confessional, but she had become accustomed to him making her shudder, and a modern psychiatrist would say she was conditioned to expect it.

"Molly, listen to me. The time has come to review your progress, and to discuss your future," he said.

Waving to a chair she had not previously noticed in the corner, he added pleasantly, "Pull up a chair, my child."

When she was sitting nervously opposite him, he looked long and hard at her.

"Well, you have improved a lot since the first time we met in this room and you flinched when I touched your breast," he started.

Molly nodded.

"Now you seem very obedient. You have realised, I feel, that obedience is the true virtue, and the only one to which you are capable of adhering. I dare say that if I walked round there now and told you to be still, then fondled your breasts and lower body, you would not move a muscle."

She blushed as she realised that this was indeed true. In her cell the Sister Lucia persona ruled her body and hated what happened to her, but in this room the she knew that she would willingly submit to anything he wanted to do to her, and that she would enjoy most of it.

"How sweet, you can still blush at a sexual thought."

He paused and concentrated on filling and lighting his pipe. When it was well alight, he spoke again.

"I have again discussed you with the Mother Superior and the Bishop," he lied, "They both agree that you do not yet have a true vocation to be a member of a religious order. While your obedience is not questioned and the vow of poverty does not present a difficulty, your obvious enjoyment of sexual activities means that some time, perhaps even years must pass before you could again be trusted inside a closed community dedicated to chastity, which really means celibacy. I am sure you understand that a Bride of Christ should not scream in ecstasy as she spends, shudders, impaled on a male finger, or excited by another woman's mouth; nor should she swallow a man's offering so eagerly."

Molly nodded.

"That brings us back to the old option of the Order expelling you on to the streets of Dublin, barefoot and penniless. I do not doubt that you would soon be earning a living in a whorehouse and would not suffer immediately. However, whores tend to catch awful diseases, and to die young, in cruel circumstances, so it isn't a very tempting option. Now, the Bishop and I have devised a way in which you can continue to serve the Church while not actually being in a Convent. On the Bishop's advice, the Mother Superior has agreed that you can remain technically a member of the order, but that you will be on Sabbatical Leave indefinitely. That means you can resume the life of a nun when you are older, should you so wish. In the mean time we have a useful rôle for you within these four walls."

Somewhat infuriatingly for her, he stopped to relight his pipe.

"It is an unfortunate fact of life that all priests are men, and that all men are sinners. The Bishop thinks that for those priests for whom celibacy is all but impossible, it is better for their sin to be controlled and channelled, rather than random and causing scandals. We propose, therefore, that accommodation be provided here for you to ... indulge, yes indulge is the word, indulge these men who could then better control their urges and keep their ... ahem ... hands off their parishioners."

She thought bitterly, 'So I am to be the church's harlot, instead of a public one. Some choice.'

"I think we could make your life here comfortable, and we anticipate no more than three or four visitors a week. In the stews of Mountgomery Street you would be visited many times every day, by all sorts of undesirables. Of course, I shall still have my needs, and the Bishop will call occasionally. If that course of action is agreeable, you would be provided with suitable clothes and, of course, while performing these services you would be known by your former name, Molly."

"Yes, Master," she replied, remembering with no great pleasure those far-off days when she was Molly all the time, before she professed her vows and became Sister Lucia.

"Come with me," he ordered and swept out of the room.

Hurrying to keep up with him, she followed until they reached her cell, and both went into it.

"This is Sister Lucia's cell. Here you are Sister Lucia, the Merciful Nun. Here you will eat, sleep and live, except for the special occasions, when you have a visitor."

She stared at him, not fully understanding.

"Come," and he was gone again.

They hurried along corridors into a part of the College of Correction and Redemption which she had never before visited. The corridors here were not merely carpeted, the carpets were thick. There were pictures on the walls, religious scenes to be sure, but decorations nevertheless. The Monsignor opened a door and led her into a room.