Chapter 19

Have you ever had a moment of clarity when suddenly everything makes perfect sense? It's a good feeling, but it disappears fast, doesn't it? Like when you have a good dream and for a few seconds after you wake up. It's vivid and fresh, but by the time you stumble into the bathroom, it's gone. All you're left with is the sad knowledge that you had it once.

That's what I had, one of those moments. I understood who and what I was, finally it all made sense; and I knew how to tell my dad about it too. That was important to me because, well, he's my dad. I needed him more than ever, but until I figured everything out he was off limits, sorta. I mean, I couldn't try and explain it to him if I couldn't even explain it to myself, right?

That was the good news. The bad news was that I had a football scrimmage at 1:00. And that meant I had to be on the field warming up at 12:30. And that meant I had to be on my bike and pedaling my little round butt off by 12:15. And we were just pulling into the driveway at 12:13.

So much for clarity.

I couldn't tell my dad anything in two minutes! It would take that long just to get his undivided attention. Besides, I had to spend those two minutes grabbing some stuff for practice, like clean underwear and a towel, those would be handy. Some socks too. And somewhere in between getting out of Daddy's truck and getting on my bike, I forgot what I'd finally understood.

It was almost enough to make me cry.

Miss Haven wasn't at the scrimmage, which was okay. I didn't figure she would be, since it was a Saturday and all. She probably had other things to be doing. I wasn't sure what I'd have said to her anyway. I was still trying to decide if getting Miss Haven and Sherry together would be a good idea. It had seemed like it before, but now I wasn't so sure.

Coach was someone I really wanted to talk to, but of course I couldn't during the scrimmage. There would be way too many people around to be talking about BDSM and all that stuff. Besides, he was pretty busy since a scrimmage is sorta like a regular game, except it's just practice. So Coach would be trying different players in different positions, and all the plays, even the really strange ones. He wasn't going to have any time for me asking questions, that was for sure. But maybe later...

"Uh, Coach?" It was halfway through the second quarter and Coach was sort of alone, checking his notes when I decided to talk to him.

"Yeah, Russet?" he barely glanced at me.

"I was wondering if um, we could talk ... Like after the game," I was a little nervous, but not bad.

"Talk about what?" Coach heard a whistle and looked at the field, staring hard under his bushy eyebrows. "Pearson! Get your ass on the other side!" he was yelling. "Other side ... That way ... Over there!" he was pointing and shaking his head. "Goddamn kid," Coach went back to his clipboard.

"Uh, sort of private stuff, Coach," I lowered my voice, looking around a little. "You know, personal."

Coach looked at me then, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking, "Personal, huh?"

"Uh-huh, yes sir," I nodded seriously.

"You knocked up?" he grabbed my chin in his hard but gentle fingers, tilting my head so he could see my eyes.

"N-No sir!" I blinked at him.

"Okay," Coach licked his lips and looked around for a second, letting go of my face. "I ... Uh, I got my special training I gotta do and..."

"Hey Coach!" Lance was yelling, "The ref wants you!"

Coach looked over and the referee was looking at someone's helmet. Probably a chinstrap broke or something.

"Kay," Coach nodded and looked back at me. "How bout you come by my place round four?"

"Your house?" Coach lived just around the corner from the gas station, in Fair Willie's old place. It seemed sort of strange, since I didn't think I'd ever been to any teachers' house before, except maybe to fix a car or a lawnmower or something, but that was different. "Uh, okay."

"Good," Coach nodded and went off to see what the problem with the helmet was.

If you believed Stan, Squinosha's only barber and local amateur historian, Fair Willie was a real Wild West hero. I must have heard at least a dozen stories about him, and all of them 3 or 4 times over while I was growing up and getting my haircuts. Back in the olden times, before there were the modern humanitarian methods of killing a man, people around Squinosha County would gather up the children and pack a picnic basket and head on over to Fair Willie's to see justice handed out on the stump. Of course Fair Willie was more often called 'Fare Willie' since he'd get a nickel for every eyeball that wanted to see the actual hanging, but women and children were half price.

According to the plaque on the stump, according to Stan, since the plaque was hard to read, Fair Willie was a large sort of man. He came from big stock, but he wasn't the kind you'd find imposing, you know? He never crowded a fella, never pushed; hardly even raised his voice that anyone could recall. Maybe cause he didn't have to. Willie was the county Judge, Jury, and Executioner all rolled up into one. Now to some people nowadays that might seem kinda strange, almost unconstitutional in a way. But I guess people back then didn't mind so much; he got that name Fair Willie cause he just had a way of sorting stuff out.

I thought it was sort of a good omen then that Coach just happened to be living in Fair Willie's old house, since I really needed some help sorting stuff out myself. The stump was still there in the front yard and it had a plaque, like I said. Some people had tried to get it made into a state historical site, sort of a museum or something, I don't know. But it didn't seem like anybody else in Washington had ever heard of Fair Willie, at least not the folks in Olympia. Or maybe they just didn't want to spend money on some old tree stump. That was too bad maybe, I don't know, but at least that stump was good for leaning my bike up against.

I knocked on Coach's front door and he let me in with a little grunt and a smile, "Want a beer or something, Russet?" He was just wearing a pair of white shorts and a blue bathrobe that he hadn't bothered tying closed. He looked a little damp and smelled like Zest soap. I figured he must have just come from the shower.

I'd just showered too, and changed clothes so that I looked sorta presentable. I still hadn't found a ride to Beaverton. All of my brothers were out, which was sort of normal for a Saturday. I'd find a ride though, I was sure, there were a lot of guys around town who owed me a favor or two. Of course it might be that I hadn't found a ride because I didn't really want to, since if I couldn't get to Beaverton to see Julie, I'd spend the night with Jane. And that was something I wouldn't mind very much either.

"A beer? Ummm..." I shrugged, " ... Sure."

"Good boy," Coach walked into the kitchen and I followed him. He grabbed a Heineken for me and a ginger ale for himself, which made me wonder a little. "Stomach problems," Coach frowned and rubbed his flat stomach while I just sort of stared at him.

He was rock hard, that was for sure. I'd never seen him without a shirt on before. His abs were serious, like a washboard except better. He had a lot of hair on his chest too, steel grey and curly. And down low on his belly I could see some scars, or something, three little round spots of lighter colored skin, kinda puckered, and wondered about those briefly.

"Hey there," I was startled when another man walked into the kitchen.

He was younger than Coach, a lot younger, maybe 21 or so, I thought, since he sort of reminded me of my brother Steve, except for one thing. He was wearing what looked like girl's underwear, a pair of sheer black panties with little red roses around the waistband. I could see his penis, thick and dark and curled up beneath the thin material. He was also handsome as heck!

"Uh, hi." I took a big drink of beer.

He was a good looking man, like he ought to be an underwear model or something, and the weirdest thing was that he had no body hair at all. Not even under his arms. But that was okay cause he had a really, really great body. He was 6'3" easy with short black hair on his head and his dark nipples were pierced with small gold rings hanging from them. His body was bronze, like he'd spent all summer on a beach, and I mean one of those nude beaches they have in other, exotic places. He was exotic and I was falling down a deep hole right from the get go!

"This here's my Boy," Coach grinned and slapped the man on the back as the guy opened the fridge, getting himself a beer. "That's Russet," Coach introduced me, but his tone made it sound like the name would mean something special to the man.

"So that's him, huh?" he smiled and looked me slowly up and down, nodding. "He's sweet, Coach, you weren't lying." I was turning 16 shades of red. "Coach tells me you're a hell of a football player."

I couldn't hardly look at the guy. I mean, he was gorgeous and obviously queer as Rock Hudson, and he was looking at me like ... Well, like I was queer too and he wanted to do something about it. It was embarrassing, but only because nobody had ever looked at me like that before, at least no man had, and I really liked it for the obvious reasons.

"Uh, thanks," I licked my lips. "What's your name?"

"I told ya that already, Russet. Goddamn, you gotta pay attention son!" Coach laughed as I blushed a little more. If Coach had said his name I'd totally missed it.

"Coach thinks my name's Boy, but most folks call me Levi," he stuck out his hand. "Levi Smith."

"Oh, um..." I was smiling and shaking his hand, doing my best to match his strong grip, when I realized what he'd just said. "Levi ... Smith?" I asked slowly. "You're the quarterback for the Cougs!" I kicked myself for sounding like an idiot.

"Yeah. That's me," he grinned and I felt my heart doing flip-flops. He had green eyes, like really green eyes, and I just sorta looked at them for awhile.

"I think he's gonna mess his shorts, Boy," Coach chuckled.

"How old are you?" Levi asked me and I blinked a couple times.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" I asked him, before I realized he'd asked me a question. And then I thought asking a guy if he had a boyfriend was pretty damn rude when you'd just shook hands, so I looked down quickly, really wishing I hadn't said anything.

"I told ya, didn't I, Boy? He don't pussyfoot around," Coach pulled up a chair to his table and sat down.

"I guess not," Levi laughed lightly and didn't seem put off by my directness at all. "Uh, nope, no boyfriend at the moment. But I'm always looking."

"I'm fourteen," I bit my lip and looked at him.

"And already a heartbreaker," Levi shook his head and looked me up and down some more. "Coach said you busted your quarterback's nose."

"He, uh, deserved it," I took another swallow of beer, hoping there wasn't like a quarterback's code or something that would keep Levi from liking me.

"I heard he grabbed your ass," Levi grinned as I blushed some more. It was really getting hot in that kitchen.

"Uh, yeah," I nodded, trying to keep my eyes from roaming across his hard chiseled body. He was seriously built and I wondered why more guys didn't wear lace panties, they looked great on him.

"So, if I wanna grab something I should..." Levi played the tip of his tongue across his lips and my pussy spasmed hard.

"Alright, yeah, yeah..." Coach kicked a chair out with his foot. "Have a hunker, Russet."

"Be right back," Levi grinned at me and walked out of the kitchen, his hard ass making my mouth water, literally.

"You like that, huh?" Coach laughed, watching me as I stared at Levi. "He was one of my special players once, down in Walla Walla. Biggest goddamn flirt I ever met, but sweet Jesus what a mouth on that kid."

"He, uh, he knows about me?" I looked at Coach, almost whispering.

"What? You bein' one of my special boys?" Coach smiled and looked a little guilty maybe, but not much. "Normally I wouldn't say anything, but I thought maybe you might not mind so much. Anyway, that's why he come up from Pullman. Musta drove like a banshee too."

I hadn't meant that, but I got sidetracked, "He came up just to meet me?"

"Yep," Coach grinned. "I told him all about you, hell you're one of the best players I've ever seen, Russet. I gotta show you off, boy!"

"Oh," I smiled a little self-consciously. "But um, he doesn't know I'm a girl? On the outside?"

"Hmmm..." Coach rubbed his jaw. "Not sure I mentioned that."

"Mentioned what?" Levi stepped into the kitchen smiling like he was selling toothpaste, and he could have, believe me. He was carrying a red 3-ring binder. "I thought maybe you'd like to see my playbook."

"Not sure it matters none either," Coach said softly and chuckled.

"Uh yeah, sure," I smiled as Levi started pulling up a chair between me and Coach. The Cougars playbook! I couldn't believe it! I was sitting in Coach's kitchen next to Levi Smith, one of the best college football players in the country, looking through a real playbook like it was a photo album or something, which it was in a way.

"Why don't you take that into the other room," Coach said, giving me a little wink that made me smile with embarrassment.

Coach was hooking us up, that was obvious and I was pretty much in heaven. I didn't know what Levi would think about me being a girl, but for the moment I didn't care. This was very literally my ultimate dream come true, like all of my secret wishes being granted. A handsome, strong, gay man who liked me a lot, who wanted me as a boy, you know? Nothing else anywhere mattered except being with Levi and wanting him to like me.

Whatever I'd wanted to talk to Coach about, I couldn't remember what it was. I couldn't think of anything really, except that my mouth was hurting because I was smiling so much. Levi was telling me about the plays and what it was like playing for the University of Washington, and getting to start in the Rose Bowl the year before. He was funny and sweet and smart and I was hopelessly head over heels in love. This was the real deal too, there wasn't any doubt, no fear or any of that. I'd met Mr. Right as they say.

We sat close together on the sofa, close enough so I couldn't help but feel his smooth body next to mine. I was still dressed, but all Levi was wearing were those panties and he must have liked me just fine. His cock was thick, growing beneath the lace, and he wasn't trying to hide it. His voice was gentle and whispering in my ear, even though he was just talking football, it was still making me hot and tingly all over.

Every now and then Coach would pop his head into the room, just to make sure we were okay. Like how would we not be? I was sitting next to Levi Smith, my hand on his thigh, although I don't remember how it had gotten there and he didn't seem to mind. I was terrified that I was gonna wake up and find all of this a dream. My heart was pounding, my mouth was dry. I couldn't even breathe.

"Hey," Levi said gently. I was looking down at the playbook and when I turned my head to look at him, he kissed me.

It was like a damn broke or something, because I was kissing him back eagerly. My hands went to his body, just exploring his smooth hard flesh like I'd been waiting all my life to do it. His tongue was big and thick and strong, so much different than Jane's, but I could barely spare a guilty thought for her, every part of me was focused on Levi.

He was touching me too and trying to pull my shirt off, over my head while we kissed and I had a momentary attack of fear, wondering what he'd say when he saw my small girlish boobs. We got my shirt off though, and I breathed a sigh of relief as Levi took a good look at my breasts and smiled.

"I was wondering if you were just teasing me," he squeezed my left tit with his right hand, which was big enough to cover the whole thing easily. My nipple hardened instantly, or maybe it already was hard, but now it ached and so did the other one, even though he wasn't touching it at all.

"Teasing you?" I breathed, sliding my hand down to his underwear, those sexy lace panties, and finding his hard thick cock straining for release. I squeezed it through the slightly rough material and it was hot and heavy.

"I like boys who look like girls," Levi practically sighed, and his hips moved a little.

"I, uh..." I swallowed hard. "I am a girl." Just in case he hadn't figured that out already, but my brain wasn't entirely working either.

"I know," he smiled and kissed me. "That's why you're perfect," Levi kissed me again. "The perfect..." kiss! " ... Boy..." kiss! " ... For me." He was sucking my bottom lip, nibbling it gently as his hands worked at my belt and I was moving my legs frantically, trying to kick off my boots.

I was kissing his body too. I went for his nipples, just because I had to. Those wonderfully dark, hard nipples Levi had. I took one in my mouth, ring and all, playing my tongue around it while my hand pulled his cock free. I was stroking him, rubbing his cock gently and collecting precum on my thumb. Levi seemed to like all that and he encouraged me softly to kiss his other tit, to squeeze his cock, and do whatever I wanted with him. I was in paradise.

His hands were all over my body and everywhere Levi touched me it felt like I was on fire. I was touching him too, feeling his powerful muscles moving under his warm smooth skin. I squeezed and pulled at his flesh, and sometimes pushed against him too, just wanting to feel how strong he was, how incredibly sexy his body felt under my fingers. I'd never, ever felt so excited, and while that always seemed to be true with every new experience, this time it was absolute. This really was a dream coming true.

When I lowered my mouth to his cock, after kissing that gorgeously hard stomach of his, Levi groaned and let out a happy sigh. I opened wide for it, taking the man as gently as Iknew how into my mouth. I was making love to his cock. Where I'd sucked off a lot of guys already, this was way, way different. I was focused on it, intent to make it the best blowjob that Levi had ever gotten in his life. I wanted to worship him, you know? I wrapped my lips around the thick shaft, minding my teeth, and washing the head lightly with my tongue. I tickled the underside and slid all the way down while Levi worked his hands over my shoulders and back.

It was a great blowjob, it had to be. I did everything I could think of and when I got my throat open and took Levi all the way to the base of his beautiful cock, he lifted his hips and groaned, holding me there for a long second with obvious pleasure. I'd been afraid I couldn't do it, not cause he was too long, he wasn't, but only because he really was pretty thick. What a great cock! I deep throated him several times, until he wanted us to do something else and I wasn't going to say no! Even though I really wanted to swallow his cum and taste his sweet balls emptying into my tummy, I let him pull me off for another deep kiss.

He wanted to see all of me too, that's what it was. Levi wanted us naked and I lifted my hips as he worked my jeans down my thighs, my boxers too, pulling them all down together so I could kick them off my legs. I hadn't brought my strap-on and I regretted it for a second, thinking how much better it might have been to have a hard cock, just to give some proof that I really was a boy inside. I felt suddenly shy, of course, and very self-conscious as I was completely naked in Levi's strong arms.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

Levi was above me as I had sprawled back a little on the soft couch, with my legs slightly spread so he could see my bare sex, plain as day under the sparse blonde hair that concealed nothing. I felt a little ashamed of myself, like I had a deformity, and I wanted to cover myself up, but I didn't. That would have made it worse somehow, I thought. I had no choice but to let the man of my dreams see my stupid pussy and I hated it. I wanted to be the boy I was supposed to be. The faggot that Levi could love forever. I'd forgotten Jane and Julie and Sandy, all those girls meant nothing compared to this and I would feel bad about that later maybe, but I couldn't deny who I really was inside. What I really wanted in a partner. I could spend the rest of my life with Levi, I thought, if only I had a real dick instead of my stupid cunt.

"Sorry for what?" Levi looked genuinely puzzled and he reached down, stroking my stomach.

"That I ... I don't have a dick," I breathed, closing my eyes and feeling my body flush with embarrassment.

"A dick doesn't make you a man," Levi told me, his voice soft but a little firm too. "Didn't Coach teach you that yet?"

I swallowed hard as Levi's hand moved down, touching the swell of my pussy. It was the first time anyone had touched me there, at least without me pushing them away, or telling them to stop. I gasped a little as his thumb touched my clit, hard and burning and barely peeking from its soft sheath. I wasn't going to stop Levi and maybe I still didn't really understand, but if he wanted to touch me? If Levi was okay with my pussy? Then, maybe, I could be okay with it too. It was the first time in my life I'd had even a small idea that I could actually like my body and it made me shiver.

"Yeah," I nodded slowly, looking up into his face. "I think so."

"Then don't be so hard on yourself," Levi smiled. "This..." he slipped a finger along my vagina, splitting my labia slightly so that a trickle of wetness spilled out of me, " ... Just makes you a special boy."

"Ohhhh..." I moaned and my body gave a little jerk as he moved his finger back and forth. "Please..." I reached down, grabbing his wrist and squeezing him hard.

"Do you want me to stop?" Levi asked me.

"N-No..." I panted. "I just never ... No one ever touched me..." He wriggled the tip of his finger inside me, just a little and I thought I was gonna cum any second. " ... There!" I shrieked breathlessly as I pulled Levi's hand hard against my sex, rocking my hips and cumming like crazy.

Levi rubbed my sex hard, with my thighs clenched around his hand. He didn't have his fingers inside me, not past my lips anyway, mostly he was just massaging my cunt with small movements, squeezing my soft pliant vulva, and rubbing me harder and harder. I was lifting my butt off the couch, arching my back and wriggling against the pressure. I'd never felt someone else's hand on my pussy and it was making me crazy.

I think I came for about three minutes, but it felt like three hours and I was crying, but I didn't know why. Levi moved on top of me, kissing my body slowly, my stomach and breasts, my shoulders and neck, and I had my arms around him, sighing and taking deep breaths. I kissed his face, his cheeks and lips. He tasted my tears and smiled at me, telling me it was okay, that everything was okay, he knew I was really a boy and I believed him. He was making it okay that I had a pussy. It was part of me and that was all that mattered. He liked me. Maybe he even loved me, but I was so afraid to want that much.

I felt his hard chest against mine, pressing to my small tits, rubbing my itching burning nipples until I thought they were going to explode. Levi's stomach too, hard and flat moved against mine and below that I'd spread my legs around his ass and thighs, and I could feel his penis rubbing across the soft swell of my sex. It was trapped between our bodies and as Levi kissed me, he shifted a little, reaching down to move himself and I felt the smooth rounded head of his cock across the opening of my pussy.

"Are you going to..." I hitched a sharp breath as my labia was split wide around him, " ... Put it in me?"

I felt scared and nervous and excited all at the same time. My heart threatened to leap from my chest, it was pounding so hard. I'd never, ever dreamed of having sex this way, real sex with my pussy. Levi was rubbing the smooth glans up and down, working the swollen head between my greasy lips and just that felt insanely good. If anyone else had tried to do this, I would have stopped them, but this was Levi and he was queer like me and I was a boy for him. My pussy didn't mean anything, he told me.

Yeah..." he breathed. "I want to make love to you, beautiful boy. My pretty little boy. I want to love you. Let me put it in, please..."

"Yeah..." I swallowed hard because it felt like I could barely talk. "I ... I want you to put it in me ... Okay ... Oh..."

Levi pushed against me with his hips slowly and I felt real pain as my tight virgin sex was penetrated for the first time. His cock was huge, I thought, it had to be the biggest cock in the world, it hurt so much because I was so small and I'd never even had a finger inside me. Not all the way. I tensed and my legs tightened around Levi's hips. I held my breath and closed my eyes, but I wanted to see him, I wanted to look at the man I was giving my virginity to. So I kept them open and stared into those green eyes of his, loving him completely right then.

"Slow ... Uh ... Slow ... Please..." I tapped his back with my hands, begging him to be careful. My pussy burned and the soft muscles at the entrance protested sharply as they were gradually forced to give way. My hole was so small he was having trouble getting inside, mostly because he didn't want to hurt me. He didn't want to push too hard and I loved the concern on his handsome face.

"It's okay ... It's okay..." Levi was saying, over and over, trying to relax me. I felt myself being split slowly, painfully even though I was so wet for him, so ready for this. My pussy lips were spread around him, the smaller ones inside giving way reluctantly to the first and only cock I'd ever want inside my girlish sex.

I felt him stop, finally and I thought that was it, that must have been it. He was all the way inside and that wasn't so bad. I actually smiled and I did relax a little, taking a few breaths and letting the tension out of my body. That hadn't been bad at all and I wondered if I was bleeding like I'd heard some girls do when they lose their virginity. I didn't really feel different, but...

"Are you ready?" Levi whispered, staring into my eyes.

"Wha-What?" I breathed, wondering what he meant and then realizing his cock had only gone as far as my hymen and he hadn't broken through that barrier yet. He couldn't have been more than an inch inside me, if even that far! I reached down and the pronounced ridge of his cockhead was still outside me!

Levi moved, just a fraction, pressing his hard cock deeper so that I felt a sudden ache as he nudged my cherry, just a little. "Are you ready for this?" he asked me again.

"N-No..." I shook my head, suddenly terrified by what we were doing.

I couldn't do it, I didn't want to. I mean I did want to, more than anything. I wanted to make love to him, to let him do whatever he wanted with me. I wanted to just give myself to Levi forever ... But I couldn't. I just couldn't for some reason. I was a virgin and I had to stay that way, didn't I? This was gonna be wrong and it didn't make any sense, since it had been perfectly okay just a second before. What was different? I didn't know, but I just didn't want to lose my virginity on Coach's sofa to a guy I'd just met, even if he was Prince Charming, you know? Maybe I was just coming to my senses finally.

"Shhh..." Levi kissed me and rocked his hips, just a little and the ache became something sharp and hot and it made me gasp loudly.

"No!" I pushed him, digging my fingers into the skin just below his arm, trying to force him away. "Stop ... Please ... No..." I wanted to get away, to move myself out from under him, but I was afraid that would just make the man go deeper.

I was almost sobbing with fear, knowing he was gonna do it. Any second he was going to give me a hard push and split me in two, break my virginity forever and I didn't know what that meant. I wasn't afraid of the pain, I was afraid of not knowing what came afterwards. I wasn't ready for it and the confused emotions were more than I could handle. What if I never saw Levi again? What if he didn't love me? What if...

"Come on..." Levi was fighting a little to stay on top of me, and it wasn't all that hard for him. I was sorta strong, yeah, but he was a lot bigger and a lot stronger, and he definitely had the better position. "It's gonna be okay..."

I knew that was it. He was gonna do it, right then, right there on Coach's sofa and there wasn't a thing I could do to stop him. I'd let him get me there. I'd begged him for it and now he was going to take my cherry and change me forever.

"No! ... Stop please, oh no! ... Grapes! ... Grapes! ... Please!" I was yelling and kicking and hitting his sides with my fists and then...

"Get off her, boy!" Coach had his forearm around Levi's neck, in a headlock, and yanked him straight up and back and off of me so quickly I wasn't sure what was going on. "Grapes means stop, didn't I ever learn you that?"

Levi struggled for a second, but only cause he didn't know what was going on either at first. As soon as he heard Coach's voice, Levi stopped and his body went slack, so Coach could relax his arm, but he still kept it around Levi's neck.