Chapter 3

I slept like a baby that night, when he finally allowed us to actually sleep. It was a solid, deep sleep, too, unlike anything I had experienced in quite some time. The sun was already up and shining through the windows when I awoke. I could hear Hank in the shower, and I slipped from bed and moved quietly into the bathroom. His head was full of shampoo and his eyes closed when he felt me begin to fondle him. As soon as he was partially erect, I dropped to my knees and engulfed that head into my mouth. Without saying a word, he stood there, his back to the shower wall and just enjoyed my awkward but sincere attempts to please him. It took only a few minutes and he exploded into my mouth again, and this time I willingly swallowed his entire offering. It was my way of acknowledging what he had given me all night. When I had finished, he stood me upright and kissed me.

He gave me a terry cloth robe to put on and to my surprise, he wore one as well as we exited his bedroom on our way to the kitchen. We were laughing lightly as we walked down the stairs. Incredibly, I gave no thought to our appearance in front of my children, and as we entered the dining room, both Travis and Sarah expressed shock that we were both in matching terry cloth robes.

"Mother! What are you doing? Why aren't you dressed?" Sarah was clearly anxious and upset at my appearance.

Travis echoed her concern. "What bedroom did you sleep in last might, Mom? We walked around looking for you this morning but there was only one door still shut and Sam said it was Hank's."

I rolled my eyes and looked at Hank. His reaction wordlessly said, "They're your kids. Tell 'em whatever you want." A lot of help he is.

"I slept in Hank's room last night. He was gracious enough to allow me to use his bed since it is more like the one I am accustomed to sleeping on normally."

"Well, then, where did he sleep?" Travis continued.

"Do you have to ask that?"

"MOTHER!!!" they both screamed.

"Alright, calm down, both of you, and I will tell you everything. Hank, please try to find us something to eat. I am starved."

"You slept with him?" Sarah asked incredulously. "What about Dad?"

"I told you I would tell you everything, and I will. Just try to withhold your judgment until I am all done. Until last night, the only man that I have ever had any sex with is your father. All through high school and college, I refused to allow boys to use my body for their pleasure, even though every one I knew was sampling and experimenting with sex. I was a virgin on my wedding day. For as many years as your father and I have been married, I have been faithful to him as I am sure he has been to me. Our sex life produced you two wonderful children and I am confident that he has enjoyed our lovemaking many, many times throughout these seventeen years. Sadly, I now realize that throughout these years, I have been denying myself the pleasures of sex; my only concern was making your father content. I believe that he is."

"Last night, after both of you were in bed, I asked Hank if it would be okay if I took a shower. He graciously allowed me to use his bathroom, and I had no reason to suspect anything unusual would occur. But after my shower, while I was drying myself, he appeared in the bathroom and took my towel away from me. After suggesting that I had no choice, I reluctantly agreed to perform certain sex acts with him in the sincere hope that it would be sufficient. When that was over, he led me to his bed and forced me to have sex with him, against my will. Everything I have told you, thus far, is the absolute truth, and I think if you ask Hank, he will admit to it all."

"But this is where the night became confusing. I suppose that every man in the world has a different technique for exciting his partner in sex. That can certainly be said for the difference between how Hank approaches sex and the sexual experiences that I have shared with your father. As much as I tried to deny to both Hank and myself that what Hank was doing was exciting to me, in fact it was. It was very exciting. More exciting than anything I have ever experienced, and while the sex began as forced, his technique was so effective that I became a very willing participant. I should be ashamed to admit that to you, my children, but it was so altogether different, so very much more fulfilling and pleasurable, that I cannot deny that I enjoyed it immensely."

"My entire thoughts about sex, about sexual activity, about having sex and enjoying sex have been run through a shredder, turned upside down and tossed out the window. I don't know for sure just how I feel about certain things quite yet, but I do know that I have very different feelings about the importance of good sex to a person's well being."

"Now, if it's okay with you, I would really like to eat some breakfast. We can and we will continue this discussion after we eat."

I was in the middle of the sixth grade when my body began changing. Most of my friends had experienced these changes sometime in fifth grade, or at least in the summer before sixth, but it wasn't until the middle of the school year that I saw the beginnings of my breasts. By the start of seventh grade, I had my first period and mom actually bought me some bras to wear. At the same time came the first of our many "talks" as she calls them, pretty much one sided lectures about morality and keeping myself pure for my husband. Mom called the school to complain when she saw that our sex-ed textbook had a chapter discussing masturbation. At first she was going to prohibit me from reading the chapter, but I told her that I would probably fail the course if I didn't know the answers for the test, and that I didn't want to be the first girl ever to fail sex-ed. Of course, my reply to her meant another "talk" about the perils of masturbating and about how she always denied those feelings herself as she was growing up. I have tried to tell her that times have changed and things are a lot different with kids today than they were when she was a teen, but her reply is always that "virginity has not changed nor has a husband's appreciation of it." I can not tell you how many times I have heard her say that, to both Travis and me. I think we should have a plaque made to hang on the wall.

She really became unglued during another of our "talks". After a sleepover at my friend Jayne's house, I made the mistake of mentioning than some of the girls (well all of them except me and one other) brought their vibrators. At first, Mother pretended that she didn't know what I meant and after I elaborated a little, she really went bonkers. I begged her not to call the other mothers and promised not to use one if she would just let it go. She wasn't going to call them to rat on the girls; she was going to complain to the moms about letting their daughters have them to begin with.

I have no intention of being a slutty girl like some of those girls from the south part of town. But I think I am smart enough to understand that times have changed, morals have changed, and I think maybe girls have changed a little too. Whatever world my mother lives in about sex is not the same world I live in. I do know that at Jayne's sleepover, when I touched that vibrator to myself, it sent crazy, crazy feelings throughout my body. I still don't have one, because I don't know where you buy them and I would be too embarrassed to buy it myself anyway. But I know that I would buy one if I could, and I would sure use it too. I found out that I can make myself feel better if I play with myself while I am in the shower. And I know that if I rub my nipples in a certain way, they will get very hard, almost hurting hard and pointy, and then if I touch myself down below, my whole body will shudder and shake, and I will almost not be able to stand up. If that's what sex will feel like, I don't think I will want to wait until I get married, that's for sure. It's probably best that I not share all of my feelings with her.

Our family life is really kind of screwy. My dad is gone most of the time. He travels a lot for his job - I guess he is pretty good at doing whatever it is that he does really, selling that stuff, because he just got a big promotion, and now we are all moving to Arizona. Since he is gone most week nights, and many weekends too, the day to day parenting is left to my mother. In most things, that's not a problem, because I think she is pretty smart, really. She used to be a school teacher, anyway, so ya know ... It would be better, and I would feel differently about a lot of things if my dad had been here for me, maybe if he could have come to some of my baseball or football games, or just been home to play catch, but he wasn't and hasn't been and Mom is a lousy athlete. I think that Sarah and I are pretty close as a brother and sister. I know that I try to keep an eye out for her, both because I want to and because my mother has told me that it is the role of a big brother to protect his little sister. The way she says it, you'd think that creatures from the "dark side" were about to make off with Sarah or something. Anyway, I do keep an eye out for her, and I make sure that nobody messes with her. She is really smart and may actually end up skipping a grade to get into high school, but then we would be in the same class, and that wouldn't work too well.

At our school, when we get into the seventh grade, all the kids are required to take a class on sex education and puberty and things like that. The school sends a letter to all the parents telling them this, for some reason, and of course Mom received the letter. That very day she went to the library and brought home a book about how boys' bodies change. I think it may have been published before she was born. It was about the lamest book ever printed, I swear. But that didn't stop Mom, no sir. She sat me down in the den and she read that entire book to me, just to make certain that I understood how important the subject was, and how easy it would be to fall victim to the depravity and loose morals of some people today. She went on and on and on about not abusing girls and I don't remember what else, but I was actually embarrassed for her, especially for how fervent she was about not having sex before marriage. I'm not quite sixteen yet, and I don't know anybody who has actually had real sex yet, but I know that a lot of the guys on my football team claim to have their girls doing oral sex with them. I haven't done that yet, because I am not old enough to drive yet, and you sure can't do it with a parent in the car.