Chapter 10

We were twenty minutes late to lunch, but Jill didn't care. She was laughing and jumping around like a little girl. I think she was a little giddy, because she was trying to tell me about school, but kept digressing into telling me how much she'd missed me, and how much she loved me. Meanwhile I stumbled along, not watching where I was going because my eyes couldn't get enough of her.

Lynne didn't bark at us for being late. In fact, she barely noticed. She was sitting at the table with a young man and they were deep in a discussion of orchard management. She looked up at me and smiled brightly, and then her attention was all back on him.

"That's Zack," said Jill rather needlessly, pointing at the boy. He had shaggy brown hair and a wannabe goatee. He looked up at me, also grinned, said "Hi," and went on with what he'd been saying as if there had been no interruption at all.

Jill pulled me to the counter, where the table service still sat, waiting to be put on the table. The food was on top of the stove, and Jill and I helped ourselves, buffet style. When we sat down Lynne seemed to realize it was actually time to eat and stood up. Zack's eyes went directly to the breasts straining at the thin blouse in front of his eyes and, unconsciously, I think, licked his lips.

I don't think it was because he was anticipating lunch, either.

"You're late," Lynne finally remembered to say.

"We were ... um ... catching up," said Jill, innocently. Except it didn't sound very innocent. Even Zack looked sharply at her. Then he looked over at me again.

"I've heard a lot about you," he said.

"Oh?" What does a man say to a kid young enough to be his son, in a situation like that?

"Every guy who ever said hello to Jill has heard a lot about you," he said, smiling. "You, my good man, are impossible to compete with."

Lynne was in the process of going through a tough time, and her face showed it. Apparently, Zack's opening gambit, which Lynne didn't KNOW was an opening gambit, had been to start talking about the orchard, and what he had learned in college about managing one. Jill had prepped him, of course, so he knew all the right buttons to push.

Lynne, who had been horrified that her daughter, upon entering the house with her "boyfriend," had introduced him and then promptly announced that she was going to go see me. There had been a short argument, during which Lynne looked meaningfully at Zack - a number of times - trying to suggest to Jill what a complete failure she was being as a girlfriend, until Jill said that Zack loved to cook and would be more than happy to help with lunch.

Zack, to Lynne's astonishment, had agreed heartily, smiling happily at being left alone with the object of his desire. He then initiated operation MILF conquest by talking about the orchard.

Lynne, having been distracted from her horror by this delightful young man, who was so interested in how she seemed to be doing everything exactly like all his professors said it should be done, had gotten more self validation in the last hour and twenty minutes than she'd gotten in the previous ten years combined. She wasn't blind, and she noticed quite plainly that, while he tried to comport himself as a gentleman, Zack was plainly having difficulties in keeping his eyes on politically correct places.

The humorous part of that was that she completely forgot that it was her daughter's boyfriend who was ogling her, until her daughter came back holding hands with her former(?) lover.

To cut to the chase, Lynne was horrified again, except this time it was at the way BOTH boy and girlfriend were acting.

And I was no help. She told me later I had a glazed expression on my face. I think that was because I was so ecstatically grateful that the misunderstanding had been corrected. Of course as far as Lynne was concerned ... it hadn't been corrected. In fact, she didn't even know there WAS a misunderstanding.

"Jill," she said, tersely. "I'd like to speak to you ... privately." That tone of voice penetrated my euphoria, and I woke up.

Jill looked up, her mouth full of food. She swallowed and then said "Can't it wait? I'm starving!"

I saw thunderclouds forming on Lynne's face. I had no idea how well she and Zack had been getting along. I mean they had looked comfortable when I first came in, but then I wasn't paying that much attention to them then. What I SHOULD say that nothing about what was going on raised any red flags, or penetrated my consciousness like the tone in her voice just had. But I clearly suspected that she wasn't in on the deal yet.

"Talk to ME privately," I said, standing up.

"What?" She looked at me, confused.

"We need to talk," I said, throwing my eyes at Jill. I thought I was being sly, but I saw Jill looking right at me.

"You can't tell her, Bob!" she yelped suddenly.

"Tell me what?" asked Lynne, starting to look lost.

"They have to have time!" Jill insisted.

"WHO has to have time?" Lynne asked plaintively.

"She has to know," I said, looking at Jill. "I can tell you right now that if you took 'Making a nefarious plan 101' last term, you flunked it. You can't do this to your mother."

"DO WHAT?" yelled Lynne, looking now from one to the other of us, including Zack, who was sitting there wide-eyed. Apparently he was incapable of forming a workable plan too, and had entered into this one with typical adolescent thoughtlessness.

"But it's so PERFECT!" wailed Jill, standing up. "I just KNOW it is!"

Lynne started making sounds suggesting that a geyser was about to erupt. "IF SOMEBODY DOESN'T TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON HERE..." she yelled.

"That's what I'm trying to do!" I said, swinging to face her. "Now, let's go TALK!" I shouted the last word. Don't ask me why. Everybody else was shouting. Well, Zack wasn't. I think he was on the verge of panic. He was smart enough to know that I had been clued into what was going on, and that I was about to tell the object of his desire what was going on too, which meant if he hadn't made a good enough first impression, he was shit out of luck for the rest of his stay.

"NO! BOB!" squealed Jill.

I swung back to her. I suspect there was a little thunder on MY face about then.

"Sit DOWN!" I barked. "Eat your lunch! We will be back in a few minutes. Is that clear?"

To my amazement, she paled and sat down.

Lynne was still making noises, so I just grabbed her elbow and pulled her out of the kitchen. Don't ask me why, but I guided her to her bedroom, instead of the living room, which was actually closer. There was no way I could break this to her gently, so I didn't even try.

"Zack isn't her boyfriend," I said.

That got her attention.

"In fact, she doesn't HAVE a boyfriend, because she wants to marry me. Your brilliant idea had exactly the opposite effect on her that you intended. She accepted my proposal half an hour ago."

Lynne blinked four or five times. "She what?" Her voice was squeaky high, almost cartoonish.

"While we were ... um ... catching up..." I had the grace to blush then, "she informed me that she was accepting the proposal of marriage you suggested I make to her before she left for school."

"But I don't..." It sank in finally. "Shit," said Lynne quietly.

"Oh, you ain't heard nothing yet," I said.

Lynne's eyes got round. "She's pregnant!" she gasped.

I think MY eyes got round then too. "No!" I whispered harshly. I started to say "I don't think so," and then thought better of it. "Zack's not here for her!"

Her eyes kind of darted around in confusion. "What? I don't understand. Who's he here for?"

"Your daughter, in her infinite wisdom, has brought you a boy toy for Christmas," I said.

OK, I realize I could have said that better. In fact, I'll admit I SHOULD have said it better. But it was all I could think of at the time. And it's how I thought about it, even if I probably should have given him the benefit of the doubt.

"Boy toy?" She mouthed the words, almost silently.

"Apparently he saw your picture, and was instantly smitten with you," I said. "He called you a MILF.

"A what?"

"Never mind. It was an extremely complimentary term, and Jill got this crazy idea that you needed some company during the holidays. Maybe he volunteered. I don't know. But the point is she hasn't had a boyfriend since she left. I'm still her boyfriend." I winced at that terminology, but it's all I had too.

I saw the comprehension flood into Lynne's face. I took half a step back, not knowing quite what to expect. She might explode and if she was angry enough, she might not be too careful about what man she took it out on first.

But she said "Boy toy!" quite firmly.

And then she started laughing.

There is laughing, and then there is the kind of laughter that leaves you helpless. If you get that kind of laugh attack, anybody really can do anything they want to with you, and you'll be helpless to resist. I could have taken Lynne's clothes off right then and there and played tiddly-winks on her stomach and she'd have just kept producing those belly laughs that would have had tiddly-winks flying all over the place.

There was relief in that laughter, and some joy too. Those were clear elements, and I detected them almost immediately. Mainly, though, it was just an honest response to what Lynne saw as a hysterically funny situation.

Jill and Zack came running, of course. These were the kind of gasping belly laughs that make everybody within hearing assume an almost painful grin, wanting to laugh with the laugher. Of course they were worried, and had no doubt been discussing what to do if an outraged "older woman" came charging into the kitchen.