Chapter 3: April

By the beginning of April Greg's life was busy. He bounced between Bonner and Aspen. It was no secret. He brought Evan, Tyler and Alden along one time or another. Alden made some friends but Evan and Tyler simply tolerated it for Greg's sake. The cousins seemed to tag-team him throughout the rest of the week. They rarely phoned him. Usually he would find one or the other at his door with an invitation to spend a few hours hanging out. It was flattering in its way, but it left Greg slightly confused.

He chatted with Zoë about it. He did not want to make a mistake with either of them. Zoë was always the cautious one. She reminded Greg that Bonner was not St. George and the people he was meeting did not have any history with him. She thought Greg complicated his relationships too easily and he needed to keep things simple while he was alone. Greg was tired of being alone. He had ignored his reservations and he had begun making out with some of the girls.

Later at the trailer he would be angry with himself. What was he doing here? Nothing really added up to the chance of a permanent relationship with anyone in Bonner. The girls were so young and he could never really be himself with the boys at the school. He reminded himself that he was so out of here in July. Greg realized he would not have minded bumping into some of the people if he met them later, Seth for example, but he had no desire to sit out another year in Bonner or Aspen so it seemed underhanded to lead anyone on. He went to the parties with good intentions but in the end the temptations at the parties were too strong. The best he could do was sending the message tot he girls that he wasn't serious and avoid making an ugly mistake with anyone else.

There was some relief. Greg had connected with Alex, the drummer from Aspen, and they had found an afternoon to play together. Alex had a brother about Seth's age who sat watching them. He sat near his guitar hoping the older boys would let him join. Greg tolerated his presence since his host seemed content to let his brother hang out. He had tried something different and the kid touched his guitar like he knew it. Greg nodded at him and he eagerly picked up the guitar and joined him. It made Greg think of Seth. He realized the only time he played now was when Seth came over for his lessons. The session in Aspen was the first time since Hal died that he played just for himself. He hadn't thought playing with someone else was that important to his music. Sitting with Alex's brother, Greg had suddenly missed Seth's presence. He sat on the edge of the chair and slid a foot out searching for the now comforting presence of the younger boy.

Seth's mother was still coming over and Greg was still avoiding letting the boy hang out with him. His father and Mrs. Patterson seemed to just enjoy being with each other once a week. Greg suspected they spent time together at the school too.

He saw Seth wandering around after school more often. Seth would walk by the trailer and look in before moving on. There were a few boys about his age in town and Greg supposed he hung out with them. Greg wondered what Seth did with the other boys and he occasionally imagined Seth alone in his room out on the farm as the cold wind gusts flipped the ghostly numbers on his old bedside clock. The gangly boy was frequently on his mind. Seth hadn't returned to any more of the parties. Aaron had started attending regularly. Evan dismissed Aaron's presence at the parties and Tyler would only indulge him for a few minutes. Aaron usually hovered around the larger cousin holding one-sided conversations until he was drawn away by one of the boys closer to his age or Tyler would indulge him in some private moment. The small seventh grader must have admired Tyler. Greg noticed he had a small ring in his ear just like Tyler's. Greg understood that. He had admired Hal and wanted to be like him. Seth had suddenly acquired a new coat exactly like Greg's and it warmed Greg for some reason.

By the beginning of April Seth's life was ... disintegrating. His mother's sudden interest in Mr. Cox kept him in a black mood. The new complication spoiled the continued pleasure of being with Greg. His teacher had intruded into the comfortable partnership his mother and he had established in the seclusion of the farm house. Seth was deeply suspicious of Mr. Cox at school. He dreaded each hint that the man was being nice to him in class. At times he wondered if he should like the man more. He was, after all, Greg's father. The situation was too difficult for him. His mother began lingering at school working in the staff room with Mr. Cox. Seth found himself wandering the streets in quiet desperation. He had nowhere to go. Everything revolved around the eleventh graders in Bonner: Tyler, Evan and now Greg. He wanted the year to end.

Seth thought about Greg a great deal. Without the older boy his solitude would have been unbearable. He had no one to confide in and he was feeling confused. At night, as he examined himself in the bathroom mirror, he liked to imagine that Greg was different. Seth knew he was too young for the cool city boy. Greg was funny about age. Seth did not understand why. Tyler had Deirdre and Evan had Justine; if Greg would let them Beth or Liz would have done anything for him. At the end of March on a Saturday Seth turned fourteen. His mother told him he could go out with his friends. She did not see how wide the gap between them was now. Seth wanted something more than the parties and the games around the school that neither the teachers nor the Coxes paid any attention to. Instead of spending his birthday with classmates he had sat in his dad's old car burning a tank of gasoline, listening to 8-tracks, anything to drive the misery away, and wishing -- oh so hard -- that he had found the guts to ask Greg to come out to the farm and be with him.

Schools are schools, Greg reflected as he slipped out of the classroom and headed to the dungeon next to the boiler room that served as the boy's washroom. Screaming boredom drove everyone out of the classroom for a leak whether they needed it or not. There was always heavy traffic in the morning. He had not thought about it that much until he walked in on Seth at lunch.

Seth was trying to punch his fist through the stall door. Greg asked him what was wrong. Seth was so upset he wouldn't talk to Greg. When Greg tried to put his arm around his shoulder he shrugged it off violently. "Take a walk with me Seth." Greg got him outside and they walked down the street toward the store. "What happened?" Seth didn't say anything. "You were pretty angry at the door."

"They are calling me a pussy because I don't go to the parties." Greg wondered if it was because his mother wouldn't let him go. "She said only once a month." Did he need a ride? "Evan and Tyler want me to come with them. But they think I should be fooling around." Would he come if Greg drove him? "Maybe; but you told me it was okay to fool around too."

Greg realized he had slipped back into being a big brother. A car pulled past and splashed slush at their feet. They shuffled over slightly and ended close to each other. Greg reminded himself that Seth was still young. He would have felt differently if this conversation had been with Susan, but Seth was a guy and his reluctance to get involved surprised him. Lunch was probably close to being over and they would need to turn around. Seth seemed to be settled so he stopped and paused before they started back. It was easy to treat the fourteen-year-old as a friend.

"But I also told you that it was okay not to do stuff if you were not ready." He put a hand on Seth's shoulder and Seth stepped back. He had forgotten Seth was shy about the touching. He put his hands in his pockets. It was too cold to be out without their jackets.

Seth was shivering. "It's hard to take the bullshit Greg. What do you say to them when they bug you?" He looked into Greg's eyes.

Greg looked away a little embarrassed to be into this with Seth.

"Well to tell you the truth Seth I guess I have been getting into it at the parties." Greg was embarrassed about the age of the girls; not doing it. He had been grabbing sex where he could for years. Still, there were no pictures of the girls being sent to St. George from Bonner as far as Greg was concerned.

"Brice and Nigel said you weren't. Who did you make out with?" Seth actually looked like Greg had betrayed him somehow. His eyes glistened slightly in the cold wind.

Greg admitted he had played around with Rebecca. It was harder to admit he had necked with Beth.

"Oh; I see what you mean." Seth sighed a little and he moved closer to Greg. "So they don't bug you about it?" Greg shook his head. The bell rang and they knew they would be late. They started walking back. "Your dad is coming out tonight."

"How do you feel about that?" Greg was still coming to terms with the growing relationship.

"Mom says she's lonely. She's happy I guess." Seth thought he might have insulted Greg. "Mr. Cox is okay."

Greg smiled to himself. "Yes, it is weird for me to. Do you think your mom would let you go out tonight?"

"Why?" Seth had been waiting for Greg to hang out with him again. His heart lightened and Tyler's seductive words in the bathroom faded.

"I know some guys in Aspen who might be free to jam with us tonight." Greg would have to phone and find out.

Seth leaped at the chance. He seemed happier when they reached the school. They paused in the entrance as the younger children bustled around them struggling with their wet boots.

Before they went their separate ways Greg risked a punch to Seth's shoulder. "If you are stuck in town some time you can come over to my place and hang out." Greg could see his words had made Seth happy.

Greg couldn't see why Seth was on the outside so much. He wasn't a geek. Greg noticed he landed in detention fairly often for cutting up in class. He studied Seth's figure as he moved slowly up the worn stairs. Greg thought Seth was handsome. He had the kind of looks people went for. Even now a pair of girls in Seth's class had jumped on him when he got to the stairway.

Greg sighed at the sight and thought about it as he settled down for his creative writing class. He was the lone student in Bonner. In the end his father hadn't been able to convince anyone to join. He saw Alex in the classroom and while they waited for the teacher to begin they set up a jam session for after school. His mind turned back to Seth. Seth even looked a year older than the other eight graders. He towered over them and his voice sounded lower. If anything, you would think he would be the one bugging the shrimps around him. He decided he couldn't keep ignoring him. Seth had been drawn into his orbit. Greg wondered if having a talk with Evan and Tyler would help. They seemed to have their thumb on most of the boys.

Greg mechanically started into the assignment. The teacher asked him to slide his work on the document viewer and he tried to listen to his suggestions. Seth stayed on his mind.

Seth looked over his things while Greg collected the electric guitars from the closet. "Do you miss your younger brother? I miss my dad."

Greg put the light amp down and came over to take the picture from Seth's hands.

"Hal was older than me. That's him and that's me." Greg hadn't really thought about it, but he was about Seth's age in the picture. His mom had grabbed a shot of one of the first times they had played together. It was really the only way he had been able to connect with his older brother back then. Standing next to Seth he understood Hal better now. He hadn't been feeling like he was on the same planet with the fourteen-year old. He stretched his memories back and connected a little with the boy he had been. He'd had more experience now. He realized Seth would be just as horny, just as worried about fitting in with his friends as Greg had been and still was. By extension he realized that his father probably had most of the same feelings. Shit, now, he had to think about that too. Greg realized that Seth had landed in his world some time ago and if he didn't need a guide, he at least needed Greg's sympathy and understanding.

"Wow, you look exactly like him." Seth studied the picture.

Greg looked at it a moment and put the picture down.

"I could point out the differences." But Seth and his father were right. He had grown very similar to his brother. He just hoped in a crunch he would be a better driver. They gathered the equipment and packed it into the Mustang.

Seth was still high on the way back. Greg realized he may have made a mistake letting the kid get stoned.

Seth and Mat had taken a while to warm up to each other. Greg thought it was the small town rivalry but it was really just two guys feeling shy. By the time the beer had taken effect the young boys were relaxed and into the music.

Greg sat near Alex while the drummer played a light accompaniment and his brother showed Seth what he knew. Seth was still the novice and mostly listened until Mat got tired of playing by himself. Greg suggested some cords Seth could play and the older boys listened to them play together. The boys stopped playing when Greg produced a joint. The four boys headed outside and huddled together in the cold as they passed it. Seth was last in line and tried to follow the lead of the other boys. The smoke was harsh, but he had smoked cigarettes with his friends so he was spared an embarrassing coughing fit. He'd heard them wisely predict that he wouldn't feel stoned the first time. They were wrong; it hit him like a hammer and he was enveloped by the soft glow. When they went back in Greg picked up his brother Hal's guitar and the music began in earnest. They stopped at nine when Alex's parents came down to suggest they had had enough.

Once they had packed everything in the car Greg had realized they had not eaten. The lights at the cafe were still on so Greg pulled over. The grandmother was not impressed with Greg but he charmed her into admitting there was some food still around. After he checked his wallet he had her bring whatever was there.

Sitting across from Greg on the worn out diner Seth felt overwhelmed. The dope gave the jam session a depth and significance out of proportion to the garage-band reality of their play. It had been way cooler than the drunk out at Evan's farm. An affectionate glow surrounded his memories of Mat and Alex. Seth looked across the wasteland of half eaten dishes and felt a strong connection to Greg. He thought about the contest at the school. It had taken until that moment in the street to understand that Greg didn't know what was going on. Understanding it left Seth uncertain about what to do. Their legs touched beneath the cracked table top and Seth chanced a slight pressure against Greg's calf. What would he think if he knew? "This is awesome." Greg stopped gnawing on a dried rib for a moment. "Do you do this a lot?" Will you take me again next time?

Greg wiped his hands off. "Not that much. They have other stuff going on."

Greg had friends in St. George he had jammed with before the accident. These sessions with Alex were just him resurfacing. The older boy looked back at the younger and smiled. Greg felt some of the connection Seth felt. He was conscious of Seth's leg pressing against his and pulled away. He had driven north prepared to keep it straight. It was pointless to complicate things when he was surrounded by strangers. Setting that side of himself aside had seemed easy enough at the start.

Greg cocked his head as he listened to Seth gush with enthusiasm about the evening. The kid was two or three years younger than him and Greg was feeling confused. It bothered him that Seth could sink deeper into him than the Bonner boy's his own age. Maybe it was just simpler dealing with Seth because there was only one of him. The Peterson's were like some comedy team. Greg had a mental image of them bumping shoulders as they tried to walk through a door together and then pausing to flap futiley at each other. Like they had to get somewhere before the other and neither would give way; they whip-sawed him in class or at the parties trying to hold his attention. Anyway, it was turning out to be hard work hanging out with them. It was all surface stuff with Tyler. Tyler skated over everything like he was afraid to say something to offend Greg. Evan on the other hand kept trying to send him a message he couldn't decode. It was like they both wanted him to do something but they wouldn't be direct about it. Greg studied Seth's lips as he gnawed on the last of the dry ribs and noticed renewed pressure against his leg. He pressed back slightly to see if Seth would move his leg.

"This is better than the parties." Seth added.

Greg realized what he was doing and shifted his gaze to Seth's red eyes. The guilt he always felt when he toked came back. Control is important. If your head is clear mistakes happened. Mistakes could not be undone. He had an impulse to throw the last of the canister away. Greg let his eyes slide away from Seth's face and he focused on the old woman pretending to doze at the counter.

"Yeh, but there are chicks at the parties dude."

For you maybe, Seth thought. The older boys had things pretty well locked up.

"You look so bummed out about it Seth."

"You know any fags?"

Greg treaded carefully into this territory conscious of his recent thoughts. He glanced again at the old woman across the room waiting for them to leave so she could clean up.

"That's harsh Seth. Yes, I knew a few gay guys in St. George. Do me a favour and don't call them fags." It came way too close to home and it was the first time he had felt a reason to be pissed off at Seth. Seth had stumbled across a way to hurt him. The contact was broken under the table.

"Sorry. It's just I wondered if you had a problem with them."

Greg looked at Seth and cooled down. See, there it is, Seth would ask him something like that when Tyler would be holding out a brace of beers for him to chug. He stared at Seth wondering what was behind the question. The comment was exactly why he did not want to complicate his forced stay in Bonner. He had been too friendly maybe; Seth was picking up on his unconscious signals or something. Well he didn't need Seth or the rest of the posse if they had a problem with him.

"My brother Hal was gay. I don't have a problem with it." He got up and put his coat back on and went out into the night. He regretted his words immediately. It wasn't Seth's business and he didn't need him passing the information around. For one thing he didn't think his dad knew. It soured the evening.

"Greg stop." he turned back to look at Seth. "Don't be angry. It's just ... things around here ... you don't get it ... it's really hard."

Greg did not know what Seth was trying to say.

"What is it Seth? Do you think you're gay?" Or do you think I'm gay? he asked silently. Greg thought about the attraction that seemed to have developed between them. The connection he couldn't seem to ignore. Was that what was bothering Seth? It would be an awkward thing between them.

"They will beat the shit out of me if I tell you."

That made no sense to Greg and he was getting tired of the conversation. He turned and headed for the car.

"Just get in the car. I'm cold and we should get on the road." Greg started the car and waited for the heat to warm him up. Things can go south so quickly, he thought. Well, except for me apparently. I'm still stuck here in the north. The pun gave him a moment's relief and then the irritation returned. It sucked. You can never be yourself. You always had to play the game; pick the popular brand label; pick the safe path. Seth didn't get in the car. Greg looked in the mirror and saw that he was leaning against the trunk of the car. Greg whispered "shit" and climbed back out of the car. He leaned against the trunk and listened to Seth sobbing.

"What do you care? You'll be out of here in three months. But I'm stuck here. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I'll be all alone with no friends. Aaron couldn't do it and now he won't even hang out with me. What am I supposed to do Greg? Play toys with the grade six's till they get snapped up?" Greg heard the bitterness and isolation in Seth's voice. He remembered the sense of bleakness he had felt on the road to Bonner that first day.

"What are you trying to tell me Seth?" he tried to be patient with the boy. He was tired and he was feeling the cold.

"It's a bet, Greg, don't you get it? You go to the parties. You must see it. It's Studs or Rings. If Tyler gets either one of us he wins the bet."

"What bet?" Greg didn't understand. Seth was trembling in the cold so Greg grabbed a handful of his coat and pulled him close before wrapped his arms around him. It felt right. "What is this bet about? Where do Evan and Tyler fit into this?"

It took Greg a long time to work the answers out of Seth. He held the shivering boy the whole time. At first it did not make much sense. A contest between the cousins, something about blow jobs; if Tyler or Evan could get a boy in the school to give them a blow job they won a point. There was money riding on the bet now. "Jesus! What do the girls think about this?"