Chapter 33: Trying

Kayla knew something was up.

I never said anything to her. Hell, I could easily convince myself it wasn't her in that car in the parking lot. I had no direct evidence, after all. Everything was, in the parlance of the lawyer shows on television, circumstantial.

Even so, I couldn't help but be depressed.

Maybe she doesn't love me anymore. Perhaps I should take Eric's advice, just let it go. Go back to Florida, forget about Kayla, have fun with Alex. Have fun with Erin.

But there really wasn't a future in my relationship with either Alex or Erin. Shit, they would be the first to leap up and declare it along with me.

But is there a future anymore here at home?

I just didn't know.

I was depressed, but I tried not to let it show. I put on a smile for my campers and my instructors, but there were some changes in my routine. I stopped going in to see Kayla so often. I stopped just showing up over at their house on the pretense of looking for Jake.

Kayla knew something was up.

She noticed my absence right away. She gave it a couple of weeks, just to make sure. When I didn't call her, when I didn't ask her when we could go out next, she took matters into her own hands.

As usual, I was scheduled to go out of town Thursday and Friday to visit my camps. We only had two weeks left and I had two coaches' clinics after that. My focus was on the presentations I would make at the last day of camp. I wanted to sit down with each of my instructors individually to get their assessment of each camper. I would meld their opinions with my own observations, and that would help me to make constructive comments about each camper for the parents. After all, I knew the parents were going to be astonished at the progress their child would show them when they began their competitive play in the fall, and I wanted the parents to know how hard their kids worked to improve at something they loved to do.

That particular week, I hadn't seen Kayla at all. My heart ached at the loss, but I was trying to adjust to the possibility of life without Luscious. Instead, I had called Molly O'Toole and cried on her shoulder. Molly was having separation issues of her own. Since her boyfriend had stayed in California for the summer, we were able to provide sympathy to each other. In fact, we got rip-roaring drunk one night on a bottle of ouzo she and Tessa had snuck out of Tessa's house. It was vile stuff, but after the first few glasses it went down easier. The next morning, I felt like some licorice demon had spent the night in my mouth. It took me most of a sweaty day on my own, just me and my soccer ball, to finally get that shit out of my system.

Late Wednesday afternoon, I was packing my bag for my trip. The telephone rang and Stephen answered it.

"Yeah?" Pause, and then: "Yeah, he's here." Another pause. "Yeah. Do something, will ya?"

I deduced either the call was for me or it was about me. I tapped him on the shoulder. "Who is it?"

He handed the receiver to me without a word. I took it from him. "Hello."

There was a slight pause, and then Kayla said, "So, Purple Rain is playing in town on Saturday. Do you want to go see it?"

Oh, God, did I ever want to go see it with her. I would go and watch hours of a blank screen with her. The Bad Sean was the one who replied, though. "I'm busy Saturday." There, whispered the Bad Sean triumphantly. A little taste of your own medicine.

I heard her voice hitch. "Okay, maybe I deserved that," she said quietly. "You don't want to go out with me, but we need to talk, Sean."

The Reasonable Sean took over just in time. "Oh, God, I'm sorry, Kayla. You're right. No, I mean you're wrong. I do want to go out with you. But we have to clear the air. Things are just way too messed up right now between us."

"Can we meet sometime on Saturday, then?"

"Sure," I said. "I'll call you Saturday morning. We'll figure something out."

"Are you going to Jesse's tomorrow?"

It seemed like she didn't want to hang up just yet. I liked that. "Yes," I replied. "Just like usual. I'm spending the night at his place, and then going to Indiana on Friday."

"Are you coming home Friday night, then?"

"Yeah. It'll be late, though. I usually sleep in on Saturday. Can I call you around noon?"

"That'll be perfect. I'll be able to sleep in, too. I switched with Louisa at work. She's working Saturday for me, and I'm working Friday for her."

"Okay, then. I'll call you when I get up Saturday."

"See you then," she said. She sounded almost happy by the time we hung up. How about that.

I had done a little homework on Thomas Jorgenson. Jake didn't want to say too much about him, though I got the impression he didn't like him very much. He seemed to be torn between being loyal to his little sister and being overprotective. He opted for neutrality and didn't give me what I was looking for. I had other sources, though. I called Tiny Harrison and asked him what he knew about the guy.

"Why you want to know?" Tiny's voice didn't fit his body. It wasn't deep like you'd expect from somebody his size, but rather soft and a little high. I was willing to bet it deepened into a growl when he was lined up across from some defensive linebacker from Michigan, though.

"He's dating ... somebody I know," I said. I didn't really want to air my dirty laundry. I thought a little white lie would be acceptable.

He knew, of course. "Sure," he said skeptically. "Somebody you know. Shit, dude, even I heard about it. Son of a bitch is going around the locker room bragging about his conquest."

That stabbed me. His conquest? I was beginning to think of this guy as a dirtbag on a level with my old roommate Westy. Kayla falling for somebody like that? It just didn't make any sense at all to me.

"Tell me about him," I said roughly.

"Ah, he's just a kid running at the mouth, Sean. Actually, I thought he was a pretty good guy when I knew him last year. He got moved from defensive end to wide receiver this year, but they ain't got an arm on their quarterback, so he's spending a lot of time running up and down the field for no damn reason. Does a little blocking, but doesn't like it. A bit of a wuss. Hits pretty hard, but doesn't like to be hit himself. Tends to back away. Smart kid, straight A's I think, and from the right side of the tracks. Old man's a big shot lawyer or something, so Tommy's always got some cash to spend. Maybe that's why Kayla's hanging around him."

"Not likely," I grumbled. I could be wrong, though, I said to myself. The list of things I don't know grows longer every day.

"Stranger things have happened," said Tiny.

"I'll say," I agreed. "Thanks, man. I owe you."

"No problem, my friend. You going after him?"

"Nah. I'm going after her. I just want to know what I'm up against."

"If Kayla's got the goods I think she's got, she'll get bored with pretty boy before long."

"I don't want to test it that far," I said. "I'll either get her loose from him before that happens, or I will have lost in the effort."

"You need a hand, you know where to find me," he said.

"I appreciate it, Tiny. Catch you later."

"Later, Sean."

The guy sounded a little shallow to me. So why was Kayla going out with him? Just because he was handsome, athletic, smart, and rich?

I gulped. When I thought of it that way, why wouldn't she go out with him? Especially when compared with flawed, skinny, not-too- bright and none-too-wealthy Sean Porter?

I had my work cut out for me.

I got back in town late again on Friday. Jake and I were making a habit of meeting at Mike's, and I pulled into the parking lot at my usual time. I was anxious to get out from behind the steering wheel. I was feeling like I was spending half my life on the road, and I was getting tired of it. Only a couple more weeks to go, I reminded myself as I unfolded myself from the car and stood on my toes to stretch out. I glanced around, half expecting to see the yellow Mustang in the corner, but it wasn't there.

Maybe T.J. and Kayla found a new lover's lane, I thought sourly.

I walked into the restaurant. Jake was there, along with Eric and Keisha. They had been there for a little while, it seemed, as there was one empty pitcher of Coke to the side and another icy one in the middle of the table.

"Hey, guys, what's up?" I said as I slid into the chair across from Jake.

"Just chillin'," said Eric. "How were the camps?"

"Good," I said. "Kids are progressing. Not as fast as the ones here, but they're a lot better than when they started."

"Yeah, well, you've got the best instructors in the world right here," said Keisha, her eyes on her boyfriend affectionately.

"Don't I know it," I said. "There are a couple in Merrillville who would be better off as participants instead of instructors. I'm going to have to find replacements for them for next summer."

"You're already thinking about next year?" Jake sounded a little surprised. It wasn't typical behavior for kids our age, and especially for me. I thought about it for a moment, and was startled to realize I had actually become a businessman. I have to switch majors, I said to myself.

"Yeah," I said, a little chagrined. "I guess I am."

"And so Sean Porter Enterprises expands once again," said Eric with a chuckle. "Dude, you going to be a millionaire by the time you're thirty."

"It's not that lucrative a business," I said. 'I'm just having fun teaching what I know best."

"Isn't that the definition of being successful in business?" asked Keisha. She had a knowing look on her face. "Having fun and doing what you know best?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right," I said.

"You know what the definition of a successful farmer is, don't you?" asked Jake, an entirely too-innocent look on his face.

"No, what?" asked Eric.

"A man out standing in his field," Jake replied.

There were groans all around.

We ordered our pizzas and settled in. I was gratified to have my friends with me after my long road trip, but I was beginning to feel anxious about my meeting with Kayla the next day.

As offhandedly as I could, during a break in the conversation I asked Jake, "Is Kayla out with T.J. tonight?"

He gave me a look I couldn't interpret. "No, dude. She and Jaimie are watching Kyle so Stephen and Tara could have some ... alone time."

I almost spit out my mouthful of Coke. "Is that what they're calling it now? Alone time? And what the hell do they think they're doing? Didn't they learn anything?"

"Take it easy, buddy, it's all okay," soothed Jake. "Don't get your panties in a knot. Tara's been on the pill for over a year, and she and your brother practically consider themselves married, anyway. It's not a big deal."

"They're fifteen and sixteen," I grouched. "It is a big deal."

"Well, let it be a big deal to them, Sean. It shouldn't be a big deal to you."

"Well ... maybe not," I conceded. "But it still doesn't feel quite right."

"Come on, Porter," said Eric. "You remember fifteen, don't you? Tell me you wasn't chasin' it down whenever you could."

"Shit, I was just fooling around in a basement when I was fifteen," I said. "I didn't know what the hell I was doing."

"Seems to me it was my basement, too," rumbled Jake.

I glanced over to see if he was mad or not, but he was smiling. "Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" I admitted. "I seem to recall another couple down there, too."

Jake picked up the pitcher. "How about some more soda, Sean?" he asked with far too much enthusiasm. Go ahead, change the subject, I thought to myself. You know secrets about me, but I know just as many about you, pal of mine.

I called Kayla's house the next morning. It was a beautiful, sunny day, much too nice to be spent in recriminations and accusations. I wanted to be in a good mood, and I wanted to exude confidence. The sunshine helped, but I was still uneasy about pulling it all off.

Kayla sounded like she had been up for hours. She had already made sandwiches and packed a picnic lunch for us.

"How about if we go to the park and have lunch?" she suggested.

"Your wish is my command, m'lady," I said. "What time?"

"About an hour?"

"Okay, I'll pick you up in an hour."

I showered and shaved, and did what I could to bring some order to my rather unruly head of hair. Face it, Porter, I said to my reflection. You will never be the face man you would like to be. I tried not to obsess, since Kayla knew me about as well as anybody, both my strengths and my weaknesses. The time for trying to impress her with my good looks was long past.

I shoveled out the garbage from the inside of my car. Two days on the road, eating fast food and living pretty much out of my car, left a lot of detritus. I didn't have time to wash and wax the car, but I wiped down the interior, giving it a quick cleaning.

Right on time I pulled into Kayla's driveway. She was sitting on the front steps waiting for me, a vision of loveliness in shorts and one of Jake's old football practice jerseys. It was huge on her, tending to fall off her shoulder. If she was trying for irresistibly alluring, she achieved it. I needed to make this whole thing right if I possibly could.

I jumped out of the car and ran up the sidewalk to take the basket on the stoop. Kayla reached for it at the same time, and we carried it together to the car. I put it in the back seat while Kayla got into the front. I hopped back in, fired it up, and drove to the park.

We found an empty picnic table on the grass near the beach. It was on uneven ground, so I moved it a little so it didn't wobble quite so much. Kayla took a tablecloth out of the basket and spread it out onto the tabletop, and then she began setting out paper plates, cups, a thermos of lemonade, a bag of chips, and the carefully wrapped sandwiches. We sat across from each other, and I was able to watch her as she pulled stuff out and handed it to me. I thought I might be too nervous to eat, but just the routine of getting everything set out on the table seemed to calm me down.

Kay, on the other hand, didn't look nervous at all. How could that be? This was to be The Conversation. How could she not be anxious? Unless she already knew the outcome. That thought frightened me a little, but I did my best to keep the feeling of panic quelled. I concentrated on the little stuff, such as opening the bag of chips, pouring drinks for us both, and folding her paper napkin and setting it beside her plate.

She opened the cellophane of her sandwich and put a handful of chips on her plate. I opened mine and looked at it. Roast beef with mayo, one of my favorites. I took a bite, and discovered I was really hungry. My anxiety slipped away as I relaxed, and Kayla and I had a good time as we sat in the sunshine, eating the repast she had prepared for us.

We cleaned up after our meal, packing everything except the lemonade away. We left the basket sitting on the picnic table and grabbed a blanket. We spread it out on the edge of the sand, and we sat down next to each other, looking out at the water.

Kayla slipped her sunglasses on. The jersey she was wearing slipped off her shoulder, and the sight of her skin was enticingly off- limits. I concentrated hard on looking at her face.

"Where would you like to start?" she asked quietly. She looked straight ahead, instead of at me.

Here we go, I said to myself. I sent up a small prayer. "How about with an apology?" I replied. I twisted around to face her more fully. "Kayla..."

"You've already apologized, Sean. We don't need to recite old news. What I mean is, how do you want to start? As in how do we go from here?"

"Where do you want us to go from here, Kay?"

She turned to me. I could see the seriousness in her face, even with her oversized sunglasses hiding her eyes. "You're one of my very best friends, Sean. You have been for almost as long as I can remember. I don't want to lose that."

I sighed. Time to play the cards you're dealt. "I don't want to just be your friend, Kay. I don't think I could just be your friend."

She gave me a small, sad smile. "All or nothing? Is that what you're saying?"

"No," I replied hastily. I had the uncomfortable feeling I knew what her answer would be if I had been rash enough to propose an ultimatum like that. "That's not what I mean at all. I'm just stating a fact, Kay. I don't want to be just your friend. We've gone beyond that already. I want to say ... I want to be..."

I want to be perfect for you, I want to be the one you think about every night and every morning. I want you to be obsessed with me, just as I want to be obsessed with you. Tell me you love me, tell me you will always be mine.

Those were not the words that were coming out of my mouth, though. All the wrong words seemed to be spewing forth, disjointed and nearly incoherent, and yet I couldn't stop. I stumbled, halted, started again, all the while vainly hoping I was making at least a little sense to Kayla. She, in turn, was content to let me run on, trying without success to explain what was in my heart. To her credit, she didn't try to finish my sentences for me, nor did she attempt to polish my halting delivery. She sat beside me and listened to my ramblings, without judgment.

Finally, I began to run out of words to say to her. I could feel myself wanting to babble on and on in an effort to make her understand what I was feeling, but I had the uncomfortable sense that it was all falling apart on me. I took a deep breath as I tried to slow down my racing heart.

"Here's the thing," I tried again. "I fucked up, royally fucked up. I know it, and I have apologized for it. I'll apologize again and again if I need to, because I was an idiot, and I freely admit it. I'm trying really hard, Kay, not to be so damned stupid, but it's hard for me."

That brought another smile, this time one tinged with amusement. A good sign? I hoped it was.

"I know I blew it with you, and I know you have other ... priorities ... than me. I just don't want to be shut out, that's all. Give me a chance to earn your trust back. That's all I want."

"Other ... priorities." She rolled the word around in her mouth, tasting it and evaluating it. "Do you remember what you told me last year, Sean? About how you wanted me to go out and have fun while I was finishing high school?"

"Yes," I answered. "I remember. You said you couldn't."

"At the time I couldn't," she said. "But after ... after I got back ... from seeing you, I realized we both needed ... some time ... away from each other. To grow up a little."

"I still need to grow up a little."

"See? That's just my point, Sean. I do, too. I'm seventeen, and I'm still in high school."