Chapter 11

"Are you sure you don't need anything else, Amberle?" Suzie asked.

I shook my head. "No, you guys have been wonderful."

The week after McKayla died was one big blank spot in my life with only a couple of memories in between. Maureen said I handled everything well. In truth, there wasn't much I had to do.

Before she died, my wife had pretty much planned out her memorial service and had made all the arrangements. I think she knew there were so many things that were out of her hands, she wanted to take control of the things she could.

All of our family came in. Most had been in before McKayla died, but everyone came for the funeral. She wanted to be cremated and we did so before the service. She said she didn't want people to see her body as it was after the cancer was through with her.

The church was packed with the people who loved her: family and friends. They brought with them pictures and stories and memories and left them for me and Maureen.

I was grateful for the way the parish reached out to me. Over the years, I found out that even though the official stance of the Roman Catholic Church opposed homosexuality, the congregation we were in did not. They included us as they did anyone else, and the way they supported McKayla and I was not lost on us.

The one thing I remember about the service was that people laughed a lot. Don told a handful of funny stories about McKayla from her childhood. Father Stimson shared some of the things McKayla had told him about her and people in the audience and the service truly was about celebrating her life, not mourning her death.

Maureen spoke, too. I couldn't believe that for someone who was just shy of thirteen, she could be so wise. And I could see so much of her mother in her. I was so proud of my little girl. She was so strong, so eloquent. I knew that even though McKayla was gone, her spirit lived on in our daughter, whom she had raised to be her own.

Ander and Brin stayed for a couple of days.

Don and Suzie for a bit longer. The three of us sat at the kitchen table. Maureen had just left for school.

The worst part for me was coming up. The past week had been filled with friends and family. There were things for me to do, places to go, stuff to take care of. Now it would just be me and my daughter, alone for the first time.

Her parents had brought some of McKayla's things with them. Things they said we should have. Pictures, old dolls, that sort of stuff.

"I don't think you really know how much you meant to McKayla," Suzie said.

All I could do was force a smile. People had been saying stuff like that to me for a week.

"No, really, Amberle, you saved her life," she said.

"I wish I could have," I replied blankly. "I wish all this had happened to me, not her. I wish there had been some miracle for her, don't you?"

Suzie squeezed my hand sympathetically. "There was a miracle."

I looked up at her blankly.

"Did you know that when she was in college, McKayla tried to kill herself once?"

Blinking in surprise, I shook my head.

"She had just 'come out' and I think she was feeling lonely and depressed. Somehow she got some pills and took a handful. Her RA found her; they pumped her stomach and saved her," Suzie looked over at Don, who had a dark look on his face. "McKayla was miserable for so long. She was looking for acceptance, for love. I think that's why she had so many one-night stands ... Yes, we knew ... She wanted someone to love her and maybe confused that with sex."