Chapter 36: Sunday Afternoon

The trip back from the police station flew by as Liz and I sat in the back seat and exchanged stories of our interviews.

There was a strange car sitting outside our house when we pulled into our drive. Inside the living room, the first thing I saw was Mum on the couch under the painting of Dan and Dad with Tara sitting uncomfortably next to her. I scanned around the room and on the other couch I saw Tara’s friend, Tracey, sitting just as uncomfortably next to an older woman whom I assumed was her mother. Dan was sitting in one of the armchairs, with Angie on his lap. Angie still had her flippers on, but the goggles were now pushed up onto her forehead.

Everyone looked at me as I stepped into the room. Tracey and her mother stood up and Tracey introduced me and Liz to her mother, then I introduced my Dad who had come into the room behind us. Everyone did the whole shaking hands thing, then Tracey and her mother sat down again. I scuttled across to my spot under Mum’s painting, dragging Liz with me. That had the triple advantage of being in my favorite place and having my friend with me and not being too close to Dan. Dad sat down in his armchair and we all kind of looked at Tracey and her mother, waiting to see what was going on.

Tracey looked different. It took me a moment to figure it out but then I realized that the makeup she usually wore was completely missing. She had a couple of spots on her chin that were normally invisible, but apart from that her face was nice enough. I decided I’d been right when I thought she didn’t need to wear all that stuff on her face. Also both Tracey and her mum were wearing what I can only describe as church clothes. Tracey was wearing a white long-sleeved blouse with a high collar, a pale gray skirt with little white flecks that fell to below her knees, leather shoes and a small white purse on a long leather strap over one shoulder – very churchy.

Tracey’s mother looked at Dad then across at me. “I’m sorry that we’ve intruded on your preparations for a family visit. This shouldn’t take long. Tracey needs to say something. She’s grounded right now, so the only way this could happen was if I brought her here and we did it properly.”

Everyone’s attention turned to Tracey and she looked even more uncomfortable. She was sitting on the front edge of the sofa and looked as if she weren’t sure if she should stand up or not. In the end, she stayed where she was.

“I wanted to thank Dan and Bec for taking me home from the party on Friday night. I shouldn’t have been there and I was very ... um ... relieved when you offered to take me home, so thank you.”

Tracey’s voice wasn’t quiet, but it was kind of subdued.

“And as for you, Bec, I know I’ve been kind of ... I know I haven’t been as nice to you as I should have and I’m sorry about that because you hadn’t given me any reason to treat you like that and then you did that for me at the party and I didn’t deserve for you to help me like that after the way I treated you and I’m really sorry about all that and I promise I’ll be ... I promise I’ll try to be nicer to you so that maybe I can make it up to you for the way I was to you before and then maybe you’ll forgive me for...”

It had all come out in a rush but she trailed off at the end as she realized she was repeating herself. She’d obviously had to edit herself as she was going. I understood that. There was stuff you couldn’t say in front of the adults – especially in a situation like this.

I realized the room had gone quiet and I figured out that everyone was waiting for me to say something. I mumbled out a thankyou and then Tracey’s mother started lecturing her about making poor choices and going down the wrong path and making something of herself and so on.

I wanted to ask Tracey something but there was no way I could do it in front of everyone in the room. I waited until Tracey’s mum finished her speech and then I politely asked if I could speak to Tracey outside for a moment. The adults all seemed surprised by that and looked at each other as if they were waiting for someone else to make the decision. Finally I saw a little nod from Tracey’s mum and Dad nodded at me so I left Liz behind and walked out the front door with Tracey.

It was a bit cold outside, but not horrible, so I figured out here was our best chance for privacy. I knew what I wanted to say but I didn’t know how to start so I gestured to Tracey and we sat on the outdoor bench Dad had set up ages ago. That gave me a moment to think things through in my head.

“Your mum doesn’t seem to realize that this is all about Laura,” I said.

She looked at me for a moment and then she looked away. “I don’t know what you mean.”

I kind of snorted. “Whose idea was it to go to the party? Whose idea was it to wear those stupid ‘Look at me, I’m a slut’ outfits? Who was it who gave you those outfits to wear in the first place? Whose idea was it to get up and dance in front of those guys like you were the meat at some sort of cattle auction? Do I need to go on?”

I was only halfway down my list of questions, but I’d figured I could stop because she’d started flinching.

She sighed. “No, you can stop.”

“You guys are so used to doing what Laura tells you to do that I bet it didn’t even occur to you to say no to her. Except for what’s-her-name – the other one – at least she had the brains to think up a sensible excuse.”

“Bri had to babysit.”

“Of course she did.” I let the sarcasm in my voice pile up so high that she couldn’t help but notice it.

“Bri babysits all the time. She’s good at it.” Tracey was sounding defensive.

“Well maybe you and Tara should start babysitting more often too. You all have to stand up to Laura more. You have to not always do what she says. You should look after each other better.”

“I guess.”

“Anyway, that’s kind of why I wanted to talk to you. I have a favor to ask,” I said.

“What?”

“Our mum kind of freaked when she saw what Tara was wearing. She’s pretty much taken over deciding what Tara is going to wear anytime she’s in public.”

“That’s harsh!”

I shrugged. “Maybe! But that means she’ll probably turn up to school tomorrow wearing something a bit, I don’t know, conservative or whatever. I don’t mean conservative like...”

I gestured at Tracey’s outfit and she wriggled and straightened her skirt.

“We came here straight from church. I don’t normally...”

“I figured something like that. But anyway, tomorrow Tara won’t be wearing her normal sort of outfit. But it won’t have been her choice. Can you, like, stand up for her or something? At the very least, don’t join in on giving her crap about her clothes – especially don’t help Laura do that.”

I paused and peered at Tracey through narrow eyes. “I guess I’m asking you to be a real friend for Tara tomorrow.”

I knew I was asking a lot. I mean they were friends, but I don’t think they were real friends – not like Liz and I are real friends.

Tracey didn’t get a chance to answer because at that moment my mum and her mum and my dad came piling out of the front door. Apparently they’d decided that we’d had enough time to talk and it was time for Tracey to go home. Tara and Liz had trailed after them and were standing together in the doorway, looking out at us.

Tracey pulled me into a hug, which I wasn’t expecting. She whispered into my ear, “I really am sorry. Tell Tara I’m sorry too. Tell her I’ll talk to her tomorrow at school.”

After they had driven off, I grabbed Tara and Liz and kept them outside while The Parents went back in.

During the entire time I’d been in the house with Tracey, Tara hadn’t opened her mouth once. They’d hardly looked at each other. I was pretty sure that things would have been the same before I arrived. I wasn’t sure if Tara had been told not to speak or had just felt so awkward that she didn’t say anything.

I lined Tara up and looked her straight in the eye.

“Tracey says hi and she says sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

I shrugged. “Sorry for whatever. Sorry for everything. She didn’t say. Now listen. Tomorrow at school, if Tracey tries to be nice to you, don’t be stupid about it – be nice back to her. If she stands up to Laura, do anything you can to support her. Can you do that?”

Tara looked doubtful, but then she shrugged. “I guess.”

“If Laura’s being a bitch tomorrow, then you have to stand up to her and tell her to go shove it. Can you do that? Hopefully Tracey will back you up.”

Now Tara started to look really worried.

I was staring right into her eyes. “Tara, this is serious. Tomorrow at school, if Laura is being a bitch, you have to tell her to go jump in the lake and then walk away from her. Do you get that?

Tara had a weird expression on her face. She hesitated and then nodded.

“Tara, now say, ‘Yes, Bec, I will do what you say!’”

It was like a game we played – Tara, Dan and me. We’d tell each other what to say and they’d say it – mostly – if they were willing to play the game – if they were willing to do what you wanted them to do. I held my breath.

“Yes, Bec, I will do what you say.”

I quietly let out my breath.

Then she was hugging me. I think she was shaking a bit. It shouldn’t be so hard for her. It shouldn’t be so scary for her. It should be obvious what she had to do, and she should just do it. But my sister isn’t like that.

I pushed Tara back as gently as I could, but firmly. “One last thing, if it all ends up in a mess tomorrow. At lunchtime, come and sit with us. I know you normally don’t want to, but if it comes down to a choice of that or sitting on your own, please come and sit with us.”

Liz made agreeing sorts of comments, but Tara looked doubtful again. “Why?”

“Because it sucks sitting on your own at lunch,” said Liz. “It sucks big time. Take it from us, we both know all about that. We’re the expert solo lunch-sitters. So if your friends kick you out, come and sit with us. Then it won’t suck so bad.”

I knew there was a reason why I loved Liz so much. All three of us had a little group hug together and then we went inside.

Preparations for the family invasion were in full swing. I ended up with Mum in the kitchen, chopping vegetables. Mum had a stone face on. It wasn’t her “I’m angry” half-smile stone face. It was a blank, unreadable, unknowable stone face. In fact the whole of Mum was just like a mum-shaped black-hole in the kitchen which sucked in all the light and no sign of any emotion came out. I didn’t have a lot to say so I stayed quiet. Mum was quiet too. It was a very quiet kitchen, there was only the sound of chopping vegetables. I wondered if maybe Mum was angry about breakfast.

We got to the point where we were done – well, done for the moment anyway. Things were in the oven roasting, things were in pots bubbling, the timer was ticking, nothing to do for a little while except clean up the mess we’d made and make space for more mess later.

Mum looked around and I guess she was checking off in her head the things that needed to be done. She gave this little half-nod and said, “Good. I’ll clean up in here. You find Liz and meet me in Tara’s room.”

“Tara’s room?”

“You heard me, go.”

I went.

Tara’s bed had been made and her room was all tidy – ready for inspection. Liz and I sat on the bed carefully, trying not to muss it up too much. It felt weird to be sitting in Tara’s room like that without Tara actually being there.

Liz was bursting with news.

“I did it! I dressed Angie. Both Tara and Dan said I should try it again. They said she had to wear a nice dress for the party so I took her back into her room and helped her change.”

“That’s awesome. So what’s she wearing now?”

“She’s wearing that long blue-green satiny princess dress with the silver trim and a little plastic coronet that I found in her dresser.”

It sounded like the cheap dress-up Cinderella dress that Angie liked so much. I figured it was good enough for a party. “That sounds brilliant. What has she got on her feet?”

Liz’s face dropped. “Nothing! Is that okay? She said she didn’t have to wear anything on her feet with that dress.”

“There’s a pair of little silver slippers that go with the princess dress but Angie doesn’t like them so she always kicks them off as soon as she can. She’s fine in bare feet as long as she stays inside. So welcome to big sisterhood. For your next initiation test, you have to take her shopping.”

Liz’s face went through half a dozen emotions. I think she figured out I was joking, but I think she was also running through in her head what it would be like to steer Angie around on a shopping trip.

Mum came striding into the room and closed the door. She had a long dress on a hanger. She pulled the dresser chair over to us and sat on it, draping the dress over her lap.

I was confused. She had come in looking like her usual strong and determined self, but now the confidence was visibly draining away and she was looking maybe a little bit lost. Then she straightened up in the chair and suddenly I had that black-hole mum back in the room with me again. It was so frustrating when I couldn’t tell what she was thinking at all.

“Are those your clothes Tara is wearing this morning? Did you choose them for her?”

I nodded.

“She looks nice, and they follow my rules, so that’s good.”

I felt a bit relieved because Mum had never actually spelled out what her rules were for Tara’s clothing and I’d only been guessing.

“I was going to send her to school tomorrow in the same outfit she wore for dinner yesterday but now I’m not sure.”

Mum bit her bottom lip and now I had lost-mum back. “I want to control what she wears but I don’t want her to be humiliated and bullied because I sent her to school in something ugly.”

Mum was looking away from us, staring off into space. “I never got to go to a proper school when I was your age, but everyone says how cruel teenage girls can be about clothing.”

Liz started to ask why Mum didn’t go to school but I elbowed her and stopped her from saying it. That was when Mum had been put in the asylum by her father.

“I want your help.” Mum’s voice was subdued and strange. “I want you to tell me ... I want you to tell me what I should make Tara wear.”

Mum was looking at both of us ... and waiting.

I blinked at Mum and then I blinked again.

Liz squeezed my hand and then she started talking confidently. Clothes are something Liz is good at.

“The pants were fine. The top, the University of Life one, it was too wide for its length, to suit Tara. Or it wasn’t long enough for its width, if you want to think about it that way. Is it in here?”

I jumped up and took it out of the closet. Liz’s eyes went wide at the sight of the empty closet. I don’t think it fitted into her idea of how the world worked to see a teenage girl’s closet so completely empty.

Liz checked with me that I was the same size as Tara and I agreed, so she made me hold the top up against my chest.

“See, if you turn it inside out and sew up along a line about an inch in from the seams on both sides, it will look like this and that will suit Tara pretty well but still have that loose look. I do this to my t-shirts all the time. It’s really easy.”

Mum looked convinced, so I sat back down next to Liz and folded the top back up.

“Now, for the party, I picked up this dress at the same thrift shop where I got that outfit.”

Mum held the dress up. It was velvet, in a deep forest-green color with a high round neck and ties at the back so the waist and chest could be pulled in to give it extra shape. It was really quite beautiful. I wondered why something so nice would be at a thrift shop.

Liz pulled me to my feet and held the dress up against me. The velvet felt divine where it brushed against my skin. The dress fell in straight, smooth lines to the bottom of my calves and the short sleeves puffed a little before being gathered in the middle of my upper arm.

Liz nodded. “It’s maybe a little bit dark for her but not by much. She would need to put her hair up to make it work or have it out and hanging completely loose – and black shoes if she doesn’t have any green ones to match – and then maybe a necklace or a pendant or something to brighten it a bit.”

“So is it okay?” asked Mum anxiously. I still couldn’t get used to this insecure mum.

“Sure,” said Liz.

“It’s fine,” I added.

“Well, good! You can tell her she can wear it when she comes to talk to you. Wait here.” Mum stood and left.

Liz and I sat together on Tara’s bed and looked at each other. I know I was feeling a bit confused about stuff and I think she was as well. It was a bit daunting for Mum to be asking us about Tara’s clothing like that. And also, I couldn’t understand Mum’s strange mood and I was not sure what was going on with that.

Tara came into the room and closed the door. She said hi to us, then went to her bedside table and pulled a small paper bag out of it before joining us on the bed. She sat cross-legged in front of us with a serious expression on her face.

“Mum and Dad wanted me to talk about some stuff. I got this talk when I was thirteen so now it’s your turn. They set this up yesterday and Mum ran through with me what I’m supposed to say while you guys were at the movie. Liz, your dad knows all about what’s going on and he’s happy for you to be a part of this. I think Mum wanted me to do it because she thought you might be less embarrassed if it was me and not her. I think she meant to sit in the background and read a book or something while this was happening, but Mum told me to go ahead and do this without her so here we are.”

Liz and I exchanged looks – neither of us had a clue what Tara was talking about.

Tara took a deep breath and then reached into the paper bag. She pulled out three small squares of decorated plastic and dropped them on the bed between us.

“These,” said Tara, “are condoms. You can buy boxes of them at drugstores, supermarkets, gas stations wherever ... if all else fails, Dan keeps a supply in his bedside table.”

Tara showed us how to open up the packet and how to roll them onto a penis – she had a fake rubber penis in her bag for us to practise on. She talked about how they didn’t just prevent pregnancy but also helped protect against diseases – nasty diseases – and things like cervical cancer (which led to her talking about getting pap smears – yech!). She talked about how condoms didn’t always work because they might break or they might not get put on properly or they might not get taken out properly afterwards or they might be too old and so on. She said that most of all they didn’t work if you forgot to put them on in the first place. She talked about how people went on as if it was the guy’s responsibility to supply the condoms but since it was us who ended up pregnant we were more motivated to make sure they happened and happened properly. “In other words,” she said, “bring your own condoms.”

In one sense it was hard not to laugh because Tara was sounding like such an expert and I knew exactly how much experience Tara had which was only a bit more than me. Okay, so she had sex that one time and they did use condoms so she did have practical experience, but seriously – one time does not make someone an expert. I suspected Tara was sounding like an expert because Mum had gone through it all with her pretty carefully yesterday.

In another sense, it was really good because most of the time it was like three girls chatting about stuff. Except that I could be pretty sure that Tara was getting her facts right – which isn’t always true when three girls get together and chat. It was also good because we didn’t need to be careful about what words we used which was handy because you can’t really talk about that subject without using certain words.

Tara and Mum and I had always been pretty open with each other about sex sort of stuff, but I think Liz got a bit embarrassed when she was handling the fake penis in front of us. I wasn’t so much embarrassed as curious but it was still a bit weird for me to hold that thing in my hand. We all had a few giggles but then we got over that pretty quickly.

At the end, Tara kind of hesitated and looked around her room.

“I think at this point, Mum was going to butt in and give some speech about how just because we’re talking about contraception, doesn’t mean we should be going out and having sex. Abstinence, which means not doing it at all, is still the best way of not getting pregnant. But sometimes things happen, like ... well, you know.” She blushed and looked away for a moment.

Then she shook her head and got on with it. “Mum and Dad said that some schools and some families only ever talk about abstinence and never explain all this other stuff. They said that those kids are just as likely to end up having sex as anyone else but because they’re ignorant, they’re so much more likely to end up pregnant.” She shrugged. “It’s pretty stupid.”

“Oh, and Liz – your dad said you weren’t to even think about having sex until you’re thirty, but you should put condoms on the next shopping list.” Liz’s eyes went wide at that, but then she nodded.

That was it, really. Tara asked if we had any questions but we didn’t so that’s where that little talk came to an end. We showed Tara the dress she had to wear and she didn’t complain even a little bit. She did say “it could’ve been worse” which was as close to being approval as we were likely to get. We helped her into the dress and tightened the ties around her waist a bit. I thought it looked really good on her, but she wasn’t ready to believe me. The velvet felt really nice to run my hand along. Tara went off to The Parents’ room to find a pair of shoes because all her shoes were in a box inside their closet.

Liz and I went back to my room to put our party dresses on.

“So what did you think about all that?” I asked Liz, wondering if she’d worked out what was going on.

“I knew some of that stuff but I’ve never gotten to do that with actual condoms before.”

“Me too. I love your dress by the way.”

It was a simple apricot-colored, knee-length dress with a black band just under her breasts and pleats coming out from under the band to form a fairly full skirt. Above the band it had a square neckline and then it puffed out to conceal the shape of her chest.

“I have one that’s almost the same style.”

I dumped what I’d been going to wear onto my bed and pulled out a similar dress except that mine was a lilac and white patterned dress with a deep violet band across the bottom of my chest. Apart from it being patterned instead of plain and the width of the pleats being different they were the same style. I liked it especially because it puffed out and completely hid the total lack of shape in my chest.

“Awesome, you have to wear it. Then we can be twins. I already found out some of that sex stuff from Dad and from your mom. I was a bit surprised that your mom didn’t do it all herself,” said Liz.

“Yeah! Me too! Until I figured out why. Then I went along with it.”

“Why?” asked Liz.

“All that wasn’t about us at all. It was all about Tara. What are you going to do with your hair?”

“Tara? That thing about us being less embarrassed with Tara sounded a bit lame – it’s never stopped your mom before. I was going to tie mine back with black ribbon, you should do the same. Only you need a purple one to match your dress. Have you got something? Tara seemed to know her stuff, though,” said Liz.

“Yeah and why was that? What about this one?”

“That one is perfect. Because your mom went through it all with her yesterday afternoon. She said that,” said Liz.

“Yeah, yesterday afternoon. The day after she got into trouble at the party and nearly got forced into having sex. Mum could have sat her down and made her listen to exactly the same talk Tara gave us, the same one she first heard when she was thirteen. Hang on! Your bow is a bit wonky. But Tara can be a bit proud, sometimes. She might have sat there and not listened properly because she’d heard it all before.”

“So instead your mom made her say it all to us. That meant Tara had to make sure she knew it all before she started. Your mom’s pretty sneaky sometimes. Now let me tie your bow,” said Liz.

“My mum is pretty sneaky all the time. But it’s clever sneaky and usually it’s for a good reason. Especially this time. What shoes are you going to wear?”

“I wish I had your hair, it’s so long and straight. You can tie it like this and it falls so nicely. My black pumps that we got at that sale last August. You should wear yours too. Then we’ll be totally twins. Do you think Tara knew what was going on?” asked Liz.

“It’s too thin – your hair is so much better. Tara’s pretty smart. She probably figured it out. But I guess she went along with it anyway because then she could tell herself it wasn’t a punishment or anything.”

“I hate my hair, it goes all...”

We were both giggling hysterically as I walked out of my room. Liz was giggling too hard to follow me through the door. I forget what started us off. I think it was one of those things where you start and then every little thing makes it worse – and then you say something that most people probably wouldn’t think is funny but because you were giggling when you were talking it comes out weird so you giggle even more – and so on.

I was giggling so much that I wasn’t looking where I was going and I walked straight into someone. It was someone big and he put his arms around me to stop me hurting myself. I kind of said “oopsie” and leant into him and kept giggling for maybe two seconds. Then I realized it was Dan that I was leaning against. I gasped in shock.

All my giggles grew legs and ran away, leaving nothing but an empty space where the giggles had been.

I stepped back from him and stood there. I could feel my insides all shaking. I was devastated. I’d ruined everything. I’d been so good for two days and now I’d touched him. I’d leaned against him. I’d let him hold me. What had I done? I wanted to scream and run away but my legs didn’t want to take me.

I think Dan said something like “You look nice.” I almost burst out laughing. It seemed so silly that he would be worrying about what I looked like when he must have known how badly I had ruined both our lives. I think I managed to mumble a thankyou and then I walked on wobbly legs into my room and pushed the door shut behind me. I think I heard Dan say, “Bec, we need to talk...” before the door closed. But it was too late for talking. Way too late!

I leaned my back against the closed door and stared blindly at Liz who was slowly stopping her giggles as she figured out that something was wrong.

I wondered if Dan would be allowed to stay for the rest of my party before They sent him away.

I looked at Liz as she stood in front of me. Liz seemed to be blurred a bit. In fact there were three different versions of Liz standing in front of me. All of them had puzzled expressions on their faces.

It was like one of those meetings.

“Hello,” my voice was just a whisper, “my name is Rebecca and I’m a...” But then my voice stopped. What was the point? I’d failed. I’d touched Dan. They would throw me out of the meeting.

I was being hugged by Lizzes, or maybe only one Liz. Over her shoulder was my blurry room. There was no other Liz in sight so the spare ones must have disappeared.

Liz was hugging me tight. That was nice. But it wasn’t the same. I needed to be surrounded by a Dan style hug that would swallow me up – wrap completely around me – engulf me totally and leave no part exposed. Well that wasn’t going to happen. Dad could have possibly done that but the best I could hope for was him holding my hand. I leaned against Liz and felt so alone.

>>pause

My memory starts to skip and jump at this point. Remembering what happened next is like watching one of those badly-made animations when things jerk from one pose to the next. My brain was still working, I was doing stuff. I remember doing stuff. I don’t remember the bits in between.

>> skip

I leaned against the door and Liz stood in front of me, clinging onto my hands. She looked really worried. I don’t think she understood what was going on. I made my face stop looking sad and that chased her frown away – at least a bit.

I had to plan.

Obviously They already knew what I’d done. They always knew everything. But it was kind of an accident – what had happened. Maybe if I tried really hard and stayed right away from Dan then They would see that. Maybe They would believe that it was an accident. Then later on I could beg and plead and apologize and grovel and maybe They wouldn’t send him away ... yet.

I straightened up and made my face smile. I had a plan. I made my lips kiss Liz’s cheek. She seemed a bit happier when I did that.

>> skip

Liz and I squeezed together in front of the bathroom mirror putting on lipstick and a smidge of eye shadow. Not too much, of course, or The Mother wouldn’t like it. Liz was making jokes and laughing. I made my face smile.