Chapter 74: Sophia's Dilemma

"I don't know how much longer I can do this."

Sophia had requested a meeting with Mary. It was almost three weeks after Warren had come home, about a month after the attack, and he wasn't getting any better.

"He's not getting better?" Mary asked.

"He's completely withdrawn. He goes to class, and he studies, and that's it--and keeping up with his schoolwork is almost on autopilot for him. Outside of that, he just sits in the bed. He won't touch me, he won't let me touch him. His roommate moved out so that I could be with him and we sleep in separate beds. He won't skate. He shows no emotion about anything. I take messages for him, support from our skating friends, people that want to help--and he ignores them. I tell him I love him and I get nothing."

"OK, first of all, Sophia, I have to ask you. Have you had any of your panic attacks?"

She laughed humorlessly. "Every single fucking day. Sometimes it takes all my strength of will to keep from running out of that room forever. I feel like my life is on hold. I know he's been through hell. That's why I stay. I just don't know how much longer I can stand to look into the eyes of the shell of a man I used to love and still keep coming back for more."

"You've tried to get him to see somebody? Me, anybody?"

"Of course. No dice."

"OK. You want to help him?"

"More than anything."

"OK. First of all, I need to tell you that your strength impresses me. You're doing a fabulous job on yourself, and it is showing, and you need to know that."

"Thanks. It's nice to here. Our friend Alexa said the same thing."

"It's true. However, you have to get stronger. You have to do something that you will find very difficult. To truly help him--you have to stop helping him."

"Huh?"

"You have to step back. Stop taking his messages--make him answer the phone. Stop coddling him. Make him know how difficult this is for you. Make him deal with the world, stop doing it for him. I understand why you have been, but the best thing for you to do now is stop. Force him to deal with things."

"Why?"

"Because he's avoiding anything emotional, and he can't continue to do this. He goes to class and studies, but that's because that's purely intellectual--like you said, he's on autopilot as far as that goes. But he's avoiding skating, because that is an emotional experience. He's avoiding any closeness with you for the same reason. His friends, his skating friends, going out and enjoying a movie--all of it. He's trying to shut down emotionally so he won't feel the pain. I don't think I have to tell you how unhealthy that is."

"No, you don't."

"I'm warning you, Sophia, this will not be easy. You might have to goad him. Get him mad, get him unhappy, get him amorous, but you probably will have to force the issue. And, when it all comes out, it is not going to be pretty. I'm warning you. But if you want even the possibility of getting the old Warren back, it's the only way. He has to deal with the pain--and he has to deal with something he is completely repressing, the anger. He must be very angry, but he's not allowing himself to deal with it. It may come out at you."

Sophia sighed. "I can take that. I can deal with that. Anything to get him out of this."

"And you need to keep on him to see me, or somebody. You're not a professional, Sophie. You can only do so much."

"I know. But I've got to do something. And I have you as an adviser!"

She was in his room that night. The phone rang. And rang. And rang.

"Sophia?" Warren asked.

"It's your phone, you answer it. What am I, your secretary?" Sophia spat out, feeling horrible.

Warren just looked at her in disbelief, then answered the phone. Sophia could only hear one half of the conversation.

"Hello? Hi Christine. No, I'm OK. I'm healing. Yeah, they caught the guys. No, I'm fine. Well, I don't think we're going to make it to Worlds, I'm still pretty beat up. Yeah, we'll see. Yeah, I love you too, skate babe. Talk to you later." He hung up the phone. "That was Christine Arsenault. How did she get my number?"

"I gave it to her," Sophia told him.

"What? Why?"

"Because she wanted to talk to you."

"Well, I didn't want to talk to her. That was difficult."

"She wanted to talk to you. You don't want to talk to her, you tell her. Explain to her why you're hiding from all your friends. Oh, by the way, I also gave your number to Jack, Evan, Shawna, Andrea, and Liz. They all want to talk to you, and I'm not taking your phone calls anymore."

Warren just looked at her in disbelief, then shook his head and went back to his studying.

A couple hours later, Sophia got up and turned on the TV.

"Whatcha doing, Soph?" Warren asked.

"Something I want to watch," she replied simply.

It was one of those newsmagazine shows. The announcer intoned. "A beating in Wisconsin. A popular figure skater badly hurt, and a controversial preacher in the firestorm. Tonight, on NewsWatch."

"Soph, why are we watching this?"

"It should be good. Evan, Jack, and Liz are going to be on."

They watched the beginning, as the announcer, Rick Morris, talked about the basis of the story. He told about the beating, and showed pictures of Warren before and after. Sophia cringed, and looked at Warren--who was cringing, too. They showed the four thugs, and then Adam Watson. They talked about the firestorm around Watson, and about how revelations about the beating and rape of Warren had turned a lot of his former supporters against him.

"We contacted Reverend Watson, but he refused to appear on this program. However, we do have three of the leading lights of the figure skating world here with us to talk about how this attack has affected the skating community, and about Warren Kelleher, whom they all know. Please welcome world champion Elizabeth Cushman, national champion John Garrison, and national medallist ice dancer Evan Pogdar. Welcome." The camera showed the three, sitting side-by-side. "First off, how has this attack affected the skating community?"

"Not well," Jack said. "There's a fear around. Let's face it, Warren got attacked for what he does for a living. It doesn't make me comfortable, I can tell you that."

"Absolutely," Evan added. "For those that don't know, I am gay, and I'm out of the closet about it, and, yeah, I feel like a target. If they could do this to Warren, who isn't gay, just because he's a skater, what would they have done to me? I've never enjoyed hiding in closets, but, yeah, I'm scared."

"You can feel it in the rink," Liz added. "There's a tense atmosphere. We all feel it."

"Are figure skaters friends with each other? How has this affected that?" Rick asked them.

"Some are, some aren't," Evan said. "Strangely, I think it's brought the community closer. I got a call from Steve Coleman, who is half of the national champion ice dance team. In other words, he's a competitor, and Shawna and I and Warren and Sophia are the ones nipping at he and Sharon's heels. But he called me, offering support, asking if I needed anything, and I know he and Sharon drove to Wisconsin to visit with Warren. There's been a lot of that. Even from overseas, the European skaters. I know a lot of them have been in touch with Warren, and with others of us, offering support. That's been the one good thing to come out of this."

"One thing you have to understand," Liz told Rick, "is that the two people with the most friendships in the skating community are Warren and Sophia. Everybody likes them, even their competitors."