Chapter 10

Christmas 1992: Yellow Pines, Virginia

Another Christmas. As I looked around the room at the people who, year after year, always showed up for the festivities, I saw that we were all getting older. Our parents and ourselves. And many of the friends and relatives that were my age were getting married and some had kids.

I flew down that weekend with my boyfriend John - but he wanted everyone to call him Jake. He was the most wonderful man I had ever had a decent relationship with. He was warm, gentle, funny, and successful. I felt very blessed.

I met Jake through work. He was a client of an associate of mine and rumor has it he was smitten with me after just one meeting. He was very persistent and I finally relented and started to date to him. This happened not long after Robert moved to Boston and at first I told myself I was just trying to make my self feel better. But it blossomed into something much more exciting.

I never thought that I could find someone that made me feel happy, but Jake did that. Once he told me that he felt like he rescued me from something. He didn't know what - but he felt like he got there just at the right moment. I laughed when he said that, but he was most certainly correct in his assumption.

Jake couldn't be more unlike Robert. He was very much career oriented - he was the owner of a small (but growing) software company. He was five years older than me. He was tall and large. His hair was dark and very short and his eyes were brown. He had a very commanding way about him.

Yes, he was different and I needed that. I needed to be away from this doomed relationship with my cousin. A relationship based on sex and danger. Jake did 'rescue' me.

So, as we sat around on Christmas Eve sipping cocktails and getting caught up with things, I idly wondered if Robert would be there. Since his father died, we didn't see him or his family as often. His mother became very reclusive.

But as luck would have it, my mother had persuaded her to come and there she was in entryway with Robert by her side. Robert - who looked a little haggard. Robert - who was not accompanied by his family. I saw him look quickly around to see where I was and watched his eyes settle on me. At first he looked relieved when he saw me, then his looked changed to puzzlement when he saw Jake sitting next to me.

Jake was immersed in a conversation about computers with another cousin of mine so I slipped away to greet Robert and his mother.

His expression softened when he saw me, but when I looked at him I could see that something was going on that left him very upset. Robert always had a carefree, boyish look that never failed to attract me, but tonight he looked older than his twenty-eight years.

As he hugged me, he whispered that he needed to talk to me as soon as we could manage it. Alone. I told him we should be able to slip away later with no problem.

After dinner, more people arrived and it got a little crowded so I sought Robert out and whispered for him to meet me in my old room in a few minutes. He nodded and looked grateful. My heart was pounding as I wondered what was so urgent. I climbed the stairs to my room and waited impatiently on the bed.

Robert came into the room minutes later looking anxious. He rushed over to me and hugged me hard. I sat there a little stunned and gave him a stiff hug back.

"Robert, what is it?" I asked, exasperated.

He looked up at me with a scared look.

"It's Pamela. She knows something."

"Oh my god," I gasped. "She knows about us?"

"Well, not quite. She knows that I've been unfaithful, but not with whom."

I felt somewhat relieved, but I tried not to show it. He was still in trouble.

"What is she going to do?"

He looked down at the floor.

"She said she will leave me unless I stop. If she even suspects anything, I know she'll hire a private investigator." He looked disgusted and said: "Fucking lawyers..."

I looked at him and felt full of pity. I clasped his hand in mine.

"Then you need to do what you need to do if you want to save your marriage," I said quietly.

"But I can't give you up!"

"Robert, we're not a couple. We've been having a very illicit affair for ten years! We should have never done that."

He fell silent and I think we both remembered what happened in this room 10 years before.

He sighed.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I'm just so distraught. If she left and took my son..."

"I know, I know." Robert loved his son more than anything. It would kill him to be apart from him.

We sat there silent for a few moments. Both us knew that we needed to end this, but could we really? I did love him very much, but we were moving on with our lives. He had his family and I had Jake.