Chapter 20

Toweling himself off after a brief and disappointingly unrefreshing shower, Luke sighed, staring at the tile as if it might offer him some tiny morsel of insight or comfort. The only sound of which he was aware was a slowing drip from the leaking shower head. He wondered if they were already deep in the throes of passion. If I step out of the changing room, will I be met by cries of ecstasy? And if I do, how will that make me feel?

Ever so slowly, as if wading through a pool of molten lead, he finished his ablutions and donned his street clothes, staring at himself in the mirror and begging for solace, recrimination, or both.

“Do you have any idea what you’re doing?” he asked of his reflection. No answer. Though I don’t know why I’d expect mirror-me to know something that I don’t.

His reluctance to leave the safety and tranquility of the changing room was as palpable as it was frustrating, but he was beset by indecision. Not just over his choice, which was now made and part of their transformed reality, but about what to do next. Should I go watch? Do I want to watch? Do I sit there and ... I dunno, beat off or something? That seems a little pathetic. Unless they’re so hot together that I can’t help myself, and then it would be kinda dumb not to. But that might be even worse, too. Or if I don’t watch, should I at least try to listen? How would that be easier than watching, though? It’s not like I won’t know everything that’s going on; she’s an extremely vocal lover. I’ll hear every single orgasm, and probably be able to guess exactly what he did to achieve it.

He sighed again, rotating his shoulders to try and reduce tension that the shower had completely failed to wash away. Well, I can’t just stand here and talk to myself. I have to do something. Hiding is cowardly. I’m the one who set this in motion, and now I need to man up and see it through. If I don’t, all my self-serving justifications about how this might help me get over my jealousy were no more than meaningless psychobabble. He was finally gathering enough courage to find out what they were doing when Alejandro strode into the room with a stern and slightly troubled look on his face.

“Don’t tell me she changed her mind?” Please, please, please tell me that she did.

“I am not here to tell you that.” Hmmm. Kind of a non-denial denial.

“So she didn’t?” He knew he sounded deflated, realized he was being ridiculous and even a little bit churlish, and forced himself to mentally exhale his internal emotional toxins.

“I did not say that either.”

“So why are you here, rather than back there?” Now I do sound petulant. This isn’t his fault, it’s mine. Nor is he responsible for my endless second-guessing.

“Because I am the one who said no.”

Exhilarating waves of relief washed over Luke, calming his frazzled nerves and relaxing his muscles. Which is why his very next words were so shocking, most of all to him. “But she wants you. You want her too. I saw it as clearly as anyone can see anything. Please don’t try to pretend I didn’t.”

“I shall not, for you are correct on both counts. But there is a conversation you and I must have that will explain my answer.”

Why am I not leaping around the room with joy? Why am I bothering to let him explain himself? Why don’t I just run out there, grab her hand, and flee this absurd situation? “Okay, go ahead.” Good job. That was a well-executed escape plan.

“I apologize for what will be a very challenging question, but I require an answer that makes sense to me: why? Given the change in her circumstances and the context of our afternoon, I understand Kathryn’s interest, and I openly admit that I share it, but to be exceedingly blunt: what do you get out of it? I must warn you that if your answer is that you crave the thrill of watching her with another man, my answer will be an immediate and permanent no. I have allowed myself to participate in that fantasy a few times, and it has almost always ended unpleasantly for all concerned.”

“I get it. You’re ... I mean, dudes want you to be the ... bull? Is that the right word? Or their wives or girlfriends just want to take a spin on a huge ... well, you know. Either way, it happens, then someone decides they can’t handle it after all, and everything goes to hell.”

“Precisely. This is part of the learned caution I explained to you earlier. I did nothing to deserve or earn what nature provided, but I did eventually earn the wisdom to act with respect. For me, there is simply too much risk of disaster to be a novelty in someone else’s sexual drama.”

Luke shook his head, giving voice to a few seconds of wry laughter. “You know, Alejandro, for a dude it’d be really easy to hate ... because you’re handsome, because of your success and talent, because of your ridiculous endowment, because of everything you’ve already done with Kathryn, and because of what I suggested you two should get up to only a few minutes ago ... you’re making it very, very hard to dislike you.”

“Which is exactly why I will never again give anyone this particular reason, though I am pleased to learn that I have not yet fallen in your estimation.”

“You haven’t. It’s me who keeps screwing up. Listen: I can explain, but it’s going to take a few minutes. Do you have somewhere else to be? Where’s Kathryn, anyway?”

“She remains where we both left her, albeit in a condition of elevated agitation, and I will gladly give you all the time you need to explain.” Luke launched into an abbreviated history of his time with Kathryn, paying special attention to their sexual escapades with Wendy (and his with Irina). Alejandro nodded along without interruption. Eventually, Luke arrived at a motivation he hadn’t fully revealed to Kathryn, for it only coalesced into a coherent narrative while he was in the shower.

“In terms of bringing additional partners into our orbit, if I’d ever seriously thought about doing so I should have tried to pair her up with Wendy, though as I just explained it ended up happening the other way around. I know a few other women — occasional and casual partners — who I’m sure would’ve been delighted to join us, and who I also believe Kathryn would have enjoyed. But since we arrived at your studio, I’ve been subconsciously, and for the last half hour or so consciously, facing the fact that I don’t know a man I’d trust enough to include in our sexual adventures. Not that my friends are untrustworthy, just that there isn’t a single one I’d willingly introduce into our relationship. Yet I know, especially from things she said when we were with Wendy, that more than one man is, somewhat surprisingly, an unfulfilled fantasy of hers.”

“And now, suddenly, here you are. You’ve already had sex with her. She trusts you, against all likelihood I trust you as well, and though I’m still embarrassingly intimidated by that monster in your pants, I can’t think of a single logical reason to deny her something I know she wants. There might be other men she wants to have sex with, but I don’t know who they are and thus have no reason to trust them, much less seek them out. You might be my one and only shot at giving her something she wants so very much. Believe me, no one is more surprised to be on this rollercoaster ride than me. But my immediate reaction to you — that caveman-level instinct to cage my woman, even though she’s not my woman — wasn’t only slightly shameful, it masked a deeper and more fundamental issue. There’s another jealousy that’s much more difficult for me to put aside, and I’m hoping that being able to deal with the two of you being together will help me rise above it.”

Alejandro stared at him for a few moments before responding. “That was well-explained. I believe I understand your motivations. But you have now raised and highlighted another of my concerns, and I apologize for what may be an even more challenging question than the last. You are offering me a woman who is married to another man. How am I to feel about this?”

“I know. I thought about this before I said anything to her. But I’m not ‘offering’ her. I don’t possess or own her, nor can I dole out her sexual favors to whoever comes calling. I’m simply giving her permission that she’d never give herself. Sexual exploration is part of who we are, and part of why we are. The only thing I can offer is freedom. And by the way, I’m not offering it to you, I’m offering it to her. You’re just the fortunate recipient.”

Alejandro looked chastened. It was a striking thing to see, for he otherwise carried himself with such self-assurance. “You are correct to call out my misuse of the word. This is, I fear, an artifact of my culture, which can be frustratingly patriarchal, and over which many enlightened women have upbraided me time and time again. I thank you for your answer, though I feel that I must point out an error in your thinking. You claimed she is not ‘your woman.’ In the sense you just described you are right: you do not own her. But she is your woman, whether or not she is also another’s. Surely you see this?”

Luke stared at the floor for a while, then looked back at Alejandro. The photographer seemed unusually interested on his response. “I do, or at least I think I do. She tells me the same thing in so many different ways. But it’s a difficult situation, and I’m still trying to figure out how to navigate it. I’m not sure I always succeed, nor am I always sure I do the right thing. For what it’s worth, though, I think this — what I proposed for the two of you, I mean — is the right thing, right now.”

For better or worse, his answer appeared to mollify Alejandro’s concerns. “Then my third question is much easier, though in a way it is more personally invasive. Were I to change my mind and acquiesce after all, what preparations would I need to make?”

He was confused until he realized that he was being asked about protection. “Oh! Well, since you’ve been friends for so long and since you didn’t use anything when you were ... together ... I presume you already know that she can’t get pregnant. As for the rest: she’s clean, I’m clean, Wendy’s clean, Irina hasn’t had sex with anyone but me for ages, and so on the medical side we’re about as pristine as anyone can be. But I don’t know your situation.”

“In theory, I am the greater danger, because I enjoy an active sex life with a wide variety of partners, but of course that means I must be fanatical about such matters. In fact, I can provide proof that is only two days old, and I promise that nothing has happened in the interim to change that status. Still, I am happy to concede any and all precautions either of you desire.”

“I doubt she’ll want you to use ... well, why am I telling you this? You probably remember what she likes, and if you don’t I’m sure she’ll be eager to remind you. Does this mean you’ve changed your mind, and that your answer is now a yes?” To his surprise, this second potential reversal of fortune didn’t negatively affect his emotions like it so recently had. In fact, he felt strangely excited about the looming possibilities.

“If you will remember, I began this conversation as a way to explain why my answer was no. I will finish that explanation now. I said no because I will not be with Kathryn in any fashion unless you are with us.”

“Well, when you walked in I was trying to figure out if I had enough courage to watch, or if I was just going to hide in here until it was over.”

“Watching is not what I am suggesting. I do not mean in the room with us. I mean the three of us together. Not,” he cautioned as Luke’s eyebrows went up, “you and me. I do not judge, and I have certainly had many opportunities to experiment, but that is not an interest of mine.”

Luke couldn’t help but laugh. “Nor mine. Though even if it was, I don’t think I’d start with ... that.”

“A wise hesitancy.” Was that humor? I just can’t tell with him. It’s so utterly dry. “But Kathryn needs you there. She may not have said so amidst her initial eagerness, but she does. The moment you left the room, in fact, she realized it. Just as importantly, so did I. I must be completely and repeatedly assured that I am not endangering your relationship, and the only way that can happen is for you to be a full and equal participant.” Though he signaled his assent, Luke still wasn’t completely sure he understood, and apparently his confusion was obvious enough that Alejandro was moved to elaborate. “As you said, we have had many chances to revisit our experiences over the years, and while I cannot speak for her, I believe there has always been a tacit understanding that the possibility and the curiosity remain, even if never acted upon. Yet I am absolutely sure that, even today, nothing would have happened without your intervention. You claim you give her freedom, and I believe you do, but you also give her a reason. Moreover, I would never have considered it without a clear and honest explanation of your motivations. That this might happen at all is entirely due to your actions.”

Luke closed his eyes and grimaced. “You know, that doesn’t exactly make me feel good about what I’ve proposed.”

“Then think on this: I am no longer saying no, but neither have I fully committed to yes. I propose that we go to my apartment, where everything is much more comfortable than this cavernous and artificial environment. I am sure you are both as hungry as I am. We will eat, we will drink, and we will speak about any subject that engages our interest. From that point forward, I would ask you to trust my experience with such arrangements and let me create the necessary mood. And then, if we are all still willing, I suggest that Kathryn and I should give each other our undivided attention for a little while, though I think it is crucial that you remain nearby. Once she is completely relaxed into the situation and convinced that you trust her enough to continue — and, just as importantly, that you trust us enough to continue — we will join together in a threesome. You said this is something she has not experienced before?”

“Not this kind. She’s been with more than one woman — I’m not sure how often, but I got the impression it was quite a bit more than once — and I already told you about me and my friend Wendy, but never with multiple men.”

“Then for reasons aligned with yours, I would like to help give her this pleasure. Depending on what we do it can be overwhelming for the uninitiated, but to the extent that I know her mind, I am sure that she will only enjoy it to the fullest if someone she loves and trusts is part of it. Please also understand that my saying yes to any part of this remains entirely contingent on your full, active, and eager participation. Until I am absolutely certain that I am doing neither of you harm, you must be there and involved at every moment. Later ... well, we will see. Even though there are two of us, I remember very well that she is...”

“Inexhaustible?”

“Indeed.”

Luke’s imagination drifted into the recent past. He recalled Kathryn’s incredibly enthusiastic reaction to being doubly penetrated, and wondered just how she’d respond to two real cocks, though he reserved a measure of doubt that she could accommodate both of them at the same time without significant difficulty. He regained control of his memories and said, “Everything you say is wise and considerate, and moreover it reveals a great deal about how much you still care about her wellbeing. I wholeheartedly concur with your plan. I have a few logistical questions, though. What should we do with our car? How are we getting to your place? How should we get back? The parking attendant didn’t seem overly permissive.”

Alejandro smiled. “You are in a designated client space, and unless you wish to waste an enormous amount of money parking several blocks away, you should leave your car where it is. As for how we are getting to my place, the most efficient route would be to take the elevator.”

“You live here?”

“I do. This is a warehouse converted into an artists’ workspace, and most of the floors are occupied and reasonably active. But as I said earlier, I have done well beyond any reasonable measure. I grew tired of commuting back and forth from the heart of the city, and so I had the top two floors converted into an unnecessarily lavish apartment. It is distant from any form of nightlife, but that is as much a benefit as it is a burden. To tell the truth, the apartment is much more spacious than I need or want, but on the other hand that space allows me to ... entertain.” Much remained unspoken behind the last word, leading Luke to wonder exactly what sort of “entertainment” he hosted.

“One more question before I forget: what time do we need to be out of your hair? If this goes ... well, if we end up in bed and if Kathryn’s her usual self, we won’t get much sleep. But one of us needs to be rested enough to drive home, and I’m sure you have things to do tomorrow.”

“I do not have another client until 6 p.m. tomorrow, so there is no rush, though a discussion regarding tomorrow morning is a matter I would like to table until we see how the evening develops.”

“Okay,” he said, wondering why there was suddenly so much mystery in Alejandro’s previously plain and direct communication. “Last one, though probably the most important: how did you leave things with Kathryn?”

“I presented her with a much shorter version of the concerns I just expressed, though I did not mention anything about requiring your presence, for the final barrier to my affirmative answer requires that she reach that conclusion herself. But I think you will find she is as eager to talk to you as you are to her.”

“Well then, let’s go.”

Kathryn was pacing around the room on pins and needles, tapping her fingers against her thighs like she was furiously typing a letter. The moment they reentered the room, she completely ignored Alejandro and raced toward Luke, leaping into his arms and practically sobbing with relief. Grabbing his head, she plowed her tongue into his mouth until he was bereft of breath.

“Oh god, darling, I’ve messed everything up, haven’t I?”

“What?” he asked as she attempted to orally molest him a second time. “No, you haven’t messed any mmmmmph!” He enjoyed her fervor for a few minutes before gently but insistently bringing an end to her lamprey-like clinging.

“You don’t ... I ... Luke, I tried to do what you asked — what I finally admit I wanted — but I got it all wrong. I was crazy to think I could do it alone. The moment you left the room, every single thing about it felt awful. Even just kissing him. I can’t do it.”

“What if I was right there with you?” he said with a patient, understanding smile. Alejandro was right about everything. I still don’t know how I’m going to feel when they actually have sex and I have to watch her take that gigantic schlong, but I can’t deny that he understands the delicate emotional hazards involved in something like this far better than I do.

“You ... you’d really want to be there?”

“Where else would I be?”

“Would you ... god, Luke, I don’t want to sound like a complete slut, even though I’m being exactly that, but will you consider joining in? I mean...”

“I know precisely what you mean, and the answer’s yes.”

“Oh god ... oh fuck ... Luke, you perfect, majestic, generous, loving, incredibly sexy...” The rest of her encomiums were lost in a hail of kisses, and he couldn’t help but laugh as she covered every exposed inch of flesh with her frantic gratitude.

“I agree with every single adjective,” he laughed as he pried her from his body. “Now, let’s go back to where you left off. I believe you two were kissing.”

“But...”

“Ask him again. You still have my encouragement, and I’m even more sure than I was before.”

Searching his face for a trace of doubt but failing to find it, she turned to Alejandro. They didn’t exchange a single word, staring into each others eyes for what seemed an eternity. And then, agreement having somehow been reached despite no apparent changes in expression, she pulled his face to hers and kissed him with pure passion, their tongues dueling as she writhed and whimpered with anticipation.

It was Alejandro who eventually broke the kiss. “I am quite sorry to interrupt something so enjoyable, but I suddenly realized that I am being a presumptive host. You may not be prepared for an extended stay.”

“Actually, she insisted that we pack overnight bags. Though I didn’t know what they were for until...”

“No! No, Luke, this isn’t why,” she said, flushed with arousal and uncertainty over his reaction to what he’d just witnessed. “I never expected this. I thought we’d spend the night at your place. I had a ... oh god, I need to cancel a reservation, and ... oh shit, I also have to...” She was hyperventilating, clearly overwhelmed by the headlong rush of events.

“As a very wise woman once told me: breathe. Let’s take this step by step. I’m very happy for you to spend the rest of the day — in fact, the rest of your life — naked, but you’ve got clothes around here somewhere. Go shower if you need to, put them on, then make whatever calls you need to make while Alejandro and I retrieve the bags. We’ll wait for you in the office.”

For a few moments she just gaped at him, for the “rest of your life” comment hadn’t gone unnoticed. Even Alejandro looked impressed that he’d been so bold. Impulsively, she kissed both of them — paying extra attention to Luke — and fled the room.

“Well, I guess we’re on camel duty.”

“I am afraid I do not understand. Why a camel?”

He chuckled. “Once again it’s not funny enough to explain.”

“You know, Luke, jokes that are not funny enough to explain may not actually be funny at all.”

Luke sputtered with laughter as they entered the elevator. Now that was funny. Why did I ever suspect he didn’t have a sense of humor?

A bag slung over each of their shoulders, they looked around the small room, patently avoiding the erotic elephant that filled it. Here we are. Just a couple of dudes headed upstairs to have sex with the same woman. A woman I love and for whom he might feel a little of the same, which doesn’t even begin to address how she feels about him. And yet we’re pretending that this is completely normal.

“Alejandro, I’m sorry but I have to ask: do you do this a lot?”

“Could you be more specific?”

“Spur-of-the-moment sex?”

“Perhaps not as often as you think, because schedules in my industry are problematic even in the best of circumstances, and the hours can be exhausting. But by normal standards, yes.”

“Sex with your subjects?”

“More often than I probably should or would like generally known, but far less often than in the past.”

“Group sex?”

“Yes.”

“Nostalgic sexual reunions with long-forgotten lovers?”

“Occasionally, though Kathryn does not qualify as I have never forgotten her.”

“Damn.”

“There is little reason to be impressed, Luke. I work in a hypersexualized industry in which release without commitment is often the best available alternative to disastrous emotional spectacles. I told you that Kathryn and I would never have been compatible. I did not tell you all the reasons, for while I have finally accepted them, I am not necessarily proud of them. I have chosen a life of open, honest, and deliberately low-commitment sexuality that does not even rise to the level of true polygamy. I do not wish to be anyone’s partner. I feel great affection for others, and perhaps even a pale and insufficient version of what you would term love, but with every passing year and encounter I am more convinced that I do not feel the same emotion, with the same intensity, that you and others feel. It is a defect in my character, perhaps, but it would be a terrible cruelty to fail to recognize it and attempt to live as someone I am not. I would only hurt others if I tried.”

“I guess I thought that, in some sense, you might still love Kathryn.” Jesus, that was hard to say out loud.

“I do, to the extent I am able. But not like you do, and not nearly enough for her. By the way, and though I have no right to ask this of you, I would prefer you not repeat this conversation to anyone. I cannot stop you from sharing it with her, but even then...”

“Well,” he interrupted with as much lightness as he could muster, “as long as you don’t try to steal her from me, I won’t.”

“You know I would never...”

“I know,” he again interrupted. “I’m not sure how I know, but I do.”

“I am not sure you do. I would not because I cannot. I do not desire her in that way. Even were she to be fooled into believing that I did, she would soon see the truth and flee my presence, this time leaving trust and friendship behind. I very much wish to bed her again or we would not be here in this extremely uncomfortable situation, making idle conversation out of my psychological disorder. But she desires a foundation. You are her foundation, or at least — if you will accept my apology for mentioning it — you are one of them. I may be an enticing edifice, which I say without undue pride or false humility, but the only foundation I provide to anyone is my work. By happy coincidence, my professional sphere is inhabited by many who also desire only fleeting and itinerant commitment, so I don’t lack for companionship, but Kathryn would soon founder on the rocky shoals of my inadequate and insufficient heart. It is my fault, it is my flaw, but it is also who I am. I believe that I am, at least now, a fundamentally good man, that I give of myself with generosity, and that I feel with great intensity, but despite many attempts to act otherwise, my emotions are fundamentally stunted when it comes to interpersonal relationships.”

“I have desired, even ‘loved,’ Kathryn for a very, very long time. Longer, perhaps, than anyone save my family. Certainly for longer than any actual lover of my acquaintance, though that is ... well, that is another conversation for later, if at all. But those feelings remain intact largely because they were born in a different time, and also because we have never acted on them. If tonight goes as I hope, I fear I will lose the greater part of that anchor. In a very strange way with which I don’t expect you to sympathize, consummating the remainder of our unresolved lust may bring an end to that part of our connection. It sounds absurd of me to say, but I will be sacrificing something that has been important to me if I follow through on my desires, for it is likely to be a final confirmation of who I really am. Is that not strange and ugly? Do you now think less of me? I feel like you should. Please be honest.”

“I think I understand what you’re saying. I hope you’re not just trying to find a creative way to talk me off the ledge if you and Kathryn have sex. No, no,” he added, waving off Alejandro’s incipient objection, “I know you’re not. Whether or not I’m going to be teetering on that ledge is all about me. I suppose it makes you a little weird by my standards, but who am I to judge? I’m in love with a married woman who hasn’t fallen out of love with her husband. From any possible perspective, that makes me the bad guy. You, at least, are honest about who you are. Whereas I’ve always liked and respected myself, yet can’t quite reconcile that self-image with how I’m acting right now.”

“If you will pardon me for saying so, I believe you do yourself a discredit. The problem is not that you cannot reconcile your actions with your self-image. The problem is that you have not attempted to make your actions and your self-image conform.”

“You know, Alejandro, telling me that I should break things off is another not-so-great way to make me feel better about you. Though you’re part of a very noisy and popular chorus.”

“But Luke, that is not what I am saying at all. Nor am I saying the opposite. The love you share with Kathryn ... and please do not object or demur, for I see it as clearly as you saw what exists between us ... is an essential part of you. Of both of you. If this is true — and we both know that it is — either your self-image must be flawed and incomplete, or your actions must be insufficient. You have to bring that which is divided and conflicted into concurrence. I do not know which way that balance will tip, but I do know that it must.”

“I’d like to agree with you, but I’m not sure I understand what you’re trying to say.”

“I should stop speaking on this topic, because I observe that it is distressing to you. I will only say that I do not believe you misunderstand me, yet I am sympathetic to the difficulty involved in rediscovering and reinventing who you are. That is, in fact, what I have spent the last few minutes telling you. Anyway, I am done.”

Luke passed some time quietly scowling at the wall. Why is he so irritatingly right and wise about everything? Can’t he just be a dull-witted Adonis with a big dick who wants to bang my woman; someone I can justifiably resent or envy? Why can’t he have a small dick? Or be wrong? Or unsuccessful? Or ugly? Why does he have to be so maddeningly perfect, right down to the rather significant detail of being foundationally incapable of stealing her from me? Although, given his confession, I guess he’s not all that perfect after all. I’m sure living a life screwing any model or actress that expresses an interest isn’t exactly traumatic for him, but I can hear the regret in his voice. And I also hear what he’s confessing without quite saying it: he’s been holding onto a slender thread of hope that Kathryn would prove he wasn’t the person he fears himself to be. But now that the knife-edge is here, he knows that she won’t, and that fills him with melancholy. If only I could embrace that much honesty and clarity.