Through My Eyes. Again
Copyright© 2019 by Iskander
Chapter 6
Mid-April 1963
In the morning, I went off to school for the last day of the spring term in a dark mood. The bullies must have sensed I was vulnerable and attacked me mercilessly. I struggled through the day, full of appalling thoughts of what my life would be like without Col’s friendship, and without Mutti Frida’s deep well of humanity.
Sitting on the bus, my world was falling apart. Without Col’s friendship, I couldn’t face this life. This time, I would get a knife.
I found peace with the decision and sat there, watching the scenery flow by. Even though it hadn’t snowed for a week, there were still white patches clinging to the shade under trees and hedges. I knew they would be talking about this winter for over fifty years.
From the bus, I walked home. My mother was still at work, but my sister might have been home – but not today, it seemed. I scrabbled for the key behind the step of the shed and let myself in. Selecting a sharp knife from the kitchen drawer, I went out, locking the door and putting the key back in its place.
If I wasn’t home, I knew my mother would assume I was at Col’s house, so I would have plenty of time. I walked down the garden, over the fence and into my secret garden.
Under the cedar, the needles were dry and provided a cushion of sorts. I’d been here before, so I knew the drill. I stripped off my coat and slid up the left sleeve of my school jersey: one arm would suffice.
I pulled the knife out of my school bag and examined my wrist, reminding myself of the location of the artery. When Seneca suicided after the failed plot against Nero, he had sliced along the artery, not across it, to hasten his end.
So be it.
I poised the knife over my wrist, working out how to best do this in a single slice.
“Willi. Willi, stop.”
Col appeared beside me, grabbing my hands.
“No – leave me alone.” For a moment we struggled, but my emotions surged up and I collapsed in tears, huddled over on the bed of needles. I had no idea how long I lay there as the storm of emotion tore through me and receded. A hand stroked my hair and I stirred, sitting up.
Col saw me glancing at the knife and hid it behind him. “What is going on, Willi?”
I closed my eyes, my breath coming in gasps. “I can’t go through this again. I can’t do it alone.”
“Willi, you are not alone.” He grasped my hand. “I care for you, Mutti cares for you – your mother cares for you. You are not alone.” With each statement, he squeezed my hand in emphasis.
“But you are leaving me for Lili,” I said, my voice flat. “And if you go, so will Mutti Frida.” Tears started down my cheeks again, loosed by the ineffable sadness suffusing me.
Col stiffened. “You were going to ... to kill yourself, weren’t you?”
I stared at the carpet of needles.
“Because I have another friend?” Anger built in his voice. “A person can have more than one friend. How can you be so stupid, so ... so selfish?” His expression changed. “If that’s who you are, I don’t think I want you as a friend.” He stood up, anger suffusing his face. “Here’s your knife, then. Get on with it.” He tossed the knife on the ground at my feet and stormed off towards his house.
I leaned back against the tree, eyes closed and my old brain started berating me. I was being unbelievably selfish – and now I had destroyed my friendship with Col. I clasped my arms around my calves and bent forward, resting my head on my knees.
I had no idea what to do. I wanted to go after Col but shame immobilised me. All I could think of was going home and hiding in my room. I opened my eyes – and the knife was lying on the ground. I reached for it...
“Willi. No. No.” Col shrieked and threw himself past me to stop me picking up the knife.
Col lay there, motionless on the pine needles.
“Col? ... Col?” He wasn’t moving. I scrambled towards him. “Col?” I screamed.
He levered himself up, rubbing his stomach. “Ouch.”
“Col. Are you okay?”
He pulled the knife from the ground.
“I’m fine, the handle of the knife dug into me.” He stopped, probing my face, an unspoken question hanging between us.
“No Col, I wasn’t going to. I was going to pick it up and go home.”
Col’s gaze held me. “But when I first arrived?”
I dropped my eyes in silence.
Col touched my arm. “I’m sorry I said ... what I said. I was angry. I don’t want you to kill yourself. You’re my best, my closest friend.” Col’s voice was cracking, and it broke my old heart to have caused such hurt. He collapsed forward grabbing me and burst into tears. After a while, he peered up at me with tears running down his face. “Oh Willi, how could you think of doing such a thing?”
“I’m sorry, Col.”
He sniffed and sat up. Then he grabbed my wrists, inspecting them intently.
“Have you tried to do it before?” he asked, searching my face.
I closed my eyes and nodded.
“Oh, Willi. When?” Anguish strained his voice.
“The day I first met you, but something stopped me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Something ... happened and I found I couldn’t do it.”
Col knelt there, holding my hands and staring off into the distance. He squeezed my hands to get my attention and locked eyes with me. “You have to promise me something.”
“Yes?”
“Willi, you have to promise me you won’t do this again.”
The desert of my remembered life stretched ahead of me. “Col, I don’t know I can promise that.”
“You have to. You have to.” His face screwed up in fear. “I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t do...” The knife drew his eyes down, holding them for a second before they flicked back up to peer into mine. “ ... this again. You must promise me.”
I swallowed, tears coming to my eyes. I knew I had contemplated this in the future and on occasion gone beyond contemplation to preparation. Yet, somehow, I had survived.
“What if I promise to talk to you ... if I ever feel like this again?”
Col scanned my face with his caring eyes. I could almost feel them tracking through my tears.
“You’ll talk to me if you ever feel like doing this again?”
“Yes, I promise.”
Col pulled me into a crushing hug. Then he turned leaning back against the trunk beside me. We sat in shared silence for quite some time as the day faded before he stirred.
“Come on Willi, we need to get to my house. Mutti will wonder what’s going on if I’m not there when she gets home.” He stood up – and noticed the knife, still in his hand. He paused; lips pursed. “Here. You’d better put this in your bag so you can put it back when you get home.”
Wordlessly, I took the knife and stored it at the bottom of my bag. “You’ve got pine needles all over you.” I smiled and started brushing Col down.
“So have you,” he said, with a grin.
Once we had removed the debris, we set off to Col’s house.
As we walked in, Col rubbed the dirt on my cheek. “You need to go and wash your face and hands.” Tear-moistened dirt was smeared across my hands and on Col’s face.
“You, too,” I said, smiling.
Shortly we were sitting on the sofa, a blanket tucked around us, about to start reading.
Col stopped, our current book in his hand. “What did you mean, I can’t go through this again?”
“Pardon?”
When I first arrived, and you were going to ... you said ‘I can’t go through this again’. What did you mean – again?”
I turned to Col, shrugging. “I don’t know.” I paused for a moment. “I wasn’t exactly thinking straight.”
Col sensed my tension. “Okay, I wondered.” He eyed me speculatively, trying to make sense of what he had seen and heard.
“Are we going to tell anyone about this?” His voice was soft but laced with concern.
I swivelled to look into his eyes. “No.” It was almost a shout of fear. I took a breath to calm myself. “Please, please don’t tell anyone. I don’t know what would happen to me if anyone else found out.”
“I’m scared, Willi. What if you try again?”
“I’ve promised to talk to you.” I was pleading.
Col’s eyes rose to mine. “But what if the problem is between us and we aren’t talking, like today? What happens then?” Fear made Col’s voice waver.
“If there’s a problem between us, we need to talk about it.” Col was struggling and I took his hands in mine. “We must never let it get that far.” Our friendship was sliding away and I didn’t know what to say to stop it. “I’m so sorry. I know it’s scary. Please tell me if this is too much for you ... if it is, I’ll go.”
Col sat, eyes closed. The world shut down around me. Intent on not showing emotion, I started untangling myself from the blankets. A hand on my shoulder restrained me.
“Willi, you are one of the most intelligent – no, you are the most intelligent person I know, but you are also the most stupid.” The hand shook me, hard. “You’re my best friend and I don’t want you to go.” His eyes searched my face. “But you’ve scared me – and having this still in you scares me more. But you’ve promised to talk.” He paused, seeking ... something. “For us though, perhaps we need a special word we can say if a fight starts going too far, something to make us both stop and think.”
I sank back into the sofa, flooded with relief. “What do you mean?”
“A word that won’t happen in normal conversation. If either of us feels things are getting out of control, they can say it and we have to stop and find out what’s wrong.”
“Oh.” I thought for a moment. “What word?”
“Umm ... How about ... Gundagai?”
How did Col know this Australian town?
“Gundagai?”
“It’s a place in Australia – there’s a song about it our geography teacher played us.”
I shrugged, to mask my surprise. “Okay, Gundagai it is.”
Col took my hand. “Tomorrow Liliana is coming for lunch with Mutti and me. Please, will you come and meet her?” Her look held questions...
I clamped down on my young brain’s jealousy. “Thank you, Col. I would like to meet your new friend.”
Col gave my hand a squeeze and picked up our current book – Müller’s poetry – but paused when I tensed, recalling its blighted love and dark, suicidal vision. This matched my mood but might scare Col.
“Are you OK, Willi?”
I gave him a smile. “I’m fine.”
I arrived at Col’s house before ten o’clock, hoping to be there before Liliana arrived.
Mutti Frida answered the door. “Hello, Willi. They are in the lounge room.”
Liliana was already here. As I took off my coat Col burst from lounge room.
“Willi. Come and meet Lili.” Col dragged me into the lounge room, eager to introduce us.
I hadn’t thought about Lili, except as a rival to Col’s affections, so I was surprised when she wasn’t as I had imagined. Instead of a slight, dark-haired girl, Lili was a tall, blue-eyed girl, whose fair hair was pulled back into a single long plait.
“Lili, this is Willi.” Col laughed nervously at the combination of our names.
Lili stood up. “Hello, Willi.” She said in unaccented English but used the German pronunciation.
“Call me Will. Willi sounds strange coming from you.”
Lili gave me a shy smile. “But that will confuse everyone here who calls you Willi.”
“Okay.” I shrugged.
Col picked up a pack of cards from the side table. “I thought we could play Hearts?”
We sat on the floor and explained the rules to Lili.
“I have played something like this game with my parents. They call it Czarny Piotruś.” She slipped easily into Polish.
“Do you speak Polish at home?” I asked.
“Oh yes. We speak English too, but my parents want me to know my heritage.”
She knew what she was saying when she called Col szkop.
“What does szkop mean?” I asked, archly.
Lili sat up, eyes swivelling nervously between Col and me.
“Willi, be nice.” Col glared at me.
I glared back. Lili deserved this for what she had done to Col.
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