Chapter 5

Juan’s word was as good as gold except when it wasn’t. Oh, the chulos did leave me alone, but then, he got bored with me, go figure, and then he sold me to a black guy who made me the same deal as Juan and Sancho had. And yes, there is buying and selling of cellmates in prison. Oh yeah there is, ask anyone who’s ever been inside a max for any length of time. There may not have been any women in prison, but there sure as hell were plenty of unwilling but compliant wimps like me to take their place.

The guy who bought me? Lennox Williams was the guy’s name: black, six foot, and around two-hundred pounds. He wasn’t my cell mate, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t call on me almost any time he had the urge, and the man had the urge a lot; and he did call on me, a lot.

I’d been in for going on nine years: it was 1997. And I got me a little surprise, a visit by her. And it was on our anniversary. And it sure as hell was a surprise; it’d been three years since I’d last seen her or him.

I was becoming seriously bitter, at being abandoned as I saw it, and left to rot. She had money. She could’ve come up more often; I knew she didn’t work. Probably tired from spending so much time in bed with her new man, well, not all that new really. I’d see her, but I was not going to be playing her game, whatever it was. She could talk; I’d just listen and maybe nod a little.

“Hello, Jack,” she said, taking a tentative seat across from me. I did nod. She stared for a long moment.

“Got nothing to say?” she said, kind of testily. Now she’d pissed me off. Like I owed her something! I owed her nothing. She could talk or get on her horse and ride the hell out of here; I said to myself.

I shook my head, but slowly. Then I changed my mind. “Yes, I said. I want to apologize for talking to you the way I did last time I saw you. I guess that’s it,” I said.”

“You apologize. Mister, you have nothing to apologize for, not to me, not ever,” she said.

“But anything else you’d like to ask or say... ?” she said. I shook my head.

She nodded. “Well, I do,” she said. I waited.

“Barbie asks about you from time to time. I know you love her and want to hear about her, right?” she said.

“Yes,” I said.

“She’s in nursing school. Doing well. And, Jack, she does not know the truth the whole truth,” she said.

“You probably know that Herb has asked some of our friends, your friends, to visit, right?” she said. I nodded.

“He’s also got his lawyer on trying to get you back into B-block. We know the new warden has switched you back into that other place. C-block?” she said. I nodded yet again.

“Jack, do don’t you hate me?” she said. I could see that she was concerned, maybe, at least a little. I shook my head. She seemed relieved. I was certain her husband had already told that I didn’t, that I’d said I didn’t. But I supposed she’d had to ask.

“Can I ask, are you okay with us naming our baby boy after you? I, we, did it to honor you. Really,” she said. I shrugged.

“He is a beautiful boy, Jack, beautiful like you, Mister Hero, my hero,” she said. I could feel my face twitching when she said those words, those meaningless words.

“Mister, the day you finally get out of this awful place, we will all be there for you. I promise,” she said. “It didn’t seem to occur to her that her promises weren’t worth a lot. I think I frowned or something.

“Jack?” she said. I remained stoic. She seemed to finally get it. “my promises, right?” I shrugged again.

“I guess they haven’t meant a lot. But, Jack, they do now. I swear it,” she said. Then she said something that meant a lot to me, well, maybe.

“I know about, mister Welborn. Herbert is still taking care of his widow and her children. I mean if you didn’t know,” she said. That was the first inkling that I’d had that the thing that Marcus would not talk about was the truth that Herbert Halstead had done something to get him to be my cellmate to protect me. If I did get another visit from his majesty, he and I would be talking. Oh yeah!

“Jack, I hope that at some point I can prevail upon you to forgive this weak woman. I know you told Herbert that you never wanted to see me again once you were out of here. Please, my hero, please don’t do that. Please let me be there for you. I need to be there for you,” she said.

The words that Mickey had spoken to me came back to me. Words about rethinking my relationship with the Halsteads in general and particularly with the woman. I really didn’t think I could do that, not as regarded the woman, But I had eleven years to go unless I got lucky, a very dicey proposition at best.

She went on and on for some time, and then the horn blew and she had to leave. She reached out to touch me when she stood to leave, but I pulled back and away from her. I still could not deal with her touch, the feel of her flesh that I had once thought the most wonderful thing in the whole world, and truth known, still did.

And then it was Christmas, well Christmas Eve. Lennox was in solitary; it didn’t pay to try and take down a guard; they had weapons. I thought, hoped, I’d be left alone for a while. But the chulos had other plans. I got the shit beat out of me and one of them; I didn’t know him; made it his goal to get me pregnant. I was pretty sure he failed, but it was not for a lack of trying. Their combined efforts did get me a few more days in the infirmary.

“If you wanted to see me again, Jack, you could’ve called,” said Allison, and she did say it tongue in cheek. I nodded. Well, I was hurting. The man had really done me bad. I got out of the infirmary two days after Christmas. I actually regretted that. I liked being around Allison; she made me feel human, well, at least half human. And then it was New year’s ‘98 and guess who came to visit.

I was glad the man came when he did. One: I wanted to ask him about Marcus. And two, I wanted him to see my battered face and limp and the obvious pain I was in.

“Sweet Jesus! Jack, what happened to you!” he said.

“The gangs happened to me. Now, you got anything important to talk about,” I said. I was being snide. But what the fuck. He knew the score. I didn’t need any stupid questions from him or her either.

“Jack, I am so damn sorry. I have Red, my lawyer, working on your situation. He’s hopeful,” he said.

“Great,” I said. And yes, I was being sarcastic, and he knew it. “I have a question.”

“Oh? Okay,” he said.

“When your wife was here a few months ago, she said you were the one who got me Marcus Welborn for a cellmate. Was that true?” I said.

“Well, yes, we, I was trying to see to it that you were protected,” he said.

“Don’t do it again. He was a big guy, and one on one he’d pretty much always come out on top. But here it’s the gangs. It’s almost never one on one, unless you’re a wimpy little shit like me. And then you’re always on the short end of the one on one. Got it Herbert!” I said. “Marcus covering my ass got him killed. The Chulos really love me—literally.”

The man looked away. “I was only trying...” he started.

“Okay, and it is, was, appreciated, but you don’t know this place. It is not some pussy college campus or movie studio. This is the real thing. There are rules. Okay?” I said.

“Okay,” he said. “In case it matters. I will be taking care of his family,” he said.

“Yeah, well it matters to them, so good for them,” I said.

“Jack, Stephanie said that you said hardly a word to her when she visited last August. Reason?” he said.

“No reason, I just didn’t have anything to say to her. She told me some stuff that was kind of important, but me? I didn’t have anything to say she’d have been interested in,” I said.

“Jack, please. She would be interested. She’d be interested in what you had for breakfast for god’s sake. Really!” he said.

“How about how many times I got the shit beat out of me. Or how many times I was butt fucked or was forced to suck some smelly asshole’s dick? I gotta tell yuh, I just don’t think she’d be at all interested in hearing about any of that. And, as for breakfast here, it’s uniformly pretty bad and nothing to be sharing with anybody from the outside. Got it rich boy?” I said.

“Got it,” he said, and that kind of quietly.

“Look Herbert, when I’ve got something worth telling her, I’ll tell her. That is if she ever comes back,” I said. The man nodded.

“She’ll be back. And on your anniversary just like before,” he said.

And she did come, and the man did come and on the usual days: August 14th and January 1st respectively. And the years passed. And about the only thing that changed was the fact that I was getting to be a hard body. I’d decided to work out in the yard with the big boys and I actually made some friends, go figure, and then it was 2005.

“I think that Barbie will be coming soon. She’s a nurse now you know. Just recently got promoted actually,” said Herbert.

“Hmm, that’s nice, and no I didn’t know. And I would like to see her. I know you’re her real daddy now, but I do still have feelings for her too. So, if she does make it up, I’d really be thankful to you,” I said.

“Me! What about you, you’re a real daddy too, Mister.” he said. I laughed.

“Hmm,” I said.

“Yes, Hmm,” he said back, challenging me. I took up the gauntlet.

“Now Herbert, tell me with a straight face that it isn’t you pushing her to visit me,” I said.

“Okay, yes, I suggested to her that I was sure you’d appreciate it if she were to visit you, but it was her decision,” he said.

“Thank you for your honesty. It means a lot,” I said.

“So, you’re actually going to pressure her to go to see him,” said Stephanie.

“Yes, and I hope she will and I hope she’ll treat him good. The man needs her to be on his side,” he said.

“But you haven’t asked her yet; I got that right,” she said.

“Yes, but I lied to him and told him I had,” he said.

“What the hell!” she said.

“It was spur of the moment. And it did seem to make him feel a bit better. He did pin me though. He made the point that he didn’t believe that I wasn’t the one who put her up to it. And, thinking fast, I told him that yes, I suggested it, but that it had been her decision. He bought it, my lie,” he said.

“Oh boy,” said Stephanie. “Herb, you’re her daddy now. He must realize that. You might have to walk this back with him. Tell him she changed her mind.”

“He does realize it. And, I could see he was bitter about it too. But I tried to ease his mind some. I told him that, you know, she had two daddies and that he needed to be in her life and stuff,” he said. She was shaking her head.

“I don’t know,” she said. “What if she says no to your spur of the moment plans. She doesn’t know the whole story, Herb. I can see her not going for this, at all. I really can.”

“Then, I’m screwed and he’s even more bitter and desperate and hopeless than he already is,” he said. “Stef, you need to help me out here, back me up. I mean if I need backing up. Okay?” she nodded, but it wasn’t a real supportive nod.