Chapter 32: Paul’s Holiday Blues

“PAUL!!!!!” Erin screamed at me at the top of her lungs.

I stood there with a look of shock and surprise on my face.

“What?” I finally answered while I was letting out a, very nervous, goofy, laugh.

“This is not funny!” Erin said loudly with a note of terror in her voice.

“I know!” Still laughing.

“Did you tell Georgia about the joke?” She asked very seriously looking for another answer.

“No!” Still being goofy.

“Really?” Erin said weakly.

“Really!” I was slowly calming down and catching my breath.

“Oh my God. Four.” Erin laid back, her shoulders slumped, and she closed her eyes, shaking her head. Georgia looked at Erin and then me for a long time and then she spoke.

“I guess that wasn’t as funny a joke as I thought it was going to be.” She looked like she had done something really wrong.

“What?” Erin asked cautiously.

“You guys were always joking about the next batch being four, and I thought that I would show you four babies.” Georgia admitted.

“What?” My turn to ask.

“Look! See this? That’s one baby. There! That is two babies. Then I showed you this.”

“That looks like a third baby, Georgia.” Erin whined.

“Butt!” Georgia said firmly.

“Huh?” I said.

“It is one of the babies butts. So was the other thing I showed you. You’re having twins Erin. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to upset you. Really.” Georgia said as sincerely as she could and on the verge of tears.

I dropped into the chair next to the exam table and let out a long breath.

“Paul O’Dell! You really didn’t put her up to this?” Erin demanded.

“No Erin! It’s funny as shit, but I didn’t put it in her head.” I began to laugh.

Erin broke out in tears and then laughed.

“Georgia Brown! When I get dressed I am going to kick your whole, entire ass!”

“No, you aren’t.” I said defending our long time family friend. “Georgia has been with us since the first time. You love her and you know it.”

Erin looked at Georgia, who was now almost in tears, and began to feel really bad for her friend.

“Georgia, I’m sorry if I freaked out on you. I was scared to death that Paul had given me four this time. I was praying for twins.”

“I’m sorry!” Georgia said again.

“Georgia, as soon as Erin loses some of the adrenaline that you just dumped on her, she IS going to laugh her ass off. And Blossom is going to pee all the way home!”

Erin got off the exam table and held her arms out to Georgia and the two hugged and then Erin began to laugh.

“Georgia, that was just a rotten thing to do. I almost shit and passed out!” Erin began to laugh as she held her hand on her belly. “You just earned yourself and your husband an invite to our next BBQ.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna get you drunk and make you do dumb shit and video it!”

Everyone laughed and hugged as Georgia wheeled her cart out and Erin got dressed. We walked out into the waiting room to find two concerned wives and five concerned girls.

“Paul, what was all the screaming about? Is Erin alright?” Lynn asked.

“It was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Erin almost had a heart attack!” I said.

“And that is funny how?” Blossom now had an arm around her wife.

“Georgia did her sonogram and showed me four babies!” Erin said.

“WHAT?” Lynn said.

“That’s what I said! Only it was two babies and then their butts! Georgia kept a straight face the whole time. It was beautiful.” Erin began chuckling.

“She didn’t!” Lynn said with her hand to her mouth.

“Yeah she did! I thought I was gonna pass out. I yelled at Paul. I thought for sure he had set it up, but the look on his face was priceless. He was almost as shocked as I was.” Erin began to laugh.

“I was slipping into shock. I mean after all of the kidding about having four babies for the past few months, I almost lost my mind.” I said.

Just then, Dr. Grand came out into the reception area, laughing his ass off.

“Quadruplets!? Oh God that’s funny!”

“Jim! It was not funny!” Erin almost stomped her foot when she spoke.

“Yes, it was. Georgia thought that I was going to fire her. When she told me what she had done, I almost fell out of my chair. Erin did you get a Tootsie-Pop for being a good sport?” Jim asked.

“No!” Erin said, pouting.

“Penelope Erin, please get your mother a Tootsie-Pop.” Blossom made the request.

“What flavor is your favorite, Mother?” Penelope nicely asked.

“Chocolate, please.”

Penelope went to the receptionist and got a chocolate Tootsie-Pop and gave it to her mother.

“Thank you darling. At least someone is nice to me.” Erin said, hugging her daughter.

“Hey, everyone is nice to you.” I said.

“Except you, Georgia and Dr. Grand!”

Margaret, Penelope, and Paula surrounded their mother and looked around.

“Who is being mean to our mother?” Margaret defiantly asked.

“Oh, my babies. No one was really being mean. Nurse Georgia played a joke on me and it was a bit of a shock.”

“What did she do, Mother?”

“Oh, Margaret, she told me that I was going to have four babies this time.”

“WHAT?” Margaret screamed.

We all lost it at that point. The O’Dells were the only ones left in the reception room and we were all laughing out loud. When we finally calmed down, Lynn went to the receptionist and pulled out her iPad and pulled up the calendar. She made appointments for all three moms for the next month before we then dressed and said our good-byes and walked out to the elevators.

When we joined up down on the first floor, we walked out across the snow covered parking lot to the van and once inside, Erin spoke.

“Well that was an adventure! All that excitement made me hungry.”

“Well, we can go home and have Christmas leftovers.” Lynn said.

“Nope, I want to eat!” Erin said.

“Oh oh! The last time she said it that way was when you were in Houston, Lover. We shut down a buffet!” Lynn said.

“A buffet? Ok, who wants to go and do all-you-can-eat?” I asked.

“ME! I win!” Erin shouted before anyone else could say a word.

“Erin, Chinese or American?” Lynn asked.

“Chuck-O-Rama!” Our blonde wife answered.

“Lynn, please call them and see if we can get a side room for the Herd.”

“I’m already on it, Lover.” Lynn smiled as she held her phone to her ear with one hand and patted me on the back with the other, as I drove.

I turned onto the freeway and headed for the shopping area where the buffet was located. As we approached, it occurred to me that we had never taken the girls to the IMAX that was across the parking lot from the Chuck-O-Rama. I made a mental note to see what we could do about that. Heck, now that I thought about it, we had never taken the Herd to any movie theater.

We pulled into the parking lot and I parked as close to the door as I could, and we disembarked. As we formed ranks, I looked at my girls.

“My little loves, you have never been to this kind of restaurant before.”

“Don’t worry Daddy! We’ll be good.” Margaret said.

“I know you will.” I kissed her little blonde head. “You always make the moms and me proud of you. But this is a different kind of place. In this restaurant, you have to get your own food and you can eat as much as you want.”

“Really?” Paula’s eyes got really big.

“Yes, so I am going to make some rules. You can have anything you want, but you must eat everything that you take before you go back for more. Every plate is a clean plate. OK? There will be a server that will bring you drinks, but everything else is up to you. Once we get inside, the moms and I will show you what to do. Ok.”

“Yes Daddy.” All five girls said at the same time with a note of wonder and awe.

We walked in and Lynn told the greeter that we had called ahead, and the young lady smiled and took us to a separate area. It took almost all of the restaurants highchairs to seat our seven babies in their seats. The girls all got booster seats. Our server came over and took our drink orders.

“Ok, girls, come with me.” I stood and the girls followed. I led them to the salad bar.

“This whole area is all salads and veggies. The dressings can get a little messy so either be very careful or ask me or the moms for help.”

All the girls had huge eyes as we walked to the next buffet table.

“This area is a mix of hot veggies and stuff. There are baked beans and peas and sweet corn. There are also tortillas and refried beans and taco meat.”

Now the girls were thinking. As soon as I said beans Margaret got a big smile. I could see that there was going to be a fart-o-rama on the way home and tonight when we played games. I took the girls to the next table which was the beef and ham and chicken table. They all took in everything and then I made a huge mistake.

“Girls, over there is the dessert table with cake and pie and cookies, and the ice cream machine. You can take vanilla or chocolate or mix the two in a cone or a sundae dish.”

All five girls immediately grabbed dishes and asked me to show them how it worked. I did and knew that there were going to be some sore tummies tonight as well. When we got back to the table, the moms were not too happy that the girls had all loaded up on ice cream right away.

“They need to learn the concept of moderation and making choices. Food is better than drugs or beer. I just hope that Margaret and Erin don’t get into a farting contest.”

“I’m loading up on beans just out of self-defense.” Blossom declared as she headed for the taco bar.

Lynn and I ate sensibly while Penelope only ate ice cream. She started making a bad face and shaking her head. She looked at Erin like something was really wrong.

“Mother, my head hurts.”

“Penelope Erin, you have only been eating ice cream. You have what we call brain freeze. Eat something warm and it will go away. How much ice cream have you had?”

“I had six dishes.”

“Yup, that’ll do it. Go and eat some warm sweet corn or baked beans.”

Penelope walked off with her first taste of what a hang-over might be.

“Paul? Why didn’t you tell them about eating too much ice cream?”

“Erin, I could tell them until the cows come home but nothing teaches you that you’ve done too much than your own body. In a few years when she starts drinking we can remind her of brain freeze and tell her that the hangover after drinking too much is a thousand times worse. She will have a point of reference.”

“It seems to be a bit mean though.” Erin said.

“I don’t think so. All of the girls has burnt themselves on something hot but not to the point of injuring themselves badly. Now they have a point of reference. This is the same thing. It is our job as parents to teach them. Telling is never as good as doing. When your girlfriends talked about sex, was it ever as good as really doing it? And was doing it with someone you love EVER as good as just fucking?”

“Oh alright, Mr. Smarty-pants. You’re right. I love you.” Erin kissed me.

“Good, I need all of that I can get.” I kissed Erin back and went to the rest of the family.

When we finally got back in the van, all of the girls had big bellies and were moaning. They all waddled like their moms when we went into the house. Lynn took me in her arms and kissed me.

“You’ve seemed a little out of sorts today. Was it Georgia?”

“No. For some reason I can never shake Dec 27 out of my heart.”