Chapter 25: The Dreams of a Girl

Chapter 25: The Dreams of a Girl

Alana’s driving was a balm, a relaxed and smooth ride augmented by the loose shocks on the wheels of her old Buick. I reclined in the passenger seat, swigging from the wine.

“Want some?” I asked, holding up the bottle.

“Come on, I’m driving.”

“I know. I was just being polite,” I murmured.

Alana patted my arm. “Fine. But be safe first, polite second, dude. Someday someone will take you up on that offer and next thing you know you’ll end up making out with some tree bark.”

I shivered at that image. “You’re right ... Sorry.”

“What time do you need to be home?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure I care right now.”

“All right. But pick a time, before you get too wasted to know what numbers even mean.”

I sniffed. “What time is it now?” I asked, not seeing a clock on the dash.

“Probably around midnight.”

“Seriously? Damn ... I don’t want you to be driving my ass around this late. You should take me back.”

“No. I love driving at night. It’s super calming.”

I sighed. “All right. I’ll hang out for, let’s say, an hour, then you can take me home.”

“Okay.”

“Though I kind of don’t even want to go home.”

Alana glanced at me briefly. “Why do you say that?”

“I don’t want to face Lara and the twins.”

She patted my arm. “I told you, dude, they were fine with you coming with me.”

“I know, I know ... It’s not so much me leaving, more the whole battle thing overall. I just feel like shit about it, for them.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself. They were having a good time in there when I found them. They probably feel bad for you, missing out!”

“Yeah, well, that’s a scene I can barely handle when I’m feeling good, so ... Anyway, where are we going?”

“Oh, you’ll find out.”

“You live around here, right?”

“Yeah, just down that way,” she said, indicating a street that sailed by.

She turned onto a smaller road, and the wine was calmly buzzing in my head by the time she pulled into a narrow driveway that wound through the forest. After quite a while, a structure came into view in the beams of the headlights, marking the end of the journey. It was a decent sized cabin. She parked near it and killed the engine. As she turned the lights off, I became blinded. It was exceptionally dark under the canopy of trees.

“What’s this place?” I asked, emerging into the night.

“Family friend’s summer cabin,” Alana explained quietly.

“Nice. But I don’t know about going in someone’s house.”

“Oh, we’re not going in. They’re not here this time of year anyway, but the cabin’s not why we’re here. Get your coat on, dude. It’s cold!”

We bundled up, grabbed a couple of folding chairs from the trunk and the extra bottle of wine that Alana had lifted from Jonah’s. We wound our way through the woods behind the cabin, following a rudimentary trail. Alana led the way, advising me of any potentially dangerous low-hanging branches. After a bit, the trees started thinning.

“Oh my god!” I gasped.

We emerged onto a stunning viewpoint overlooking a picturesque lake. What made it particularly breathtaking was the million stars that reflected from its surface. The moon was just peeking over the tree line on the far shore, minutes away from disappearing for the night.

“Damn,” I whispered, afraid to talk any louder, lest I break some unseen spell. “Am I hallucinating?”

She chuckled softly. “Welcome to my secret spot.”

“Damn,” I repeated. “When you said you knew a spot, you weren’t kidding.”

Alana set up the chairs in a choice location. I wasn’t quite ready to sit, though, breathing in deeply as the vast expanse of natural and astronomical jewels filled my senses. Already the unnatural chaos of Jonah’s party was receding with quickening speed.

“Just don’t fall off the edge, okay?” Alana called.

I laughed. “It’d be one hell of a way to go, wouldn’t it?”

“Sure, until you hit the ground.”

“You’re probably right. I can see why you wanted to come here. This is awesome.”

“It’s my favorite place on earth.”

“I’m already thinking it might be mine, too.”

I took my seat beside Alana and uncorked the half-empty bottle. After taking a slug, I held it out to her.

“Nope,” she dismissed.

“Really? What, have you quit drinking this semester?”

“If I’m driving you home in an hour, then yeah, I did quit.”

“Oh, duh. I guess you’re right. But I feel bad now.”

“Why?”

“You can’t drink or smoke because of me.”

“I’ll survive,” Alana laughed.

“What if you just drive me in the morning?” I asked, wondering if my words were slurring.

“Morning?”

“Yeah. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I could look out at this all night long.”

Alana grinned. “I know the feeling. And I’ve done it, many times.”

I held the bottle out again. “Go for it then.”

“Dude, if I drink now, you can’t change your mind. I won’t drive anywhere until the sun comes up.”

“Go for it,” I repeated. “If it’s between going to Colin’s old couches and this, then I pick this. Well, if it was between anything and this, I’d pick this, pretty much.”

“It’s going to get cold,” she remarked, though I could tell she wasn’t actually worried about that.

“I don’t care,” I replied easily.

Alana held my gaze as she took the bottle from my hand. With her eyebrows raised, she put the opening to her lips and paused.

God, she looks so much like Heather sometimes...

“Drink,” I urged. “And a big swig too, so there’s no take-backs.”

Then she did. The bottle tilted and she took a long swallow, and then a second, before returning it back to me.

“You’re stuck here now, dude,” she announced.

I shrugged. “Good. Now bust out another joint and meet me up here where it’s high, will you?”

Alana tittered. “You’re so funny. Especially when you’re stoned.”

“Damn, I swear I can almost touch the stars. They look like they’re just right there, but also like they’re so far away.”

“Place makes you feel small. No matter what shit was going on in my life, whenever I came here, it always washed all that away. Made me see the bigger picture. I just wish it was closer to school.”

“Nothing like this up in Albany, huh?”

“As if. God, seeing this again makes me want to drop out and just live right here,” she murmured.

I heard the crackle of miniature embers as she brought her joint to life. I turned to watch her take a long pull, the tip glowing softly in a moving ring of orange. She held the smoke in her lungs as she offered me the bone.

It was my turn to wave the offering away. “Next one. You have to catch up a bit.”

We sat in silence for a long time, until I heard the whoosh of air being pulled through pinched fingers. Then I saw a tiny fleck of white sail out over the panorama, illuminated by the prick of a million stars.

“High now?” I asked.

“Fuck yeah, dude...”

I slugged down the last of the wine and set the bottle down in exchange for the unopened one.

“Shit, did you bring a corkscrew?”

Alana gave me a look. “Really? You didn’t learn anything about me last summer?”

“Oh yeah, ‘Be prepared’!”

She produced the implement from her keychain and made short work of the stopper.

“That was a good time, remember?” I mused. “Jumping off of that rock?”

“Yeah, another killer spot. You know, we’re pretty damn lucky. There’s so many places we could’ve grown up, but we got to grow up here.”

“I wouldn’t trade it for anything,” I agreed.

“Wasn’t that weekend your first time smoking pot?” Alana asked, chuckling.

“Yep, you’re the official bad influence on my life.”

“Hah, no, I think that honor probably belongs to Heather.”

I chuckled. “Hmm ... You seem to know her well, for only meeting her once.”

“Once was all it took. Seriously.”

“I guess you’re right on that one!”

“I know I am. I still always wonder what would’ve happened if Lara’s punk-ass boyfriend hadn’t pulled his stunt that night.”

I glanced at her. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I was having a good time dancing.”

“Yeah ... Me too.”

“Did Heather have a good time?” Alana asked.

“Yeah, totally. We were all pretty bummed to have to leave like that.”

“Have you and her ever ... done something like that?”

I glanced at Alana, but she was staring at the wall of stars. “Like what?”

“I had the feeling that Heather had some kind of plan that night. She took over Miss Ellie, you know.”

“Yeah, well, she always has a bunch of crazy plans going on!”

“I believe that. Do you think ... Well, this is maybe getting too out there to talk about.”

“Aw, go for it. Anything to take my mind off the gig, right?”

“All right then. Have you and her ever, like, been with a third person?”

I almost laughed, but checked it.

“I mean, you don’t dance like that,” Alana continued, “unless you’re putting out a bit of a signal, don’t you think?”

“I think you’re probably right.”

“Probably? You mean you don’t know? You never talked about that night with her?”

I took a long sip and sank further into my chair. My head was swirling now, as the wine started accumulating within me. Abruptly I realized that I had a most rare opportunity before me. Wait ... Can I really take off the masks, just for one night?

The idea was absolutely thrilling.

“Promise me something,” I murmured.

“Anything,” she replied instantly.

“Never tell anyone, and I literally mean anyone, what we talk about here tonight.”

“I swear I won’t,” she said.

“Well, except Heather, of course.”

Alana laughed freely, and then imitated me with a husky voice. “‘Like, literally no one ... Oh, except for... ‘“

“Yeah, yeah. My brain is slow, so you going to have to give me some space to fix whatever I say after I say it.”

“Feeling mellow yet?” she teased.

“Definitely.”

“Okay, I promise I won’t tell anyone anything,” she swore. “All our secrets will be our secrets, until the end of time.”

“Good. Got any more joints?” I asked.

“I have as many as you want and then more in the car.”

“Of course you do. Fire one up and then I’ll tell you.”

Alana lit a fresh one to share, so I moved my chair right next to hers. We exchanged a few tokes before I got the courage to speak up.

“Heather is ... a crazy girl. Well, crazy isn’t the right word. That sounds bad. She’s, um...”

“Out there,” Alana supplied.

“Yeah, that’s better. But even that sounds wrong.”

“What’s wrong with being out there?” she asked.

“I don’t know. Sounds loony.”

“Not to me. ‘Out there’ is the best kind of people, I think.”

I sniffed. “Yeah, I know. After all, here I am, about to tell you something no one else on earth knows. And I think you’re out there, in the same good way that Heather is.”

“Well, it is that kind of night.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You’re the only person I’ve ever brought here.”

I frowned at her. “Really?”

“Of my friends, yeah. I’ve been out here with my family and the people who own this place, sure ... But when I come here alone at night, it’s always been just that. Me alone. No one else was ever worthy to join me. And I’m serious about that, dude.”

“Wow ... I’m honored, Alana! Really.”

“Cool. But all right, enough suspense. Go on with your story. And stop hogging the joint!”

I sniffed and passed it to her. “So okay, we’ll go with that: Heather is ‘out there’. And I guess the simplest thing to say is just to answer your question: yeah, we have talked about doing something like that.”

“Right on,” she breathed. “So she wasn’t just dancing that way for a little fun.”

“Probably not.”

“Maybe you couldn’t see it, since you were behind her,” Alana said, “but right at the end there, she was all over me with her hands.”

“I kind of figured. I’m not exactly sure who was touching me and who I was touching, either.”

“Yeah, it was pretty wild!” she agreed. “What do you think would’ve happened if what’s-her-name hadn’t come in?”

“You mean Shannon? Not sure, and I won’t even try to guess. Whenever I’m with Heather and I think I know what’s going to happen next, I’m always wrong.”

She guffawed. “Fair point, dude. But come on, what do you think could’ve happened?”

“Honestly, we knew they were all coming back soon. So maybe nothing. But then again, maybe we would’ve gone to one of the rooms?”

Alana shifted to lean closer to me. “Really? You would’ve done that?”

“If Heather wanted to, yeah.”

“That’s kind of wild.”

“I pretty much will do anything with Heather. I trust her completely.”

“That’s amazing.”

“Either that, or she has me wrapped around her finger!”

“Nah, I don’t see that. But wow, to have such trust! That’s really awesome.”

“It is amazing, but also scary as hell sometimes. And exhausting, it can be.”

“I’ll bet.”

“But the trust, yeah, it’s just something I feel with her. And like I was saying earlier, I’m going to tell you something no one else knows, so I guess that means I trust you more than a little bit too.”

“Oh, you mean the secret wasn’t that the three of us might have hooked up?”

I shivered a bit at the visions that flashed through my head... Heather on the bed ... Is she ... tied up? Alana kneeling next to me, as we—I shoved the fantasy away.

“No, that’s not the secret,” I murmured. “That was just me trying to work up the courage to get to it.”

“Is it about being with someone else?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“Wow, dude, then let’s hear it!”

“Okay, it’s weird, though. Like, really out there, and not the same out there like we were just talking about,” I said quietly.

“Scout’s honor. I’ll never tell anyone what happens here tonight. Like, literally anyone!”

I guffawed at her teasing. “I’m not worried about that. I just hope you don’t see me differently if I tell you this!”

Alana took a swig of the wine. “What, did you like kill someone or something?”

“No!” I rejoined. “Nothing like that.”

“Well, then you’re probably fine. I won’t throw you off the ledge then!”

I laughed. “At this rate I’ll probably end up doing that myself.”

“Just stay in your chair, dude,” she commanded.

“Probably a good idea. All right, fine, I’ll just say it quickly. As it turns out ... Lara really likes Heather too.”

There was some silence as Alana pulled on the joint. A moment later she passed it to me.

“I take it you’re not talking as a friend.”

“Not at all.”

“Okay ... So ... what does that mean exactly?”

“Well, it means ... Heather is kind of with both of us.”

“You and Lara?” Alana clarified.

“Yeah. But I’m not, like, with Lara in that way, you know?”

“All right. Wow, that is wild.”

“Too out there?” I asked.

“I haven’t pushed you off the ledge yet,” she joked.

“That’s something.”

“Hmm ... So is it two separate things?”

“Well, actually, right now it’s nothing, because we don’t even know what it means, how it even could work. As far as anyone knows, I’m with Heather and that’s the end of it. And maybe that’s the way things should really be, you know. But back around New Year’s, when Heather visited us, we tried it.”

Alana widened her eyes at me. “Tried what?”

“The possibility of Heather, like, being in a relationship with each of us.”

“Each of you ... But is it, like, separate?” she asked again, trying to make the puzzle pieces fit.

“Yeah—well, no ... I mean, we’ve just all kissed, so I’m not really sure. Like I kissed Heather, and Lara kissed her too. We were all in the same bed.”

Alana grinned at me. “That is far out. So is it weird?”

“That’s the scary thing, it felt amazing. I’m really close to Lara, you know.”

“I always knew that, even from the camping trip.”

“Yeah. But we’re not like, you know, doing anything with each other.”

“She’s your half-sister, right?”

“Yeah, just half, same dad. But still.”

“I guess. Sounds complicated!”

“Tell me about it! Can you imagine? Oh hey, this is my girlfriend Heather, that I share with my sister?”

Alana laughed. “Well ... why the hell not?”

“Yeah, easy for you to say here, when we’re stoned and drunk, but I don’t think that’s what most normal people will think. At all.”

“Probably not!”

“Anyway, it’s just a crazy idea, I guess. And right now, it’s impossible. Heather lives in Montauk, you know, and even Lara’s not completely sure how or even if it could ever work for her. And we have the twins staying with us, so it’s completely buried. Has to be, even though it kind of feels like we’re missing out on what we really wish we could do.”

“I get that. But come on, dude, you’re in high school! You don’t need to worry about getting serious. So you and Lara fool around with Heather when you get together, that’s cool. You don’t need to make it anything bigger than that. Just have a good time when you can.”

I contemplated this advice for a bit. “Well, we haven’t done anything since Christmas break. So it might never happen again. And yeah, it doesn’t have to be a big deal ... You’re right, I do get too worked up about things, I guess.”

“Smoke more, stress less,” Alana mused.

I laughed. “A good plan ... You know, you saved me tonight.”

She looked at me. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not sure what would’ve happened if I stayed at Jonah’s.”

“You probably would’ve gone home and sulked for a while, and then moved on.”

“Maybe. Or I would’ve gotten royally fucked up, or started a fight with Skinner, or gotten lost in the forest. Who the hell knows ... I felt like I was sinking there, after the gig. Well, most of night, honestly. You showed up just in time. The vote still stings a bit, but I’m feeling so much better.”

“Right on. And I’m glad you came with me. This place is even cooler now that you’ve been here!”

“Hey, can I get your phone number tomorrow?”

“Sure thing, dude.”

“It’s just that this is the third time we’ve hung out, and, well, like you said earlier, you’re someone that I actually do give a fuck about. Carl, and them ... I’ll hang with them, or not. But besides Heather and Lara, there’s only a few other people I feel I can really trust.”

Alana rubbed my forearm. “Aw, that means a lot to me! And same here. I knew that first day we hung out at the river that we’d be good buds someday.”

“Nice ... You know, I’ve always wanted to ask you something about that weekend.”

“What’s that?”

I eyed her. “Were you trying to get with me?”

Alana chuckled. “What do you think?”

“I think so. But like my sister says, I’m Mr. Blind about that stuff.”

“Mr. Blind!” she chortled. “That’s hilarious. Okay, but I thought I made it pretty damn obvious, even for a blind man!”

“All right then, that’s settled.”

“I like to have a good time, more than most, but I don’t stand around in wet skimpy underwear in front of just anyone, dude!”

I sniffed, the infernal visions flooding my mind again. “Good to know,” I managed.

“That first night, when we cooked the fish, I was kind of trying to get you to come back with me to my campsite.”

“When?”

“When I went to get some chairs or something.”

“Did you say something?”

“I think I tried to get your attention,” Alana said. “No luck though. Rejected!”

“Unless you hold up a sign, it’s too subtle for Mr. Blind.”

She laughed hard. “Obviously!”

“What did you plan on doing?”

“Don’t know. Probably just try and kiss you to see what happened. It was before you told me about Heather, obviously, so probably it’s a good thing that you didn’t follow me, or things might’ve gotten fucked up.”

“Jeez, you must’ve been thinking I was a total doofus!”

“Nah, it was actually cute. Just made me try harder later that night, and the next day.”

“Later that night?”

“I don’t know, I think I tried to kiss you when we were leaving. But I was totally ripped by then, so I have no idea. I barely remember making it to our tent.”

“I don’t remember much from that night, either, except that it was really fun.”

“Yeah, it was. But anyway, once you said you had a girlfriend, I realized it wasn’t going to happen. Still, before you told me about Heather, it would’ve just been a bonus.”

“Bonus?” I asked.

“If we hooked up like that. I knew we’d be friends either way, and that was what I was into the most. It’s easy to have a fling, but finding a super cool friend is practically impossible.”

“Hmm ... But why did you think that you’d ever see me again? I didn’t give you my number. You didn’t even know my full name or anything. The chances of meeting ever again were basically zero.”

Alana smiled. “Maybe that’s what the bookies would say. But things have a way of working out. Look: the proof is right here, right now, isn’t it?”

I looked out at the universe and its shimmering reflection. “I guess you’re right. Here we are.”

“Here we are,” she whispered.

“Crazy, I guess. Still, I do want your number! I don’t want to wait for random chance again.”

“Of course you can have my number. But anyway, back then, I figured you knew I lived around here, and that my family owned a boat shop. At the very least I thought you’d walk in there some day, looking for me.”

I laughed. “I actually thought of doing that once or twice. But Jonah saved us the trouble, I guess.”

“True, true,” Alana agreed. “See, he’s not all bad. If it wasn’t for him, I’d still be waiting at my store for you.”

“Fine, a check in his positive column for that ... but I’m still pissed at him!”

“I don’t blame you.”

I sighed and settled back into my chair. “I’m feeling a bit wasted,” I said.

“No shit, dude. Half your words sound like porridge!”

“Porridge! Mmm ... You don’t happen to have any food do you?”

Alana gave me a patient look. Not the look she would’ve given Carl, but I was still an idiot sometimes.

“Let me try that again,” I amended. “Any chance I can get a bite of whatever you brought? Please?”

A small object landed on my lap before I even finished begging. I soon found it to be a tasty granola bar.

“Thanks!”

“Miss Emmie at your service,” she intoned.

We were quiet for a time, enjoying the space and the last of the wine. I floated in and out of thoughts as the stars cut across the black sky and rained onto the horizon.

“You’re fading on me,” Alana whispered.

“Yeah, fading out,” I managed. “Like a song.”

“I’m going to get some blankets from the car.”

“I don’t feel cold.”

“Uh, yeah, exactly why I’m getting the blankets. I’ll be right back. Don’t get up, okay? I’m serious.”

“I have to pee.”

“Fine, I’ll wait then.”

“I know how to pee on my own!” I exclaimed, trying to stand. “I probably knew how to do that when I was like one, or something.”

She giggled.

It was odd, how sloped the sandstone was where we sat. And unsteady, for what should have been solid and immovable. I staggered around, trying to anticipate the tricky shifting of the ground. Somehow, the chairs knew how to manage this stony dishonesty, which was annoying since they didn’t have brains, and yet I did and I couldn’t. Like surfers, they rode the topsy-turvy—

“What’s up?” I asked, as she abruptly had her arms wrapped around me.

“Not you, that’s for sure!” she replied. “At this rate, you’re going to fall off the cliff.”